a divorce thread

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my parent's looong disaster of a marriage certainly informed my approach to it (ie no fucking way, ever, thanks)

May be half naked, but knows a good headline when he sees it (darraghmac), Friday, 14 May 2010 10:12 (4 years ago) Permalink

What darraghmac said.

not_goodwin, Friday, 14 May 2010 10:27 (4 years ago) Permalink

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:56 (4 years ago) Permalink

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

O RLY?

all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:57 (4 years ago) Permalink

I really wonder about the motivation behind it.

PRESENTS

Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:58 (4 years ago) Permalink

Oh yeah.

The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 17:10 (4 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

my best friend's wife basically left him over the weekend. horrible timing as his father is dying right now as well and she's decided she wants to date someone else. they've been married for 12 years and have a 6 year old daughter and to him this basically came out of the blue; they had some issues having to do with communication, arranging finances, etc, but nothing that seemed to warrant this. very stressful on him (he responded by going home to the UK because it looked like his dad was going to snuff it immediately) but he'll come back. we're in california. he has no money and has been a stay at home parent for six years; she is the sole breadwinner. someone give us some advice here. I'm telling him it's very important he NOT leave the home; she's talking about them trading off week from week but I said no way, she is initiating this because she wants to sleep around, he didn't ask for it, so she needs to find other living arrangements for herself. I also am stressing to him that, though yeah, he's going to have to get a job, she's still going to be on the hook for support. they own a house.

any advice?

akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 20:18 (2 years ago) Permalink

Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer. Borrow the money if he has to, but lawyer up sooner rather than later. It's very important that he realize that getting a lawyer is not a declaration of war or an act of aggression -- it's a way to make sure that someone who knows the law is looking out for his and his kid's interests while he goes to work on getting his head together.

Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:03 (2 years ago) Permalink

he's got NO cash though. I mean nothing. He was wholly dependent on her financially (I'm not sure he even has credit in his name). Will lawyers see people like this? I have to imagine some will.

akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:11 (2 years ago) Permalink

Some will, and I think especially in California.

Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:12 (2 years ago) Permalink

My sister is in the same situation, akm and it's been very, very difficult to find a lawyer who isn't a total sleeze.

fka snush (remy bean), Friday, 30 March 2012 21:24 (2 years ago) Permalink

I guess he and I both know some lawyers in our social circle, maybe even some in family law, so I'll see if he can talk with them. Will be somewhat awkward since our kids all went to preschool together but he needs to find someone trustworthy.

akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:27 (2 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, the best way to find a good local lawyer is to ask another lawyer -- and the specialty doesn't matter when you're asking. A real estate lawyer or criminal defense attorney will know who the good divorce lawyers are. The phone book is no help.

Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:43 (2 years ago) Permalink

1 month passes...

very difficult to be seeing a friend thru this right now. i am not fully equipped for it.

surm, Thursday, 3 May 2012 18:18 (2 years ago) Permalink

she confides in me every day. i am honored that she trusts me, but a little scared by it all. i am not the most put-together person i know.

surm, Tuesday, 8 May 2012 12:56 (2 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

trips me out that every single instance of divorce among my peers in my immediate social + professional circle has involved the woman leaving the man because they are, basically, tired of their husbands.

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:40 (1 year ago) Permalink

Hm. There have been two in my old circle of Twin Cities high school pals lately but both of those were the flipside of that situation.

Don't have any recent examples from my current social+pro circle though to compare...

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:49 (1 year ago) Permalink

husbands tend to be tiresome xp

Misc. Carnivora (Matt P), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:51 (1 year ago) Permalink

Well this is timely--my sister just texted me "It's done." I think she means filing for divorce, but I imagine there are still some steps left...?

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:55 (1 year ago) Permalink

Almost all the women I know who are divorced outgrew or got tired of their husbands, yes. One was actually abusive, but the rest just didn't keep up in life or in personal growth.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:56 (1 year ago) Permalink

8 year anniversary in a month, minor miracle considering previous track record of me being outgrown by gf's

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:03 (1 year ago) Permalink

It often seems like the guys are just looking to...coast? Like get to an OK stage and leave it there and not have anything change. But the women ended up doing most of the housekeeping, cooking, child care (if applic), shopping, plus their part- or full-time jobs even up to equal wage-earning status. For my sister it definitely was like having 2 kids instead of 1 kid and a spouse--although it's fair to say she probably shouldn't have married a complacent youngest child whose mother had always done everything for him if she wanted a full partner.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:07 (1 year ago) Permalink

It often seems like the guys are just looking to...coast?

