Dear X, blah blah blah. Love, Z

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Dear Dad

Two days is plenty of time to go round fucking Disneyland. I am not infringing your grandchildren's human rights by not staying for a week.

Love

Yr son

OTM OTM OTM

Also see:

Dear Parent,

Please refrain from pouting and writing passive-aggressive e-mails to other family members just because you were not invited to our house for the 22nd day in a row just so you could hold the baby as she tried to sleep while my wife and I sit in the corner waiting for you to stop telling us what we're doing wrong.

Lovingly (serious about that,)

Your oldest son.

― Pleasant Plains, Thursday, 29 March 2007 16:38 (seventeen years ago) link

dear coffee,

please sprout legs, run down the street, and come to me.

xoxo,
me

― jessie monster, Thursday, 29 March 2007 16:45 (seventeen years ago) link

dear mom,

seriously, i am not going to keep e-mailing you because you don't get half of my e-mails (and don't bother to check your hyper-sensitive spam folder when i inform you i've sent you pictures or links to pictures and it was probably spammed out) and when you DO get them, you ignore what i say to ramble incoherently. srsly, the painkillers thing isn't quite working out anymore.

sincerely yrs,
the person who stole some of yr painkillers

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:00 (seventeen years ago) link

dear long, long, long term female buddies of which i only have two,

ok stop it with the ridiculous quiz/horoscope/heartwarming story forwards. i have bad enough luck already, stop wishing me 15 years MORE bad luck because i don't want to embarass myself forwarding around fake horoscopes that say things like "Taurus - The Tramp!!" in them. you are both older than me by many years and really shouldn't be doing this kind of thing like a bunch of myspace 12 year olds.

still love you guys anyway,
a-zay

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:07 (seventeen years ago) link

ps the whole starting to refer to yrself as "j-lol" thing is weird and i dunno how i feel about it.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear neighbor,

It's one thing to steal my paper all week, but to go through on Sunday and cherry-pick just the book review, magazine, and news recap and then leave me to collect and throw away the useless husk of all the sections nobody wants is just plain sociopathic.

Also I know damn well you're the girl on the other side of my wall who had the loud hour-long 4am conversation with Amazon customer service, because before you moved in next door my paper was doing just fine. Please note that the wall is thin and you are loud and obnoxious, so I heard you screaming at that poor tech support guy about your computer, and I hear at least a quarter of your orgasms, and I know you're just masturbating because as soon as you're done you get up and start yelling stuff to your roommate.

Also I've hated you since the day you come over to tell me you were having a party and instead of saying "let us know if it gets too loud" like a normal person you just said "it's going to be loud, like REALLY loud," like I was supposed to be impressed or something when you played "Don't Cha" six times at a row at incredible volume before descending into whatever dozen-strong Persian singalong session you descended into over there. (Incidentally, your friends were cool and pretty and good company in the elevator but you are none of those things.)

Worst,
Your neighbor who knows everything about you because you are SO LOUD and I KNOW you're stealing my paper

― nabisco, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:22 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Nabisco,

You make me laugh which means that you're pretty awesome. Your neighbor, on the other hand, sounds like an ass.

~ E

― ENBB, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:32 (seventeen years ago) link

You always make that weird noise after we go to bed like you're crashing into the wall. Over and over and over. And then I go in there, and you're standing on the bed looking really really guilty.

OTM!

― Jordan, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:34 (seventeen years ago) link

I think the kitty might be chasing car lights on the wall.

― Ms Misery, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:45 (seventeen years ago) link

dear today:

you're jam-packed with stuff. can i have a FEW more hours to get it done?

― get bent, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:48 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Get Bent,

Skip the articles, I think that's how most people manage it.

Best,
Nabisco

― nabisco, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:50 (seventeen years ago) link

haha nabisco i just printed those out

― get bent, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:52 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear kitty,

Why u so crazy all the time? Maybe try watching tv or sleeping?

Love,
Jordan

― Jordan, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Everyone,

Drop it with the paternalistic micromanagement.

