Otm but sOmetimes friendship becomes about a sort of remote/long distance support, or, I guess, virtual hanging out. My best friends live far off and I can very rarely them, but everyone's cool with that. Aside from my wife I've been shit at making new close friends since college.
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:22 (twelve years ago) link
it's really hard to find time to integrate new relationship/preterite social life, and i think somebody always feels slighted. when i was single, i sought to spend a lot of time with my friends b/c there wasn't a lot going on in my home life. i still love my old friends, but i've got less opportunity/desire to spend evenings w/ them because i am ... kind of easily peopled out? and there's somebody always at home? i do try to keep up with them, but as we grow older/physically distant there are fewer opportunities.
agree with RC above too, that there's a lot to be said for phone chat as an adequate friendship w. some people that aren't readily or easily accessible for actual hanging out
― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:27 (twelve years ago) link
there's a lot to be said for phone chat as an adequate friendship
I HATE talking on the phone. It's a problem and I'm afraid that it's causing friendships I have wiht people who live far away to disintegrate but I really hate it so much. I'm just not a phone talker. :/
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:31 (twelve years ago) link
My closest friend lives in LA but I haven't talked to her in like 6 months mostly because I hate the phone.
I don't love it either, and I sometimes avoid phone calls (from people I like! and haven't talked to in a long time!) because I'm just never in the mood. But other times, I'll make three phone calls in an evening b/c I get a little nostalgic and I need to herd my friend-sheep. I was probably a collie in a past life.
I'm the same way with Netflix DVDs, fwiw. I'll order three good movies that I really want to see and then set them in a stack for three weeks while I watch crappy Modern Family reruns, before binging on the discs, sending them enthusiastically back and waiting desperately for more which I will ignore for months.
― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:37 (twelve years ago) link
I sometimes avoid phone calls (from people I like! and haven't talked to in a long time!)
Me too!! I do this all the time. The last two times she's called me I've ignored the calls and I love this lady to death I just really hate talking on the phone. The worst part is that she's not even on Facebook so I can't pretend like I know what's going on with her. Dammit. I should really call. Thankfully when we do talk it's like we did so last week but still. I was supposed to call two long distance friends last weekend. Did I call either? No. No I did not. I'm horrible.
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:40 (twelve years ago) link
I hate the phone too! I actually haven't used it to talk to friends in... years... I Skype my parents but that's it.
― kinder, Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:46 (twelve years ago) link
ask my hs friends here how often I call somebody (hint: never)
― Vaseline MEN AMAZING JOURNEY (DJP), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:47 (twelve years ago) link
It's weird because I love talking in person but just not on the phone which is in sharp contrast to how I was in HS when I would call my friends I'd spent all day with just to say hi at night. lol. I wish she would get a damn FB page and we could keep in touch that way LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. :/ I'd skype with her but I doubt she has a webcam. I should find out but that would require me to call. Hmmmmmm.
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:51 (twelve years ago) link
Really this just means I need to take a trip to CA so we can just hang out IRL and talk, you know, face to face. Phones suck!
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:52 (twelve years ago) link
http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/990/PreviewComp/SuperStock_990-889.jpg
― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:55 (twelve years ago) link
yes come to CA and then you could come see meeeeeeeeeeee :D
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:57 (twelve years ago) link
I really should. I haven't been there since hmmmmm . . . 2000!! Shit. That's forever ago.
VG - where in CA are you?
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 17:58 (twelve years ago) link
Sacramento (ie 2hrs north of San Francisco)
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:12 (twelve years ago) link
At this point I only ever call my parents. Every once I a blue moon I call two peeps who love in Cali, but the nature of those friendships has evolved into a single massive annual call each.
Otherwise? Email. With phone calls I a) have to be in the right mood and b) I need to be alone/under-hassled (almost impossible) because I despise interruptions.
