Pitchfork review in not getting it SHOCKAH

i pay my rent on those tranny hookers, damn you

hi, i'm relatively new to the whole pitchfork sucks thing, so if someone could gimme like a quick breakdown as to why it gets so much flack, i'd really appreciate it! thanks!

BRING BACK BRENT D

STRONGO HULKINGTON RATES THE PITCHFORK SUPERHUNKS

Editor-in-Chief/Publisher

Ryan Schreiber - more shemp than curly joe

Associate Editor-in-Chief

Scott Plagenhoef - young warren beatty/late ned beatty

Senior News Editor

Amy Phillips - 80s mary lou retton

News Editor

Matthew Solarski - tommy chong circa that 70s show

Associate Editors

Jessica Suarez - free to be you and me-era marlo thomas

Catherine Lewis - that girl-era marlo thomas

Mark Richardson - martha quinn/colin quinn mash-up

Assistant Editor

Tyler Grisham - george wendt in mj's "black or white" video

Senior Contributor

Mark Richardson - didn't we already do this guy?

Lead Reporters

Paul Thompson - lead character in big johnson t-shirt line

Dave Maher - reese witherspoon circa election

Senior Photographer

Catherine Lewis - brandy and monica shoved through conan o'brien "if they mated" machine

Associate Publisher

Chris Kaskie - max weinberg

General Manager

Megan Davey - dave foley as man servant hecubus

Senior Account Manager

Nate Hileman - dave foley shilling for espn poker

Contributing Writers

Nitsuh Abebe - martin landau circa ed wood
Zach Baron - jelly roll morton on his death bed
Tom Breihan - manute bol just after blowing 91 playoffs
Stuart Berman - chuck close painting
D. Shawn Bosler - mayor mccheese after inauguration
William Bowers - tv's matlock
Sam Chennault - salacious crumb
Martin Clark - pete best
Liz Colville - kennedy after getting chewed out at mtv movie awards by ed wood-era martin landau
Jason Crock - lil jon in that infamous high school yearbook photo
Grayson Currin - sly stone on 2006 grammys
Chris Dahlen - mr. peanut
Drew Daniel - august "kid creole" darnell
Stephen M. Deusner -
Ryan Dombal - flashman from megaman 2
Tom Ewing - orson welles as harry lime
Tim Finney - george clooney
Jess Harvell - the mother in what's eating gilbert grape
Eric Harvey - dave mustaine
Marc Hogan - orko from he-man
Brian Howe - mel gibson mugshot
Joshua Klein - burgess meredith as the penguin
Matt LeMay - drunk brandon frasier
Dominique Leone - natasha leone
Marc Masters - amy winehouse pre-coke
Rob Mitchum - amy winehouse post-coke
Adam Moerder - turbo teen
Matthew Murphy - jeff koons painting where he's fucking his wife
J. Niimi - bun e. carlos
Nate Patrin - one of the soggies from 1985 cap'n crunch ad
Amanda Petrusich - justin timberlake in nipplegate photo
Mark Pytlik - dave thomas (pere ubu)
David Raposa - dave thomas (wendy's)
Julianne Shepherd - dave thomas (sctv)
Philip Sherburne - michael anthony from van halen
Dave Stelfox - david yow's penis
Brandon Stosuy - post-op genesis p-orridge
Joe Tangari - joe tangari
Stephen Troussé - the evil pieman from strawberry shortcake
Carl Wilson - dr. fad
Douglas Wolk - too $hort

News Team

Matt Amis - pele
Mairead Case - miles davis circa 1972
Kavitha Chekuru - the members of the bay city rollers in aggregate
Jonah Flicker - burl ives
James Gregory - frances bean cobain
David Nadelle - lala telletubby
Zach Vowell - professor griff

(with all due deference and respect to nitsuh, who first figured out how much fun it is to write nonsense after the pitchfork staff list)

manute bol otm

nitsuh otm. i could do that all over again.

Ryan Schreiber - male
Scott Plagenhoef - male
Amy Phillips - female
Catherine Lewis - female
Nick Sylvester - furry
Kristin Sage Rockermann - genderless ancient wiseperson
Mark Richardson - regulation-size football
Jonah Flicker - online picture-hosting service
Kati Llewellyn - female (sex change following "People's Court" stint)
Catherine Lewis - female (though "Lewis, Catherine" is male)
Nitsuh Abebe - turtle (unsexed)
Zach Baron - royalty
Tom Breihan - tall
William Bowers - woodsman, scholar
Cory D. Byrom - female
Martin Clark - fake
Jason Crock - fake
Chris Dahlen - Marissa Marchant
Drew Daniel - robot
Stephen M. Deusner - hermaphrodite
Brent DiCrescenzo - fake
Ryan Dombal - anthropomorphic tooth
Will Dukes - royalty
Sean Fennessey - single-malt
Jess Harvell - female
Marc Hogan - male
Brian Howe - shortstop
Michael Idov - entrepreneur
Rachel Khong - "makes no sense"
Matt LeMay - cannibal
Dominique Leone - hot French chick with big tits
Alex Linhardt - fake
Johnny Loftus - James Dean in hiding
Peter Macia - barn
Rob Mitchum - kind of like that evil brain-thing the Ninja Turtles fought
Adam Moerder - orc
Matthew Murphy - colorless, odorless liquid
Amanda Petrusich - "world's tallest woman" of internet fame
Mark Pytlik - Canadian
David Raposa - Connecticutian
Julianne Shepherd - superintelligent bangs with opposable thumbs
Philip Sherburne - eunuch
Dave Stelfox - fox
Brandon Stosuy - collaborative
Joe Tangari - bioluminescent sea creature
Sam Ubl - female, nee Maselli
Jonathan Zwickel - male, former editor of The Onion

-- nabisco (nabisco), Monday, January 9, 2006 1:46 PM (1 year ago)

can you believe that's not the first google response for "superintelligent bangs with opposable thumbs"?

Jess, I'm pretty sure the last list was on the same thread where we decided Richardson was the official hunk of Pitchfork.

i have never actually seen any of these people

Ghosts in the machine.

i'm in a pretty good mood today! i might be talking to tommy lee!

-- cancer prone fat guy (dubplatestyle), Monday, January 9, 2006

i never did u_u

alright, now that i've successfully wasted the last hour of work, i'm going to get drunk y'all. peace out.

[85] JOHN BASEDOW
Fitness atrocity

Gross man-boobs are usually confined to fat guys. But Basedow, the freakishly shaped workout guru familiar to late-night channel surfers through his “Fitness Made Simple” infomercials, is in a league of his own. It’s as if someone took Lou Ferigno’s pecks and stapled them to a Ken doll — a sight that never fails to send us groping for the remote in mid retch.