fake jews

dad used to be jewish (part of a hippy dippy new age-y type of thing) and mom's not jewish. all of my highschool friends were jewish and i worked at a temple daycare during the summers. rabi came up to me on college campus and yelled "YOU'RE NOT JEWISH!" at me with a booger in his nose.

[Jerry and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.
ELAINE: Why are you so concerned about this?
JERRY: I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

George Costanza was a fake Jew -- played by a Jewish actor, he and everyone in his family behaved like Jews to the letter, but they weren't Jewish.

Italians in the NY/NJ area are a lot like Jews in the NY/NJ area

Uh, if I'm not mistaken, his real last name (before he changed it to Alexander) is GREENSPAN.

http://www.cbc.ca/cp/world/080111/w01119A.jpg

Abraham

fake plastic jews

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h271/stckhlmcnd/werewolf.jpg

Why the hell is he wearing a kipah. I know it's totally irrational but that picture and the description of the trip in the nyt make me hate bush more than anything else he's done.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1034/876146846_984523cdba_m.jpg

HI DERE

def one of the best parts of being president is visiting other countries and dressing up in their clothes

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/news/archives/china2001.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Sa-NAXwzFm8/Sf9-3Esw09I/AAAAAAAAANo/1iFzXlSUyNc/s400/prince_charles_1844625.jpg

am i a "fake jew" b/c lots of people think that i am jewish (including some real jews) when i first meet them?!?

gefälchterjude!

eisbaer, you're of polish extraction, right? close enough -- at least ethnically.

This thread is A++ instant bookmark. Also, I love all fake jews. There's room in the tribe for all of you! (Except like halachically, by which case half the Jews aren't Jews either. :'(

rabbi jonathan sacks is against fake jews. :(

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/8118828.stm
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jul/03/judaism-chief-rabbi-jonathan-sacks

eisbaer, you're of polish extraction, right? close enough -- at least ethnically.

yup!

My paternal grandmother's side of the family is of Russian Jewish extraction (her husband, my grandfather, converted to Judaism in the Marines in WWII, which is an interesting story in and of itself). That doesn't count, because of the whole matrilineal thing and because my dad and his sister haven't practiced since they were kids and never had their mitzvahs. But I'm also adopted, and probably because I don't resemble my blonde blue-eyed brother at all, had almost exclusively Jewish friends growing up (and went to great pains to avoid developing a southern accent) I get mistaken for MOT constantly. I never know how to react.

I grew up in a town that was 1/2 Jewish, 1/2 Gentile. Although I have a ridiculously Irish surname and blue eyes, more churchy Gentile kids would ask me why I was present on Jewish holidays (they weren't bright and bought into the whole 'all Jews get good grades' thing to absolve their C's).

My high-school friend L has a game she likes to play w/me called 'are you sure your mom's not Jewish?' (hers is) because mine uses the following words all the time: kvetch, mensch, tuchas, plotz, meshuggah, schmuck. My sister is on the phone with her three hours a day, and during this time my mother tells my sister how to run her marriage. She makes matzoh ball soup and noodle pudding A LOT. She wears velour or terrycloth tracksuits with heirloom jewelry, and has a condo in Florida. She hasn't quite graduated to reading the obits yet, but we are waiting.

This thread is A++ instant bookmark. Also, I love all fake jews. There's room in the tribe for all of you!

Totally agree! We need to focus more on recruitment imo.

The revolution starts here: All ILX'ors should convert.

Close enough = the fake jew motto

I will assign L the homework of a checklist, so we can check all our moms.

I know a jew who found out via google's spit cup.

I have a high school friend who turned very orthodox since I've last seen him, he's getting married but I won't be able to attend the wedding. is there something appropriate I should get him in lieu of attending?

actually this is somewhat misleading, as my friend is ethnically Jewish and always has been practicing but didn't become orthodox until recently - perhaps the above post should have gone on the HEY JEWS thread

eisbaer, you're of polish extraction, right? close enough -- at least ethnically.

huh? i thought jews were originally from the middle east, you know, before the diaspora? *checks wikipedia*

me.

