pitchfork is dumb (#34985859340293849494 in a series.)

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Donald
Oh my God, what just happened at P-Fork
Mon Apr 1 07:08:25 2002
63.167.209.146

I'm not going to spew any elitist bullshit, but Alanis Morrissette, Kylie Minogue? Oh my fucking God. I'll stay for a little while to see if P-Fork still serves my needs, but with today's front page, I'm not counting on it. I understand the career move, but I just don't think it's going to serve me any more.

jess, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

stu Re: Oh my God, what just happened at P-Fork Mon Apr 1 07:41:08 2002 65.92.243.96

I wonder if it's going to serve anyone's needs. I don't think a web- only publication can attract readers interested in Alanis Morissette and Kylie Minogue. To my knowledge, no one actually hunts down information about such artists. People just hear about it on tv and that's it. Let's give Pitchfork a few months, until the corporate contributors pull the plug.

Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

I am very disappointed. Could they have made it any more obvious? COME ON, PEOPLE.

David Raposa, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

I don't think a web- only publication can attract readers interested in Alanis Morissette and Kylie Minogue.

QUOTE OF THE YEAR.

jess, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

What makes me think that things will be back to normal by tomorrow? ;)

Sean Carruthers, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

I don't know Sean... it would be April 2nd, which would make it one day after...

Andy K, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

You scalawags, you make me laff. Perhaps.

Ned Raggett, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

Speaking of which, HEY NED! My Bloody Valentine are finally releasing their new album!

Sean Carruthers, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

We thought about that as one of the news items.

Dare, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

"i for one will not be returning to this site if you're seriously going to be reviewing alanis. like i can't read that shit everywhere and anywhere? the reason i had pitchfork as my home page was because i could actually find out about the shit i care about. i'm glad you can pay your rent now, it's too bad that you sold out your millions of readers for britney fans in body glitter to do it."

Dare, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

pitchfork as your homepage, classic or dud?

the first thing i thought (after, well, this is no all cure all the time) was that i wished they really had "sold out" (what the fuck, is this 93?), because maybe it would mean LESS GODDAMN PROG.

jess, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

he's calling you out, leone. FITE!

Todd Burns, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

I think I'd rather read about Alanis and Kylie than most of the stuff they normally review.

Sean, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

Their funniest joke came months ago.

Nicole, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

I don't know what all you fools are talking about... I only WISH all of it were true.

Well, the Albini thing practically is...

mr. sparkle, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

We thought about that as one of the news items.

Makes sense, really.

Ned Raggett, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

I don't know what all you fools are talking about... I only WISH all of it were true.

Well, the Albini thing practically is... huh???

Brock K., Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

LESS GODDAMN PROG

So, does that mean we'll write about the next Radiohead album, or not?

dleone, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

And that Flaming Lips thing actually is true. I think.

powertonevolume, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

Hein? Is the joke that Pitchfork reviewed some pop musik?? Even their KYLIE review was as dull as www.defra.gov.uk/farm/sustain/default.htm ARRRGHHHHHHHHH!! Then again Pitchfork = dull is a big shocker along the lines of Nelson in COLUMN!!!!!! shocker.

Sarah, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

'On' column? 'HAS' column?! I can see him from my bladdy window but does that help my BRANE I think NICHT.

Sarah, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

Dom, how much of the Kylie review was farce? "The song exudes a catchiness that belies its inherent simplicity, so reassuring during an era when chart acts sound increasingly baroque and producers race to see who can ape electronic music trends first" sounds at least semi-serious.

Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

that is because kylie is, like sophie ellis bextor, going for a retro- mancuso/levan vibe, with all the classicism inherent in such an endeavour.

gareth, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

Actually, I did try to write about that record in the same way I would have for anything else at Pitchfork. I thought the gag would be better if people really thought we were changing styles, and Spin may be full of ads, but at least the reviews aren't jokes! As far as I know, anyway. Dullness wasn't intentional though.

dleone, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

best e-mail address ever, eh starbar?

dudley, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

Dead right sir. Power shandies all round to the geezer behind it eh?

Sarah, Wednesday, 3 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

From: DWilliams@EQRWORLD.com Subject: NO, Just Admit You Like It Up There

You have completed your learning of life's lessons. Now, you suck ass just like all the other bores before you. Kylie, Alanis? Whatever, bitch. I am sure you already have the defense mechanisms in place so, this will mean nothing but, another exercise in...oh, who cares. Looking elsewhere for reality...or maybe I can pretend to be a rubber worm like pitchwhore.com...here big fishie, look, I rounded 'em up for you in a arrel. A whole demographic!

