JJJUSTEN MAKES ONE SENTENCIRIFIC REVIEWS OF ALL THE CRAP THAT HE WATCHES LATE AT NIGHT ON NETFLIX STREAMING XBOX SOMETHING WHY BECAUSE HE BORED ALSO BECAUSE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk41zSoFlDc

(skip ahead to 1:20)

oh no there is an entire arch hall jr album available for me to buy

have you seen MST3k do "Mitchell"? because uh you should really see "Mitchell"

I saw it yeeears ago, it's on my list to rescreen

Pretty sure I need to screen or re-screen every MST3K ever, just to be sure they are all still okay. ;)

My kids are really excited to have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year, btw.

I just watched EEGAH yesterday

Cropsey: one part documentary, one part creepy urban legend, 3 parts meandering amateur filmmaker wasting my goddamn time. D

as a quick aside i have been netflix streaming three different episodic tv things and all of them are awesome.

Archer
Parks and Recreation
Dog Bites Man - this one in particular kinda went under the radar but oh man its pretty great

okay gonna check out this Dog Bites Man shenanigans because the other two are AWESOME-O

Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue: ok in stark contrast to the grindhouse thing up there, this treads the same stylistic ground (to the point where i am kinda assuming they got rolled out of the same production house) but hits the mark incredibly well, if people ever wanted a totally effective primer to the evolution of american horror filmmaking this is the doc to watch, predominately safe for between the finger peeking level horror peeps (not to name any names) viewing pleasure w/o the onset of nightmares. A

this would be a good time to admit that I had nightmares about the soup-feeding scene in Planet Terror the night after watching it and kept looking at my wife's sleeping back and imagining all of my potential exit routes should she roll over and try to eat my face

Cropsey was disappointing. I thought there was a germ of an interesting movie there but:
a) documentarians sticking themselves in front of the camera for no good reason = ugh
b) blair witch cheap-scare scene with no point = ugh
c) was hoping there would be more about the actual Cropsey urban legend, instead of just using it to class up what is essentially an episode of Dateline Mystery

yeah dog bites man got kinda shafted by comedy central i think - it was before the rise of galifanakis so he didnt really have any star power to drive it, also the caveat 5 episodes in where they add the "only the 4 principle members of the series are aware that this is fake" just shows that audiences where too dense to realize that most of the people in the show have no idea that they are being fucked with (which leads to some totally o_O moments later on btw).

xxpost eeeek

yeah, that wasn't a pleasant evening

yep 2 days of being sick = lots of these on the way.

Hank and Mike: indie comedy about the easter bunny industry that follows 2 easter bunnies that fall on the wrong side of corporate downsizing and are forced to make their way in the real world and honest to god its one of the funniest and best executed comedies ive seen in a long time, nearly every line hits the mark and despite a little bit of heavy handed SOCIAL COMMENTARY that didnt really need to be there the movie as a whole is a total treat and well worth watching. A!

S&Man - documentary about the super gonzo wing of the indie exploito hyper-gore horror business, toetag pictures and their ilk that is actually fairly depressing and sad, i little meandering and unfocused with a weird disconnected subplot about voyerism that makes attempts to hitch up with the matters at hand but never really does, and one particular thread (staying spoilerfree here dudes) that completely and absolutely squanders whatever good will i had for the film. C

Dogs Decoded: Nova - hey yeah guess what i like dogs this is about dogs fairly informative dogs dogs dogs B+

The Human Centipede: First Sequence - well you knew i was going to get to it eventually, the first 1/3 of this is just kinda awful because the 2 women cast should not be allowed to act or attempt to deliver lines (which lol the director does find a solution for i guess but i digress) but the bad guy doctor is fucking amazing, and once we get past the troubled girls lost in teh woods crap the movie pulls no punches, and although i get the feeling that tom six (the director) is a grade a self-promoting dick, you cant fault the way the dude works a camera, and some of the later scenes have a starkness and coldness to them that is really kind of in its own world to the point where w/o the kitsch factor part of me is pretty blown away by how good this movie almost is, but grading deflated because seriously the part where the women have speaking roles made me want to beat my head in with a wrench. B+

wait, so women acting poorly is beyond the pale but removing jaws and sewing them together ass-to-face is A+ excellent movie?

you are the weirdest guy

heh it is almost enough to make me revive that "why do peeps enjoy horror" thread. lots of horror fails thx to shit acting imo, general horror stans tend to turn a blind eye because lol gore, but idk, have some standards.

