Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Big thumbs. Hitchhiking. Lesbians on a ranch in South Dakota. Whooping cranes. Inexplicable horny Asian man. Standoff with the government. Beauty wins.

Two guys. One ain't right in the head. He's nice but too strong. He kills a lady. His best friend kills him. Fin.

Heroin and diet pills are all fun and games until someone loses an arm.

Lady picking up beefy hitch-hikers is actually animal-like being from outerspace, shipping back humans as meat for her alien race to eat.

(Moral: Never hitch-hike in Scotland if you're a well-muscled man!)

Whacked out Captain Ahab chases a white whale, observed by a closet homosexual called Ishmael.

He's a phoney.
She's a phoney too.
Play a song, stop showing off on the piano, phoney!
I wish I could catch the playing children.

Anyhoo, let's see... I'll start with an easy-peasy one, since I'm a panda:

These book things are no good!
What do you mean read them?
Hmm, these are actually pretty cool.
I'd better run off to someplace secret!

working-class woman takes charge of life. finds noble husband and opens shop. long, drawn-out, torturous descent into alcoholism, misery, gluttony, prostitution, insanity & death.

Money-obsessed snob rapes and tortures hookers with hamsters and acid, writes reviews of Whitney Houston before revealing mental instability and unreliability of book's narrative.

(franny & zooey)

Wartime love story set on Greek Island. Beautifully told as war rages in the background. Nicholas Cage with a cod Italian accent. No, fuck off.

I'm fat and think, no, I know I'm better than everyone else.

Guy wakes up, eats a cake, thinks about stuff, becomes a writer.

Incest destroys the South.

Black Chicago kid beats off to film image of white debutante, scores, coincidentally, limo job in debutante's home, accidentally kills her, gets hunted down. Then there's this trial.

virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue.
virtue. virture. virtue. virtue. virtue.

I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm wicked smart, I'm wicked wicked smart, I'm stupid again. And I have a mouse called Algernon.

Eh...

Sloth or entropy? Who can tell, really?

Otto - that is the most brilliant thing I've read today.

^_^

My retarded brother's castration may have had something to do with my bastard daughter, another brother's suicide, or another brother's general assholishness. Or maybe not.

Jurgis immigrates with family,
marries,
job
kids
kids die
wife cheats
Jurgis beats
prison
wife dies
son dies
runs away
returns
prison
turns socialist

Yuppies whine about how tough their lives are.

War is hell, but we can't shoot soldiers who go crazy anymore, so let them write poems instead.

Posh dandy tries matchmaking, wins enemies; beatings loom. Thank goodness for the fish-eating servant!

~The Hearing Trumpet, by Leonora Carrington

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

Disgruntled children misunderstanding their senile parents. Oh yeah, talking turds.

Asshole, Come to africa where i can purge cash and make factual mistakes before i drown at some point, i haven't worked this out properly.

Conspiracy theories are a load of bollocks. Or are they?

Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Upwardly mobile whore inspires man to get job. Wife leaves, dies; brother dies; kid leaves with whore. Man breaks leg.

"Are you the detective Paul Auster?" No, but I'll pretend I am. Actually I write detective novels, and now I'm pretending to be a detective! Later I get to meet the real Auster, who isn't a detective at all but the author of this post.

Little guys go to a lot of trouble to get rid of stolen jewelry.

If I hadn't killed that Arab I could be getting laid right now.

Drink mixture. Change into another evil side. Kill everyone and than yourself. Leave clues behind to freak everyone out.

Dad burys dead cat; it comes back scary. Dad burys dead son; he comes back scarier. Dad burys dead wife - really should have known better.

Upon discovery of a childhood notebook, a man's memory is jogged, Proust-style, causing him to relive a long-repressed, displaced and class-inflected Oedipal drama.

I posted a version of this last December, but it went missing.

Guy turns inexplicable into a woman. No one seems to notice for 400 years. In the end baby is born. Who's the mother?

Un terribile serial killer è imprendibile, perchè minaccia sempre i potenziali testimoni: se non ci dici niente agli inquirenti, ti regalo un bel giumbotto.

Ma la metropoli è piccola, e la gente MORMORA.

Ok. E' troppo difficile?

I'm going to get to the bottom of the mystery of ... what was I doing again?

I'm going on a long road trip so I can ... what was I doing again?

-- The Canterbury Tales

-- No Exit, Sartre

(I don't care if it's not a novel, it's one of my favorite works of literature)

was swamp, teen pregnancy the norm, juntas, pestolence, endless rain, names irrelevant in a latin kind of way, society dissolves into what returns to swamp.

(I only included this review because the other review wasnt 25 words)

human phallus, french poop sex, priests = asses, naked, utterly batshit, still french, syphillitic delerium, lots of talk about "god's cunt" still french. dead. still french.

soldier blown up, can't communicate, remembers code, asks to die. too bad its before movies were invented:
in the movie version they help him die.

Charming but unbalanced spy/diplomat goes off the rails. Dies, preferably in ironic manner.

frog seeks stardom in Los Angeles, seduces bilingual pig, befriends studebaker-driving bear, rainbow-centric songs, suck-free cameos, no muppets end up turning tricks on Sunset Boulevard.

Beloved by Morrison:
Slavery sucked. My sons ran away and I'm haunted by my baby's ghost. HOLY SHIT SHE'S BACK! Wait, where are we? Hey, she killed her daughter!

The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald:
Friend changes his life for a girl. She's married to a rich racist. I'm in the middle and I don't care. Money will kill you.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Twain:
Slavery sucks. I'm too racist to like this guy. I'm having an adventure to escape my evil dad. Oh crap I've been caught.

Native Son by Wright:
Racism still sucks. African-American kid in Chicago accidentally kills a white girl. That must mean all black people suck! Long speech in trial explains everything.

And now just for fun, two novellas by me. The first one is available at www.cyberheroez.inetgames.com and the second is in progress

Cyber Heroez:
Teenage nerd based on author goes into video game world, uses powers to fight giant glove. Almost dies, and his brother cries. Magically has idea.

The Centaur:
In the future, things are normal. Weird scientist mistakes fantasy for history and changes the world. Centaur finds him, tells him how much life sucks.

One scientist brother, one horny brother. Women they can't love wither and die. Finally men are extinct, cloned women inherit world. Is that an apology?

War, hate, disease, famine, poverty, anger, rioting, rape, crime, theft, terrorism, racism, sexism, homophobia, drug addiction, fear and I got laid last night. Thouroghruly worthwhile.

Don't bother reading this, just pinch yourself and chop onions till you cry.

Everything in this book is a total lie, but it's still true for the psychological reasons I say it is. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

We fell in love with them and now the two of us want to escape. I'm glad I found her. Society is evil.

Consider Phlebas

Intergalactic Mind-fuck in which main character does a fair bit of lots of things

Admiral sails ...
Victorean charlatan composes ...
70's reporter ...
Publisher ...
Future clone escapes ...
postapocalyptic civilization sucks like all
... tolitarian oppression
... is institutionalized
... exposes corporate malfeasance
... music
... pacific

Young, unattractive black girl wants to have blue eyes in order to look prettier. Prays to God every day. Gets nailed by her father instead.

THOSE WHO DARE...TRIP THEIR BALLS OFF. THOSE WHO DON'T, LIVE WITH ONLY THE ONE REALITY OF CONSCIENCE.

Gremlins(the movie)
RTFM.