Not Funny

Dare, Thursday, 4 April 2002 00:00 (12 years ago) Permalink

5 years pass...

Y'know sometimes they really are asking for it:

"White Williams issues a debut album layered with impeccable influences-- including Roxy Music, Beck, and T. Rex-- and a sense of calculated disaffection."

Well shit SIGN ME UP.

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 18:57 (6 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, that was a bit of a repellant blurb if I ever saw one.

Z S, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:01 (6 years ago) Permalink

Wait, are you saying that doesn't seem accurate?

nabisco, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:10 (6 years ago) Permalink

I read 'White' as 'While' and thought "The Saul Williams album sounds like that?"

Ned Raggett, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:11 (6 years ago) Permalink

it's more that they used that as their _hook_

x-post

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:20 (6 years ago) Permalink

The front blurbs are always stripped/condensed summary descriptions from the review inside -- in this case

His songs are thin and languorous, with impeccable influences and the sort of calculated disaffection that comes from an MFA in design and a good weed connection.

nabisco, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:46 (6 years ago) Permalink

omg that is horrorshow

The blurb >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the article quote

HI DERE, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:18 (6 years ago) Permalink

I assume that's an article quote; nabisco, if you just made that up then SHAME ON YOU.

HI DERE, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:22 (6 years ago) Permalink

why would a critic ever try to guess where a song comes from?

Mr. Que, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:23 (6 years ago) Permalink

I'm more bothered by beck as impeccable influence

dmr, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:24 (6 years ago) Permalink

Wait, are you saying that doesn't seem accurate?

The description of "a sense of calculated disaffection", a combination of words that makes me imagine the shittiest band of all time, followed by "recommended" was repellant for me. I guess I like my disaffection to be natural, not carefully planned, so I would never recommend something like that.

Then again, I've never heard it so what do I know and so on.

Z S, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:29 (6 years ago) Permalink

b-but someone at pfork said "hm, how can we get people to read this review? I know! we'll mention the artist's impeccable influences and calculated disaffection! that'll reel 'em in!"

RIP satire etc

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:34 (6 years ago) Permalink

they could have collaged+mis-used _anything_ from the article, and they collaged+mis-used that

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:35 (6 years ago) Permalink

The White Williams album reminds me much more of late 10cc and Bread than of Roxy Music. That bit was like the classic "Let's over-hip our influences" review.

I eat cannibals, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:54 (6 years ago) Permalink

The description of "a sense of calculated disaffection", a combination of words that makes me imagine the shittiest band of all time, followed by "recommended" was repellant for me.

See, this sounds like the blurb WORKED for you -- i.e., efficiently let you know you would probably not like this act.

I agree, though, it looks kind of weird to have such a neutral-to-disparaging summary blurb on a recommended album.

nabisco, Thursday, 1 November 2007 22:04 (6 years ago) Permalink

I like how they gave the new Babyshambles, which is actually tuneful and a good all around album, a 4.0, but gave the first one, which is dreadful and hard to listen to / bloated, a 7.3,

Yeah, it was definitely TWICE as good as the new one. Fuckin' morons.

Erock Zombie, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:30 (6 years ago) Permalink

ugh, "impeccable influences" is really repulsive.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:46 (6 years ago) Permalink

(xpost) was that a parody or are you really getting worked up about an internet score for babyshambles

dmr, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:47 (6 years ago) Permalink

He was worked up?

roxymuzak, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:49 (6 years ago) Permalink

wait, i thought the grading scale was logarithmic. like 5 is twice as good as 4. somebody email ryan schreiber to find out.

elan, Friday, 2 November 2007 19:14 (6 years ago) Permalink

shit, now i need to reevaluate all my purchases of the last five years.

elan, Friday, 2 November 2007 19:16 (6 years ago) Permalink

It's actually modelled after the Richter Scale, hence the superlative designations of various well-reviewed albums as either "Reccomended," "Best New Music," or "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On."

Alex in Baltimore, Friday, 2 November 2007 19:24 (6 years ago) Permalink

whiney is there really a band called perfect pussy?

Lamp, Wednesday, 29 January 2014 21:05 (2 months ago) Permalink

yep
they are ok too

Zen Dawson (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Wednesday, 29 January 2014 21:06 (2 months ago) Permalink

Spottie, here you are:

http://skotrok.blogspot.com/2014/01/i-listened-to-all-of-pitchforks-top-100.html

Evan, Wednesday, 29 January 2014 21:08 (2 months ago) Permalink

ty, sorry didn't know skot was THAT skot.

