one hundred minor embarrassments

99) I ended up with the pants, which were ugly and cheap, and wore them to school. I lounged proudly against a sunny window for about an hour so I would be noticed for my awesome fashion, not realizing that my garb were so poorly constructed as to be totally translucent. I thought everybody was looking at me because I was cool, not because I was providing a clear silhouette of my fat thighs in tighty-whities.

98) Because both of the kids from my hometown with the name 'Michael Monaghan' had Downs Syndrome, and my sister's friend 'Michelle Monoghan' was autistic, I once counted the Monoghans in the phone book to figure out how many cognitively-disabled families there were in my hometown. One hundred and sixteen. I was about fourteen before I realized it was a coincidence.

97) Seventh grade. Hiding in the bathroom stall with a bloody nose, and out of toilet paper, I kept sniffling at regular intervals to prevent the blood from hitting the floor. Unbeknownst to me, there was somebody else in the next stall. He started a pervasive and virulent rumor that I was having a wank, and that he'd seen a few drops of blood hit the floor because I was tugging so hard.

96) I served a very bad, very severely burned soup at a pot luck as 'smoked' because it had bits of black charred crap on the bottom. Most people had more, but I think they were being polite.

95) I wore the pants from 100/99 a few more times because I didn't want to admit (to myself) that my parents had been right -- that they were stupid and weird.

(somebody else go now)

smoked soup!

It will take a while to transcribe every moment of my life from age 12 to age 19.

I don't believe you ever had fat thighs.

94) Repeatedly asked teacher and classroom of roughly 75 students what a boner was in 8th grade.

what laurel said also
ok sorry

93) I asked my elderly barber to give me a 'shawn kemp' (was an nba star at the time who had this pompadourish-fade thing) and had to to describe it to him of course (alarm bells in my head go unheeded); i end up looking more like angelo more except without the dreads, kind of a fuzzy yarmulke at the front of my head. my dad is outraged, i defend it to the death, naturally. i wear it over the weekend until a couple friends admit it looks stupid and i shave it all off so i'm bald (another fight with dad)

Are we talking just teenage embarrasments? I think everyone has more than a hundred. I've succeeded in obliterating most of them from my memory though.

92. 7 years old, climbed all the way up onto the high-dive, got scared and climbed back down the ladder, to the laughter of a long line of teenagers waiting to go up.

It will take a while to transcribe every moment of my life from age 12 to age 19.

-- Dan I., Thursday, October 25, 2007 7:12 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

otm, sadly:-(

91. Freshman homecoming dance, brushed boner against date while slow dancing to REM "Losing My Religion".

90)Played in a high school band, pressed CDs.

89. Third grade: I am riding my bike on the sidewalk down the street from my house, and a girl who I have a major crush on walks by. A bit surprised to see her, I turn and wave only to crash into a tree.

88. One time during class I accidentally call this same girl "mommy"

omg

87. 7th grade science class sneezed a gigantic snotwad into my hand, asked to be excused to the bathroom, everyone laughed. WTF 7th graders, that's not funny.

This would be an excellent highlight reel.

i love that tremendoid had a fuzzy yarmulke!

86. waiting on a table of middle-aged women, suddenly my nose starts gushing blood all over my starched white shirt. I looked like Carrie.

85) Somehow got pooped on in kindergarten during class. Somehow teacher didn't make me change pants for the rest of the day.

7th grade science class sneezed a gigantic snotwad into my hand

all at once?

84. as I'm getting ready to go to Lubbock for a state UIL event (current events or newspaper writing or something), I get called in front of the entire school administration who start yelling at me for not informing anyone that I was failing trig with a 12 and completely screwing the entire school because I was ineligible, etc. etc. etc.

83. "No, officer, I only had one beer, I swear..."

82. First night of driver's ed, a ridiculously loud fart.

81. when i got my first period (age 10) and my mom marched me into a restroom and exclaimed to a long line of women waiting: "my daughter just got her period! can she go ahead of you??"

