"We shall come over!"
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (9 years ago) Permalink
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.
Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.
Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (9 years ago) Permalink
I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (9 years ago) Permalink
― kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (9 years ago) Permalink
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (9 years ago) Permalink
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (9 years ago) Permalink
Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?
A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.
One I made up when I was wee:
Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?
A: A McAckus
I prefer my brother's one really.
― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (9 years ago) Permalink
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (9 years ago) Permalink
I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:
"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"
Get it?
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (9 years ago) Permalink
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?
The man eventually catches his breath, and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again"
― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (9 years ago) Permalink
What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?
Peter Pancakes.
And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.
(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)
― David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (9 years ago) Permalink
Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?
Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.
― James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (5 years ago) Permalink
A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"
The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".
― RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (3 years ago) Permalink
My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.
WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT AREJUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVESDOWN WE GO CLEAR THE WAYINTO THE SEA BELOWBUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHTDOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTHEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDINGINTO THE SEA BELOW
I still sing it at Christmas
― VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (3 years ago) Permalink
Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:
Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?
Julio! (like Coolio, etc)
― musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (3 years ago) Permalink
i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:
Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?
A: because he didn't want to catch ADS
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)
Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (3 years ago) Permalink
My brother, at age three, came up with:
Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?Because it wanted to melt.
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (3 years ago) Permalink
Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:
What did one pig say to the other pig?Oink oink.
And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.
― calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (3 years ago) Permalink
did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (3 years ago) Permalink
It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.
― zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (3 years ago) Permalink
your mom
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (3 years ago) Permalink
did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (3 years ago) Permalink
my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (3 years ago) Permalink
this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....
― Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (3 years ago) Permalink
Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?............Because they dragon.
― RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (3 years ago) Permalink
What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.
^
Professional level joke imo
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (3 years ago) Permalink
My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:
Knock knock?Who's there?Ha.Ha who?Nothin'.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (3 years ago) Permalink
Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (3 years ago) Permalink
U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (3 years ago) Permalink
Ha rhyming with "claw"Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (3 years ago) Permalink
well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (3 years ago) Permalink
i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:02 (3 years ago) Permalink
I think he is just being a silly guy.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:07 (3 years ago) Permalink
guy? how'd you pronounce that?
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:10 (3 years ago) Permalink
Now you are being the silly guy.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 21:04 (3 years ago) Permalink
― serious nonsense (CaptainLorax), Friday, 18 June 2010 21:56 (3 years ago) Permalink
― serious nonsense (CaptainLorax), Friday, 18 June 2010 22:04 (3 years ago) Permalink
― serious nonsense (CaptainLorax), Friday, 18 June 2010 22:05 (3 years ago) Permalink
I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.
― hills like white people (Hurting 2), Monday, 21 June 2010 04:38 (2 years ago) Permalink
Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock
BAD minton!
(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Monday, 21 June 2010 08:44 (2 years ago) Permalink
Should be Mington, shurely?
― Smokey Maicon (Noodle Vague), Monday, 21 June 2010 08:49 (2 years ago) Permalink
Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.
― village idiot (dog latin), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:19 (2 years ago) Permalink
wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:45 (2 years ago) Permalink
yep, looks like it.
― village idiot (dog latin), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:48 (2 years ago) Permalink
no i'm right and NV is all wrong
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:50 (2 years ago) Permalink
http://www.fistoffun.net/book/69.htm
― Smokey Maicon (Noodle Vague), Monday, 21 June 2010 12:38 (2 years ago) Permalink
Did you see the ceramicist comedian last night?
He was kiln em!
― hills like white people (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 23 June 2010 03:23 (2 years ago) Permalink
hahaha
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Wednesday, 23 June 2010 03:48 (2 years ago) Permalink
Which professional tennis player has the fattest wife?
Roger Feederer
― village idiot (dog latin), Thursday, 24 June 2010 10:01 (2 years ago) Permalink
Hey bobby, what's the french for Voo-voo-zela?
― Guru Meditation (Ste), Thursday, 24 June 2010 14:56 (2 years ago) Permalink
Slept with a ballerina last night. She was on point.
