pitchfork is dumb (#34985859340293849494 in a series.)

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Donald
Oh my God, what just happened at P-Fork
Mon Apr 1 07:08:25 2002
63.167.209.146

I'm not going to spew any elitist bullshit, but Alanis Morrissette, Kylie Minogue? Oh my fucking God. I'll stay for a little while to see if P-Fork still serves my needs, but with today's front page, I'm not counting on it. I understand the career move, but I just don't think it's going to serve me any more.

jess, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

stu Re: Oh my God, what just happened at P-Fork Mon Apr 1 07:41:08 2002 65.92.243.96

I wonder if it's going to serve anyone's needs. I don't think a web- only publication can attract readers interested in Alanis Morissette and Kylie Minogue. To my knowledge, no one actually hunts down information about such artists. People just hear about it on tv and that's it. Let's give Pitchfork a few months, until the corporate contributors pull the plug.

Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

I am very disappointed. Could they have made it any more obvious? COME ON, PEOPLE.

David Raposa, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

I don't think a web- only publication can attract readers interested in Alanis Morissette and Kylie Minogue.

QUOTE OF THE YEAR.

jess, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

What makes me think that things will be back to normal by tomorrow? ;)

Sean Carruthers, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

I don't know Sean... it would be April 2nd, which would make it one day after...

Andy K, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

You scalawags, you make me laff. Perhaps.

Ned Raggett, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

Speaking of which, HEY NED! My Bloody Valentine are finally releasing their new album!

Sean Carruthers, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

We thought about that as one of the news items.

Dare, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

"i for one will not be returning to this site if you're seriously going to be reviewing alanis. like i can't read that shit everywhere and anywhere? the reason i had pitchfork as my home page was because i could actually find out about the shit i care about. i'm glad you can pay your rent now, it's too bad that you sold out your millions of readers for britney fans in body glitter to do it."

Dare, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

pitchfork as your homepage, classic or dud?

the first thing i thought (after, well, this is no all cure all the time) was that i wished they really had "sold out" (what the fuck, is this 93?), because maybe it would mean LESS GODDAMN PROG.

jess, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

he's calling you out, leone. FITE!

Todd Burns, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

I think I'd rather read about Alanis and Kylie than most of the stuff they normally review.

Sean, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

Their funniest joke came months ago.

Nicole, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

I don't know what all you fools are talking about... I only WISH all of it were true.

Well, the Albini thing practically is...

mr. sparkle, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

We thought about that as one of the news items.

Makes sense, really.

Ned Raggett, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

I don't know what all you fools are talking about... I only WISH all of it were true.

Well, the Albini thing practically is... huh???

Brock K., Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

LESS GODDAMN PROG

So, does that mean we'll write about the next Radiohead album, or not?

dleone, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

And that Flaming Lips thing actually is true. I think.

powertonevolume, Monday, 1 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

Hein? Is the joke that Pitchfork reviewed some pop musik?? Even their KYLIE review was as dull as www.defra.gov.uk/farm/sustain/default.htm ARRRGHHHHHHHHH!! Then again Pitchfork = dull is a big shocker along the lines of Nelson in COLUMN!!!!!! shocker.

Sarah, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

'On' column? 'HAS' column?! I can see him from my bladdy window but does that help my BRANE I think NICHT.

Sarah, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

Dom, how much of the Kylie review was farce? "The song exudes a catchiness that belies its inherent simplicity, so reassuring during an era when chart acts sound increasingly baroque and producers race to see who can ape electronic music trends first" sounds at least semi-serious.

Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

that is because kylie is, like sophie ellis bextor, going for a retro- mancuso/levan vibe, with all the classicism inherent in such an endeavour.

gareth, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

Actually, I did try to write about that record in the same way I would have for anything else at Pitchfork. I thought the gag would be better if people really thought we were changing styles, and Spin may be full of ads, but at least the reviews aren't jokes! As far as I know, anyway. Dullness wasn't intentional though.

dleone, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

best e-mail address ever, eh starbar?

dudley, Tuesday, 2 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

Dead right sir. Power shandies all round to the geezer behind it eh?

Sarah, Wednesday, 3 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

From: DWilliams@EQRWORLD.com Subject: NO, Just Admit You Like It Up There

You have completed your learning of life's lessons. Now, you suck ass just like all the other bores before you. Kylie, Alanis? Whatever, bitch. I am sure you already have the defense mechanisms in place so, this will mean nothing but, another exercise in...oh, who cares. Looking elsewhere for reality...or maybe I can pretend to be a rubber worm like pitchwhore.com...here big fishie, look, I rounded 'em up for you in a arrel. A whole demographic!

