for her! not really but a lot better than it could be
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:52 (fourteen years ago) link
not a problem for me if i'm not making this clear. just thinkin baout things, wishing i could have more empathy sometimes
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:55 (fourteen years ago) link
did they try seeing a therapist together? i have found it to be very helpful, but sometimes things are too far gone.
― velko, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:04 (fourteen years ago) link
nah i don't think it can be repaired, i think it might be for the best in the long run tbh
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:13 (fourteen years ago) link
If they're not even living in the same area, unless they had definite plans to do so in the future, I don't see the point in being married/in a relationship.
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:15 (fourteen years ago) link
well some people see points in different things i guess
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:19 (fourteen years ago) link
yes they do, but at that point, if it were me, I'd be asking myself a bunch of questions.
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:20 (fourteen years ago) link
i don't think distance had that much to do with it but i'm not gonna spell out all the other reasons for the internet
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:27 (fourteen years ago) link
Two of my very old good friends finalized their divorce yesterday. They were kind of my substitute parents when I moved away from home after high school to start college, both about 6 or 7 years older than I am, but always seemed far more wise than their age would dictate. I was there for the birth of their first child, spent many many hours at their house, and even sublet it from them when they moved to Denver for a couple years. A few months ago, the wife left for another guy. It wasn't sinister or anything. She wasn't sneaking around. But their relationship was clearly over. The husband had been pretty upbeat about it and going with the flow of the divorce... UNTIL TODAY. Maybe it was too soon, but the (ex) wife announced her new engagement today on Facebook and he FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT calling everyone who was congratulating her "false friends" and "inappropriate bitches".
Yeah, I concede that getting engaged the day after your divorce is final is probably a little selfish or, at the least, insensitive, but it was going to happen sooner or later.
My dilemma is that, while I still want to remain friends with the (ex) husband, it's going to be hard if he's going to be one of those guys who lashes out at people who are still friends with her as well.
How do I deal with this, ILX?
― Johnny Fever, Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:15 (thirteen years ago) link
Tell him you still like him, but plan to remain friends with his ex, and that while you will do your best not to have the two spheres overlap they may, and if he freaks the fuck out on you then fuck him in the ear because you will not be disrespected.
― Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:17 (thirteen years ago) link
You can't be friends w/him if he puts you in the middle this way and you might as well tell him.
― Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:19 (thirteen years ago) link
That is pretty tactless though, announcing that via FB the day after a divorce is finalized.
― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:20 (thirteen years ago) link
Hope he'll eventually cool down, and if he doesn't you'll, sadly, probably have to take her or his side.
― my baby's got the bans (ksh), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:21 (thirteen years ago) link
Yes, it is. And dude has a right to say so but not to make his friends draw lines in the sand over it. Just because he's close to the issuse doesn't mean their other common friends have to be unforgiving about such a gaffe.
― Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:23 (thirteen years ago) link
Oh I agree with your advice and he reacted horribly, but, I'm sure it has to be difficult for him and I would hope that mutual friends might also be a little understanding of the tough mental space he's in. I'm sure he'll regret some of the things he said with time.
― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:26 (thirteen years ago) link
You can't be friends w/him if he puts you in the middle this way
Yeah, I've done all I can the past few months to stay OUT of the middle of this. I most definitely don't want to be dragged in now that they're officially not married anymore.
― Johnny Fever, Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:26 (thirteen years ago) link
If I were friendly with both of them I might congratulate her privately but I'd have a lot of trouble publicly oohing and ahhing and "liking this" on Facebook tbh. It would be insensitive.
― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:56 (thirteen years ago) link
Ugh, Ive been lashing out at a couple of my friends recently because theyve befriended my ex's new lady, really fast - without apology - and its hard because he hooked up with her 2 days after saying we should break up. Nothing like a divorce, and I'm now just keeping it to myself, but I can understand the reaction. Its been impossibly hard to keep the bitterness and anger to myself. I dont know how it must be for long term marriage bustups.
― Eyjafjallalalalalatrolololol (Trayce), Thursday, 13 May 2010 23:29 (thirteen years ago) link
facebook ay?
how not to move on...
