second greatest Ark Music video/song/artist after Rebecca Black

wow Pato is extra creepy in "Without Your Love"

Britt Rutter really got a raw deal with the Autotune. "tag me aw nuh summavree (summavree), yuh nah will be togetheeeeer." but I guess it's possible that she isn't capable of intelligible speech, and the engineers spent weeks processing her babbling into something semi-coherent.

her song is practically a ballad compared to most of the typical Ark fare. it's melodically subtler and more sophisticated than a lot of the other ones (in the verses, anyways. the chorus is pretty ass). I feel like it's a blatant ripoff of some other song, but I can't put my finger on it. 'Rescue Us' by My Favorite is the most similar one I can think of, but that's not quite it.

c'mon, when you were a teenager, history mayne, was your vocabulary that limited?

Ashley Rose is almost good...? Oh wait I got to the "tell me tell me tell me" bit, never mind

CJ Fam otoh is like a whole other level from everyone else, this girl is straight up hilarious

kept hoping CJ would bust into "the sun'll come out tomorrow"

Areiana Dvornik sounds like a budget Christina Milian

Can't wait until whoever the Irwin Chusid of 2035 is compiles all of these songs on some hipster-bait anthology

wow Pato is extra creepy in "Without Your Love"

yeah, seriously. I'm imagining that the weird blue vortex is the inside Britt's brain, and Pato has shrunk himself down to the size of neuron so he can learn about her innermost thoughts and eventually return to his normal size and get her to fall in love with him.

Potentially fraught question: Is Pato a "Magic Negro"?

omg why did the give Danika this terrible terrible song

oh wait, all the songs are terrible

Danika is the first one who sounds like a legitimate singer to me, tho (well, aside from the ultra-hilarious CJ); she's a little boring but is pretty clearly fitting the niche Keri Hilson and Ciara are working

omg Pato again, saying some stupid shit

okay the autotune on Jolie Adamson is killing me, lolololol

and again this song is horrible, TRY WRITING A RHYME YOU DOUCHEBAGS

stellar commentary, Dan. are you watching these all for the first time?

I'm listening to them; can't really "watch" at work due to lack of privacy

okay Lena is winning by default here because she's not singing one of their songs

CJ Fam otoh is like a whole other level from everyone else, this girl is straight up hilarious

― ancient, but very sexy (DJP), Friday, March 18, 2011 1:48 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark

^^ haven't watched a lot of these and probably won't before the close of the poll but that one's pretty amazing. how old is she, anyway? Ark's age ranch is supposedly 13-17 but she looks like 8

okay "Girl Swag On" is really giving "Friday" a run for its money, holy shit

"Crush On You" is kind of like a dry run for "Friday" with the AutoTune and references to saturday and partyin' and friends

This rap break in the Danika song is so Real McCoy.

Areiana Dvornik sounds like a budget Christina Milian

She'll never be a star, looks like her name fell out of a bag of Scrabble tiles.

wtf is "Girl Swag On" even about, besides making the listener laugh as hard as humanly possible

i keep looking for Rebecca Black's friends to turn up as "stars" or characters in these other videos.

btw if my name was "Tyler Shamy" I would be changing that shit immediately to, like, anything else

also he's terrible

the world really didn't need another Mika

ooh make way for Kaya

actually she's pretty good, too

but of course her song sucks ass

the "girl swag" girl actually defends herself against the haters by pointing to the urbandictionary definition of swag. it's about BEING BULLIED AND STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF.

she's a pretty confident, charismatic performer even though her pants creep me out.

Kenyauda LaNai - Swear We CAN'T HEAR YOU

Man, "Girl Swag On," I just . . . the spastic dance movements, the backup dancers in what appear to be white, hooded union suits, the long-haired dude with the Gibson SG thinking "man, I'd better be getting more than scale for this bullshit," the droopy vinyl leggings . . . the whole thing is like Exhibit A for "Dear Al Qaeda, Please Destroy America Faster."

Oh man, the "boyfriend" in the Sarah Maugaotega video is my hero:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeTtJ0_-2sk&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMS6oq4zTac&feature=related

*mumble mumble* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thanks, Kenyauda's mom

ooh I liked this more when I couldn't hear her

okay you can tell "My Jeans" isn't by Ark because, even though it is really young and cloying, there appears to be some basic songcraft going on

probably because they're all so formulaic and dumb, watching these videos and listening to these songs reminded me of the Mr. Show megaphone crooners sketch, though if these kids were singing about electric sports bras it would be better.

lol

This is basically CJ Fam vs Madison

Pato rips on Ted Hughes:

up above the sky
like an eagle up on high
can't relate to your pain
the way you feel deep inside
you're a bird in the sky
like an eagle up on high
baby baby you got my high

baby baby you got me high, rather.

too bad none of these rip on Sylvia Plath </shakey mo>

CJ Fam singing "So What"

this girl is hilarious

I listened to most of these already but CJ Fam is still new to me and WAU

kind of awestruck by this swagger:

I am the best
girl all around
in the papers
and in town

It is kind of amazing though how Rebecca is in this entire other level of weird given everything on display here.

I'm pretty sure a few of these girls are nothing more than holograms + voice synthesizers, like the ones that are popular in Japan. Danika is definitely has no existence outside of the music video, and I'm still on the fence about Ashley Rose.

Alana Lee is the only one who comes across as sweet and sincere, and I could see "Butterflies" being recorded by some Disney second-stringer (Hannah Montana's little blonde friend?). I'd like it more if her vocals didn't sound so processed, but she still gets my vote.

if CJ Fam was sweet and sincere, she wouldn't work

CJ Fam looks like she's about ready to punch a window or knock someone's teeth out. zero tenderness in that girl.

gotta be CJ.

pop stuuhhr

CJ is bossy

Methinks the 24 karat charisma of Lil Nay Nay would be giving CJ a run for her money if she had a video.

someone needs to edit together the audio of every 'rap verse' from these songs into a Best of Pato mixtape, complete with gun sounds and DJ shouts

someone needs to edit together the audio of every 'rap verse' from these songs into a Best of Pato mixtape, complete with gun sounds and DJ shouts

― some dude

OMG YES!!! Lift all the intros too and jam them all in the beginning... "Yo.. ARK music... commin atcha..."

haha seriously if anyone has the technical ability to do it, go for it and just give me an exec producer credit along w/ DJ Whoo Kidz Bop or whatever

MegaJudy7 20 hours ago

These girls are gunna end up on Maury

guilty lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWLhrHVySgA

Pppppht.

CJ Fam auditioned for X Factor and apparently made it through to bootcamp, but there's no footage of her audition, only this video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuA2U-tHxU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2cQSPRTdhg

lol chill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVpu6MnXBhQ