Great Real Names

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A friend of mine in high school with the name Dan had, at one point, claimed to have a long-distance (he was in Rockford, she was in Arlington Heights...long-distance in high school) relationship with a girl named "Velvet". The evidence of this affair was an out-of-focus photograph of a girl playing tennis, with the words, "To Dan" scrawled across the front.

My friend Gerald and I didn't believe him, since "Velvet" never showed up at any events she had been invited to, Dan always saying she couldn't make it at the last second.

One morning at school, Dan said that "Velvet" evidence could be found in his car, in the form of a series of photographs in his glove compartment, having just picked them up the day before at the Osco photo shop. He said he'd show them to us sometime. Somehow Gerald and I liberated his car keys from him and went into his car. We found the photos, which were so HORRIBLY underexposed that nothing could be seen except for silhouettes!

Gerald and I were fed up. We stormed into Dan's chemistry class, slammed down the keys, and I announced, "Dan, there IS NO VELVET!" We then stormed out.

"Velvet" apparently "broke up" with Dan a few days later. One night several years ago, in a drunken stupor, Dan confessed that "Velvet" didn't really exist. He also confessed that he didn't mind when girls santorumed his arse with their thumbs. He eventually married a lovely girl named Valerie.

― Riot Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 26 January 2005 23:41 (8 years ago) Permalink

where are you from?

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 27 January 2005 00:30 (8 years ago) Permalink

Ph3w W1n
Ph4t Ly
M1ssy P1gg0t
Kunth34r R1m (say the first name as two words.)

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Thursday, 27 January 2005 00:36 (8 years ago) Permalink

Illinois (originally)

― Riot Gear! (Gear!), Thursday, 27 January 2005 00:38 (8 years ago) Permalink

I like to imagine that Ph3w W1n's parents were horrible cynics who were making some ironic comment on teh ownership society, but I fear instead they were just 1st Gen Vietnamese immigrants who had no idea how strangely funny her name would sound when pronounced in english.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Thursday, 27 January 2005 00:40 (8 years ago) Permalink

There was a patient called C. Lowe the other day and I kept roffling.
-- roxymuzak (emilysu...), January 26th, 2005.

Chad Lowe?

― Hello [on a cellphone], greetings, it's me, an outlaw, latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 27 January 2005 02:04 (8 years ago) Permalink

I once kind of knew a guy named Cole Couture.

― Allyzay Highlights The Fallacy of Radiohead (allyzay), Thursday, 27 January 2005 02:26 (8 years ago) Permalink

my friend graduated college with a guy whose name was (cant imagine im spelling it correctly, ill just go phonetic...) sadoporn pornpromolickit. SAD-o-PORN PORN-PROM-o-LICK-IT. whatta name.

― peter smith (plsmith), Thursday, 27 January 2005 02:47 (8 years ago) Permalink

My brother and sister in law attended the wedding of the Turnipseeds last year. The dad is kind of a military bigwig. General Turnipseed. I kid you not.

― aimurchie, Thursday, 27 January 2005 03:28 (8 years ago) Permalink

When we lived in California, there was a bigshot preacher in the city called Rev. Royal Blue. Turned out he was part of a big family that also included Navy and Midnight. Dunno if there were others. I used to laugh every time I drove past the church sign. Hey, I'm easily amused: It keeps me young. :D

― Hey Jude, Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:14 (8 years ago) Permalink

i know a guy who knows a guy. his mother is asian, no one's specific what kind of asian. his father's a tried-and-true irishman. the kid's name?

Ryan McGOOKEY.

i kid you not. McGookey. they have all of these other nicknames for him, and i don't understand why. there is no need for further funnines, don't they see?!?!