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:13 (twelve years ago) link
LIVE in Cali
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:14 (twelve years ago) link
livin, lovin
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:14 (twelve years ago) link
it's love in Cali, LIVE
― Vaseline MEN AMAZING JOURNEY (DJP), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:16 (twelve years ago) link
hard to live in Cali without lovin', iirc
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:17 (twelve years ago) link
CALIFORNIA LOOOOVE
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:18 (twelve years ago) link
I miss talking on the phone aimlessly for like an hour, I hardly ever do it any more at all, it's become a rare bird in my life
― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:18 (twelve years ago) link
I still like to talk to ppl on the phone, but I think that's just bc I have family/friend in Aus so phone is a necessary evil. I mean, I skype with whoever I can, and email, but phone still helps make far away ppl seem closer :)
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:20 (twelve years ago) link
Ha ha yeah
"hey stay up til like 1 am, I'm gonna need to call so we can talk about whether I should dump my bf""ok I'm so there"
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:21 (twelve years ago) link
People who hate talking on the phone to the point that they don't speak to friends - what is it about talking on the phone that you hate so much? (asking for a friend)
― carl agatha, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:21 (twelve years ago) link
I have a bunch of friends in sales who spend all day talking on the phone, and they Haaaaaate after hours phone anything.
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:23 (twelve years ago) link
For my part it's just impossible to arrange b/c we all have kids and busy lives - just trying to get stars to align. Don't hate the action but it's a struggle to make it happen.
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:24 (twelve years ago) link
I have a few college friends (~5) that I really love but live far away, so I make sure to talk to them on AIM/facebook at least once a week.
― Mordy, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:26 (twelve years ago) link
In person visits every other year
― Mordy, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:27 (twelve years ago) link
Damn I envy this
― Raymond Cummings, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:30 (twelve years ago) link
I don't even know that I can articulate why I don't like the phone. I'm often tired/unfriendly/peopled-out/wanting downtime in the evening, when I can actually get in contact with my friends across the country. I also like to be alone, and have an open window of time, and be at home, I'm rarely alone, free, and without plans.
― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:37 (twelve years ago) link
I'm often tired/unfriendly/peopled-out/wanting downtime in the evening
This.
Also I just much prefer talking to someone in person where I can see their expressions and stuff. Plus, the person I'm talking about in particular is a slow talker and being on the phone with her is sort of painful. I really should be better about it because I'm sure that some people think I'm an asshole or a bad friend. I'm going to make an effort of call at least one of the 3 I'm thinking of this coming weekend. That seems doable.
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:42 (twelve years ago) link
talking in person > talking online in text > talking online face to face > talking on the phone
― Mordy, Thursday, 8 March 2012 18:48 (twelve years ago) link
I also like to be alone, and have an open window of time, and be at home, I'm rarely alone, free, and without plans.
This sounds about right for me, too.
It feels wrong for me to say that I don't like talking on the phone, because I really don't, but I tend to dread calling people that I haven't seen in a long time and I think that's probably it. Priorities, really, and maybe I find long catch-up calls a little exhausting. Also we have shitty SHITTY cell phone reception in our house so there is one place I can sit and hope to keep a signal.
― carl agatha, Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:22 (twelve years ago) link
Everyone finds long catch-up calls exhausting -- even the people who instigate them!
― Laura Lucy Lynn (La Lechera), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:28 (twelve years ago) link
Yeah they're really exhausting. The longer it gets the longer the call will be and the less I want to make it!
― wolf kabob (ENBB), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:35 (twelve years ago) link
I feel the same way about out-of-touch friends who always say "I miss you!" but make no effort to see me where I am, ie visit me, call me, write to me, send me one lousy text, a picture, ANYTHING. I don't think you actually miss me all that much, or you would make some effort to talk with me! Friendship maintenance is not solely my job just because I don't have kids.
― Laura Lucy Lynn (La Lechera), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:42 (twelve years ago) link
― Laura Lucy Lynn (La Lechera), Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:28 PM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
I always THINK they're going to be exhausting but usually they end up being invigorating and I'm like why don't I call more often
NB I am a terrible correspondent who happens to be friends with same, and I guess at this point my closest friends are so familiar that even "it's been a couple years" check-ins are rarely earthshaking and mostly like ah good the world still spins on its axis
― catbus otm (gbx), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:46 (twelve years ago) link
Two of my best friends from high school still live in my home town, and I really only see them/catch up with them when I'm home, which is maybe once every 3 or 4 years. But we're all pretty much able to pick up where we left off, it hasn't really hurt our friendships as far as I've been able to tell. Neither of them are really online all that much, and have jobs that kinda preclude much phone talking. I don't mind it so much.
