Depression and what it's really like

oh?

yeah this

shit

in september i'm starting an 8-week, cbt-based group therapy program (more goal-oriented than traditional group therapy, so probably not as much aimless whining). my insurance is paying for it, so it couldn't hurt to give it a shot.

but my depression has been okay lately. it's a cliche but the california sun has been good for me.

whatever it takes, good luck with it jody

and if they don't work out doc robert is still on the case jody HE GOT YOU
http://rawstory.com/rs/2010/0819/study-touts-horse-tranquilizer-ketamine-magic-antidepressant/

mine is employment-based, with the revelation that the temp gig i've been in for 3+ weeks might not last 4.

i was laid off for a couple months this year, i dont think i got depressed but i had plenty of panic attacks. i manufacture blind optimism but that was running out gradually. not sure therapy would help for a circumstance-based thing like that but i don't know much about that type of thing tbh.

are you with a temp agency or freelance? prospects?

I'm with several. The irritation is that this is the 2nd gig this summer that abruptly ended.

Life may be pointless but that doesn't mean it's meaningless.

I did join a gym today, so maybe that will help.

Kingfish I feel you man. I'm in the same boat atm and it's awful. I don't even have any temp agency prospects right now. Debating taking my MA off my resume and just applying for some retail jobs because fuck I need to do SOMETHING.

re, employment-based depressions: i am with a temp agency. several, actually. they give me no work. at the same time, i have bills, which accumulate. perhaps you see the way in which these two factors contribute to my ever increasing anxiety, depression, negative ideation, etc. i compensate by means of avoidance, but this has proved surprisingly unsuccessful. which leaves, ummm, the precipice? always the precipice. yikes...

I mean Kingfish, you know how many pictures/anecdotes I post on FB and here of my freakin' dog? Don't get me wrong, he's totally the best, but part of the reason I seem so Benson obsessed is because I spend more time with him than with any humans! If I didn't force myself to like shower and get dressed every day I'd probably just be in bed 24/7. At least the couch isn't technically the bed. UGH.

Oh I heard something fantastic from a temp agency recently. They have so many applicants that they're only dealing with ppl who have direct admin experience during the last 6 mo. I've been unemployed for 4 and my job before that was not an administrative position so . . . they are not considering me at all right now despite the nearly TEN YEARS of admin experience I have under my belt.

but we all love your dog!

My idea was just to expand the pool of recruiters to call, and then hit them up each 1x a week, and check their sites, etc etc etc

They have so many applicants that they're only dealing with ppl who have direct admin experience during the last 6 mo. I've been unemployed for 4 and my job before that was not an administrative position so . . . they are not considering me at all right now despite the nearly TEN YEARS of admin experience I have under my belt.

familiar w this pattern

But don't make a mistake; i still have massive, MASSIVE issues with anger and resentment over this stuff. Also deals with my level of education & experience vs the gigs available.

Since I have no clear target, I turn this shit inward.

If I didn't force myself to like shower and get dressed every day I'd probably just be in bed 24/7

I have a big family get together at weekend that i was supposed to go to. I've told them i don't want to and now they're disappoint.
I don't want to be surrounded by people who are all jolly and asking me "how's it going" and "have i found work yet, it's all i ever seem to get asked and i'm sick of saying "fine" and "oh nothing yet, but something will pop up".

you can derail the conversation though onto topics you'd prefer to talk about. that's fun sometimes.

Last day was today. Feeling kinda okay. Landlady understood when I told her about it and how i'd only be able to pay 1/2 the rent on time. It helped that I fixed her & her husband's wireless printer. They then invited me back down for dinner tonight.

Already have an appt with a recruiter tomorrow morn. Since what you think determines what you feel, I really did do the repeated affirmation/mantra thing for a little while, and it helps.

ENBB, note that if I had a pug, I be fuckin' wandering around town with him peaking out of my backpack like he was guiding my Jedi training or some shit.

But that's just me.

OMG gonna see if he'll go in a backpack right now. Will report back.
.

ENBB, note that if I had a pug, I be fuckin' wandering around town with him peaking out of my backpack like he was guiding my Jedi training or some shit.

This might be possible with some practice but I think he was a little freaked out first time in:

http://i38.tinypic.com/28a599g.jpg

Hahah aw.

You should have brought him like that to the Boston FAP.

Aw man. If he starts to like it I'm probably just gonna take him everywhere like that tbh.

benson definitely more terrestrial than marsupial imo

transfixed by pugs whenever i see them

they're just not into being like any other dogs

YES! STRONG IS THE DARK SIDE, CONTROL YOU IT WILL!

I WOULD be wandering around town, rather

LOL, he looks like he's thinking "this is so freaking HUMILIATING, ruff >:| "

<3

:D I like how he looks like he's hanging on by the straps. TBH when I first got him in there he was so shocked looking that it was adorable but started wriggling around soon and it was hard to get a good pic.

<3, he's got a 'price of love' look on his face.