― not_goodwin, Thursday, 13 May 2010 23:49 (thirteen years ago) link
what about people who probably SHOULD get a divorce, but don't? I know a few folks who fall into that camp.
― homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:15 (thirteen years ago) link
this brings up the whole, "Why get married in the first place?" question.
love.
― Daniel, Esq., Friday, 14 May 2010 00:17 (thirteen years ago) link
fear of eternal loneliness & having no one except for ilx posters to "talk" to for the rest of your life
― my baby's got the bans (ksh), Friday, 14 May 2010 00:24 (thirteen years ago) link
marriage is not a guarantee of being loved and having someone for eternity
― homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:40 (thirteen years ago) link
you're right, it's not a guarantee.
― Daniel, Esq., Friday, 14 May 2010 01:00 (thirteen years ago) link
Tax breaks.
I kid.
― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 14 May 2010 01:13 (thirteen years ago) link
I was engaged once. I'm pretty sure if we'd gone through it, we'd have been divorced in three months. I'm not in a rush.
It's totally for some people, though, and I'd never begrudge them the opportunity (even those who announce they're engaged the day following their divorce, no matter how shitty that is to the ex). I wish he would've been using to the separation to work out his issues and I wish she would've waited to announce TO THE WORLD (i.e. all the mutual friends, him, their children) that she's already engaged.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 14 May 2010 01:18 (thirteen years ago) link
I was engaged once as well, mainly due to immigration reasons (partner was canadian and gonna move to Aus). That ended, and I am also thankful, cos it really wasn't the right thing to do at all.
― Eyjafjallalalalalatrolololol (Trayce), Friday, 14 May 2010 01:23 (thirteen years ago) link
The Importance of Hating Your Ex
― mookieproof, Friday, 14 May 2010 02:21 (thirteen years ago) link
i can see where he's coming from, but yeah tbh fuck taking 'sides'
― May be half naked, but knows a good headline when he sees it (darraghmac), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:03 (thirteen years ago) link
People who boast about their engagement on FB are just sort of ridiculous anyway. It's like sending all your friends cards telling them you're engaged. WHich some people do. "Jamie and Maria are engaged" with some gold cursive script and a photo of the lovebirds inside. Or possible a little more "craftsy" if the couple has Pixies listening in their past. What is the point of this shit? If I'm really your friend, you're going to tell me about it anyway. If I'm not really your friend, why am I getting this card about your intention to bone one person exclusively for the rest of your life? Doing this on FB is even less personal, and I really wonder about the motivation behind it.
― The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:36 (thirteen years ago) link
when your parents start dropping the divorce word (when you yourself are in your thirties): still saddens you. but they won't (i hope). still, it's rather earth shattering. kinda fucking weird, cause you're an adult and you should be able to shrug it off, right?
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:39 (thirteen years ago) link
I don't think you could ever casually shrug off something like that...are they already separated?
― Matt #2, Friday, 14 May 2010 10:04 (thirteen years ago) link
Nath, I hope this comes across in an understanding way, but does this put your mother's attitudes and advice about your own marriage into a different light? That, for me, would be the weirdest part.
― 3-D Whinge-ometer (Masonic Boom), Friday, 14 May 2010 10:09 (thirteen years ago) link
my parent's looong disaster of a marriage certainly informed my approach to it (ie no fucking way, ever, thanks)
― May be half naked, but knows a good headline when he sees it (darraghmac), Friday, 14 May 2010 10:12 (thirteen years ago) link
What darraghmac said.
― not_goodwin, Friday, 14 May 2010 10:27 (thirteen years ago) link
Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?
― The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:56 (thirteen years ago) link
O RLY?
― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:57 (thirteen years ago) link
I really wonder about the motivation behind it.
PRESENTS
― Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Friday, 14 May 2010 16:58 (thirteen years ago) link
Oh yeah.
