[1P3 ROCKTOBER] Ask Ned Raggett, ROCKTOBER EDITION

7a. It would be wise to consider one's choice of cuisine. If, however, this is not a factor, it should be noted that red does not require chilling to be savored and enjoyed. It also goes spectacularly well with chocolate. Further notes on the efficacy of this combination in certain personal situations could be given, but are not needed.

7b. Acceptability is a loaded notion. In some cultures it is accepted to blow your nose on someone's shirt-tail before engaging their housepet in coition. (The veracity of the foregoing claim is questionable.) Therefore one should ask instead if pleasing yourself is key. If so, engage in this behavior, being always mindful of the fact that pleasing yourself in public is considered high-risk behavior for arrest.

8. Ned - why cant I enjoy any alcohol with food at all? The only beverage I can drink with a meal is water.

9. Ned - W1TCH 1 OF US b TEH RAEL N00d SPOOK???

8. This is very unfortunate! I would be gravely disappointed with life if I could not do such a thing, and would seek to blame a gypsy curse or evil gnomes in lieu of anything else. I can but conclude that something in alcohol and your systems requires an otherwise empty stomach, but that seems far too limited. I would suggest some sort of experimentation to see if there are combinations that work but if nothing has availed, consult your doctor and ask. Sadly, there may simply be no solution.

9. Reality as such is hogwash. The question is moot.

10. Obie Trice: Man or Myth?

11. Who is your favourite Australian Rules Football player of all time and why? (Mark "Jacko" Jackson is not an acceptable choice.)

12. Who let the dogs out? Who who who?

10. Existence is confirmed by the name. Had there been no name in particular, there would have been no existence. This is why the Sasquatch is false, as in fact there is no proper name it has.

11. Australian Rules football appears to exist in a world where old men in pith helmets are given undue respect. From the perspective of the 21st century, this is a false religion. Its idols must be destroyed.

12. Fred, last Sunday.

13. Am I gonna see the Biff again?

This is great.

13. The Biff has received your desire but feels that you have expressed yourself poorly until now. Among other things he wants to be known as Monsieur Le Beouf.

!!

lolz

I hope Ned Raggett never visits Newcastle, Australia!!

Phrase it in the form of a question.

14. What would you do if ever faced with the prospect of the Biff coming back (and God willing, it will)?

I'm happy we found our Grand Marshall.

Ned is the Santa at the end of the parade.

15. List top 5 halloween costumes you have worn.

16. Why hasn't anybody said how freakin cute my kid is in her lastest parenting thread photo? Has breeding made them BLIND?!?

Jerks!

17.a What is your favourite shopped picture of yourself, made by someone else
17.b Are you pleased with this shop:

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/69/209467814_6097790e04_o.jpg

In order:

14. The prospect concerns me not at all. You have confused with an entity that gives a damn. I do not, being removed from your petty foibles and concerns in this alleged 'life' you lead. Instead I am saturnine and reserved, observing and recording. Occasionally I eat.

15. These would include:

* Pac-Man
* Charlie Brown
* Raistlin
* A generic magician (you can never have enough)
* An extra from the movie The Apple, of which I am greatly fond.

16. The cuteness of your daughter is acknowledged. It is possible at the time of posting that most observers of the thread were drunk or otherwise incapacitated. Blindness is possible too, and you should stop being rude about people who suffer from it, since there but for the grace of god and/or myself go you. Jeez.

17. Favorite shopped photo. Hmm. I have no outstanding examples, being simply and stupidly pleased with them all.

17a. It would appear that the Maselamb's neck is broken. That might be causing pain. You should reconsider.

I think I'm going to ignore the questions and just read the answers from now on.

Lol @ immediate coining of "Maselamb."

18. Why da hate for the Biff?
19. Should Vini Reilly try In-N-Out Burger?

18. I never hate the Biff, or a Biff or even a side of Biff. Clearly you are insane.

19. Vini Reilly, it is well known, is made of matchsticks, cotton and felt. As such he is somewhat delicate, and it is to be feared that a burger of any sort might cause his system some distress. The specific reason for this can be found in the interaction of various products to be found in the burger. It can be assumed that in anything resembling a 'special sauce' is some form of enzyme which devours mitochondria. Mr. Reilly would perish in seconds. Therefore, he should not try it, unless you are his enemy and wish to force a burger upon him. Be careful how you force it down his throat, your hands may get sticky.

20. Ned, why do people lie?

20. Because they are:

* conniving
* nervous
* ashamed
* evil
* stupid
* forgetful

Delete as appropriate. Combine together into one human being as needed, then boil in oil. Repeat if necessary.