Not Funny

Dare, Thursday, 4 April 2002 00:00 (14 years ago) Permalink

5 years pass...

Y'know sometimes they really are asking for it:

"White Williams issues a debut album layered with impeccable influences-- including Roxy Music, Beck, and T. Rex-- and a sense of calculated disaffection."

Well shit SIGN ME UP.

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 18:57 (8 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, that was a bit of a repellant blurb if I ever saw one.

Z S, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:01 (8 years ago) Permalink

Wait, are you saying that doesn't seem accurate?

nabisco, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

I read 'White' as 'While' and thought "The Saul Williams album sounds like that?"

Ned Raggett, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:11 (8 years ago) Permalink

it's more that they used that as their _hook_

x-post

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:20 (8 years ago) Permalink

The front blurbs are always stripped/condensed summary descriptions from the review inside -- in this case

His songs are thin and languorous, with impeccable influences and the sort of calculated disaffection that comes from an MFA in design and a good weed connection.

nabisco, Thursday, 1 November 2007 19:46 (8 years ago) Permalink

omg that is horrorshow

The blurb >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the article quote

HI DERE, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:18 (8 years ago) Permalink

I assume that's an article quote; nabisco, if you just made that up then SHAME ON YOU.

HI DERE, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:22 (8 years ago) Permalink

why would a critic ever try to guess where a song comes from?

Mr. Que, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'm more bothered by beck as impeccable influence

dmr, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:24 (8 years ago) Permalink

Wait, are you saying that doesn't seem accurate?

The description of "a sense of calculated disaffection", a combination of words that makes me imagine the shittiest band of all time, followed by "recommended" was repellant for me. I guess I like my disaffection to be natural, not carefully planned, so I would never recommend something like that.

Then again, I've never heard it so what do I know and so on.

Z S, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:29 (8 years ago) Permalink

b-but someone at pfork said "hm, how can we get people to read this review? I know! we'll mention the artist's impeccable influences and calculated disaffection! that'll reel 'em in!"

RIP satire etc

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:34 (8 years ago) Permalink

they could have collaged+mis-used _anything_ from the article, and they collaged+mis-used that

lukas, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:35 (8 years ago) Permalink

The White Williams album reminds me much more of late 10cc and Bread than of Roxy Music. That bit was like the classic "Let's over-hip our influences" review.

I eat cannibals, Thursday, 1 November 2007 20:54 (8 years ago) Permalink

The description of "a sense of calculated disaffection", a combination of words that makes me imagine the shittiest band of all time, followed by "recommended" was repellant for me.

See, this sounds like the blurb WORKED for you -- i.e., efficiently let you know you would probably not like this act.

I agree, though, it looks kind of weird to have such a neutral-to-disparaging summary blurb on a recommended album.

nabisco, Thursday, 1 November 2007 22:04 (8 years ago) Permalink

I like how they gave the new Babyshambles, which is actually tuneful and a good all around album, a 4.0, but gave the first one, which is dreadful and hard to listen to / bloated, a 7.3,

Yeah, it was definitely TWICE as good as the new one. Fuckin' morons.

Erock Zombie, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:30 (8 years ago) Permalink

ugh, "impeccable influences" is really repulsive.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:46 (8 years ago) Permalink

(xpost) was that a parody or are you really getting worked up about an internet score for babyshambles

dmr, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:47 (8 years ago) Permalink

He was worked up?

roxymuzak, Friday, 2 November 2007 18:49 (8 years ago) Permalink

wait, i thought the grading scale was logarithmic. like 5 is twice as good as 4. somebody email ryan schreiber to find out.

elan, Friday, 2 November 2007 19:14 (8 years ago) Permalink

shit, now i need to reevaluate all my purchases of the last five years.

elan, Friday, 2 November 2007 19:16 (8 years ago) Permalink

It's actually modelled after the Richter Scale, hence the superlative designations of various well-reviewed albums as either "Reccomended," "Best New Music," or "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On."

Alex in Baltimore, Friday, 2 November 2007 19:24 (8 years ago) Permalink

If the NBA teaches us anything, China.

ulysses, Friday, 6 May 2016 20:18 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

Sad!