This is just how we roll.

~~Love~~ Fond indifference,

Cats

― nabisco, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:57 (seventeen years ago) link

dear depresso self,

how the fuck did you turn so boring and shiftless that you're in a position to do whatever the fuck you want with your days while still getting paid and the best answer you can come up with is uh basically nothing i guess i dunno

GAH AT LEAST GO DRINKING AT ONE IN THE AFTERNOON OR GET YOUR TAXES DONE
DIPSHIT

no blood diamonds for you,

three years ago self

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 29 March 2007 17:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear TOMBOT,

At least on a conversational level, you are like the total opposite of "boring." You have a great sense of humor, and you know how to drink beer. That's enough for me.

Best,

Mr. Que

P.S. Actually,scratch that whole conversational thing. Dude, you are not boring!

― Mr. Que, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:08 (seventeen years ago) link

no blood diamonds for you

Are you planning on getting a grill Tom?

― Ms Misery, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:10 (seventeen years ago) link

what am I doing here in at home in my underwear at 2pm in the afternoon on a beautiful spring day then

GAH LEAVING HOUSE OK BYE

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:10 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear TOMBOT,

I am suck inside at work. Please leave your house and get blitzed

best wishes

FB

― Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear FB,

Please tell me that was intentional.

Love,
Not Dan, But Representing Him At Present

― Ned Raggett, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:18 (seventeen years ago) link

"fond indifference" OTM

― Mr. Que, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:18 (seventeen years ago) link

I really am a terrible employee.

― Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:19 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear my life,

You're dragging me down, dude. Needs to stop. Don't you have better things to do than pulling me out of my happy place?

Also, I need a week/month/decade off soon, can you accommodate somehow?

Love,
Curtis

― Curt1s Stephens, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear small book and snack store down the hall from where i work,

So you've finally had one of those coming/going motion beepers installed over yr always open door. Good for you. What isn't is that it's beep is so loud i can hear it quite clearly down the hall, behind a closed door and with music going. Yeah, it's annoying. and I don't even work in the place. The next time those that do piss me off, I'm gonna station myself in yr doorway with headphones on and do the Ringwald skip in and out of the store till either the beeper blows or somebody breaks it. You the store are really too small and have too many employees to really need such a device anyway.

I'm just sayn'.

Love,
C.G-M.

― C. Grisso/McCain, Thursday, 29 March 2007 18:46 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Weirdos,

WTF with putting a Size 8 shoe and a Size 11 shoe together in a Size 10 package and then selling it to me?

I mean, it's okay, I was lazy when I was in college, too, but how does this even happen?

Curiously,

― nabisco, Thursday, 29 March 2007 20:36 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Williamshasidburg,

I know I come to you all the time for my basic times of drinking with friends, but this weekend you are going to SUCK IT UP because the fun is where I live. Happy Pesach.

― Laurel, Thursday, 29 March 2007 20:38 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear people working in that slice of bureaucracy who are going to read my grant application,

Please understand we can't afford to hire a fucking grantwriter. I realise my application doesn't look that slick, but I'm putting it together between jobs for free because I really really want to have a new radio station here and I would hope that if you're going to give anybody lots of money to buy radio broadcasting equipment that you would give us the money to buy radio broadcasting equipment. Don't be fooled and think that because we live on Martha's Vineyard that gold coins drop out of our butts. Because it's so fucking expensive to live here and most of the people who live here year round work in the service industry, many of the people here are below the state poverty average. It's reallyreally hard to get the year round people to donate the money we need. Please you give it to us so we can get our station going. We promise not to suck.

Thanks,

― Maria :D, Thursday, 29 March 2007 20:51 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Professor who works in the building where I am an administrative assistant,

I have been working here for almost 9 months and probably 40% of my time on the clock is spent doing odd jobs for you; specifically, sending me to the library to do things that are impossible and illegal (like checking 40 books out at once), so that I can get yelled at by the astonishingly rude library staff (who apparently don't understand that I am following orders) and, later, by you (I would never, of course, assume that you might understand that I didn't do the job you asked because you're not allowed to take out 40 books, not because I'm lazy or somehow incompetent).

