Your favourite jokes about tennis (for Wimbledon!)

How would Pete Sampras commit suicide?
He'd shoot himself with a pistol ("Pistol Pete" was his nickname)!

which girl's always in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette!

What's German and Stichy?

Michael Stich!

What's the noisiest sport ?

Tennis, because it's always making a racket

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes, "Sean, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish (tennis)? but I don't even have a racket."

Martin Jol gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes, "Martin, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Martin furrows his brow and says "Tennish (tennis)? but I don't even have a racket."

Q. What do you call a tennis player who has the head of a hen and the body of a man?
A. A grotesque aberration against nature!

Q. What do you call a German tennis player who has the head of a hen and the body of a man?
A. Boris Pecker (Becker)!

What tennis player likes eggs?
Maria Sharap-ova (ova is Latin for egg)!

Who is the richest tennis player?
Pat Cash (money)

Which tennis player has wind?
Andre Agassi (a gassy)

Which tennis champion caused the deaths of 1,157 people in the North Atlantic in 1912?

Stefan Ed(Ice)berg. (This is not true. Stefan Ed(Ice)berg was born in 1966).

Q. What do you call a Spanish tennis player who gives his rackets away to a church for a charity competition but keeps a few back for sentimental value?
A. Raffle not-all (Rafael Nadal)!

Why is tennis so difficult for people with two hands?

Because you need a good fore(four)hand(s).

What do you call an Australian tennis player who always makes the same promise to people who ring him with their dentistry problems?
Told Would Bridge (Todd Woodbridge)!

Q. What do you call a tennis player who cuts the net to pieces in frustration at his game being delayed?
A. Lleyton Hewitt (late on hew it)!

Me: Did you know that professional tennis is controlled by witchcraft?
You: No. All of them?
Me: Yep.
You: Sampras?
Me: Yep.
You: Navratilova?
Me: Yep.
You: Henman?
Me: Seriously, all of them.
You: Not Goran?
Me: Goran Ivanisovich (even he's a witch) (Goran Ivanisovich is a tennis player)!

Sorry this one is very old, and sorry andy for stealing your joke.

which Williams sister is the calmer one?

Serener!

It often rains during Wimbledon fortnight! But which tennis player likes playing even when the courts are flooded?

Yannick Noah (he brings Noah's Ark).

What do you call a Spaniard who's mildly surprised at being informed that a department store Father Christmas who has been fired is also the England rugby captain?
A Raunchy Santa's Vickery? Oh (Aranxta Sanchez-Vicario is a tennis player)!

Why should you never date a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them (love is the tennis term for nil, or nothing).

q: what do you call a tennis player who drops his plastic raincoat into a dish of caviar when visiting a brothel?

a: "john" mac-in-roe (john mcenroe)!

Onimo's is good!

so are others

Which former Australian Open champion are you most likely to learn something from?

Brian Teacher (teacher).

What do you call a tennis player who does hairdressing on the side, and offers special rates for curling the hair of groups of people over three?

Mike'll Perm Fours (Mikael Pernfors)

Mike, that was priceless.

Which former tennis champion was a drug dealer?
Monica Sell-Es (Seles)

What did the posh tennis player say when instructing a local longshoreman to secure his private light oceangoing vessel?

- Tie May Yacht! (Tim Mayotte)

Q. Which former women's champion was a cross-dresser who played percussion instruments with his testicles?
A. Ivan Goolie-Gong! (Virginia Wade)

What tennis player's mother sold cookies?

Marcello Rios (Ma Sell Oreos (Oreo is a brand of cookie) (this should really be on a clay court joke thread))

Which Aussie champion was considered the cleanest by French tennis fans?

Rod Laver (laver; "rod" is not a French word).

Which Aussie champion resembled an insect half the length of your leg?

Toe-Knee Roche.

Ilie Nastase walks into his local bar and has nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.
Ilie Nastase replies, “I don't drink anymore... I’ve recently began to feel a crushing sense of shame over the fact that I’ve had casual, meaningless sex with approximately 2,500 women.”
"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. “Thousands of men would kill to have had a life like yours!”
"No, No", Ilie Nastase replies. "You don't understand. Approximately 2,500 Women is my dog!"