Flatmates having friends staying in your flat

· If you, too, have a dilemma, send a brief email to marie✧✧✧.frost✧✧✧@obser✧✧✧.c✧.u✧

haha...point taken. still ilx is better than marie, marginally

More communication? If this has drifted into something nobody intended or wanted, it's time for a chat.

You may have been blindsided by not checking when the person's visit would be ending, which is U&K in registering your houseguest comfort zone. It would be a bit shit to come in with a unilateral rent demand at this stage but you ought to say something to your flatmate; perhaps they are not so happy with the situ as it seems.

(xpost) Have you asked your flatmate (or the friend) how long the friend will be staying? If she's not cleaning up after herself, and your flatmate isn't either, that's reasonable to be annoyed at. If there's nothing in your lease or agreement against having friends stay though, you might want to be able to do the same at some point.

Yeah you're right I guess, it seems to me as though they don't care/are happy with the situ (both of them tho maybe the the flatmate whose friend it isn't is unhappy, tho her and other flatmate are friends for years)

The person is looking for work and a place to live, which is fine but it seems to me it's just a situation of them living here until that's sorted.

x-post she is cleaning up after herself, as much as any of us do, I mean more having a mattress and someone's clothes all over the living room.

Ah, I thought she was staying in the flatmate's room, not all over the main common area. That would be annoying, especially if there's no definite end in sight. But really, you should talk about it, because you all have to live there and it's better not to seethe.

yeah I guess this is true.....I sort of feel talking might make it worse though.

Maybe just keep it very practical, asking what the plan is and how things are going. Are the utilities split between all of you in some way? If there's a noticeable jump in those, it might be fair to ask if you'll be contributing to the friend's share. Try to keep it business-like, if that's possible.

My flatmate is having her friend from France over (she french too) and he's staying for a month, but they offered to pay extra for him to cover his share of utilities and also for just living there. nice of them to offer instead of me having to bring it up, but then again whats a couple hundred dollars when they got euros, ugh...

Anyways, your flatmate&pal probably are expecting/waiting for you to say something. Wondering how long they can get away with it without having to pay... So may as well

Ach, Ronan, I've had this happen & it's pretty much the worst. I confronted them early and often (and tactfully), to be met w/"what's the big deal?" by freeloader & roomies alike. Hopefully they are not like this in response. After a bot over a month of it obviously going nowhere, I moved out.

So, um, yeah, do what Jaq says. But you have every right to be annoyed, I think. Don't kick your own ass for being irritated by this.

Also I've found referring to your pad as a "flophouse" just seems to encourage people to stay, not to go.

A fortnight could be reasonably classed as a holiday, but much more is actual residence, most of the thread is OTM, I think you're well within your rights to bring it up if it goes on much longer.

Essentially, flatmate is doing their friend a favour, so it's up to flatmate to pony up a bit more for utilities, not much, but a bit, just to show willing

Make it so they pay a bit towards the rent, say 40 a week? 20 to you and to the other person, and 0 to the person whos friend it is?

hmmm. I'm about to do this, have a friend stay here for quite a while. And then another, and then two more, and then perhaps more. I am subletting so there's no worrying about bill increases or anything, I've paid everything already, but as I get told about even someone coming over for a drink I worry I'm suffocating my housemate, who is perfect and imperfect in so many ways. Mostly, i'm just going to make sure that when we're here it's for sleeping and eating. Just to give her space.
That's what you want most, right, space? I can do space, you see.

You would be surprised how far just a little pay towards rent will go.

I hate people, so when this has happened I've usually made my negative opinion of the situation known very very quickly.

Also, I live alone now and probably will forever.

to be met w/"what's the big deal?"

OH MY GOD, HOW I HATE THIS.

I used to live with a dude who had ZERO respect for others' space, stuff, routines, at all, but was all APESHIT when anything didn't go HIS way.