Spottie, Wednesday, 29 January 2014 21:11 (2 months ago) Permalink

Loved this bit from the Skot blog post:

I love that the Prurient dude is called “unfathomably prolific” in the Pitchfork blurb! Like you couldn't possibly fathom how prolific this guy is. Welcome to noiseland. Where prolific artists are very very fathomable. The norm, really. There are dudes that make Prurient look like a three-toed sloth. Noise people are like sci-fi writers. If they are awake they can probably make a tape/art/start a zine/start a label/play in 20 different side-projects. They are really BUSY for people who often move slowly and don't always have steady employment. If we could harness the inner nervous energy of America's noise musicians, I think we could reach Mars in a matter of days.

JRN, Wednesday, 29 January 2014 22:26 (2 months ago) Permalink

Haha that Skot thing is ridiculously quotable!

The album’s okay. File it next to the first Elastica album that you sold years ago.

anatol_merklich, Thursday, 30 January 2014 12:15 (2 months ago) Permalink

It's endlessly OTM, afaic.

Josh in Chicago, Thursday, 30 January 2014 13:04 (2 months ago) Permalink

4AD was one of the greatest independent record labels of the 1980's.

bilbo bobbins (how's life), Thursday, 30 January 2014 13:17 (2 months ago) Permalink

Also the repping for people as probably a nice guy.

bilbo bobbins (how's life), Thursday, 30 January 2014 13:18 (2 months ago) Permalink

We really do need a poll of best Skot lines in this thing.

This single should come with a car. In order to buy this single, you must drive it away from the showroom.

Wait, did he say that the demons want his dome? In any case, A$AP Scott approves.

This has been the best morning. Thank you, Skot!

Jimmywine Dyspeptic, Thursday, 30 January 2014 15:35 (2 months ago) Permalink

My 8-year-old son might like this one. He’s been listening to a lot of Deadmau5 and he’s eight so he’s very familiar with alternate spellings. This just makes me feel like Mount Rushmore.

Jimmywine Dyspeptic, Thursday, 30 January 2014 15:40 (2 months ago) Permalink

Man, this would really freak out my cats. This is future music!

Evan, Thursday, 30 January 2014 16:38 (2 months ago) Permalink

awesome work all around, loved reading

Spottie, Thursday, 30 January 2014 17:55 (2 months ago) Permalink

I enjoy selling Fleetwood Mac records to teenagers. I really do.

grandavis, Thursday, 30 January 2014 18:51 (2 months ago) Permalink

If this music excites you, you're already dead.

Evan, Thursday, 30 January 2014 19:03 (2 months ago) Permalink

87. The National - “Pink Rabbits” (4AD)
The link on Pitchfork is to a song by The National called “Sea Of Love” so I'll just listen to that.... We may never know what “Pink Rabbits” sounds like but if “Sea Of Love” is any indication, we will never know what “Pink Rabbits” sounds like.

a chance to cross is a chance to score (anonanon), Friday, 31 January 2014 02:02 (2 months ago) Permalink

Lol but pink rabbits is a great track.

tɹi.ʃɪp (Treeship), Friday, 31 January 2014 02:14 (2 months ago) Permalink

Haha xp so good

Spottie, Friday, 31 January 2014 03:20 (2 months ago) Permalink

And theoretically I like the IDEA of genre-smashing superheroes like M.I.A. And Santigold, but for some reason I hear their stuff and when it's done it's gone. Right out of my head. Like a bird. Like a bird that knows Diplo.

Bryan Fairy (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, 31 January 2014 03:24 (2 months ago) Permalink

glad you liked it, you guyz! hugz & kissez! your pal, SS

scott seward, Friday, 31 January 2014 18:02 (2 months ago) Permalink

post more often please

Murgatroid, Friday, 31 January 2014 18:06 (2 months ago) Permalink

You certainly helped articulate my feelings towards mbv in a way that I never quite could: I am definitely a fan of the old stuff. When the new album came out, I was happy for even bigger fans in the way that you are happy for a relative who gets a promotion or a friend who posts pictures on Facebook of them finishing some sort of charity road race. Good for you!