^actually a major embarrassment

nosebleeds stories are always good embarrassment classics:

80. the "cool kids" at my, very small, grade school invite me to go see Police Academy in the theater with them. Either out of pity or because they wanted to give me a chance, who knows. As soon as we sit down my nose explodes in a torrent of snotty blood. Cool kid Ross lets me use the sleeve of his red ski jacket (we had nothing else) to block the flow while one of the other kids went to get me some napkins.
I was never invited out again.

82. First night of driver's ed, a ridiculously loud fart.

This is perhaps the most common minor embarassment, and it never gets old. Bonus points for pretending that you didn't do it for a few minutes afterward, and then suddenly breaking down into tearful laughter.

79. December 2000, go into work one morning to find out I don't have a section. Have to sit through staff meeting etc. trying to find out what's up, get taken aside afterward by the back of the house manager of the day (the only one I liked, which is where it gets embarassing) and informed that a ticket audit had turned up a number of strange voids that no manager remembers making, etc. and that I'm being taken off the schedule until I can meet with the GM.

I run like hell and never look back.

78. Wore bike shorts to school one time in 11th grade, as was the fashion of the day. With nothing on underneath, which was not.

I still hear about this one every so often.

Someone from Seventeen/CosmoGirl is totally going to pilfer this thread

77. last conversation (as an eight-year old) with grandfather before he goes in for heart surgery (and doesn't make it) involves talking about where I'd eaten lunch or something

so, yeah, I'm pretty sure the last thing I said to my dead grandpa was that we'd eaten burgers at 'Fuck-rudders'

76. 8th grade, a card is passed around class for our english teacher who is getting let go at the end of the year, i write some florid note abt how i find it ironic that the most talented teacher is the least appreciated etc. later i find out the card was actually for a girl who was getting surgery.

hahahaha

75. every day embarrassment - I have a peace sign tattoo that's surrounded by flames or something. Pretty sure it was meant to be a tramp stamp.

74) Received boxer shorts for Christmas, thought they were normal shorts, and wore them to school with briefs on underneath.

taht cannot be

73. as senior class VP i had to meet with the homecoming committee (i.e. no one i hung out with) at someone's gigantic suburban tract home. i had to give a short speech to everyone, during which i got pantsed.

lol xxpost

omar: all at once, yes. Like, two handfuls. If I saw it happen today I would be impressed with that snot-spurting kid.

72. someone later approached me and said "you want me to kick his ass for you?"

did you say "yes"

71. kicked out of prom w/ my entire table for sneaking downstairs for a cigarette break, have to do walk of shame in front of entire crowd of teachers, students, parents.

70. age 5 or so, i was having dinner with my parents and waited for a break in the conversation to use a phrase i'd learned from the chronicles of narnia and had been saving up for days: "that's all rot!!!"

my father looked at me in surprise. "why did you say that?"

"um i don't know"

"do you even know what that means?"

"no"

69. I has a semi-unibrow. Once I discovered vanity in 6th grade, I decided to shave the hairs in between my eyebrows, not really realizing the mechanics of shaving. I wanted to do it secretly in the hopes that no one would notice what I had done, so one night I dry shaved the spot using my moms old, heavily-used leg razor. The resultant flaming pimple outbreak between my eyebrows = no surreptitious transformation for me.

My mom's hysterical laughter when I described what I had done didn't help either.

Next thing I know, the ENTIRE SCHOOL dropped its pants in embarrassment.?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS9VsnnzZfE&feature=related

what the fuck is going on

Woah! HI DERE, you have some excellent tumbling skills! I hope ur back is feeling okay

I'll have to finish reading all this later, Im more than halfway and I've cracked up a few times