Also, the "what's the big deal?" or "Stop being so negative" style attacks on you asserting your perfectly reasonable rights as a co-tenant is BULLSHIT. Fuck your passive aggressive bullshit, get the fuck out of my face, get your deadbeat friend to pay a portion of my rent, or get them the fuck out of my house. I contracted to live with X people, not X people + 1. ARGGGH!

i was feeling you til you said it was a chick

smash that shit

yes, depends on how cute she is

Yeah, if it were me I'd say to your flatmate everything you've just said here, including the fact that you like this guest. And try to think how much longer you'd be willing to put up with this as the status quo. And make that clear, too. It doesn't sound like it's so much about the money but about the extra person, stuff etc.

she is v beautiful but it doesn't matter, when I get home I want to hang out.

I want to try bring it up with my other flatmate too, first, easier to test the water with her.

That seems smart.

i've been here ronana. it's super annoying but really difficult to bring up. does she cook in your kitchen and act like it's her place and all that too? i fear there is no solution. it's something people should be aware of but often aren't. if you mention it to your flatmate they are guaranteed to be pissed off, and wholly unjustifiably. it's a bummer.

the best option is to invite a friend of yours to stay in your flat and have them also sleep in the living room

the best option is to invite a friend of yours to stay in your flat and have them also sleep in the living room

Not quite, but almost...if you're going to go on the offensive, bring the pain. Nuclear.

Invite a church youth group or some similar traveling group in need of accomodation who is in your area to stay at your place.
Don't check it out with the other roommates.
Move out the night they all arrive.

I want to try bring it up with my other flatmate too, first, easier to test the water with her.

You could do, although beware of being suspected of going behind the flatmate in question's back, or ganging up on him/her.

if they're staying for more than 5 nights they should be paying rent.

or cooking/cleaning/doing laundry/helping out/etc...

see if u can extort sexual favors from her

or drinks, sandwiches, and party favors...

ONE friend I'm not bothered with

when they bring their whole FAMILY for a week, THAT BOTHERS ME

especially when it's a family of LOUD SNORERS

I mentioned to my flatmate about being more considerate when his girlfriend comes round, I told him they practically take over the flat. I can’t even watch a film because of the giggling and talking, it’s like I’m not even there sometimes. It started every weekend, she’d come over and just plant herself in the front room and be there til Monday morning, now it’s nearly every night she’s there. Having worked all week in a job I hate, it’d be nice to have some space to myself and have a little peace and quiet at the weekend. Having had a chat with him, he seemed to take it in and said he’d give me a bit of space. The bit of space he seems to think is ok is one night a week he’ll stay at hers. I really like the guy and his girlfriend, but it seems to me that they are taking liberties. Am I being unreasonable?

Wow I've lived in a string of apts where people had friends from all around the world and they were usually cool. I'm probably the MOST guilty of having people over for long amts of time, to be honest -- THANKS, INTERNET -- but frequently I quite like the guests and enjoy hanging out. Depends on yr flatmates' taste in friends, I guess.

xpost

take up some bad habits that will mean he'll always be at hers.

aside from that, unreasonable? No!

not g - you need to develop a sudden, overpowering gas problem, methinks.

i had one of these last over 6 months and i'm glad i told them "pay thermo" the instant he was in there.

revive...

so my flatmate currently has someone staying, perfectly nice dude and so no problem. or it would be no prob except he, despite sitting on his ass all day, can't clean up after himself. so you come in from work to find a drainer stacked with stuff and dirty mugs etc everywhere. it just boggles my mind, how can someone stay in another person's flat and not clean their own mess when they have AN ENTIRE DAY to do it? how can a seemingly decent person do this? i sometimes feel like my parents or some shit but so many people who stay somewhere for free just treat it with such disdain.

i don't even mind if the place was a bit scruffy, but literally, endless items unwashed and plenty more stacked like a big tower on the drainer after cooking a big extravagant dinner.

that would be an issue with me. of course this is coming from someone who has cleaning people come to his house...also because my wife leaves a glass somewhere and it could sit there for weeks without her picking it up. I have played games in the past and on purpose have not picked up one of her drinking glasses to see how long it would sit there...one made it two months!

haha...

it's weird cos i used to be quite lax about how clean stuff was but these days i hate stuff being left lying around. nothing frustrates me more than a kitchen so dirty i can't clean the things i use after my own dinner, unless i decide to clean the entire thing.

we used to have this one couple stay with us every year who would complain about our cats and the cat hair...yet they would constantly leave their snotty used tissues everywhere.

