Top 100 disturbing/distracting/definitely non-sexy examples of purportedly sexual pop lyrics

I'm not interested in cases where lyrics describing sex are intentionally disturbing, so gimme just examples where someone clearly attempted to write sexy lyrics yet failed.

1. Rebbie Jackson - Centipede

I love this tune, but I can't imagine why anyone thought a centipede would be the perfect metaphor for sex? As in, you know, the insect with a creepy amount of legs? Yet this tune tries to convince us that a centipede crawling through the window and touching us with its numerous icky limbs is somehow comparable to sexual pleasure:

Don't you know in the quiet of the night
Is when the snake is in the crawlin'
And the moon starts to glow then disappear
When the time is really right
Is when the centipede is crawlin'
You'll be crying in the night so many tears
And you're crawlin' like a centipede

Centipede

You came, oh
To strike him with your touch
Like you crawled into the bathroom window
To bite him with your love

Like a centipede that's hot
The fire is in your touch
Just like a centipede you've got
A lot of lovin' to touch

Seriously, get that bloody bug off of me!

Well, let's get the obvious out of the way:

2. "Your body is a wonderland"

this doesn't fail for the reasons Tuomas wants but "I'll let you put your hands on me in my skintight jeans" has always rubbed me the wrong way

3. If you'll be my strawberry bubblegum,
Then I'll be your blueberry lollipop

michael franks to thread

And my baby cooks her Eggplant,
'Bout nineteen different ways.
Sometimes I just have it raw with Mayonnaise.

You got the nicest North America
This sailor ever saw.
I'd like to feel your warm Brazil
And touch your Panama

But Your Tierra del Fuegos
Are nearly always froze.
We gotta see saw
Until we unthaw those
Popsicle toes.
Popsicle toes.
Popsicle toes are always froze.
Popsicle toes.
You're so brave to expose all those popsicle toes

I go downtown
To wrestle a live nude girl

As I wrote in another thread the other day, "drunk on your juices" from Live's "Turn My Head" is kinda squicky in isolation but Ed Kowalczyk's delivery of the line (and the fact that it's Ed Kowalczyk delivering the line) just sends it soaring into the stratosphere of barfdom.

"Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth"

Could you all maybe include the name of the artist and song with the lyrics, for context?

"Cannonball", Damien Rice

dr hook's 'a little bit more' has always squicked me out:

When your body's had enough of me
And I'm laying flat out on the floor
When you think I've loved you all I can
I'm gonna love you a little bit more

Perfect example, thank you.

"Running down a central reservation in last night's red dress
And I can still smell you on my fingers and taste you on my breath"

Beth Orton - Central Reservation

In the same vein as that Dr. Hooks tune, you have the chorus of Inner Circle's "Sweat":

Girl, I want to make you sweat, sweat till you can't sweat no more
And if you cry out, I'm gonna push it some more
Girl, I want to make you sweat, sweat till you can't sweat no more
And if you cry out, I'm gonna push it, push it, push it some more

It's never a good thing if the lyrics to your "sexy" song could easily be used to describe rape...

i guess the antithesis of that rapey vibe is silk's 'freak me', the chorus of which goes Let me lick you up and down till you say stop which just makes me think of silk as an annoying slobbery dog that needs to be shooed away

Haha!

jessica simpson "i wanna love you forever"

pour yourself all over me and i'll cherish every drop here on my knees

not disturbing but unintentionally funny/ridiculous/distracting for sure

as 'you don't want it, but I know you want it' songs go, Maroon 5's 'Animals' is a million times creepier than 'Blurred Lines':

Baby, I'm preying on you tonight
Hunt you down, eat you alive
Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals

Maybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your scent from miles
Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals

So what you trying to do to me
It's like we can't stop we're enemies
But we get along when I'm inside you
You're like a drug that's killing me
I cut you out entirely
But I get so high when I'm inside you

Yeah, you can start over, you can run free
You can find other fish in the sea
You can pretend it's meant to be
But you can't stay away from me
I can still hear you making that sound
Taking me down, rolling on the ground
You can pretend that it was me
But no

But No! It was The Manfreds!

Entirely intentional, in the case of Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch"

So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds
I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hashbrowns
Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"
So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5 you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files

B4-4 - Get Down

Submitted for your approval: Emerson Lake & Palmer's "Taste Of My Love." I cannot imagine a more perfect song for this thread.