So, given that, is it that hard for you to remember my name?

Love,
Max (that's Max, M-A-X, not "student")

― max, Thursday, 29 March 2007 21:06 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear boys,

STOP BEING SO CUTE IN THE SPRINGTIME. I ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY CRUSHES.

Fond regards and flirty eyes,
Kate

― Masonic Boom, Friday, 30 March 2007 11:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Jim'll,

Please could you fix it for us to eat popcorn and drink coke on a roller-coaster.

Yours sincerely,

The 2nd Westward Ho! Scout Troop.

― peteR, Friday, 30 March 2007 11:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Hangover,

I hate you.

Yours in emnity,

Sober Kv_nol.

― kv_nol, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear people from other companies who shar this office building with me,
You are wankers. You, the people who started the whole labelling-your-WHOLECOMPANY'S-milk-in-the-fridge thing, you are wankers.
Before we had one or two bottles of milk in the fridge. We didn't run out. I used to buy more than I used. But hey, it's milk, IT'S UNDER 50P A PINT.
Now due to the lamers who started writing the name of their company on the side of the milk bottle, the fridge is crammed with bottle of milk, most partially used with about an inch of cheese in the bottom. Due to the lack of storage space you have been storing milk bottles on their sides meaning the milk leaks and the whole fridge now smells of sour milk.
Guess who cleaned the fridge last time it got unbearable? Me. Guess who has stopped buying milk and is deliberately and meanly drinking the milk with a name on the side.
Just remember you started it and now I hate you,
A.

― Anna, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:06 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Workday,

JUST END ALREADY, END NOW SO I CAN GET TO THE WEEKEND FUN SINGING TIME

xoxoxo,
Dan

― HI DERE, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:13 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear HI DERE.

You are OTM. Have a cookie.

Yours,

Me.

― kv_nol, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:15 (seventeen years ago) link

dear dan and kvnol,
it is friday night here already!
xxestela

― estela, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:19 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear my typing ability,

Where have you gone? Please come back, I miss you.

A.

― Anna, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:26 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear this thread

You have given me more amusing and lovely insights into ilXors than possibly any other thread in history.

Thanks!

Love C4

― CharlieNo4, Friday, 30 March 2007 12:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Black Snake Moan director,

Don't you think you could have put some pants (or shorts!) and a longer tshirt on Christina Ricci in that movie? I mean she still could have been slutty and her tits would have been prominent but a little less flesh and a little less rib would have made your movie that less creepy. And that much better.

Thx,
Kind of disgusted

― Ms Misery, Friday, 30 March 2007 13:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ex-wife of the guy who lives one floor below me,

I'm usually hesitant to give parenting advice since I don't have kids, but I don't think it's a good idea to yell in front of your two young children that your ex-husband "better not come around lookin' for no more pussy no more."

Love,
The guy who can still hear you two arguing from a floor away, even while wearing headphones

― Brent, Friday, 30 March 2007 13:27 (seventeen years ago) link

she's right though. ex-sex can be a real dud.

― Ms Misery, Friday, 30 March 2007 13:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Ned

I like that you said ". Y U BRAKE HART."

love
teh_kit

― g-kit, Friday, 30 March 2007 13:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Mister Monkey,

Please don't get zombie infected and come home and kill me.

Yours,

Monkey.

― accentmonkey, Friday, 30 March 2007 14:14 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear G-Kit

Thank you.

Love
Wonderful Me

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 30 March 2007 14:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear everyone in America,

Please watch 30 Rock so that it does not get cancelled and I can continue watching it. My vote does not count in this.

Cheers,

AM

― accentmonkey, Friday, 30 March 2007 14:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Friday Off Due to State Workers Holiday In Lieu of Easter:

You are a fine fine creation of the law. Don't ever change. I think I will have a relaxed breakfast now.