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:47 (twelve years ago) link
I am a very active and involved friend -- it's just tiring to be the one who always has to make all of the moves. I gave up trying hard maybe 5 years ago; now I give medium effort and the results are the same, so it could be my problem for throwing so much energy at the wall.
― Laura Lucy Lynn (La Lechera), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:49 (twelve years ago) link
"could be" = is
I did learn that moving countries placed most of the responsibility of staying in touch on me, since everyone else's life was pretty much unchanged, they sort of adapted pretty quickly to me not being around, and it was my job to say hey I'm over here missing you guys what's up, etc. I was never that kind of friend before that, so it was a big adjustment. But fuuuuuck it helped me so much with homesickness etc.
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:51 (twelve years ago) link
All my friends either post on ilx or twitter and that ambient awareness of them is how I keep in touch.
― Jeff, Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:52 (twelve years ago) link
i misread as "ambien awareness" O_o
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 8 March 2012 19:56 (twelve years ago) link
even "it's been a couple years" check-ins are rarely earthshaking and mostly like ah good the world still spins on its axis
Guilty lols. At Christmas, I saw my college best friend for the first time in over 10 years. Apart from the fact that she went back to school again for something else, lost a parent, got married, bought a house, and had a kid, nothing had changed at all.
― drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Thursday, 8 March 2012 20:00 (twelve years ago) link
I never feel the need that I must catch up with a specific friend if I haven't interacted with them in awhile. And most ppl I interact with pretty much know not to expect that from me.
― Jeff, Thursday, 8 March 2012 20:01 (twelve years ago) link
well that's just it, though, right? I take a get a lot of comfort from knowing that ____ will still be ____ when I see them next, regardless of what has transpired. It's a maybe selfish way of reaffirming that I am still basically the same dude I thought I was, yes, this person still recognizes me and I them
xp
― catbus otm (gbx), Thursday, 8 March 2012 20:04 (twelve years ago) link
Yeah, I can totally deal with that -- I'm ok with that, in fact -- it's the "I miss u" waaaah bs in between self-affirming visits or w/e that I just don't know how to answer. If you miss me, why don't you try to talk with (not to) me more?
― Laura Lucy Lynn (La Lechera), Thursday, 8 March 2012 20:12 (twelve years ago) link
i'm a phone-hater too, i find it...mentally tiring, and also a bit...alienating? frustrating? i feel the physical lack of the person i'm talking to and miss them more (but if it's a person i find tedious it makes them MORE tedious and space-filling). i don't find that with emails or internet communication at all.
which friends i hang out with irl is scarily dependent on which friends use my favoured social media - since i got on twitter my social circle has veered towards those of my friends who are also regular users.
people drop out of and come back into social circles all the time, i don't think that's a big deal - there are friends i value and care about who i haven't seen in years because life happened (relationship-related or not). however when i sense this happen -
And when someone in a relationship discards their friendships it sends out a certain message. The message is "I've found something that makes me happy now and that's all that matters". Kind of a self-absorbed attitude.
- and it does happen, and it's a different thing...i don't take kindly to that.
― lex pretend, Friday, 9 March 2012 00:16 (twelve years ago) link
I've probably lost long distance friends due to hating talking on the phone, but my close friends and I have hardly ever talked on the phone, except to make plans.
― JacobSanders, Friday, 9 March 2012 00:36 (twelve years ago) link
also have to say that the idea of the sealed-dyad relationship where you only want to see the other person and you want to see them ALL THE TIME is my idea of hell. i need my space and i need space for my friends and i need a lot of both. relationships would come a definite third.
― lex pretend, Friday, 9 March 2012 00:40 (twelve years ago) link