Οὖτις, Friday, 6 May 2016 20:23 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

In my neighborhood you had two choices: Sell drugs or write listicles

Blowout Coombes (President Keyes), Friday, 6 May 2016 21:17 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

Either you wrote for Vox or you had a wicked jump shot

Whiney G. Weingarten, Friday, 6 May 2016 21:47 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

I Had to Write Click Bait To Escape Poverty... And That's Okay

ulysses, Friday, 6 May 2016 21:58 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

All Of My Dreams Died ... And Here's Why

tylerw, Friday, 6 May 2016 22:03 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

You Have To Read Upper Mississippi Sh@kedown's Epic Takedown of His Career

rockpalast '82 (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Friday, 6 May 2016 23:57 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

Radiohead's A Moon Shaped Pool: The 5 Most Important Things To Know

niels, Monday, 9 May 2016 11:52 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)
We hear eerie glissandos (you know, like when there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a Lost episode)

Wimmels, Monday, 9 May 2016 11:54 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

also, This Mortal Coil didn't write "Another Day," rock geniuses

Wimmels, Monday, 9 May 2016 11:59 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

someone tell them to up the res on the photos on the front page. whole things blurry as hell

de l'asshole (flopson), Thursday, 12 May 2016 17:32 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

it's because they are in heaven

Al Moon Faced Poon (Moodles), Thursday, 12 May 2016 17:59 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Scrolling up and down, I am born again,” Thom Yorke sang on OK Computer’s “Airbag,” which was written about a car accident, but could also describe the experience of using a message board.

de l'asshole (flopson), Friday, 13 May 2016 14:21 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

lol

nazi pugs fuck off (Whiney G. Weingarten), Friday, 13 May 2016 14:28 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

all album reviews should compare the listening experience to that of using a message board
so is it written, so shall it be

ulysses, Friday, 13 May 2016 14:30 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

I had never even seen a message board before.

le Histoire du Edgy Miley (difficult listening hour), Friday, 13 May 2016 14:50 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

scrolling up and down, I am born again - best screen name ever?

schwantz, Friday, 13 May 2016 17:01 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

a supergroup whose lineup includes some of the Bush era's most forward-thinking punk musicians: Jordan Billie and Cody Votolato of the Blood Brothers, Justin Pearson and Gabe Serbian of the Locust and the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s Nick Zinner

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other Dept

Wimmels, Friday, 20 May 2016 14:19 (1 week ago) Permalink

Do you mean the faulty parallel construction?

geoffreyess, Friday, 20 May 2016 15:34 (1 week ago) Permalink

assume he just means "the YYYs aren't a punk band" which definitely seems like something worth posting here

reader, if you love him so much why don't you marry him? (DJ Mencap), Friday, 20 May 2016 15:57 (1 week ago) Permalink

saddest supergoup

scott seward, Friday, 20 May 2016 16:44 (1 week ago) Permalink

this is bad:
http://pitchfork.com/features/article/9894-the-dark-art-of-mastering-music/

purports to explain mastering but mostly resorts to a bunch of different bad metaphors and continually referring to it as mysterious and inexplicable

Immediate Follower (NA), Friday, 20 May 2016 19:03 (1 week ago) Permalink

"If rock stars are the sex gods of music, mastering engineers are its druids, the ones who work methodically and meticulously, and to whom people come for mystical wisdom and blessing."

there's good useful stuff mixed in there but mostly their conclusion is that the job of the mastering engineer is to make stuff sound good, which isn't a very good explanation

Immediate Follower (NA), Friday, 20 May 2016 19:05 (1 week ago) Permalink

there is an excellent interview with Scott Hull of Masterdisk in the new issue of Tape Op Magazine that i just got in the mail. very illuminating.

scott seward, Friday, 20 May 2016 19:21 (1 week ago) Permalink

also a long interview with Don Was that is good. don't think i knew that he was now the president of blue note records.

scott seward, Friday, 20 May 2016 19:22 (1 week ago) Permalink

i certainly didn't

da vinci beaver testicles (contenderizer), Friday, 20 May 2016 19:43 (1 week ago) Permalink

that mastering article was so disappointing

just sayin, Friday, 20 May 2016 21:29 (1 week ago) Permalink

no one knows what they do... so we wont try to explain

just sayin, Friday, 20 May 2016 21:29 (1 week ago) Permalink

this fits my lifestyle and my kicky new windswept summer look.

http://wwd.com/media-news/fashion-memopad/conde-nast-traveler-pitchfork-launch-musical-magazine-spotify-10434908/

scott seward, Wednesday, 25 May 2016 18:28 (6 days ago) Permalink

ow, that mastering article made me angry! One because, it reeks of non-musician-dumbsplains-music-stuff, and two because I actually have a hard time believing MC Schmidt doesn't know what mastering is!

Here's mastering: after a track has been recorded and mixed, you send the completed audio file to a mastering engineer. He makes (usually subtle) changes to it, including compression, EQ and overall volume/gain. The important difference between this process, and the mixing process, is that in mastering, you're working with a single audio file -- the whole song, that's already been recorded and mixed -- which is why the changes are usually subtle (but important).