Love
A Smuggo

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 30 March 2007 14:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Ned,

Why the hell are you up so early on your day off???

Love,
ghost rider

― ghost rider, Friday, 30 March 2007 14:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Points of View,

Why oh why oh why....

Lots of love,

PeteR.

― peteR, Friday, 30 March 2007 14:18 (seventeen years ago) link

dear jergins,

i miss you.

love,
lxy

― lxy, Friday, 30 March 2007 17:55 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear fudge brownies w/the crust on the bottom,

I don't think we're good for each other, and I think we should stop seeing each other. Please make an effort not to flaunt your deliciousness during the workday.

Blood diamonds,
Jordan

― Jordan, Friday, 30 March 2007 18:05 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ghost rider,

Being conditioned to wake up regularly at 5:30 am for my job kinda means that I'm usually up and scrounging for tea or something by 7 am even on my days off. Why I don't try and break this habit = itisamystery.gif, but I thank you for your concern.

Love
Ned

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 30 March 2007 18:12 (seventeen years ago) link

Skipping 775 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

dear bbc2,

*i* will decide whether thursdays are funny

cheers
andy

― koogs, Thursday, 4 October 2007 08:29 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Amazon and other internet retailers,

STOP TEMPTING ME WITH SHINY THINGS WHEN I AM HUNGOVER, FEELING SELF INDULGENT AND FINALLY HAVE CREDIT CARD UNDER CONTROL! YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!

All the best,

― kv_nol, Thursday, 4 October 2007 08:47 (sixteen years ago) link

dear blogging conglomerate who shall remain unnamed,

i would like it a bunch if you hired me as a contributing editor for one of your blogs. please do it so i can scale back my 9-5 to saner hours. plus i would like getting paid for blogging.

luv u guise

hoos

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Thursday, 4 October 2007 23:54 (sixteen years ago) link

dear bbc2,

*i* will decide whether thursdays are funny

cheers
andy

OTM, they build it up so much by branding their schedules. this did not happen ten years ago. why has the BBC become so dumb i blame Jane Root and others.

― blueski, Thursday, 4 October 2007 23:59 (sixteen years ago) link

dear serotonin,

i wish i didn't need you to survive.

luv,

― get bent, Friday, 5 October 2007 00:23 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear wonderful old friend and soon to be housemate,

I think I love you. But thats ok. I think we deserve it for a change.

yrs in anticipation

smitten.

― Trayce, Friday, 5 October 2007 01:43 (sixteen years ago) link

good times FINALLY for trayce!!

WAHOOOOO!!!

― Rubyredd, Friday, 5 October 2007 03:51 (sixteen years ago) link

Indeed! :)

― Trayce, Friday, 5 October 2007 04:04 (sixteen years ago) link

dear brakenbury residents association

please stop pinning your laminated A4 slices of nimbyism to the trees in our road - you make the place look uglier than a new building ever would.

love
andy

― koogs, Saturday, 13 October 2007 09:09 (sixteen years ago) link

dear jboss, firefox and outlook

you can't ALL use port 1099 for whatever it is you want to do. please be more sensible.

andy

― koogs, Saturday, 13 October 2007 10:15 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear God

Fuck you, wanker

Noodle

― Noodle Vague, Saturday, 13 October 2007 10:52 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Girl in Pink Shorts,

When it becomes necessary to pull on your shorts to remove them from within your vajay, it is time to upgrade to more comfortable shorts.

love,

hoos

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 15 October 2007 18:47 (sixteen years ago) link

one month passes...

Dear Girl Who is My Relief at Work,

You were supposed to be here at 7 am. It is now 8:30. What the fuck. I want to go home. I need sleep, I have errands to run, I've gotta move shit out of my apartment. There are things I need to be doing right now (first and foremost SLEEPING) and none of them involve waiting on you to shake off your hangover. In the future please be more mindful of the effect your decisions have on your coworkers. Luv ya!