21. Did Marty McFly really invent Rock and Roll or have those Hollywood SCUMBAGS been lying to us??

21. The inventor of rock and roll was one Edna Esclavos, who lived in the small town of Dubston in Feedlenix County, Kansas. Bored with life in 1954, she made a guitar out of hay and a fence post and proceeded to proclaim that 'society is a hole' and that everyone should collective put all their hands on what she described as 'the big one,' but she refused clarification on this point when interviewed by the weekly paper, the Feedlenix Finder-Observer. Her husband protested this turn of events but the huge crowds that gathered back behind their old outhouse, where Edna would play on the roof, would hear no argument otherwise. Tragically she died when lightning struck her after a ten-minute guitar solo, but a young James Brown swore upon her grave he would 'uplift the masses and their asses' by means of a tribute show to her every night. He stopped after two days but no matter.

21 wins

We all must remember to THANK Mr. Raggett, isn't that right, 1p3?

22. tips on picking up ladies, plz

22. As follows (in order desired, or of desire -- working also under the assumption that the generic picker-upper I am creating is, like our Mr. Gr8080, of the male persuasion):

* "HI DERE" or equivalent. Politer the better if first approach to said lass of interest. Overly polite, ie, "Prithee fair maiden hast thou seen the bar list" or whatever = you are either Adam Ant in the "Prince Charming" video (good, very very good) or you are an SCA/RenFest reject (go wash immediately, shave off your scraggly beard and in general know you will not know love at all until you realize what a terrible mistake your life has been until now -- do not sidestep into Star Trek conventions either).

* It is well known that the Mere Male, who can be very, very Mere, often has an appreciation of the female bosom in all its ways. All sides knowing this, it is therefore wise upon first introduction and discussion to remember to look into her *eyes* rather than at her *cleavage.* The Merest of Males forget this simple note, and wonder why they are once again wanking themselves to sleep later on in the evening, the deep-fried mini-tacos and the endless PBRs or Grolschs having again sadly precluded sense and tact. Apply similar standards to other parts of the body one might fetishize, ie ass, elbow (know the difference between these two), legs, feet (unless you are Quentin Tarantino, in which case it is obvious why you are talking to her feet), etc.

* Humor good. Bad humor bad. Know the difference. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck" or any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.

* If you are under the assumption that all you want out of the chance encounter you are currently engineering is a conducting of social relations for an evening in the privacy of one's own home/bedsit/car/park bench and nothing more, that's fine, but it would be handy if you read the appropriate signals the lady you are talking with is giving off in this matter. If she is interested and things progress from there, hurrah. If she is not interested, take the hint. If you persist, she will seek to leave. If you do anything stupider in this situation, mockery will be the least of your problems. Don't make us find you and kill you.

* Brush your goddamn teeth, floss, and otherwise take care of yourself. If you need me to spell this out for you, you are already in deep trouble.

any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.

This is classic stuff!!

Ned u r kewl.

23. You come over and watch the Cubs game with the exploited 18 year olds y/n?

23. This all depends on who is doing the exploiting and for what purpose. I have principles. (These are all easily corrupted.)

24. Please gauge the success of 1p3 Rocktober four (or maybe three for u) days in. What is the public's perception?

25. Who do you like in the NL post season?

24. Its success is unmeasured, indeed immeasurable. Please consider -- when Isaac Newton sat under a tree and a cow fell on his head, he did not immediately conceive of the full measure of what we know now as the gravatomological theory of existence. This states that, in fact, all atoms are of equal size, mostly pear-shaped, and have pits instead of seeds. This being the case, they are logically attracted towards each other, because all seeds in atoms are born of the same mother, the ueberatom known in the vulgar tongue as 'Laureena.' The units used to determine these relationships have taken many generations to work out and to this day, a team of gnome slaves are currently working in the basement of Microsoft in order to determine exactly the right amount of atomseeds that can be force-fed to create pate de fois gras on the head of a pin. These gnomes are rewarded for their efforts with marginally less beatings. Again, however, Newton did not immediately conceive of this, and instead yelled, "Why did a COW just land on my head?" He then chopped down the tree with an ax and became the father of his country, having made love to the ground. Thus you can see that the gauge of measuring the success of Rocktober requires centuries of effort, a cow, a good winching system, and gnomes.

25. A fair question. Let us consider, by means of the alleged schedule which has been agreed on, by means of lies, threats and commercial sponsorship. (In the case of the American League playoffs, all these factored in as well, plus George Steinbrenner's money, the terror that is the flatlands of Anaheim not some ten miles or so to the north of here [a strange blasted heath of an area, with a ghost-ridden mountain featuring the frozen cadaver of Walt Disney's chaffeur and/or Michael Jackson], and Sam Adams beer, which is currently being consumed by drunkards.)