Ronan thats called getting old.

i know! when you start despising and becoming overjoyed by insignificant household states of play the end is nigh!

and my wife also likes to leave her shoes where ever she chooses in the house. i have tripped over them in the middle of the living room floor. WTF is that. I come from a home where it was immaculate, my mother was obsessed with cleaning, still is. So i try to keep a clean house but rarely have time due to work, child etc...hence the cleaning people. My wife came from a home where housekeeping wasn't much of an issue...i mean it was never filthy but just not up to the standards i was used too. Just a lot of magazines and newspapers lying around everywhere...left over food particles in the sink...crumbs on the counter. Not acceptable to me.

i do leave my shoes around. we often think of getting cleaners in actually...the thing that stops me personally is just the principle, feel like it's a bit shit to pay someone to clean up my crap. but then maybe they'd be happy to have the work, i dunno. < /liberal guilt>

How long has he been staying/will he stay? If you're staying for more than a few days then you really should clean up after yourself, if you're only there for, say, a weekend, then it's more acceptable to be a bit messy (though still a bit rude, but it's more the host's responsibility). I think it boils down to the borderline between being a guest and being someone who shares the living space. Also, if they're cooking big extravagant dinners, are they sharing them with you, or just making them for themselves?

Yeah i sort of feel bad for paying people to clean my house, but one...its never that messy to begin with cuz im always keeping on top of it...but again, its never up to my standards cuz i haven't the time...and i can't rely on the wife to do it.

I think you should clean up after yourself no matter what if your a guest in someones home...or at least make the offer to do so if the host doesn't ask.

I am much cleaner as a houseguest than at my own place. Just tell the guy to wash up his stuff by 6 or 7 pm so everyone else can use the kitchen when they come home from their jobs. After all, it's your flat.

i can't stand dishes sitting in the sink, especially if they haven't been rinsed. PIGS.

it just boggles my mind, how can someone stay in another person's flat and not clean their own mess when they have AN ENTIRE DAY to do it?

i'm far from ocd about cleaning and am v. untidy, but this is frankly barbaric behaviour. what is WRONG with people? i mean you're right, my initial reaction is "were you raised in a barn? ffs"

if i'm staying in someone else's place i GET ocd about cleaning up after myself

i would absolutely go off on one at him btw

exactly...even if you are a slob in your own home it doesn't give you the right to be one in someone elses.

I would throw him out on the street. I have zero tolerance for things like that now. An adult has no excuse for being a guest in someone's home and not even making an effort to clean up after himself.

I'd talk to your housemate about him, rather than the guy himself.

My housemate has a dude who's been sleeping on our sofa about once a week since about last May. It was annoying for a bit but I've kind of stopped caring because I basically like him.

yep, or pile all the shit he left around onto where he is sleeping.

Just tell the guy to wash up his stuff by 6 or 7 pm so everyone else can use the kitchen when they come home from their jobs. After all, it's your flat.

otm. When you're asking someone else not to be a dick, it's far too easy to worry more about whether you are in fact coming across as one yourself. You really shouldn't.

you're all right, i'm so bad at directly complaining like this. i cleaned the kitchen in a mad hurry then left cos i had a date. good thing she was later than i was.