Why would that have been so hard to explain in that article, like maybe somewhere in the first couple of paragraphs?

Dominique, Wednesday, 25 May 2016 18:49 (6 days ago) Permalink

Re: "Traveler"

Yep, nothing makes me feel like I'm barrelling down the open road of summer like the line "he came out a little late / maybe that's where frustration's born"

geoffreyess, Wednesday, 25 May 2016 18:55 (6 days ago) Permalink

hey dominique that's a really good and concise explanation!

niels, Thursday, 26 May 2016 09:13 (5 days ago) Permalink

L.F.W

da vinci beaver testicles (contenderizer), Thursday, 26 May 2016 13:40 (5 days ago) Permalink

this is still one of my favorite interviews on mastering: http://roberthenke.com/interviews/mastering.html

μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 26 May 2016 14:35 (5 days ago) Permalink

Here's mastering: after a track has been recorded and mixed, you send the completed audio file to a mastering engineer. He makes (usually subtle) changes to it, including compression, EQ and overall volume/gain. The important difference between this process, and the mixing process, is that in mastering, you're working with a single audio file -- the whole song, that's already been recorded and mixed -- which is why the changes are usually subtle (but important).

no offense, but let me translate that to a general audience because you lost me at "mastering":

the master is given a box containing an ocean of sound. they pour the water out onto the board with hundreds of unknowable knobs and waves begin to form over certain areas. the master makes a few adjustments, and then turns to talk to the biggest asshole musician of all time, plus his evil twin manager who does the talking. everyone pretends that everything is pretty good but could be a little better. after sending the noobs out for a restroom break, the master adds a little Oomph to the low end and a little twizzle to the high end (these correspond with sounds that bounce off of the ear lobe and the top part of the ear, respectively). the most important part of mastering is maintaining a straight face at the end of the process, after the high fives, when the master talks about what changes were made and why. this is difficult for both parties in the conversation but absolutely necessary for a good mastering job.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly, (Karl Malone), Thursday, 26 May 2016 15:47 (5 days ago) Permalink

lol

Οὖτις, Thursday, 26 May 2016 15:52 (5 days ago) Permalink

classic behind the scenes footage of the mastering process:

I look forward to hearing from you shortly, (Karl Malone), Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:00 (5 days ago) Permalink

So what you're saying is you would have been lost at the headline of any article about mastering.

Dominique, Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:03 (5 days ago) Permalink

actual photograph of famed mastering engineer steve hoffman

tylerw, Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:03 (5 days ago) Permalink

xpost

thanks niels!

Dominique, Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:03 (5 days ago) Permalink

lol dominique i was just kidding, and i agree with niels btw!

I look forward to hearing from you shortly, (Karl Malone), Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:06 (5 days ago) Permalink

haha ok. I so rarely do anything helpful for anyone, was too protective of my paragraph

Dominique, Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:10 (5 days ago) Permalink

in real life laugh out loud at "after the high fives"

tylerw, Thursday, 26 May 2016 16:11 (5 days ago) Permalink

KM that's some top notch Clickhole style writing

Evan, Thursday, 26 May 2016 17:17 (5 days ago) Permalink

I'm about to send an album out for mastering. Is there like a Yelp for finding someone good or is it all word of mouth?

Heez, Thursday, 26 May 2016 21:22 (5 days ago) Permalink

Gary is great.

schwantz, Thursday, 26 May 2016 21:28 (5 days ago) Permalink

do you have enough money for Howie Weinberg

Οὖτις, Thursday, 26 May 2016 21:30 (5 days ago) Permalink

If your music is loud/heavy, I recommend James Plotkin.

Don Van Gorp, midwest regional VP, marketing (誤訳侮辱), Thursday, 26 May 2016 22:03 (5 days ago) Permalink

kind of amazed james plotkin even has ears at this point. but yeah, he's great.

like $500 billion in stuffed fart sales and I have an idea (contenderizer), Friday, 27 May 2016 01:29 (4 days ago) Permalink

If your music is loud/heavy, I recommend James Plotkin.

― Don Van Gorp, midwest regional VP, marketing (誤訳侮辱), Thursday, May 26, 2016 6:03 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

kind of amazed james plotkin even has ears at this point. but yeah, he's great.

― like $500 billion in stuffed fart sales and I have an idea (contenderizer), Thursday, May 26, 2016 9:29 PM (45 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Thirded. Firsthand experience, that guy's great

Wimmels, Friday, 27 May 2016 02:17 (4 days ago) Permalink


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