a divorce thread

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what about people who probably SHOULD get a divorce, but don't? I know a few folks who fall into that camp.

homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:15 (4 years ago) Permalink

this brings up the whole, "Why get married in the first place?" question.

homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:15 (4 years ago) Permalink

love.

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 14 May 2010 00:17 (4 years ago) Permalink

fear of eternal loneliness & having no one except for ilx posters to "talk" to for the rest of your life

my baby's got the bans (ksh), Friday, 14 May 2010 00:24 (4 years ago) Permalink

marriage is not a guarantee of being loved and having someone for eternity

homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:40 (4 years ago) Permalink

you're right, it's not a guarantee.

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 14 May 2010 01:00 (4 years ago) Permalink

Tax breaks.

I kid.

he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 14 May 2010 01:13 (4 years ago) Permalink

I was engaged once. I'm pretty sure if we'd gone through it, we'd have been divorced in three months. I'm not in a rush.

It's totally for some people, though, and I'd never begrudge them the opportunity (even those who announce they're engaged the day following their divorce, no matter how shitty that is to the ex). I wish he would've been using to the separation to work out his issues and I wish she would've waited to announce TO THE WORLD (i.e. all the mutual friends, him, their children) that she's already engaged.

Johnny Fever, Friday, 14 May 2010 01:18 (4 years ago) Permalink

I was engaged once as well, mainly due to immigration reasons (partner was canadian and gonna move to Aus). That ended, and I am also thankful, cos it really wasn't the right thing to do at all.

Eyjafjallalalalalatrolololol (Trayce), Friday, 14 May 2010 01:23 (4 years ago) Permalink

The Importance of Hating Your Ex

mookieproof, Friday, 14 May 2010 02:21 (4 years ago) Permalink

i can see where he's coming from, but yeah tbh fuck taking 'sides'

May be half naked, but knows a good headline when he sees it (darraghmac), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:03 (4 years ago) Permalink

People who boast about their engagement on FB are just sort of ridiculous anyway. It's like sending all your friends cards telling them you're engaged. WHich some people do. "Jamie and Maria are engaged" with some gold cursive script and a photo of the lovebirds inside. Or possible a little more "craftsy" if the couple has Pixies listening in their past. What is the point of this shit? If I'm really your friend, you're going to tell me about it anyway. If I'm not really your friend, why am I getting this card about your intention to bone one person exclusively for the rest of your life? Doing this on FB is even less personal, and I really wonder about the motivation behind it.

The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:36 (4 years ago) Permalink

when your parents start dropping the divorce word (when you yourself are in your thirties): still saddens you. but they won't (i hope). still, it's rather earth shattering. kinda fucking weird, cause you're an adult and you should be able to shrug it off, right?

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:39 (4 years ago) Permalink

I don't think you could ever casually shrug off something like that...are they already separated?

Matt #2, Friday, 14 May 2010 10:04 (4 years ago) Permalink

Nath, I hope this comes across in an understanding way, but does this put your mother's attitudes and advice about your own marriage into a different light? That, for me, would be the weirdest part.

3-D Whinge-ometer (Masonic Boom), Friday, 14 May 2010 10:09 (4 years ago) Permalink

my parent's looong disaster of a marriage certainly informed my approach to it (ie no fucking way, ever, thanks)

May be half naked, but knows a good headline when he sees it (darraghmac), Friday, 14 May 2010 10:12 (4 years ago) Permalink

What darraghmac said.

not_goodwin, Friday, 14 May 2010 10:27 (4 years ago) Permalink

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:56 (4 years ago) Permalink

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

O RLY?

all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:57 (4 years ago) Permalink

I really wonder about the motivation behind it.

PRESENTS

Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:58 (4 years ago) Permalink

Oh yeah.

The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 17:10 (4 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

my best friend's wife basically left him over the weekend. horrible timing as his father is dying right now as well and she's decided she wants to date someone else. they've been married for 12 years and have a 6 year old daughter and to him this basically came out of the blue; they had some issues having to do with communication, arranging finances, etc, but nothing that seemed to warrant this. very stressful on him (he responded by going home to the UK because it looked like his dad was going to snuff it immediately) but he'll come back. we're in california. he has no money and has been a stay at home parent for six years; she is the sole breadwinner. someone give us some advice here. I'm telling him it's very important he NOT leave the home; she's talking about them trading off week from week but I said no way, she is initiating this because she wants to sleep around, he didn't ask for it, so she needs to find other living arrangements for herself. I also am stressing to him that, though yeah, he's going to have to get a job, she's still going to be on the hook for support. they own a house.

any advice?

akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 20:18 (2 years ago) Permalink

Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer. Borrow the money if he has to, but lawyer up sooner rather than later. It's very important that he realize that getting a lawyer is not a declaration of war or an act of aggression -- it's a way to make sure that someone who knows the law is looking out for his and his kid's interests while he goes to work on getting his head together.

Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:03 (2 years ago) Permalink

he's got NO cash though. I mean nothing. He was wholly dependent on her financially (I'm not sure he even has credit in his name). Will lawyers see people like this? I have to imagine some will.

akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:11 (2 years ago) Permalink

Some will, and I think especially in California.

Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:12 (2 years ago) Permalink

My sister is in the same situation, akm and it's been very, very difficult to find a lawyer who isn't a total sleeze.

fka snush (remy bean), Friday, 30 March 2012 21:24 (2 years ago) Permalink

I guess he and I both know some lawyers in our social circle, maybe even some in family law, so I'll see if he can talk with them. Will be somewhat awkward since our kids all went to preschool together but he needs to find someone trustworthy.

akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:27 (2 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, the best way to find a good local lawyer is to ask another lawyer -- and the specialty doesn't matter when you're asking. A real estate lawyer or criminal defense attorney will know who the good divorce lawyers are. The phone book is no help.

Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:43 (2 years ago) Permalink

1 month passes...

very difficult to be seeing a friend thru this right now. i am not fully equipped for it.

surm, Thursday, 3 May 2012 18:18 (2 years ago) Permalink

she confides in me every day. i am honored that she trusts me, but a little scared by it all. i am not the most put-together person i know.

surm, Tuesday, 8 May 2012 12:56 (2 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

trips me out that every single instance of divorce among my peers in my immediate social + professional circle has involved the woman leaving the man because they are, basically, tired of their husbands.

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:40 (2 years ago) Permalink

Hm. There have been two in my old circle of Twin Cities high school pals lately but both of those were the flipside of that situation.

Don't have any recent examples from my current social+pro circle though to compare...

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:49 (2 years ago) Permalink

husbands tend to be tiresome xp

Misc. Carnivora (Matt P), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:51 (2 years ago) Permalink

Well this is timely--my sister just texted me "It's done." I think she means filing for divorce, but I imagine there are still some steps left...?

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:55 (2 years ago) Permalink

Almost all the women I know who are divorced outgrew or got tired of their husbands, yes. One was actually abusive, but the rest just didn't keep up in life or in personal growth.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:56 (2 years ago) Permalink

8 year anniversary in a month, minor miracle considering previous track record of me being outgrown by gf's

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:03 (2 years ago) Permalink

It often seems like the guys are just looking to...coast? Like get to an OK stage and leave it there and not have anything change. But the women ended up doing most of the housekeeping, cooking, child care (if applic), shopping, plus their part- or full-time jobs even up to equal wage-earning status. For my sister it definitely was like having 2 kids instead of 1 kid and a spouse--although it's fair to say she probably shouldn't have married a complacent youngest child whose mother had always done everything for him if she wanted a full partner.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:07 (2 years ago) Permalink

It often seems like the guys are just looking to...coast?

This is the goal, yes.

how's life, Friday, 27 July 2012 19:09 (2 years ago) Permalink

yeah I don't know what to attribute it to, can't make too many generalizations. a couple instances have been wife-gets-bored/cheats on husband/ditches him scenarios. not so sure about what really drove the others, but in all cases the husbands seem blindsided.

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:10 (2 years ago) Permalink

part of me wants to make some sort of terrible sub-David Brooks extrapolations about what this all means on a broader social level but the more sensible part of me knows this is just some fluke of my own personal experience

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:11 (2 years ago) Permalink

In my anecdotal experience also, the husbands always seem to think everything is okay--or at least they have more to lose by rocking the boat so they'd rather not make any drastic changes. But that's...the problem?

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:23 (2 years ago) Permalink

^^^ feels v true to me, like the oldest story known to mankind kinda true

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:26 (2 years ago) Permalink

weird that with my 2 high school buddies it was the wife who performed the wilfully ignoring/evrything's okay role.

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:26 (2 years ago) Permalink

or at least they have more to lose by rocking the boat so they'd rather not make any drastic changes

this seems u&k to me, especially given CA's divorce laws

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:27 (2 years ago) Permalink

I don't know anything about divorce laws, that could be part of it. I meant that their lives are way more improved by being married than the women's are. The guys usually want to get remarried right away and get back to "normal," and the women can't imagine why they would ever get married again--or at least there's a very vocal strain of that.

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:30 (2 years ago) Permalink

but the rest just didn't keep up in life or in personal growth

what does this actually mean?

40oz of tears (Jordan), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:30 (2 years ago) Permalink

we don't know, that's why they divorce us ;_;

Lewis Apparition (Jon Lewis), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (2 years ago) Permalink

in CA a wife divorcing her husband gets 50% of his assets for the rest of his life

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (2 years ago) Permalink

that's what she's entitled to by law, anyway. she could end up getting more, of course.

Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (2 years ago) Permalink

A lot of different things, probably too many to talk about like that, my bad. But from what I hear, just not expecting to grow as people or get more interesting or more cultivated or work on their emotional issues any more because they had what they wanted and it wasn't worth the effort going further?

check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Friday, 27 July 2012 19:35 (2 years ago) Permalink


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