-107. I am playing scategories and the letter is 't' for things in a medicine cabinet. When reading off the answer I said "thongs" and they all laughed at me. (I meant to write down tongs) I also said testicles instead of tentacles during some other game. I only embarrassed myself around family both times.
-108. I accidentally told some family members I had to go to the gynecologist instead of a dermatologist.
-109. I had to do a book report on Waiting for Godot in front of my class. I pronounce Estragon's name as Estrogen. The class laughs.
-110. It's first grade and I'm waiting for the class to go back inside from outside our school. We all took turns planting something for Earth Day. I have to go to the bathroom, but I didn't tell my teacher because she didn't want to be bothered by the kids who already did their Earth Day thing. I can't hold it in any longer so I squat down and pee my pants, while placing my arms in front of my crotch so no one would see. Unfortunately, the huge puddle on the concrete made it obvious. The teacher gets angry and is like "why didnt you tell me you had to go to the bathroom?" - now practically half the class knows. When we get back in the classroom, I'm probably the first to get in and sit down, to hide my wet pants, some people come in laughing and saying Lorax wet his pants! My "girlfriend" who sits at the desk next to me asked me if I wet my pants and I said no.
-111. Same grade I got sick and barfed underneath the desk on my foot. I didnt know what to do so I don't raise my hand til 10 minutes later. "I barfed on my foot". The teacher sends a kid to take me to the clinic
-112. college. I get drunk almost immediately on rum and coke. When I get back to my dorm room, I pass climb up on my loft and try to relax underneath the covers. I get too dizzy and hot, so I take off my clothes. Eventually I feel too dizzy or sick so I climb down and end up lying face down naked on the carpet. The door was locked but I hear my roomie unlocking the door. I have enough time to pull a trash bag over my ass and yell/slur "don't come in". The roommate and hallmates come in and see me there on the floor. I don't even look up at them. I say "go away I'm drunk". One guy removes the trash bag from on top my ass and takes a photograph. Everyone he knew saw the photograph.

-113. I remember being super embarrassed about a story I wrote and had to read in front of the class in first grade. Everyone was given some sort of penguin made out of construction paper and his arms open up to reveal a place on his tummy where you can write a 3-5 sentence story. I didn't know we were going to read it in front of class so I had a potty humor story. I don't remember what it was but when I had to read it in front of class, there was no backing down, and I ended up reading some story about a penguin looking for a place to pee.. and maybe he pees on another penguin. Who knows - whatever it was, it was the wildest thing I could think of at the time.

-114. In 6th grade, we start 'religion' class in catholic school. For our first assignment, we had to create some visual display that demonstrates our relationship with jesus. This one bookwormy girl goes up and her item is a nutcracker. She says lots of things that are hilarious when you're thinking about sex. when she compares the joy she gets from jesus to the joy she gets from holding nuts, i look at a friend and we both crack up, and the teacher decides to go after me instead of my friend. he asks my name and has me come up to the front of the class. 'what were you laughing at?' 'i'm sorry, i was--' 'we know what you were laughing at.' And then, with everyone staring at me, he starts to give a class lecture about the point of this class and about respect, wwjd, etc. The bell rings, and i go home and cry.

Haha what the hell was that girl THINKING comparing jesus to a fucking NUTCRACKER!?

she was into fantasy stuff, it's ok.

oh, and i'm going to add one for my friend

-115. Random best friend really sucks at sports. She was on the basketball team because everyone was on the basketball team. Instead of running, she sorta flops with t-rex hands. she only scored one basket during her entire career, and it was after she caught a rebound...she snatched the ball and did her usual awkward lob except this time it went in. She shouted yes and did the whole fist pump thing, but then she looked over and saw that everyone in the crowd was mouthing NOOOOOOOO!!!!! in slow motion. Then she looked at the scoreboard and realized that she had scored a point for the other team.