Do you tell your partner how deep your depression is? I want to but can't. He knows I am depressed but not to what extent. The drugs are not effective enough (if at all). Anxiety and very dark cloud still persist. Shld get appoint in september. Tempted to see psychoanalyst tbh. Ooooh the irony.

Tbh I even feel guilt, as there is noreason to be depressed.

why can't you?

Like I said, guilt. But also, I don't think I want him to know. It would just freak him out. (-> see how having a partner doesn't save you from depression. Used to hope that but realized I was wrong.)

That guilt you're feeling is a symptom of the depression. The wonderful thing about the drugs I'm on is not that they get rid of my depression--I still go into bad phases, like the very bad one that I was in for the last few days--but I don't feel like the scum of the earth anymore when I'm depressed.

yeah that. and I feel less caught up in/distracted by my emotions (in most cases).

I wanted to say that the guilt is part of me. But that isn't right. Guess you're right.

Also, man, I have really fucked up sleeping patterns. Awake at 4:30. Then again had a two day migraine attack.

Do you know what triggered it?

Oh yes. No way I can solve it, other than reprogramming myself. Lol. Second time this hit me for the exact same reason.

my doctor's advice for insomnia is just not to fight it and roll with it. if you wake up at 4:30, go walk up a hill and watch the sunrise. or make a really luxurious breakfast. and if you can't sleep at 2 am read some long, distracting NYT articles or get some tedious work done, like balance yr checkbook. seems to work for me, it gives me a huge mental energy boost the next day when i do stuff like this so i can deal with the fucked up sleep pattern. i just went back to work (as a high school teacher) after a long summer of daily beach / tennis / cycling / camping / etc. now i am suddenly up until 2 am every night, getting up at 7:30 every day, not doing anything fun / physical / outdoorsy except taking care of new dog. it's tough to stay positive with this type of thing going on - even a "typical" brain would have issues coping - but i think just staying aware of what's going on and reasoning it out helps a lot.

also here's an anecdote

my roommate is a 24 year old teacher who just finished his first year. he's been working at my school for a while as a coach so we're pretty tight. his mom had a stroke at the beginning of his first year which she recovered from but which also left her acutely depressed. his father has a gambling problem. the bank foreclosed on one of their two houses and is threatening the second because their mortgage. his sister is in her 9th year of an endless communications major which mom keeps shelling out for (including rent) and his brother and father just lost their jobs. so he's moving back home tomorrow because he figures that's close to $1000 he can give back to his parents, but he's real upset about the whole thing - it's been brewing all year since the stroke, and he also had to deal with some crazy shit where his teaching partner had a manic depressive episode that resulted in getting fired midyear (that was tough for the entire staff - as a charter school we're a bit of a high-pressure environment)

so anyway, i urged him at the midpoint of last year to use our medical benefits to see a therapist weekly. and lo and behold, it's been working for him, and now he's planning to bring his parents in with him because weekly family therapy is also covered under our plan. and he has a plan for including his mom in his training routine (he's a triathlete) to get her outside and doing stuff instead of watching TV and crying, and he's going to try to figure out something for dad too.

in short, he's a superhero, because he's doing everything humanly possible to get help and support (emotional and material) for himself and his family.

and last night, he was really unhappy, and i asked him what was wrong, and he said "well, i had to admit to my mom i was seeing a therapist when i asked her to come with me".

so yeah, guilt runs deep, even in the best people, but feeling guilty about telling your partner about your problems makes about as much sense.

also, i understand your fear. my marriage imploded because my ex-wife and i weren't able to talk through our mutual problems with depression. and her interpretation of events is still "that i couldn't deal with her depression". but the truth is that she refused to get help, and i had to leave, because it wasn't healthy for me to be taking sole responsibility for our relationship. one person can't be doing all the work. so sharing the problem is OK, but only if you do it with a plan to get help, and you include your partner in that plan, and show respect for their efforts. if they don't want to help, then you have to wonder what kind of "loved one" they really are ...

and yeah, now i've been seeing a really amazing girl for a year, and i've done all sorts of crazy stuff i've wanted to do my whole life but i've always been scared to, and we started things out by communicating really clearly and frankly about my problems, and what i'm doing to address them and how she can support me in that effort, and how i can respect her support by in turn supporting her.

so i say go ahead and tell your partner.

sorry to get all soapbox-y on you, just try to stay positive, remember that if someone you knew wanted to tell their partner something but felt like they couldn't they'd feel pretty depressed, remember that you **can** reprogram your brain but that you should also accept your own differences, and good luck sorting it out

Fucked up sleeping patterns can become the egg to depression's chicken, if that makes sense. Try to get regular sleep, it's really essential. Back in January, I got on a vicious cycle of insomnia due to bad dreams (night time flashbacks) leading to daytime exhaustion which led to more flashbacks and a fear of sleeping due to nightmares, etc. I know that was just me, but I imagine I'm not completely alone in that.

Oh, exercise is what dragged me out of the pattern -- combination yoga and cardio.

(xposts w/ moonship)

moonship otm, tho

Depression fucking terrifies me, quite honestly. And I deal with PTSD symptoms pretty much daily.