Emergency Services: And what's your name?
Caller: (garbled)... the whole fuckin' close.
ES: Pardon?
C: The whole fuckin' close.
ES: Oh, it's you again.
C: Naw, here, mate, it's no' fuckin' anybody, right?
ES: Oh.
C: Jist get a fuckin' guy up here an' get the water oan an' don't get fuckin' wide.
ES: Okay. As soon as I can get it on for ye, we'll get it done, okay?
C: Right, so whit... whit're ye daein' aboot it the noo?
ES: Just now?
C: Yeah.
ES: I'm not doing anything about it at the moment.
C: Well, whit've ye done?
ES: We'll be trying to get hold of the key tomorrow that opens the...
C: Ye're tryin' to get the key tomorrow?
ES: Uh huh.
C: How the fuck's the key no' therr the day? We've nae fuckin' water the day, man, an' ye've goat a full fuckin' close that's goat tae live... shite... eat... know whit ah mean?
ES: Yeah.
C: Right, so how the... how the fuck ye no' goat the key?
ES: Well, we don't have the key.
C: Well, where d'ye get the key?
ES: From one of the workshops.
C: Then get a fuckin' plumber up here the noo, then, right?
ES: No.
C: Whit?
ES: No.
C: Whit d'ye mean naw?
ES: Well, what ah mean is naw.
C: Ye gonnae phone a plumber, eh? An' tell 'im tae come up tae 6 Gxxxxxxx Place, ah'll wait there, right?
ES: Nope.
C: ... an' get the fuckin' door open?
ES: No.
C: Ye're no'?
ES: Nope.
C: How no'?
ES: (pause) I'm not giving you an answer am I? I'm just saying we're not doing it at the momentttttt.
C: Whit d'ye mean ye're no' fuckin' daein' it at the moment, mate?
ES: Just exactly what I said.
C: Here, big yin, man.
ES: Eh?
C: Whit's yer fuckin' hassle here?
ES: Nae hassle, ah'm... ah'm no' the wan that's cursin' and swearin'.
C: Ah'm... ah'm askin' you nicely here, right, afore ah get upset, mate, right?
ES: (indecipherable)
C: Ur you gonnae... ur you gonnae dae yer fuckin' joab right?
ES: Oh, yes.
C: Aye.
ES: Uh huh.
C: So when ye gonnae get a plumber up here, then?
ES: Well, as I said if we can get a hold of that key tomorrow we'll send someone up...
C: NEVER MIND THE FUCKIN' KEY, YA PRICK! Right? Ye hear that?
ES: Oh I heard ye, yeah.
C: Right, noo listen, get a fuckin' plumber up here, right...
A: ... naw...
C: ... an' we'll get the fuckin' door open, okay?
ES: Naw, I'm sorry, I'm not sending a plumber up today.
C: Ye're not sending a plumber up the day?
ES: No.
C: No?
ES: No.
C: How no'?
ES: We don't have the men to do it, I'm afraid.
C: Ye've no' goat the fu... the men in Emergency fuckin'... here hold it a minute, man, you're telling me you're Emergency Services...
ES: Yes.
C: ... an' ye've no' goat the fuckin' men...
ES: We've no' got the men to do what you're wanting us to do.
C: Well, aw we're wantin's a fuckin' plumber here, ya prick!
ES: Well, as I said, I'm sorry, we don't have them at the moment. First chance we get we'll get somebody up here, but as I say I...
C: The first chance ye'll get? GET FUCKIN' DAEIN' YER JOAB, YA PRICK!
ES: As I say, it'll be... the earliest we'll be able to get it done would be tomorrow if we can get this key.
C: Here. Big yin. Ye're Emergency Services, in't ye? Ah've goat yer fuckin' number here, in't ah?
ES: Uh huh.
C: Right.
ES: Yes.
C: So ah'm tellin' you, therr's a full fuckin' close needin' a plumber...
ES: I'm aware of that.
C: ... now get a fuckin' plumber up here!
ES: Not just now, I'm afraid.
C: An' how no'?
ES: We don't have the men to do it...
C: YE'VE NO' GOAT THE FUCKIN' MEN? WHERR UR THEY THEN? Eh?
ES: Where are they?
C: Where are they, ya fuckin' (pause) balloon?
ES: Our men are out working just now.
C: They're out workin'? Well get... well see when wan o' them's fuckin' finished oan the emergency services get them fuckin' up here, ya fuckin' walloper!
Background voice: (indecipherable)
ES: Sorry, it'll not be today, I'm afraid, they're too busy...
C: Ye don't... IT'LL NO' BE THE FUCKIN' DAY, YA PRICK?
ES: ... they're too busy.
C: ... WHIT D'YE FUCKIN' MEAN?
Background voice: Hey.
ES: Well just... we're busy.
C: Ye're jist too busy?
ES: Uh huh.
C: Aye. (pause) Ah well. That's it then, innit? (despairing laugh)
ES: Well, when I said that...
C: Ye're fur emergencies? (despairing laugh) Ye still therr, big yin?
ES: Yes, aye.
C: Right. Well... can we get calmed doon a wee bit noo?
ES: Well, I wisnae shoutin' or anything.
C: Ah know, 'cause ye think ye're so fuckin' cool, right, ya prick!
ES: You can calm down if you like...
C: NAW, AH'LL CALM DOON FUCK ALL, MAN!
ES: Well, you don't have to...
C: Ah'll fuckin' have you bra'!
ES: (indecipherable)
C: Giein' me oot yer fuckin' lip ower the phone. 'Cause yer joab's fuckin'... ye're sussed, man, know whit ah mean?
ES: Ah'm whit?
C: Aw ah'm sayin' tae you, cut oot yer fuckin' crap and get us a plumber up here! Dae ye hear me?
ES: I hear ye, but you don't seem to understand we don't have the men...
C: Right, start fuckin' daein' yer joab, ya prick!
ES: ... we don't have the men to send up to you today.
C: WELL, WHEN WILL WAN O'THEM BE FUCKIN' DONE! AN' UP HERE! AN' HE'LL HIV A FUCKIN' KEY! FUR THE DOOR! YA FUCKIN' RIDE?!?!??!?!
ES: Well, as I say, tomorrow at the earliest.
C: Tomorrow at the earliest? (pause) Right, fuck off ya prick.
END OF TAPE
― Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 12 November 2004 11:20 (nineteen years ago) link