- 116. in 7th grade i was the weird new kid in school. we'd moved to a semi-suburban district from a super-rural one, which made me feel like i had no idea what was going on, socially. the kids all knew brand names of clothes and your jeans had to be the right length and there were all these things i just knew nothing about. plus the fact that my parents were vegetarian buddhists, which of course i had to hide, and i was massively socially insecure. so one day, about two months maybe into the school year, i got a bathroom pass from math class to go pee. but then when i was done, after washing my hands, i ended up standing in front of the full-length mirror. i'm not sure why, but i started dancing. this wasn't normal behavior for me, and i can't remember what would have inspired it. but suddenly of course in walks this other kid from my math class, named david. he was a hanger-on with the clique of rich kids who rode my bus and had become my nemeses (they had sized me up as a weirdo in embarrassing clothes from day one). "what are you doing?" he asked, and started to laugh. "are you dancing?" i turned beet red, said, "no, nothing," and ran out and back to math class. but then a few minutes later, david came back from the bathroom and i heard him start telling other kids that i'd been dancing in the bathroom and everyone started laughing. i just pretended not to hear.

lol

-117. another new kid story...so this one geeky kid, david, starts catholic school during fifth grade. he comes in the middle of the school year and on his first day, things are pretty normal. then we do the lunch call, where you either say, 'hot,' if you want a hot lunch, 'cold' if you want a sandwich or 'nothing' if you brought your own...everyone goes. Kaitlin? "Hot." Andrew? "Hot." Chris? "Nothing." David?
*pause*
David?
"I'm feeeeeling...HOT! HOT! HOT!" + a little dancing
*silence*
Everyone just stares at him and he turns so red.

some story about a penguin looking for a place to pee.. and maybe he pees on another penguin

CaptainLorax, you are the creator of Pingu and I claim my prize...

hahahaha david is awesome

whoops, turns out i was singing along to the oblivians "strong come on" out loud.

I think about that person probably once every three weeks or so.

-- Pleasant Plains, Thursday, October 25, 2007 9:14 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

hahahaha the funny thing is i bet that guy consoled himself thinking "at least no one will remember this years from now."

-- latebloomer, Thursday, 25 October 2007 21:17 (9 months ago) Link

GZA

This thread has made my day. Printed it off to read while wife watched Olympics. Drove her insane with frequent hysterics.

I love this thread so much. Tears of laughter made my husband think I was upset...

118. I was about 7, in the big K-Mart department store with my family. I was dressed up in my 'going out clothes', and most importantly, wearing a skirt with an elastic waistband. Always had a tendency to wander off as a kid, and this time found me wandering the toy section. I think I must have seen something cool on one of the lowest shelves...anyway, whatever I saw, I crouched down to get a better look. When I went to stand up, I stood on the hem of my skirt, and YOINK!...my skirt is around my ankles and I am standing upright in my underpants. I grabbed that skirt as quick as a flash (haha no pun)...to this day I don't even know if anyone saw me. Didn't matter. I was so embarrassed I nearly cried.

119. When I was 11, my mum took me to her new hairdresser. The hairdresser was this bubbly woman, a bit younger than my Mum, and she was really into 'hair trends'. This is 1986, so hair trends ahoy...but bear in mind that I live in a VERY small country town, and I am still in primary school. So this hairdresser, trendsetter that she was decided to give me an asymmetrical bob. And I'm not talking slightly. I'm talking, one side is an ear length bob, the other side is boy-short. Gelled fringe, the works. In the salon, I thought I was pretty hot stuff. I'd seen that haircut on Countdown in the music videos, and I was SO excited! I think Mum must have just gone along with my enthusias, because I don't remember Mum saying anything before or after, except that I should tilt my head to the side so I that I didn't fall over. Ha ha.
But then I went to school. Sixth grade in a small country town rocking an asymmetical bob? Wrong answer. I was laughed at SO badly that I came home in tears, and Mum, calling on her passable hairdressing skills, shaped my asymmetrical bob into a short crop. I love my Mum.

120. After biking all over the fucking place on a 90+ degree day, I caught a ride on a bus, standing in the aisle up near the front to keep an eye on my bike. Shortly afterward I found out that I had so much butt sweat going on that everyone sitting behind me on the bus must have thought I'd pissed myself.

this thread should be renamed one hundred traumatically painful memories that you wish could wipe from your memory but can't

121. one good friday when i was little we all had to line up in church to kiss the feet of the cross but i got confused and thought we were supposed to kiss jesus on the face, which i was too short to reach, so i stuck my elbows up on the altar and hauled myself up with great determination and a lot of wriggling and the altar boys who were about ten years old to my six all laughed horribly at me and then my family jeered at me in the car afterwards, it was mortifying.