Inside Lewellyn Sinclair (cryptosicko), Friday, 31 January 2014 18:08 (2 months ago) Permalink

it was so nice to have kevin $hields back, i welcomed him

some dude, Friday, 31 January 2014 18:11 (2 months ago) Permalink

ahaha

i have the new brutal HOOS if you want it (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Friday, 31 January 2014 18:33 (2 months ago) Permalink

lol

balls, Friday, 31 January 2014 18:46 (2 months ago) Permalink

“I Love My Dad” finds Kozelek possibly outing himself as a recovering alcoholic (“I’ll have an O’Doul’s and my friend here will have a Guinness”) and a victim of child abuse, but it's otherwise quotably hilarious, detailing a relationship with his father where valuable life lessons are imparted through both Iron Mike-style beatdowns and Edgar Winter records.

If this wasn't glib enough, there's also a YouTube link to the Tyson/Spain fight underneath "Iron Mike-style beatdowns" in case you felt like investigating Kozelek's abuse metaphor further.

da croupier, Monday, 3 February 2014 23:33 (2 months ago) Permalink

skot otm

reggie (qualmsley), Tuesday, 4 February 2014 00:07 (2 months ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

a solo strikes down out [of] nowhere like a cartoon lightning bolt

but nothing here feels as unhinged as the borealis chaos of at the end of "Northern Lights"

reggie (qualmsley), Monday, 24 February 2014 12:15 (2 months ago) Permalink

you missed the craziest part of the review which was the microwaved banana metaphor

pearly-dewdrops' bops (monotony), Monday, 24 February 2014 12:19 (2 months ago) Permalink

i kind of liked that

reggie (qualmsley), Monday, 24 February 2014 12:24 (2 months ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

"this album is an epic of of modest proportions"

who needs editors?

reggie (qualmsley), Wednesday, 12 March 2014 10:35 (1 month ago) Permalink

Of Modest is the name of my dog

, Wednesday, 12 March 2014 10:38 (1 month ago) Permalink

see i can imagine what an "epic of of modest proportions" might be. sort of like chamber music.

Eyeball Kicks, Wednesday, 12 March 2014 10:43 (1 month ago) Permalink

can't wait for the next minor copyediting error to appear on the website so you can bump this thread again. it really is an endless giddy thrill

trying to emulate Kirk Cobain with a shrill, shouting voice (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 12 March 2014 11:10 (1 month ago) Permalink

oh wait "of of" is the complaint? wow.

Eyeball Kicks, Wednesday, 12 March 2014 11:20 (1 month ago) Permalink

RIP journalism

What is wrong with songs? Absolutely nothing. Songs are great. (DL), Wednesday, 12 March 2014 11:40 (1 month ago) Permalink

"this album is an epic of of montreal proportions"

, Wednesday, 12 March 2014 11:42 (1 month ago) Permalink

that wasn't the only minor copywriting error today, either, just the most adorable

reggie (qualmsley), Wednesday, 12 March 2014 12:03 (1 month ago) Permalink

"an epic of modest proportions"

less like the Siege of Troy than the Assault on Precinct 13

I got the glares, the mutterings, the snarls (President Keyes), Wednesday, 12 March 2014 13:37 (1 month ago) Permalink

this album is an epic of modest mouse proportions

socki (s1ocki), Wednesday, 12 March 2014 14:06 (1 month ago) Permalink

this daily spot-the-typo game is a nice warm-up to the ny times crossword puzzle. thanks pitchfork!

"and an example [of] what makes Elbow, at its least potent, so subtly unsubtle."

reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:14 (1 month ago) Permalink

That's a horribly written review from start to finish

What is wrong with songs? Absolutely nothing. Songs are great. (DL), Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:18 (1 month ago) Permalink

"an effortlessly leaden exhibition of glum triumphalism"

reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:37 (1 month ago) Permalink

Why are you up so early

, Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:38 (1 month ago) Permalink

got excellent news yesterday afternoon and was too wired to sleep

reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:43 (1 month ago) Permalink

Congratulations on being appointed as P4k's new copy editor :)

, Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:44 (1 month ago) Permalink

you missed the best one: "a discrete if uninentional reimagining of Blur’s 'Tender'"

Eyeball Kicks, Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:46 (1 month ago) Permalink

that's a beauty!

if i copy-edited for them 龜 there'd never ever ever be a single mistake ever, i'm sure

reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 13 March 2014 09:52 (1 month ago) Permalink

I have no idea how this Jas0n HeIIer guy gets work. He is consistently terrible.

Jimmywine Dyspeptic, Thursday, 13 March 2014 10:32 (1 month ago) Permalink

read other things by heller that seem okay. help your bros edit, pfork. you can do it

reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 13 March 2014 14:14 (1 month ago) Permalink


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