Hoos

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Sunday, 25 November 2007 14:28 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Left Brain,

We're not going to get anywhere giving each other the silent treatment. Whaddya say we call up Corpus Callosum, pop open a few O'Douls and do some homework?

I miss you. I need you.

Love,

Right Brain

― Z S, Sunday, 25 November 2007 18:47 (sixteen years ago) link

three weeks pass...

daer crazy last minute christmas mom,

yes, i know i had that guitar 6 months ago. now i dont. perhaps calling earlier than today would have been smart if you needed to get it for christmas. yelling at me will not help.

xoxo john

ps you are stupid.

― John Justen, Saturday, 22 December 2007 21:07 (sixteen years ago) link

three months pass...

Dear St. K,

Please cancel classes for today because I don't really want to drive in a dangerous snow storm.

Love,
S

― Sara R-C, Monday, 31 March 2008 16:45 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Silver Fox,

I have a highly inappropriate crush on you. You make coming to work pleasurable and you are the reason why people ask me how I can be so cheerful on a Monday morning.

~~Do me~~ See you in the tea room.

xxx

― Hard like armour, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:06 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear verse melody to "Sour Girl",

Get out of my head, I feel like a madman! I wish I had never voted for you.

Love,

Z (S)

― Z S, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:12 (sixteen years ago) link

dear stupid retard rock,

you make my day that much more bearable. keep on keeping on.

thanks,
ktr

― chicago kevin, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:12 (sixteen years ago) link

dear torta al pastor,

thinking of you. meet me tonight? you know where.

xoxo,

― Jordan, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:14 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear nose,

what is your major malfunction?

thx in advance,
gbnb

― gabbneb, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:16 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Radio One

STFU!!!!!

Love,

Jarl.

― Jarlrmai, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:29 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Silver Fox,

I just heard your dulcet tones in the corridor. You thrill me.

K xxx

― Hard like armour, Monday, 31 March 2008 21:45 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Rain the Cat,

I just let you in 5 minutes ago stfu.

Love,

Guy with food who can open the back door

― nickalicious, Monday, 31 March 2008 22:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Dear Dear X, blah blah blah. Love, Z thread,

I just realized I posted almost the exact same thing on you 11 months ago. Please accept my apologies.

Love,

nickalicious

― nickalicious, Monday, 31 March 2008 22:24 (sixteen years ago) link

dear cat

wtf @ u

w/the 3 am yowling

what is yr deal homes

luv

hoos

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 1 April 2008 02:05 (sixteen years ago) link

six years pass...

dear stomach,

"grrrwwwwwwaaaaaaaawwwwwllllSQQQUAARRRrrgggglllllffffffzzzz-zzz/z///zzz-z-z-fffsssshhhhburgleBURGLEBURGLEBURGLE..................BLORP"

this is a direct quote from you, during every meeting i ever have. i eat a normal breakfast. i don't understand why you do this to me. i understand that i drink a cup of coffee or three in the morning but you should be used to this by now. please change your behavior or i will replace you with a biotech-stomach whenever it is invented and is cheap enough for me to purchase.

love,

mind/body

― Karl Malone, Wednesday, 22 October 2014 22:05 (nine years ago) link

can i just interrupt you for a second

― the ﬁnal twilight of all evaluative standpoints (nakhchivan), Wednesday, 22 October 2014 22:52 (nine years ago) link

Are you selling biotech?

― Karl Malone, Wednesday, 22 October 2014 22:55 (nine years ago) link

no i just remembered the other day that i insulted you in an argument in a boards of canada thread last year and i felt a momentary sense of unease and embarassment that i had got involved in an intemperate argument in a thread about boards of canada, of all things

― the ﬁnal twilight of all evaluative standpoints (nakhchivan), Wednesday, 22 October 2014 23:05 (nine years ago) link

Dear In C by Terry Riley,

I am really tired of your 50th Anniversary. Can't wait for it to be over.

Love, concert attendee

― sarahell, Wednesday, 22 October 2014 23:35 (nine years ago) link

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