XP Get him a mezuzah. You can never have enough mezuzahs (since you need to put one on every doorframe of your home) and you can get him some really nice, attractive ones.

i don't even know who jew are

Funny, I was considering starting a "Gentiles you coulda sworn were Jewish" thread. (Stan Freberg, Michael Richards, Steven Soderbergh)

thanks for the suggestion Mordy!

When my great-grandmother died, we found out that our family on her side is Jewish, but she had kept it hidden and brought up her children as Christians due to anti-semitism etc etc

Mine, too! Except we found out when a descendent of one of my great-grandmother's siblings called one of my great aunts during a family tree/heritage research binge and was like, "Hey guess what??? You are Jewish!!!" My grandmother went around telling everybody she was Jewish for about a week and then she kind of forgot about it.

eisbaer, you're of polish extraction, right? close enough -- at least ethnically.

so profoundly wrong.

i've forgotten ever starting this thread!

I scored a Rosh Hoshanna invite! This is a big fake Jew triumph!

totally second Mordy's recommendation of the mezuzzah - perf Jewish housewarming/wedding gift

If you wanna be really ballsy, you could get them a nice neggelvasser too (a handwashing cup for ceremonial stuff). Something like:

http://www.judaism.com/gif-bk/62181.gif

Or:

http://www.judaism.com/gif-bk/88958.gif

Important note about the mezzuzah: If your friend is Orthodox, he probably won't feel comfortable using your scroll, so don't bother getting him one (unless you want to consult with him beforehand about what kind of scroll kashrut he's comfortable with). Just get him the casing and he can fill it with a scroll that he purchases himself. (Since scrolls can be really expensive, this'll either let you save some money, or let you buy him a nicer mezzuzah holder with the money you're not spending on a scroll he'll just throw away).

being a fake jew is so complicated sometimes

I have a friend who's a fake real jew, or real fake jew, or possibly just entirely not jewish at all. Her mother is jewish although not practicing, her dad certainly isn't, and she grew up occasionally going to a unitarian church. She'll make references to being "jewish" as an ethnicity or cultural background, but mostly to get mileage out of the reference or excuse weird behavior. Her mother had us over for a pseudo-Hanukkah holiday meal that was mostly latkas and bacon (!)

latkas and bacon

I hear they're selling this at Noah's Bagels now

Not to be pedantic on the fake jew thread, but if her mother is Jewish, she's as real Jew as you can get.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/video/2010/feb/05/the-infidel-david-baddiel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5etNeaNlM8M

^ i love the fact that someone starring in it is named Archie Panjabi

I've probably mentioned this somewhere else on ILX, but a few years ago my dad made his answering machine message "Shalom. You have reached the _____ residence...", with a deeeep, solemn pause between "Shalom" and "You". I admit that sometimes I laugh at it when I call home, but I think it seriously played a role in the schism in my family (one side is baptist, the other turned fundamental/evangelical and a few people, including my dad and uncle, went off on this Jewish tangent, then they all stopped talking to each other, and I moved as far away as possible because wtf)

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2010/02/25/apop022510.DTL

a-yo can I join the tribe now

Asians are Asians. We deserve to have our own meme, not simply recycling someone else's.

can we get a meme out of this pls

it's my own parents who mocked me for having too many jewish friends

Jews have usually been a minority, I doubt you could say the same about Asians.

^^ ?? plz to explain

Worldwide population?

yeah but they can still be a minority within countries (incl. other asian countries) not their own?

Of course. Pretty sure Jews aren't the minority in Israel... at the moment at least.

this is totally insane and hilarious:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/52858246/Ami-Magazine-April-6-2011-The-Impostors-Among-Us

i'm happy to field any translation questions if someone here wants to tackle it. essentially it's about religious jews who are "secret heretics"

this is a super interesting article so far. but... really weird to me

Outwardly, they actdevout, yet internally they are non-believers. They have severed all connection to G-d, yet they behave and dress like you and me.