Beer Wars - fairly eye-opening doc about the beer industry, w/lots of statistical o_O moments regarding the hammerlock the big three (well now 2 i guess) have on the industry, esp the ancient and stone stupid three tier system, unfortunately the information was better than the over cutesy presentation by the film maker so its a bit of a slog at times. B-

The Chair - better than the box art would have you imagine, but unfortunately that doesnt mean that its really any good, low budget detached not all that scary snoozefest, i think maybe ive just seen all the possessed by murderer films i need for this lifetime. D+

Stuck - ok now were talking, despite going into this with low expectations thx to the starring role of forehead lady from american beauty, this is a hell of a film, not horror per se, although yknow its about a dude being stuck in the windshield of a lady who hits him so theres blood and unpleasantness for sure, acting is great throughout, esp steven rea who is just great in everything hes in, dark exploration of the morals of self-preservation and the way we redefine the world to fit our place in it, some clever inversions of stereotypes and only a couple of groany social comments, weirdly funny but in such a black manner that the laughs show up well after the delivery of the lines. A

I Think We're Alone Now - a doc about 2 Tiffany superfans, one of whom is intersex and the other is autistic, but unfortunately it is a great cautionary tale about the fact that just finding interesting people and filming them doesnt make a good documentary, it just makes a phtojournalism project on people who have sad empty lives and their pain, and this movie in particular has no heart whatsoever, you can almost hear the tittering behind the hand while the camera rolls at times which given the suffering of the subjects is close to intolerable, also daer filmmaker you can take yer slacker oh lol lets hold up pieces of paper in front of the shot to make title cards treatment of this whole thing and shove it up your ass, along with your hateful little movie. D-

finally I no longer have to hold onto the dark, dark secret of jjjusten's Tiffany obsession

Well, I knew about that in 1990. Where were you, anyway?

I think he was alone then

He has no one but himself to blame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2bBfuepKk

you should watch this

I will watch that. Not on netflix streaming yet tho.

Oh, NOW you have standards.

attn SR-C

check out LA music artist GLASSER

you will totally luv her

okay, I promise to try to do this later today... I'm PROMISED Alex I'd watch a "Buffy" with him, and I'm knee deep in laundry for some reason. Also I know I have to make Special K bars, scalloped corn, and a chocolate chip cookie pie and let Austin into the kitchen to make sweet potatoes. So yeah, while I destroy my kitchen later, GLASSER it is.

I have totally failed to do this today, which is somehow not the least bit surprising.

The Wild and Wonderful Whites: A remarkably sympathetic doc about a full on hillbilly outlaw family still rolling along in West Virginia getting in fights, shooting each other, and having other sordid psycho "fun" but lest this sounds like a rootin tootin fun ride through bucktoothed backwoods git-r-doners theres some teeth in here and the film maker stays out of the picture for the most part, letting 4 generations of whites lay out their insane worldview for all to see, so for example when moms buddy starts crushing up pills on the maternity room side table for her it hits in all the right emotional spots. A-

watched this tonight on yr rec and it really was amazing - i really got a soft spot for kirk, but really the whole family was so charismatic... i mean, they lead some fucked up lives and do some v v fucked up shit, but i couldn't help but really feel for them.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work - man went into this doc super stoked because the makers were the ones that did that devil came on horseback doc about the massacre in dafur and joan rivers is kinda awesome and old and mean and batshit plus theres been kinda an infinite stream of rewards from aging post celebrity stuff imo (eyes of tammy faye, that rickles doc, etc) but mainly my impression here is that joan rivers is fucking fascinating but the dudes who did this doc have dull brains and lead eyes, because not once did they work to capitalize on what they had in front of them, so the whole thing sorta degenerates into a year in the life of joan rivers exercise without following down any of the paths of interest or cracks in the seams so although i gave it 4 stars on netflix basically in the hopes that joan gets some $$$ out of more people watching it (and seriously, she could have made a better and more honest movie just running around with her own camera crew) this piece of empty fluff gets a C-

My wife got me watching Fashion Police on E! pretty much solely to see which celebrity Joan Rivers is going to call a tacky whore.