it's awkward cos her friend is a nice person but that doesn't tally at all with utter obliviousness about cleaning. i guess i start to just think people have no conception of someone paying to live in their home. our rent day was yday and i paid 550 pounds to live in this place for another month, and you just think fuck someone who leaves a mess around like that. anyone would clean up after themselves. i do wonder about people like this, i know it sounds all "in my day" but my parents would scalp me if i hadn't thanked someone for stuff and as people say here, i'd be way ott about cleaning stuff when staying in someone else's place.

meant my flatmate's lodging friend in second par above...nothing to do with date...

haha

meaning i genuinely laughed at yr last post not at the situation :\

flatmate has parents staying, both of them, since Friday and they'll be here until Sunday. Told me 4 days beforehand. I could handle it if they actually ever left the house but her dad sits watching TV (which flatmate doesn't pay any money towards, either the set or the sky) and her mum cooks stuff non stop so the kitchen is out of action too. why are people so fucking weird? anyone with even the tiniest sliver of self awareness wouldn't invite their parents to stay in a shared flat for over a week, and the parents flew from hong kong. what utter tightwads do you have to be to not get a hotel? her mum stayed for 2.5 weeks in august too.

can feel the walls closing in!

My flatmate had some Italian hippy guy who looked liked he'd just wandered out of the sea in her room for three days without telling anyone, he sloped into the kitchen one evening when she was out and scared the shit out of me.

3 days i could handle. it's people staying during the week that fucks me off in a big way, though if it's not someone's parents i wouldn't really mind majorly, and indeed one person obv easier to handle than two. plus like, most people spending a few days in london might actually leave the flat they're staying in both to see stuff and to be polite.

my bro has some girl staying at the flat, a different one to the girl he had up a few weeks ago, so don't know if he's become a player in his old age, she cleaned the kitchen and cooked curry and crumble. she can visit whenever she wants.

Curry crumble sounds interesting...

no no no

i am fairly sure friend's mum will cook a meal for us at some point, and she is a great cook. but it doesn't change the fact it's madly unreasonable to have parents staying for over a week when i was "asked" four days before their arrival on already booked long haul flights.

A week hanging around the flat is pretty hardcore. When I was sharing a house I'd always have 'out of the house' things planned for my family's random visitations, just out of respect for the other housemates who worked odd hours or were home during the day. And cripes, I'd maybe have my family stay 1 night, but a week? that's pretty ott.

yeah two nights or three at a weekend is totally fine imo cos i'd be out and about myself. but yeah a week, and as i say, her mum stayed two and a half weeks in august, meaning nearly a month of having a parent of hers staying.

that's amazing. and is your flatmate there with them the whole time, or..

no she's at work until about 7/8, i work early so i get in about 5 and her dad is camped in living room and mum cooking like crazy. just had linguine with garlic tonight cos the fucking cookathon was so intense i felt like i was intruding into my own kitchen. wouldn't mind but had a bad day and actually cooking is quite relaxing.

i dunno...i can't believe some people. i know anyone can do stupid or mean things but i hate this kind of lack of self awareness stuff.

God yeah, that would be so annoying to me too.

it sounds fucking awful. i'm looking for a new housemate right now for the first time and i dread shit like this so much.

So you haven't been invited to partake of the fruits of the cookathon yet?

i am sure me and other flatmate will be invited at some point. but as i say...it doesn't matter when you never had a say in people staying in the flat you pay rent to live in for 8 days. fact i'm broke doesn't help me to feel great about my home life being cramped either.

is this a bad time to ask how the two other situations upthread eventually panned out?

me and the missus' ex-flatmate had a guy who makes his living as a john cleese lookalike staying with us for a few weeks a while back. having a 50-year-old cleese doppelganger walking around the apartment with no shirt on was not as amusing in practice as it seemed to be in theory for friends of ours who heard about him but didnt have to deal with him or see him in such a scenario. my s/o eventually sent our then flatmate a text message saying something like 'you know i really like having [cleese lookalike] over, but when is he going?' it was a slightly passive-aggressive way of dealing with it, and there was some tension, but i was glad she did it, and that mr cleese pissed off not long afterwards.