a divorce thread

fear of eternal loneliness & having no one except for ilx posters to "talk" to for the rest of your life

marriage is not a guarantee of being loved and having someone for eternity

you're right, it's not a guarantee.

Tax breaks.

I kid.

I was engaged once. I'm pretty sure if we'd gone through it, we'd have been divorced in three months. I'm not in a rush.

It's totally for some people, though, and I'd never begrudge them the opportunity (even those who announce they're engaged the day following their divorce, no matter how shitty that is to the ex). I wish he would've been using to the separation to work out his issues and I wish she would've waited to announce TO THE WORLD (i.e. all the mutual friends, him, their children) that she's already engaged.

I was engaged once as well, mainly due to immigration reasons (partner was canadian and gonna move to Aus). That ended, and I am also thankful, cos it really wasn't the right thing to do at all.

The Importance of Hating Your Ex

i can see where he's coming from, but yeah tbh fuck taking 'sides'

People who boast about their engagement on FB are just sort of ridiculous anyway. It's like sending all your friends cards telling them you're engaged. WHich some people do. "Jamie and Maria are engaged" with some gold cursive script and a photo of the lovebirds inside. Or possible a little more "craftsy" if the couple has Pixies listening in their past. What is the point of this shit? If I'm really your friend, you're going to tell me about it anyway. If I'm not really your friend, why am I getting this card about your intention to bone one person exclusively for the rest of your life? Doing this on FB is even less personal, and I really wonder about the motivation behind it.

when your parents start dropping the divorce word (when you yourself are in your thirties): still saddens you. but they won't (i hope). still, it's rather earth shattering. kinda fucking weird, cause you're an adult and you should be able to shrug it off, right?

I don't think you could ever casually shrug off something like that...are they already separated?

Nath, I hope this comes across in an understanding way, but does this put your mother's attitudes and advice about your own marriage into a different light? That, for me, would be the weirdest part.

my parent's looong disaster of a marriage certainly informed my approach to it (ie no fucking way, ever, thanks)

What darraghmac said.

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

O RLY?

I really wonder about the motivation behind it.

PRESENTS

Oh yeah.

my best friend's wife basically left him over the weekend. horrible timing as his father is dying right now as well and she's decided she wants to date someone else. they've been married for 12 years and have a 6 year old daughter and to him this basically came out of the blue; they had some issues having to do with communication, arranging finances, etc, but nothing that seemed to warrant this. very stressful on him (he responded by going home to the UK because it looked like his dad was going to snuff it immediately) but he'll come back. we're in california. he has no money and has been a stay at home parent for six years; she is the sole breadwinner. someone give us some advice here. I'm telling him it's very important he NOT leave the home; she's talking about them trading off week from week but I said no way, she is initiating this because she wants to sleep around, he didn't ask for it, so she needs to find other living arrangements for herself. I also am stressing to him that, though yeah, he's going to have to get a job, she's still going to be on the hook for support. they own a house.

any advice?

Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer. Borrow the money if he has to, but lawyer up sooner rather than later. It's very important that he realize that getting a lawyer is not a declaration of war or an act of aggression -- it's a way to make sure that someone who knows the law is looking out for his and his kid's interests while he goes to work on getting his head together.

he's got NO cash though. I mean nothing. He was wholly dependent on her financially (I'm not sure he even has credit in his name). Will lawyers see people like this? I have to imagine some will.

Some will, and I think especially in California.

My sister is in the same situation, akm and it's been very, very difficult to find a lawyer who isn't a total sleeze.

I guess he and I both know some lawyers in our social circle, maybe even some in family law, so I'll see if he can talk with them. Will be somewhat awkward since our kids all went to preschool together but he needs to find someone trustworthy.

Yeah, the best way to find a good local lawyer is to ask another lawyer -- and the specialty doesn't matter when you're asking. A real estate lawyer or criminal defense attorney will know who the good divorce lawyers are. The phone book is no help.

very difficult to be seeing a friend thru this right now. i am not fully equipped for it.

she confides in me every day. i am honored that she trusts me, but a little scared by it all. i am not the most put-together person i know.

trips me out that every single instance of divorce among my peers in my immediate social + professional circle has involved the woman leaving the man because they are, basically, tired of their husbands.

Hm. There have been two in my old circle of Twin Cities high school pals lately but both of those were the flipside of that situation.

Don't have any recent examples from my current social+pro circle though to compare...

husbands tend to be tiresome xp

Well this is timely--my sister just texted me "It's done." I think she means filing for divorce, but I imagine there are still some steps left...?

Almost all the women I know who are divorced outgrew or got tired of their husbands, yes. One was actually abusive, but the rest just didn't keep up in life or in personal growth.

8 year anniversary in a month, minor miracle considering previous track record of me being outgrown by gf's

It often seems like the guys are just looking to...coast? Like get to an OK stage and leave it there and not have anything change. But the women ended up doing most of the housekeeping, cooking, child care (if applic), shopping, plus their part- or full-time jobs even up to equal wage-earning status. For my sister it definitely was like having 2 kids instead of 1 kid and a spouse--although it's fair to say she probably shouldn't have married a complacent youngest child whose mother had always done everything for him if she wanted a full partner.

It often seems like the guys are just looking to...coast?

This is the goal, yes.

yeah I don't know what to attribute it to, can't make too many generalizations. a couple instances have been wife-gets-bored/cheats on husband/ditches him scenarios. not so sure about what really drove the others, but in all cases the husbands seem blindsided.

part of me wants to make some sort of terrible sub-David Brooks extrapolations about what this all means on a broader social level but the more sensible part of me knows this is just some fluke of my own personal experience

In my anecdotal experience also, the husbands always seem to think everything is okay--or at least they have more to lose by rocking the boat so they'd rather not make any drastic changes. But that's...the problem?

^^^ feels v true to me, like the oldest story known to mankind kinda true

weird that with my 2 high school buddies it was the wife who performed the wilfully ignoring/evrything's okay role.

or at least they have more to lose by rocking the boat so they'd rather not make any drastic changes

this seems u&k to me, especially given CA's divorce laws

I don't know anything about divorce laws, that could be part of it. I meant that their lives are way more improved by being married than the women's are. The guys usually want to get remarried right away and get back to "normal," and the women can't imagine why they would ever get married again--or at least there's a very vocal strain of that.

but the rest just didn't keep up in life or in personal growth

what does this actually mean?

we don't know, that's why they divorce us ;_;

in CA a wife divorcing her husband gets 50% of his assets for the rest of his life

that's what she's entitled to by law, anyway. she could end up getting more, of course.

A lot of different things, probably too many to talk about like that, my bad. But from what I hear, just not expecting to grow as people or get more interesting or more cultivated or work on their emotional issues any more because they had what they wanted and it wasn't worth the effort going further?

Yeah, sorry for the lol, lauren, but it's funny that your sister didn't know that she had married a man.

basically, dudes who treat marriage as a paper transaction and do not expect to change anything about who they are or what they do?
if so, that's my sister-I-L's husband, tho they do not appear close to divorce

seems weird to marry someone with the expectation that they will later be a different person from the one you married, i dunno