Big Nothing: david schwimmer simon pegg jon polito what could go wrong oh yeah everything, as long as you were hoping for a movie that is discernably a comedy instead of a pile up of ooh im so dark moments with minimal laughs, people need to be reminded that making a good dark comedy is actually really fucking hard to do so we dont all have to get buried under endless spew of this sort of mushbrained dreck, deeply reminiscent of that ice harvest movie that cusack/thornton were in except actually somehow even worse and more wrongheaded and shitty, also diabetes doesnt even work like that you dummies. F

Blood Into Wine: a nice little slice of life documentary about a regular joe giving up his day job to make a run at starting up a winery, but the trick is that the guy is Maynard James Keenan and his day job is being in tool and a perfect circle and his winery is in the desert in Arizona, so there is an angle to be had, weird tone, very funny (featuring a notable once in a lifetime segment where Tim and Eric from that awesome show great job thing are actually funny no i know that is impossible but srsly, i dont understand how it was done either) and pretty capably filmed and structured, with some cool insight into the weirdness of the outsider wine industry and a decent attempt to dispell the OMG MAYNARD IS THE CRAZIEST OF THE CRAZY CRAZYPANTS I HEAR HE DRINKS HIS OWN PEE stuff that seems to circle around him in the public fanboy eye. B+

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard - yes, Jeremy Piven is in it and yes as we all know he is a terrible terrible man but nonetheless this is dumbheaded sub-anchorman comedy done right, although none of that comes from piven who mostly walks around stinking up the place but the supporting cast is magical and completely rolls out a no embarrassment allowed throw it at the wall and see if it sticks and most of the time it does, tbh the movie had me at the line "Nobody tells DJ Request what to do!" and held from there, i mean good lord its dumb as hell but it cuddles up to its lowbrow and makes it work. B (loses one letter grade for pivenness)

not even going to try and catch up here

Mystery Team - ok so i guess that in the tradition of those broken lizard mopes who hit it big with super troopers and then shovelled shitpile after shitpile onto humanity, the thing to do these days if yer a comedy troupe with ties to the UCB is to put out a movie and see what happens, which in this case is not all bad, these dudes are apparently called Derrick comedy and despite an urge to try anything funny or not in sort of a grab bag fashion and a very boring standard "every 15 minutes do something disgusting" mantra theres some fairly funny stuff here, lead dude ended up getting his role on community thanks to this movie, or so says imdb/wikipedia and the rest of them all seem to be busy writing, also insane amount of cameos here so i kinda doubt the veracity of that, charming yet dumb but what the hell. B-

High Lane - so the french, who are otherwise obv not the most trustworthy types in the world have been banging out some pretty solid gutpunching horror for the last several years, so when i saw a summary of this and realized that it was kinda a reimagining of the descent, but replace caving claustrophobia with terrifying dizzing mountainclimbing suspension bridge gonna kill you agoraphobia i knew it would be worth a shot and of course i was 1000% completely fucking dead wrong, without even getting into the horrible dub job which is hard to skip because FUCK YOU but i digress, once you get past that you get 20 minutes of promising stomach dropping cant breathe terrifying mountain climbing nightmare vista near accidents, which are beautiful and stunning, then the crazy maniac shows up and its like some dude just walked into the movie swinging a leaking pail of shit and no one escapes without getting coated in stupid, godawful, redeemed only by the fact that you kinda want everyone in the movie to die and YAY most of them do. D

Shadow - ok lets get the bad stuff out of the way here first the ending to this is pretty ??? and there are framing aspects that are reeeal questionable as well, gratuitous excess of mountain biking and so on, also director is in some italian pop band so well, who knows what to think, but once you get past that theres something interesting going on here, not the least of which is that the dude they cast as the baddie is ultra menacing and unpleasant, and there are some turns that really work, and although the motivations at hand are a little surface level there really isnt the usual unbelieveable mess of reasoning you might suspect, and at the end even if you shrug at the directors message it isnt enough to ruin the film, just maybe tarnish it a little. B

did you ever see CHUD 2?