― madge del gato, Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

None of these names are as funny as Kunth34r, because Kunth34r is the the single funniest name ever. Thankfully it is not pronounced like it is spelled or else Kunth34r's many coworkers wouldn't get a bit of work done when she was around.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:26 (8 years ago) Permalink

I have a friend with the already unfortunate last name of Kle1npeter. Her older brother is called James, nicknamed Jimmy. Ouch.
Also known a Brigh@m Y@ng, Taiwanese Mormon, and a Morgan Lefaye.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:27 (8 years ago) Permalink

There were two girls in my high school graduating class with the first name Velvet. You can check this with Jack Cole. Only one of them graduated, though; the other got married halfway thru senior year and dropped out.

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:36 (8 years ago) Permalink

4 months pass...

Just sent a fine reminder to an Anaxsanamun Rhino.

― Tefal, Tuesday, 31 May 2005 08:37 (7 years ago) Permalink

Rip Torn I love
also Dick Burn brings a hearty chuckle when i read it in programme credits.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 09:52 (7 years ago) Permalink

Aaah.. my neighbour's kid: @nakin @li. No points for guessing his sister's name. Kinda gross when you think about it.

I know an Apple, a Happy, a Milk, and a Tiger as well.

Oh and sisters $iti @fiuratul, $iti B@quiratul, and $iti $hawwana+ul all went to school with me.

― Roz (Roz), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 10:57 (7 years ago) Permalink

Anaxsanamun

Isn't that the name of the chick in The Mummy?

― Roz (Roz), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 11:00 (7 years ago) Permalink

1 month passes...

I just came across a (Thai, I'd presume) woman's name: Bang-on Phothijak.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 10:57 (7 years ago) Permalink

My mother has a friend whose 4 boys are called 'Tarn', 'Argon', 'Sun' and 'Chewocky'. Possibly the last one is actually 'Cherokee', but I sure as hell heard the former.

― Raston Warrior Robot (alix), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 11:11 (7 years ago) Permalink

I own a number of albums of a New Zealand musician, a pianist, called Wayne King

Everybody laughed as I sat down to play, then I realised I had left the door open...

― Menelaus Darcy (Menelaus Darcy), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 11:23 (7 years ago) Permalink

Menelaus Darcy

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 14:27 (7 years ago) Permalink

Of next week's students:

M3m0ry P1nchb3ck
J4m3s Jul1u5 Sh4k3sh4ft

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 14:40 (7 years ago) Permalink

6 months pass...

There's a girl sitting 10 feet from me called Fe1icity Windmill!

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 15:24 (7 years ago) Permalink

Fenella Fudge

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 17:08 (7 years ago) Permalink

PengPeng Miao. Really. Say it out loud a few times. Unbeatable.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:05 (7 years ago) Permalink

My friend, Tiffany Minx.

― Tripmaker (SDWitzm), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 22:33 (7 years ago) Permalink

There is a dude at work named B3nett L0ve. Also Trent Sk33l. Both sound like movie characters.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 22:39 (7 years ago) Permalink

Tiffany Minx is a pornstar, right? 'That' kind of friend.

― andy --, Wednesday, 8 February 2006 23:01 (7 years ago) Permalink

some I have run across in my travels:

Qing Chang (say it "Ching Chang") and I just immediately hear in my head "walla walla bing bang" everytime I hear it or see it written.
Lata Beer
Then there were the LA cops teamed up named "Ofcr Laws" and "Ofcr Justice"

not to be forgotten famous philanthropist, "Ima Hogg"
and a distant long dead relative named "Gay Hooker"

Went to school with Edward Whipple Jenks III and set of girl sisters with the last name Leer - 1st names: Crystal & Shanda (not funny unless they're written together

― Wiggy (Wiggy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 02:20 (7 years ago) Permalink

I work with a Professor Love. In fact, I'm going to India with him. While we're there, we'll be meeting a man called Malay Dave, who sounds like a character from Only Fools and Horses.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:36 (7 years ago) Permalink

haha!

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:38 (7 years ago) Permalink

I dealt with a customer recently named Tre4sure Camar0.