* According to one matchup, CHC plays ARI. It is to be assumed that the teams are standing in for certain ur-figures represented by the three word names, much like how the entity claimed as God is spelled out as YHWH by those who believe that vowels are either of the Devil or of New Jersey (alternately, Gulfport). Therefore Chicago in fact is playing for the spirit of Chic, the greatest band that ever existed that was not My Bloody Valentine or the Raunchy Young Lepers. Arizona is playing for Ari Fleischer, a troll in human form that once spent years in the service of the current president lying for him daily. It is therefore damned. Chicago by a mile, unless foul curses are at work once again (and after the Red Sox AND the White Sox beat theirs, would it be any surprise that the Cubs couldn't?).

* We now consider the other. COL faces PHI. In this case, Colorado stands for Colonel Sanders, chicken magnate and dead man. Being dead, he might be seen to have limited influence, but one should never rule out the dead, especially if they are extra crispy, from having bathed in the fires of hell. In the case of Philadelphia, PHI obviously means Phi Beta Kappa, the honors society in which your humble respondent is well-known as a primary member of honor (in much the same way that he is an official honest-to-god Eagle Scout -- you can just sense the upright citizenship around my every word). Regardless, it is still Philadelphia, and no matter how many cheesesteaks are devoured, generic fried chicken has the numbers. Colorado in 5.

The above should not be seen as accurate predictions or judgments. They are, however, a damn sight better than everything else you've heard or read so far, especially if you have done nothing but listen to excitable men on sports talk radio. Remember: every time they go on about something, you never have to see what they look like, and it is likely they are not wearing any pants. Would you trust such creatures?

26. Ned, I was at a Phillies game during Opening Week this year and it was also "Student Night" and "Dollar Dog Night". A combination that led those Philly Students to throw hot dogs onto the field after knocking back a few refreshing ales. If the Phillies schedule every home playoff as a Student Dollar Dog Night, could they make it to the World Series?

26. Likely not. The suggestive-in-a-Freudian-sense appearance of too many Dollar Dogs would cause an outbreak of homosexual orgies in the stands and on the field during the game. This is sanctioned by law, which instead encourages these activities after the game is over.

!

27. Ned, do you care about black people?

27. I only care about celery.

28. Are you jealous of competing thread "ask and what"?

28. Certainly not, because that was prompted by "Ask Abbott," a very fine thread. I am above competition.

29. Why does Longpigs' 1999 masterpiece Mobile Home have a 1.5 star rating on allmusic? :(

A+ attitude

29. I have not heard this album, ergo it does not exist. (Similarly I have never seen George W. Bush in person = he is a consensual fantasy dreamed up by a ruling class.)

30. Ned, should I sleep with my work colleague or my house mate? Both are female AND brunette!!

30. I would say that you would seem to be a prime candidate to ask them to sleep with each other while you watch. You should at least ask them to sign release forms before setting up the webcam, as well as checking your health insurance since your privates might be forcibly removed from you ten seconds after making the suggestion.

NED WILL BE APPEARING LIVE IN NEW YORK JUNE 28. PLS TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS NOW!!!!

HI DERE PLS TO EXPLAIN IN WHICH DIRECTION THE BRONX AND BATTERY ARE RESPECTIVELY

ned-

why does king boy pato wear a cape?

-gr8080

Ned-

Why does Kevin Shields say "we want hen fap" in "What You Want"?

-Curt1s

get yr questions in soon!!

ned -

what is the silliest outfit you have ever worn? this includes anything you have been forced to wear, as well as things you have chosen to wear.

-roxy

i only have 4 questions here, guys. that's not even long enough for an oprah segment.

Dear Ned Raggett-

What would you suggest is the best way for me to become an internet rock music critic?

Also, how can i get beer w/o a fake ID????

-Anthony

same answer for both questions

answers have been submitted. videos will be uploaded shortly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_elsHJKv1pM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UXGevBJrL8

sexy nip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoaNAczh16I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWUUyxqv0xo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns5S-u9hdt4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skSlkTSunGU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjIF5vd2YXU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65-GXm6U-UM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0ynuqptL9Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBCksPDQyek

ah damn, should have thought to submit a question.

ah damn, should have thought to submit a question about a polarizing britpop band.

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/sdfghjk.jpg

"too short pussy pop"

poll plz

reads like lyrics to the best daft punk song ever

im gonna vote for "hillary clinton screensavers"

lol @ these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I thank you all.

sexe cunt anal booty thong

riw1989 has made a comment on Ned Raggett: T/S: Manic Street Preachers vs Gay Dad:

You fail to mention the fact that Edwards wrote the greatest "dark" album ever. I've yet to encounter an album which takes all the problems of modern life. Wire also successfuly tackled this as well in many different songs too, design for life and ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayit'sworldwouldfallapart to name two. So, you completely failed to talk about anything musically by the manics with Richey and agreed that he is more intelligent than you. Good job you moron.

haha failed to mention that one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaD8hK7o1lk

my account w/ all the ask ned raggett videos was deleted by youtube after using it to troll metallica fans but thankfully one outraged manic street preachers fan reposted this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn-yTOO8KIY