"Taste Of My Love"

Oh, you look so hungry, woman
How come you strayed in here
With your eyes so bright
On this long hot night

Could it be for a taste of my love

Down on your knees
With your face to the wall
Saying please, please, please
My friend said I should call

Well, I do feel lonely, woman
And to tell the truth
I could use some company
So come closer to me

Help yourself to a taste of my love

Call up room service
Order peaches and cream
I like my dessert first
If you know what I mean

Yeah, taste it, taste it, taste it
Around the maze of pleasure
To the gates of pain
You're driving me insane

Take all you need from the taste of my love

I want to love you
Like nobody ever loved you
Get on my stallion
And we'll ride

I want to hold you
And enfold you beyond reason
I want to dynamite your mind
With love tonight

Go down gently
With your face to the east
The sun may be rising
But we haven't finished the beast

Ooh, you still look hungry, woman
I'm glad your came in here
With your eyes so bright
On this long hot night

Ooh, you need love, I need love
Here it comes, the taste of my love

I'm gonna love you
Like nobody ever loved you
Climb on my rocket
And we'll fly

Over the moon
Past the sun 'til we find
The gates of heaven
Open wide for lovers

I'm gonna love you
Like nobody ever loved you
Climb on my rocket
And we'll fly

"Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth"

― Mark G, Monday, March 16, 2015 11:59 AM

Somehow the first time I've made the connection between this Damien Rice line and Ed Sheeran singing "Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?"

yuk.

Written when he was twelve maybe? (xpost)

Yeah, I noticed that too.

The new Calvin Harris/Big Sean song, 'Open Wide', seriously

I'm taking off her blouse
While she taking off my trousers
[...]
Open that shit wide
Let me see how big your mouth is

Before she reach
I could smell her perfume
I could not wait to get her inna di room
Feel like a surgeon
Prepare di surgery
But I hope di likkle girl no charge me fi perjury
Action wit di injection
Worky, worky girl, according to plan

"Running down a central reservation in last night's red dress
And I can still smell you on my fingers and taste you on my breath"

if you wouldn't be pleased if Beth Orton txted you this the next day then I

Not disturbing & prob too obvious, but— Led Zeppelin “Whole Lotta Love.” Just goes to show, imo, double entendres for penis in song almost invariably fail to be sexy.

lol I remember as a young teen (still uncomfortable with the idea of sex), already happily listening to punk & psych rock, yet for some reason I had an aversion to Led Zeppelin. I remember telling my friend metaphorically it had “too much cock in it,” ha!

Show me what you got on my LCD
Let's get down to it
So you can get down on me
Cybering is so 1999
You've got to be textually active
If you wanna be mine

'Cause...

I wanna fuck you hard
I wanna feel you deep
I wanna rock your body
I wanna taste your sweet

I wanna fuck you hard
I wanna feel you deep
I wanna aah ahh
I wanna aah ahh

When I text it's sex! sex! sex!
You start to undress! Dress!
Poppin' out your chest,
In your friends' request.
Now I'm rocking on your top
And you know I just can't stop stop
Make you drop
Feel you up till I hit the spot
'Cause I can't take TAKE TAKE
ALL THIS WAIT! WAIT!
I'm so impatient
You got me wait'n
Cut this shit!
Show your tits!
Flip it out on my sidekick
Like quagmire on family guy
Giggity! Giggity! All the time

that's from the same song

now and forever I love Neil Diamond's "Forever in Blue Jeans":

and honey's sweet
but it ain't nothing next to baby's treat

we have a winner. xp

i find some of those "feel like makin love" 70s rock cliches kind of hot tbr.

"Afternoon Delight" with its fish metaphor

but you got some bait awaitin' and I think I might
try nibbling a little afternoon delight

i find some of those "feel like makin love" 70s rock cliches kind of hot tbr.

true, tacky and sexy not mutually exclusive

Nibbling the bait takes the cake.

Bob's Yer Uncle / Happy Mondays

look, up in the sky, it's Paul the sweet banana with possibly the most awful ever:

Well, well, take off your face
Recover from the trip you've been on
I want you to lie on the bed
Get you ready for my body gun

I'm gonna do it to you, gonna do ya sweet banana
You've never been done
Yes, like a rabbit, gonna grab it
Gonna do it 'til the night is done

Officially, it's "Polygon" but yeah.

(.. naah)

ken andrews (failure guy) typically has about one of these per album. there's an ON album that has some couplet about getting a girl drunk and tasting her "ocean funk"

"Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth"

― Mark G, Monday, 16 March 2015 11:59 (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Could you all maybe include the name of the artist and song with the lyrics, for context?

― Tuomas, Monday, 16 March 2015 12:23 (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes

no

Beyoncé - 'Blow':

Can you eat my skittles
It's the sweetest in the middle
Pink is the flavor
Solve the riddle

I'm a lean back
Don't worry it's nothing major
Make sure you clean that
It's the only way to get the
Flavor

This gem by Enrique Iglesias:

You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
But tonight I'm fucking you

haha well as far as that goes nothing beats Akon following up "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful" with "Damn, you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch."