My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

Matos, best thread ever, btw.

A very stupid comment on his part, one he'd regret that soon enough. Putting aside the welfare of the kid, a baby without a supply of diapers is an absolute menace.

He once nailed our woodpile together.

(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)

This one made me choke!

Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.

"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."

(J.Lu, see next entry)

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."

His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"

No no no, a Fox sitcom!

I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.

Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.

korean

I should really get back to work, sorry.

"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"

"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.

"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.

Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."

matos, you deserve all the happiness that life can bring.

(I should be working - shout at me if you see me post again)

It is exceptionally essential.

Revive in honor of Father's Day!

hahaha

much love, Matos.

Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.

My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.

Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.

ty, this was special

all-time

For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y

Just doin' my civic duty.

----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally

best thread

You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:
2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."

If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)

His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.

Oh yes of course.

This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!

all-time

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

still classic

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.

"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.

yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.

my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.

anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)