JOKES

Limp biscit.

Two geriatric old dolls out walking in the park when a flasher passess. What happened?

ONe had a stroke...... the other god bless her wasn't quick enough

Hans is a big burly German who is an apprentice chef working in a kitchen of big hotel. He's placed on washing up duty as part of his induction to all the compenent parts of managing a good kitchen.

He's busily scrubbing away when there's a commotion behind him. A customer has ordered some squid, and like lobster, this restaurant have a tank of live squid to be killed to order. This responsibility falls the fish preparer, Gervais. Unfortunately, Gervais had been considering a career change, so often did he find this task too upsetting. This one was no different. He looked at the lime coloured little creature, and started to anthropomorphise. He was sure he could see human features on the squid. He could even see what looked to him for all the world like a little moustache. He just couldn't do it, and so cleaver in mid air, decided to make a break for it, and quit on the spot.

The head chef, incandescent with rage remonstrated with all and sundry. His eyes fell upon Hans who had been paying little attention. 'Hans,' says the chef, 'you come here and replace Gervais.

Hans dutifully walks over, picks up the cleaver, grabs the squid's body and raises his arm in the air ready to administer the fatal chop. But he too notices something with the squid, and he just can't do it. He composes himself, but to no avail.

The moral of this tale?

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid.

QM: What a delightful halo, dearie!

Diana: It's not a halo, it's a fucking steering wheel.

As he's pouring, the bartender asks, "Did you know you have a steering wheel on the end of your dick?"

The leprechan sighs. "Yes. It's drivin' me nuts!"

Instantly this man leans out of his window and screams: "BITCH!" at her.

As this man rounds a corner he crashes into a pig right in his path.

a container of yougurt a can of soup one microwave dinner one cucumber a pint of ice cream an apple

the cashier glances up smiling at the woman and says "you must be single"

she replies coyly "how did you know?"

he says "cos your ugly"

Yehudi Menuin (sp?) is to perform with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra. He arrives at his hotel, with a violin case. The clerk glances at it and mutters, "No fiddle playing in here." Yehudi says, "But I have to practice." "No fiddle playing in here." "But I'm going to play with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra!" "I don't care. No fiddle playing in here." "But - but I'm Yehudi Menuin!" "I don't care if you're Bob Wills, there's no fiddle playing in here."

For those frowning in puzzlement, Bob Wills was the biggest star of western swing, very big in Texas, and a great fiddler.

St. Francis of a CC.

Mostly you just get lots of onions with big ears but occasionally you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

BOOBIES!

A Protestant girl puts her hand up and says "if a kid was playing up a tree and fell out and died, that would be a tragedy".

"No" said Tony, "it would be very sad, but that would be an accident, not a tragedy. Anyone else".

So a little Muslim boy puts up his hand and says "what if a busload of schoolchildren went over a cliff?"

"Good answer" said Tony, "but that wouldn't be a tragedy, just a great loss".

"Mr Blair" shouts a little Catholic boy, "what if you were in a helicopter over Ireland and it crashed, would that be a tragedy?".

Tony is flattered and says "yes, thank you, it would. But how did you know".

"Well", said the boy "it wouldn't be a great loss and it certainly wouldn't be a f***king accident".

He says "ouch".

Tanita: how does it smell?

Guy: it doesnt, it just sits there in the corner whimpering and sinking slowly but surely into an abyss of nasal depravity and canine angst

he came to be known as a Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

What are two Gay men named bob called ?
oral robots

-- anthony, Monday, April 8, 2002 8:00 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Link

This is one my boyfriend told me...

Boyfriend: How does Hitler tie his shoes?
Me: I don't know...he makes someone do it for him?
Boyfriend: No!! Into little Nazis!!

my god it's so stupid

Has anyone else looked through oldjewstellingjokes.com ?

This is such a great, non-frivolous, and well-assembled thing to use the internet for -- some of the longer story-type jokes are just terrific. (Cf "Drobkin" and "The Pope")

awesome

why did the coastguard fail to save the drowning hippie?

cos he was too far out

When's the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty

How do you change a lightbulb in Vietnam?

YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU WEREN'T THERE!

haha wtf

How do you make an octopus laugh?

something to do with tentacles

something to do with ten tickles

― doing my Objectives, handling some intense stuff (LocalGarda)

^Changed

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.

I see there are a lot of new faces here this week, and I have to say I'm very disappointed.

Di you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog?

I saw my doctor yesterday. He told me I was at death's door, but not to worry, because he'd pull me through.

^My dad's favorite joke after he reached age 80.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Oh never mind. There's no point.

Why do landlords hate cats?

They won't stop going "mao"

“Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.”

A man is on a train journey and he sees a beautiful woman in the dining car. He consults with the conductor and finds out that they're bunking in the same sleeping car. He runs back there and gets into bed to wait for her.

She arrives, turns the lights down and begins to undress. She takes off her dress and she's got a false leg, which she unsnaps and puts under the bed. Then she pulls off her wig, takes out false teeth, and finally pops out a glass eye before sliding under the covers. As she does so, she spots the man goggling in amazement/horror from the other side of the room, and snaps, "What do you want?"

He says, "You know what I want - take it off and throw it over here!"

What kind of jokes are you still allowed to tell during lockdown?

INSIDE JOKES!!!

Three beekeepers are chatting at a beekeeper convention.

The first one says "I've not been in the business long, got ten hives, about 100,000 bees, sold five thousand jars of honey last year."

The second beekeeper says "I'm pretty well established now, thirty hives, half a million bees, I average about thirty thousand jars a year."

The third guy says "You people seem over resourced. I've got five million bees, one hive."

The first two beekeepers look at the third incredulously. "How the hell do you keep five million bees in one hive?" asks one of them.

The third beekeeper shrugs and says "fuck 'em".

What kind of jokes are you still allowed to tell during lockdown?

INSIDE JOKES!!!

Best knock knock joke I've heard in a while

Who's there?
To
To who?
To *whom*

Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae."
"Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds."
"Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!"
"**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."
Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP."
"Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."

I came home tonight, and my wife said, "I made pizza, and I also cooked ahead".
I replied, "I don't want to eat a head!?"

(I'm vegan)

My wife and I were talking about vacations
She said she wants to go somewhere she’s never been before
I said how about the kitchen?
- dangerfield

If i had my way that wasp record joke wouldve stayed in its sleeve