People who have rejected Judaism pose many more dangers to society than out-and-out dissenters, not the least of which is the fact that the former are undetectable

how are they being 'detected' for the purposes of this article?

I think that's an interesting concept and probably a real phenomenon in Orthodox judaism and in any other outwardly devout and discreet religious minority -- people who lose faith inwardly but choose to stay in the fold. I have no idea how this could be "detected" or how this poses a "threat" but that's probably because I think faith is just a lie one tells oneself anyway, so you're basically talking about how good or bad someone is at fooling themselves.

er "himself/herself"

Maybe they're confiding in their Rabbis who are passing their contact info along to the author, I guess?

ha yeah that's what the rest of the article turns out to be.

still, there's something totally missing from the article and i can't really put my finger on it

there's no real mention of what these guys had a problem with or what their questions were or what 'heresies' they found on the 'internet' that we so compelling.

more/related here: http://theantitzemach.blogspot.com/2011/03/open-letter-to-guest-post.html

how are they being 'detected' for the purposes of this article?

― goole, Wednesday, April 13, 2011 10:05 AM (3 minutes ago)

pretty sure the fake jews in that article are made of שטרוי.

Even on an Internet connection fltered for indecent content,heresy can still get through. And some philosophical meanderingsdon’t even involve specifcally anti-frum content, just the unfltered ideas of irreligious scientists and historians.

like no shit? look i know i'm just an ex-lutheran fromm iowa but i can't comprehend the mind that wrote this sentence in seriousness.

plus i'm having trouble believing some of the quotes, tbh...

This is like crazy evangelical-level denial that The World could have anything to offer.

“I actually felt some guilt over that,” he says. “Luckily, it’s arranged in such a way that there are people looking over my shoulder, so that I’m careful about how I pasken. Otherwise, it would be bad,” he says. “I’m sure I would just bemaikel for people if I felt like I wasn’t being watched.”

...

Mindful of the Beis Halevi’s statement about davening for someone who has lost their emunah, I asked Aharon for his name
and his mother’s name. He gave them to me, with a twisted smile. Then I fled.

WTF is going on here? Can someone explain?

Yeah, 'to pasken' is to make a ruling, generally relating to kosher food, but also frequently related to arbitrating niddah (ritual female impurity) questions and other jurisprudence. He is being asked, "aren't you afraid that you'll give bad judgements?" (such as being 'maikel' or lenient when the law calls for stringency) and he's saying, "yes, that's why i have ppl double checking my work"

the second thing; the Beis Halevi was a rabbinical authority and he said that we should daven (pray) for those who lost their emunah (faith). When you pray for someone in Judaism you generally do so by naming them and referencing their mother. For example, my name if you were going to pray for me would be Mordechai Yisroel (my first and middle name) Ben (son of) Maita Fiegel (my mother's first and middle name). You also pray for someone when they're sick (it's called a mishaberech) and that's really the subtext behind the Beis Halevi's comment and this article in general: That to not have emunah is to be ill.

My paternal grandmother's side of the family is of Russian Jewish extraction (her husband, my grandfather, converted to Judaism in the Marines in WWII, which is an interesting story in and of itself). That doesn't count, because of the whole matrilineal thing and because my dad and his sister haven't practiced since they were kids and never had their mitzvahs. But I'm also adopted, and probably because I don't resemble my blonde blue-eyed brother at all, had almost exclusively Jewish friends growing up (and went to great pains to avoid developing a southern accent) I get mistaken for MOT constantly. I never know how to react.

― Telephone thing, Friday, July 10, 2009 7:57 AM Bookmark

I'm a blonde blue-eyed Southerner whose paternal great-grandmother was Jewish. Everyone had gone Baptist by the time the 20th Century rolled around, but there's still plenty of kvetching on that side of the family to go around.

Am I the only one seeing this thread and thinking, "Naaaa na na, na na na na, na na na na, fake jews?" Yes? OK then.

Actually I keep thinking "fake jews sell em on ebay"*

*I probably am indeed the only one thinking this.

I hear it being said by Norm MacDonald.