― elmo, patron saint of nausea (allocryptic), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:45 (7 years ago) Permalink

When I was at school, one of the teachers died and there was a memorial service for him. During the service, there was a point where the headmaster read out the names of all of the other pupils/former pupils/members of staff/governors etc etc etc who had died over last year or so. The list of names was printed in the booklet. The first name in the list was Amos Boner. If they hadn't printed the list in alphabetical order and hidden him further down the list, no-one would have noticed because they'd have stopped listening after three names, but starting off with that one just caused a wave of stifled giggling. RIP Amos.

― James Ward (jamesmichaelward), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:48 (7 years ago) Permalink

My friend wants to name his first born Tyrano Stevie Ray Hendrix Laird Buckley.

I hold out no hope that this will come to fruition, as his girlfriend does not seem amenable to such a name.

― Big Loud Mountain Ape (Big Loud Mountain Ape), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:48 (7 years ago) Permalink

Just walked past a church in Walthamstow which promises services from the Reverend Dalton Banjo.

― Tehrannosaurus HoBB (the pirate king), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:56 (7 years ago) Permalink

One of my Uni lecturers was a Dr Beet.
The fave name I've ever encountered was a certain Brigham Grimster

― Stone Monkey (Stone Monkey), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:05 (7 years ago) Permalink

Oren Krumm, RIP

― Steely Df'nM (OutDatWay), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:10 (7 years ago) Permalink

I can't believe Brazilian footballer Creedence Clearwater Couto hasn't turned up on this page yet. Maybe I missed this star of the Belgian league.

― snotty moore, Thursday, 9 February 2006 20:30 (7 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

is Kittiporn Methaprayoon courageous obstinate or simply ignorant to keep her name? (Who wants to be reminded of how crystal meth is plaguing our youth?)

― Aaron A, Friday, 24 February 2006 02:10 (7 years ago) Permalink

i sold something online to a person named "M1ngm1ng Fang" yesterday. it stuck in my mind because i thought it was such a cool name.

― -rainbow bum- (-rainbow bum-), Friday, 24 February 2006 08:07 (7 years ago) Permalink

In this little hick club there was a guy who played a weird instrument - but I can't recall what it was, a saw or some other type of non-instrument but I won't ever forget his name:

Ormley Gumfudget.

― Wiggy (Wiggy), Saturday, 25 February 2006 03:36 (7 years ago) Permalink

my aunt acted in a community musical with Chuck D1ck

― killy (baby lenin pin), Saturday, 25 February 2006 04:10 (7 years ago) Permalink

Brian Peter George St. Jean le Baptiste de la Salle Eno

― autovac (autovac), Saturday, 25 February 2006 04:19 (7 years ago) Permalink

Florence Fabricant

― youn, Saturday, 25 February 2006 04:27 (7 years ago) Permalink

Prominant figure in English Civil War: Praise-God Barebone. His son's full name? Nicholas If-Jesus-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon. I shit you not: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Praise-God_Barebone

― Okeigh, Saturday, 25 February 2006 04:47 (7 years ago) Permalink

You must believe me when I say I meant to type "prominEnt".

― Okeigh, Saturday, 25 February 2006 04:48 (7 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

email:ca920105@gmail.com I just like spam! I'm collocting junk email...

― JAPHspam, Monday, 13 March 2006 01:30 (7 years ago) Permalink

Me too!

I had forgotten about Chip Masterbone. Good old Chip Masterbone.

There's another thread here along similar lines, where I must have told about a friend of mine, Gr3tchen Silvertooth, whose brother is a dentist. His name alas, is also Chip.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 13 March 2006 03:54 (7 years ago) Permalink

On that other thread I mentioned my fellow high school person Tud0r B0l0ni. I just googled him, and he's mentioned (ungoogleproofed) on two other websites with threads similar to this one. I can't imagine self-googling and finding that out.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Monday, 13 March 2006 05:05 (7 years ago) Permalink

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