121. Maybe this is TMI...I don't know. But it qualifies as a minor embarrassment, I'm pretty sure. School camp, 12 years old in 7th grade. We went on a group hike to a waterfall for what seemed like a frikkin DAY. Over the hills and through the woods etc etc. Coming back from the waterfall seemed to take forever, felt even longer than the walk there. To make matters worse, I was feeling the need for the bathroom pretty strongly. Better still: Number 2. Camp was nowhere in sight, and I was trying with all my might to Just. Keep. Walking...and not think about how badly I needed to go. We were still at least a mile from camp when my 'mind over matter' experiment completely failed. I shat myself. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't duck into the bushes for a squat...Weird. Anyway. I hung as far back from the group as I could (lucky for me my unpopularity worked in my favor and no-one noticed that I was lagging), and walked very slowly and uncomfortably back to camp. When we got back I made a beeline for the dining hall bathroom, and swiftly removed my underwear, cleaned myself up, and then stole the bin liner from the restroom and buried the offending garment in the furthest garbage can I could find. As far as I know, no-one ever knew what happened....and this is the first time I've ever openly admitted it. [Hangs head].

122. Today I wore a new top to work. My colleague told me she'd seen the same thing but in a dress version and was thinking of buying it. I told her I'd tried the dress on in the shop, but the 12 was too big and the 10 was too tight around the bust. She said 'hmm, I guess we're about the same size'. 'No, I reckon you're a bit smaller than me' I told her. Realised 20 minutes ago that the dress in question is empire line and she was talking tits.

123. Age 11ish. With the family.Playing the game where you have to name things starting with each letter to take on holiday. Mum said "I went on holiday and I took an apple". I said "I went on holiday and I took an apple and a blow job "

The game ended.

I mean to say "blow torch".

Why was I trying to take a blowtorch on holiday?

-124. Didn't know what a cricket box was, thought it was a jaw protector, put it on my face.

-125. The one time I ever played a full game of cricket, aged about 10 or 11 (my club was short on numbers), I had just reached the crease when the guy in charge of the kit realised he hadn't given me a box. He held the game up ostentatiously (shouting, hands in the air, etc) and jogged out to hand it to me. I *did* know what it was but, being a bit embarrassed to be given it (we never used them in practice) and not wanting to fiddle about down there while everyone's eyes were on me, was waiting until he jogged away before stuffing it down my trousers. For some reason I did a sort of weighing motion with it in my hand - which he took as his cue get even louder and make a big show of instructing me in what to do with it. All the guys had a good laugh

-126. wooo. I have a lot of these.
One time I took a girl to the movies and went to the bathroom before the movie. I won't dance around the subject matter: I took a crap. When I flushed the john the thing overflowed and I stood up on my tiptoes in the stall and obviously I could tell the guy in the next stall had to get up onto the toilet. As soon as it started flooding I yelled FUCK really loud and soon exited the stall. the guy in the next stall exited around the same time so I tried not to look at him. I went back to my movie when the previews were starting after rubbing my the toes of my shoe on the carpet.

-127. a kid at my high school got his gym shorts and boxers shanked to the ground when he was talking to the girl he had a crush on in gym class.

actually that's more like a major embarrassment - but it didn't happen to me.

128. browsing the racks at a metal record store. surrounded by crust punks and cool dudes covered in awesome tattoos wearing slayer/celtic frost/megadeath tour shirts, hardcore dudes. in the racks i find "SUPER BOOGIE DISCO VOL. 2: 3 LPS OF NONSTOP DANCE GROOVES" for $2. everyone around me snickers as i pull it out of the bin. i grab the new pig destroyer record on my way up to the counter as some kind of pathetic counterweight.

guy behind the counter looks at disco record and says "you know this is great, just for kitsch value, you can put this on at your next party and all your dudes will go 'what the fuuuuuuuck??'"