― viacom dios, Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:12 (1 month ago) Permalink
Submitted the following to a short-lived falafel spot on St. Mark's in a contest to name a dish: 'I let this chickpea in my mouth and now I falafel.' Did not win.
― viacom dios, Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:15 (1 month ago) Permalink
falafel = feel awful is kind of an old standard but I like your twist
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:16 (1 month ago) Permalink
The causal fridays one upthread is too good.
― viacom dios, Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:23 (1 month ago) Permalink
ty, I liked your on point as well
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:24 (1 month ago) Permalink
Noel arms and nose are prizes is gonna haunt my thoughts for eternity tbh.
― Elvis was a hero to most but he never her (ledge), Sunday, 21 April 2013 20:49 (1 month ago) Permalink
Q: What dancehall artist is #1 on pirate radio stations?
A: B-arrrrr-ington Levy.
― Chuck E was a hero to most (s.clover), Sunday, 28 April 2013 23:29 (1 month ago) Permalink
So I ran into my friend the lingerie model the other day, and she was looking really sad. So I asked her "why the thong lace?"
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 30 April 2013 20:19 (1 month ago) Permalink
Nice.
― o. nate, Tuesday, 30 April 2013 20:31 (1 month ago) Permalink
I asked my friend if he wanted to come w/ me to this German philosophy discussion but he told me he was busy and that he Kant Goethe anything tonight :(
― siouxsan sarandon (Stevie D(eux)), Wednesday, 1 May 2013 21:11 (1 month ago) Permalink
like
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 1 May 2013 21:22 (1 month ago) Permalink
Q: What's six foot three and purple?
A: René Aubergine
― great wallogina (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 6 May 2013 23:46 (1 month ago) Permalink
A: What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?A: A brotozoa.
― del griffith, Saturday, 11 May 2013 01:39 (1 month ago) Permalink
Whoops, sorry, "What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?" was supposed to be the A:
I have a condition you see
― del griffith, Saturday, 11 May 2013 01:45 (1 month ago) Permalink
It was supposed to be the Q:
(...condition)
― del griffith, Saturday, 11 May 2013 01:46 (1 month ago) Permalink
Did you hear that Roger Waters just crashed his inflatable pig into London's tallest building?? I know it's wrong to laugh but eh, Shard and Floyd
― dschinghis kraan (NickB), Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:04 (1 month ago) Permalink
ouch.
― how's life, Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:11 (1 month ago) Permalink
Don't suppose you heard his disastrous cover of Smooth Operator either then?
― dschinghis kraan (NickB), Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:28 (1 month ago) Permalink
wow.
― how's life, Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:35 (1 month ago) Permalink
I hear certain 1970s hairstyles are back in fashion at the moment?Yep, afros are big right now.
― nagl dude dude dude (ledge), Monday, 20 May 2013 13:35 (4 weeks ago) Permalink
¡GOL! I'm actually gonna use that on irl.
― Pasty, British & Shit (wins), Monday, 20 May 2013 14:52 (4 weeks ago) Permalink
Where do crust punks get those fashionable clothes?
American oogle
― how's life, Tuesday, 21 May 2013 23:27 (4 weeks ago) Permalink
Why was the Met visitor so grateful to the one-armed, one-legged man for showing him around?
Because it had been a long time since he'd gotten a half-docent museum tour.
― THIS IS NOT A BENGHAZI T-SHIRT (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 28 May 2013 20:23 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
Q: Who is the greatest Ukrainian indie guitar goddess?A: Mary Timoshenko
― i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Thursday, 30 May 2013 19:23 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
Why did Sean connery take an assertiveness course?
Because he wanted to get more pushy.
― too busy s1ockin' on my 乒乓 (wins), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:09 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
brilliant
― the Quim of Bendigo (Autumn Almanac), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:11 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
That is great.
― o. nate, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 18:38 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
Q: How do you call your German grandma?A: On the Deutsche Gramma-phone
― i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Thursday, 6 June 2013 18:28 (1 week ago) Permalink
Ha!
― ljubljana, Friday, 7 June 2013 00:12 (1 week ago) Permalink
connery one is killing me
― stefon taylor swiftboat (s.clover), Friday, 7 June 2013 01:59 (1 week ago) Permalink