This is the goal, yes.

how's life, Friday, 27 July 2012 19:09 (1 year ago) Permalink

yeah I don't know what to attribute it to, can't make too many generalizations. a couple instances have been wife-gets-bored/cheats on husband/ditches him scenarios. not so sure about what really drove the others, but in all cases the husbands seem blindsided.

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:10 (1 year ago) Permalink

part of me wants to make some sort of terrible sub-David Brooks extrapolations about what this all means on a broader social level but the more sensible part of me knows this is just some fluke of my own personal experience

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:11 (1 year ago) Permalink

In my anecdotal experience also, the husbands always seem to think everything is okay--or at least they have more to lose by rocking the boat so they'd rather not make any drastic changes. But that's...the problem?

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:23 (1 year ago) Permalink

^^^ feels v true to me, like the oldest story known to mankind kinda true

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:26 (1 year ago) Permalink

weird that with my 2 high school buddies it was the wife who performed the wilfully ignoring/evrything's okay role.

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:26 (1 year ago) Permalink

or at least they have more to lose by rocking the boat so they'd rather not make any drastic changes

this seems u&k to me, especially given CA's divorce laws

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:27 (1 year ago) Permalink

I don't know anything about divorce laws, that could be part of it. I meant that their lives are way more improved by being married than the women's are. The guys usually want to get remarried right away and get back to "normal," and the women can't imagine why they would ever get married again--or at least there's a very vocal strain of that.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:30 (1 year ago) Permalink

but the rest just didn't keep up in life or in personal growth

what does this actually mean?

40oz of tears (Jordan), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:30 (1 year ago) Permalink

we don't know, that's why they divorce us ;_;

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (1 year ago) Permalink

in CA a wife divorcing her husband gets 50% of his assets for the rest of his life

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (1 year ago) Permalink

that's what she's entitled to by law, anyway. she could end up getting more, of course.

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (1 year ago) Permalink

A lot of different things, probably too many to talk about like that, my bad. But from what I hear, just not expecting to grow as people or get more interesting or more cultivated or work on their emotional issues any more because they had what they wanted and it wasn't worth the effort going further?

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (1 year ago) Permalink

Yeah, sorry for the lol, lauren, but it's funny that your sister didn't know that she had married a man.

pplains, Friday, 27 July 2012 19:37 (1 year ago) Permalink

basically, dudes who treat marriage as a paper transaction and do not expect to change anything about who they are or what they do?
if so, that's my sister-I-L's husband, tho they do not appear close to divorce

electric point-electric counterpoint (m bison), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:38 (1 year ago) Permalink

seems weird to marry someone with the expectation that they will later be a different person from the one you married, i dunno

40oz of tears (Jordan), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:43 (1 year ago) Permalink

some really great definitive anecdotal data in this thread update, good research everyone

congratulations (n/a), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:44 (1 year ago) Permalink

Anyone ever notice how men drive one way and women drive a different way?

how's life, Friday, 27 July 2012 19:45 (1 year ago) Permalink

just happy to be part of the team

electric point-electric counterpoint (m bison), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:45 (1 year ago) Permalink

wasn't aware this thread was only for certified researchers my bad

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:47 (1 year ago) Permalink

maybe I will grow into it

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:47 (1 year ago) Permalink

obv haven't dug into sociological data, any1 w new information on why women are leaving their mans is heretofore asked to post here

electric point-electric counterpoint (m bison), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:48 (1 year ago) Permalink

this is an ilx thread, not a thesis

― congratulations (n/a), Thursday, July 26, 2012 1:26 PM (Yesterday)

boxall, Friday, 27 July 2012 19:48 (1 year ago) Permalink

Oh that was the cool thread you started, n/m.

boxall, Friday, 27 July 2012 19:48 (1 year ago) Permalink

is there a happily married thread? I SHOULD START IT /marital braggin

electric point-electric counterpoint (m bison), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:50 (1 year ago) Permalink

how about "this is the thread where we talk about how awesome our marriages are"

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:51 (1 year ago) Permalink

I said it was anecdotal and so did shakey; I even specified that one of the examples is my sister. I never claimed to be impartial or w/e.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:52 (1 year ago) Permalink

I'm sorry for posting that in the divorce thread, seems insensitive
I'm still p young so I dont know many divorcing couples. don't know that many married ones, either, I just married young I guess

electric point-electric counterpoint (m bison), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:53 (1 year ago) Permalink


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