"ha. yeah. total kitsch value."

on my way out the door i see one of the shoppers with dreads do this:

http://cm1.dotspotter.com/media/0/81/6/SaturdayNightFever_300x298.0.0.0x0.300x298.jpeg

Well at least the guy behind the counter didn't laugh in your face.

I find a "well, you're sellin the damn stuff" works if they do.

Actually, no-one ever did...

129. Aged 7 or 8 I get sent to another classroom to deliver a message to a teacher and can't find my way back out of the classroom.

great thread

71. kicked out of prom w/ my entire table for sneaking downstairs for a cigarette break, have to do walk of shame in front of entire crowd of teachers, students, parents.

― milo z, Thursday, October 25, 2007 3:56 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

this is less "embarrassing" and more "bragging"

jesus whiney, stfu.

sometimes

just saying. milo has some valuable contributions to this thread tho.

-126. wooo. I have a lot of these.
One time I took a girl to the movies and went to the bathroom before the movie. I won't dance around the subject matter: I took a crap. When I flushed the john the thing overflowed and I stood up on my tiptoes in the stall and obviously I could tell the guy in the next stall had to get up onto the toilet. As soon as it started flooding I yelled FUCK really loud and soon exited the stall. the guy in the next stall exited around the same time so I tried not to look at him. I went back to my movie when the previews were starting after rubbing my the toes of my shoe on the carpet.

I guess he did dance around the subject matter

that was tipsy

<3 this thread.

I really, really have to remember not to look at this thread at work, cause I actually just had to cover my face stifling laughter all the way down the elevator in order to get around the corner and crack up over Latebloomer calling someone "mommy" and the phrase "somehow got pooped on"

Yeah, the "mommy" thing is awesome.

I almost reposted the "douche jelly" story before realizing it's already there.

"How did you get poop on you?"
"Umm, you know, somehow."

hahahaha

"I mean, there was a lot going on, things were pretty crazy, one thing let to another, and, well, long story short, I get pooped on."

a fart in church.

a boner during gym class.

I went to a small, somewhat ghetto (more in the sense of "broke" than drugs/violence/etc) Catholic K-8 school. ~30 kids per grade level. When I was in 8th grade, my best friend's brother and his friends were in 6th. We grew up with them and had the sort of adolescent relationship of competition and antagonization where you just talk shit, try to outdo one another. Unfortunately, I'm a pretty short, skinny kid who's not very good at sports. Always kind of ashamed and defensive about that, and every day the 6th and 8th grades cross each others paths changing classes. J and M, friends of little brother, both of whom are physically bigger and stronger than me, would push me and I'd push them back, trying in vain not to look like I'm getting pushed around by these kids 2-3 yrs younger than me. One day they knocked my books and my binder, a canvas Trapper Keeper type that I'd covered the bottom of with stickers, out of my hands and onto the ground. They pointed and laughed and I picked it up, embarrassed for getting punked but also, for some reason, for everyone to be looking at all my stickers. I had a few of those lowrider/cholo ones, snowboard company ones my friend got from his cousin (we had never snowboarded at the time) and a moving hologram one of that dancing baby that was so randomly big in pop-culture at that moment (I had never seen Ally McBeal or wherever it orig. came from)

Tears in my eyes over 'somehow got pooped on'. (lol and yr not helping, Nabisco)

So today I'm needing to get into the floor and my pass is in my back pocket, and because I'm too lazy to take it out I'm jumping at the wall arse-first trying to make the thing go off maybe 5-6 times before I notice the delegation of corporate visitors in suits waiting at reception.

When I was in primary school for some reason I was lauded as booksmart compared to everyone else in my year, so they allocated me to do the speech introducing our "cultural xmas carols" section of the school xmas performances.

I stood in front of all my classmates and parents, and read from a card proudly announcing the next "ittal-ian" christmas carol.

Everyone laughed and I didnt know why, and I felt terrible.