― The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 17:10 (thirteen years ago) link
my best friend's wife basically left him over the weekend. horrible timing as his father is dying right now as well and she's decided she wants to date someone else. they've been married for 12 years and have a 6 year old daughter and to him this basically came out of the blue; they had some issues having to do with communication, arranging finances, etc, but nothing that seemed to warrant this. very stressful on him (he responded by going home to the UK because it looked like his dad was going to snuff it immediately) but he'll come back. we're in california. he has no money and has been a stay at home parent for six years; she is the sole breadwinner. someone give us some advice here. I'm telling him it's very important he NOT leave the home; she's talking about them trading off week from week but I said no way, she is initiating this because she wants to sleep around, he didn't ask for it, so she needs to find other living arrangements for herself. I also am stressing to him that, though yeah, he's going to have to get a job, she's still going to be on the hook for support. they own a house.
any advice?
― akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 20:18 (eleven years ago) link
Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer. Borrow the money if he has to, but lawyer up sooner rather than later. It's very important that he realize that getting a lawyer is not a declaration of war or an act of aggression -- it's a way to make sure that someone who knows the law is looking out for his and his kid's interests while he goes to work on getting his head together.
― Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:03 (eleven years ago) link
he's got NO cash though. I mean nothing. He was wholly dependent on her financially (I'm not sure he even has credit in his name). Will lawyers see people like this? I have to imagine some will.
― akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:11 (eleven years ago) link
Some will, and I think especially in California.
― Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:12 (eleven years ago) link
My sister is in the same situation, akm and it's been very, very difficult to find a lawyer who isn't a total sleeze.
― fka snush (remy bean), Friday, 30 March 2012 21:24 (eleven years ago) link
I guess he and I both know some lawyers in our social circle, maybe even some in family law, so I'll see if he can talk with them. Will be somewhat awkward since our kids all went to preschool together but he needs to find someone trustworthy.
― akm, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:27 (eleven years ago) link
Yeah, the best way to find a good local lawyer is to ask another lawyer -- and the specialty doesn't matter when you're asking. A real estate lawyer or criminal defense attorney will know who the good divorce lawyers are. The phone book is no help.
― Three Word Username, Friday, 30 March 2012 21:43 (eleven years ago) link
very difficult to be seeing a friend thru this right now. i am not fully equipped for it.
― surm, Thursday, 3 May 2012 18:18 (eleven years ago) link
she confides in me every day. i am honored that she trusts me, but a little scared by it all. i am not the most put-together person i know.
― surm, Tuesday, 8 May 2012 12:56 (eleven years ago) link
trips me out that every single instance of divorce among my peers in my immediate social + professional circle has involved the woman leaving the man because they are, basically, tired of their husbands.
― Dunn O)))))))) (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 27 July 2012 18:40 (eleven years ago) link
i'll be sure to make clear to the judge that i am going for a state record. judges LOVE that shit!
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:47 (two years ago) link
i promise it will be very mundane for the judge. they also won't let you go fast because there are questions they have to ask to make sure no one is being coerced and stuff.
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:55 (two years ago) link
i did something very similar to this (in tx)... all it took was filing the appropriate forms, get my spouse to sign off on them (we were in agreement about divorcing as simply as possible), then i went and represented myself in court. the judge asked me a few questions... just double checking about our division of assets and that we sure about divorcing. it cost me little more than a morning off work to get it done.
― visiting, Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:20 (two years ago) link
that's good to hear! i am still going to try to beat your record, though
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:32 (two years ago) link
Crazy that I posted to this thread 8 years ago.
― Legalize Suburban Benches (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:35 (two years ago) link
i received a card in the mail, signed it in front of a notary, and that was it
― mookieproof, Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:47 (two years ago) link
I did my own divorce =|
It helps that I worked in a family law firm for a year before as a paralegal. Can’t say I recommend it though. It’s like digging the grave of your marriage by yourself.
I also fucked up some fine print that resulted in my divorce getting entered in February instead of the very last day in December which added an extra year of marriage for tax purposes.
― officer sonny bonds, lytton pd (mayor jingleberries), Wednesday, 29 September 2021 20:23 (two years ago) link
I would also advise to take a deep breath, count back from 10, and maybe you'll feel all right.
― pplains, Wednesday, 29 September 2021 20:45 (two years ago) link