what do you get when you cross elliott smith and lamonte young?
a symphony man, with one fucking note
― jeevves, Friday, 9 September 2011 08:58 (twelve years ago) link
What do you call a Liverpudlian lady's comb?
A Her brush
― Ned Trifle X, Friday, 9 September 2011 10:27 (twelve years ago) link
what do you call a cheese that can hide a horse?
mascarpone
― i asked for "HALF" a glass of wine, because i am TEMPERENT (lex pretend), Friday, 9 September 2011 14:16 (twelve years ago) link
Did you hear about the female water skier who ran into the floating maritime navigational aid? Yeah, it was a classic case of GIRL MEETS BUOY!
― andrew m., Friday, 9 September 2011 14:42 (twelve years ago) link
That mascarpone one is good, but would have been significantly funnier for me on first reading if I hadn't initially thought it said "can *ride* a horse".
― Prejudice Capsule Hamster (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Friday, 9 September 2011 16:35 (twelve years ago) link
Did you hear about the wealthy industrialist centipede? He put pants on just like everyone else.
Multitudinously.
― jeevves, Friday, 9 September 2011 23:59 (twelve years ago) link
What's Howard's favorite Coen Brothers movie?
O Brother Howard Thou.
What's Howard's favorite Woody Allen movie?
Hannah and Her Sisters and Her Cool Brother, Howard.
― Philip Nunez, Saturday, 10 September 2011 00:29 (twelve years ago) link
Proust wrote about putting his pants on just like everyone else, one hundred pages at a time.
― jeevves, Sunday, 11 September 2011 10:25 (twelve years ago) link
Why will Jona Lewie never get fat?Because he always stops the carvery
― Summer Slam! (Ste), Wednesday, 21 September 2011 15:15 (twelve years ago) link
NB: this is really terrible.
Why did the current U.S. president get pegged as a Tangier terrorist?The got him mixed up with the Morocco Bomber. (sounds like "Barrack Obama")
― Nick Chopper (Abbott), Friday, 30 September 2011 00:56 (twelve years ago) link
ilxor screen name joek:
Why was "h" afraid of "i"?Because "i" ate "e".
― rustic italian flatbread, Friday, 30 September 2011 01:08 (twelve years ago) link
eh?
― Mister Potato shares Manchester United’s commitment to (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Friday, 30 September 2011 08:16 (twelve years ago) link
iatee
― rustic italian flatbread, Friday, 30 September 2011 08:35 (twelve years ago) link
I lol'd
― she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Friday, 30 September 2011 14:10 (twelve years ago) link
Knock knockWho's there?Interuppting Cow from Jersey.Interuppting Cow fr...FAAACK YOU!!
― frogbs, Friday, 30 September 2011 14:19 (twelve years ago) link
I think that would be better if you said "Interrupting Jersey Cow," since that's actually a kind of cow.
― Disraeli Geirs (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 4 October 2011 11:53 (twelve years ago) link
Anyway,
Why is the new iPhone too gangsta for the average buyer?
Because it's 4G.
What do you call a crowd of iPhone 4S owners?
A 4St.
― Autumn Almanac, Wednesday, 5 October 2011 05:40 (twelve years ago) link
what's philip glass's favorite neil young record?
on the beach, einstein!
― bernard snowy, Thursday, 13 October 2011 11:47 (twelve years ago) link
I like that one
― Disraeli Geirs (Hurting 2), Thursday, 13 October 2011 11:49 (twelve years ago) link
Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.
― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, 13 October 2011 12:16 (twelve years ago) link
When Santa goes raving, does he get smashed on Xmassy?
― dog latin, Friday, 14 October 2011 09:15 (twelve years ago) link
Read that as Santana!
OK, then..
When Santana goes raving, does he end up at a Samba Pa Ti?
― Mark G, Friday, 14 October 2011 09:53 (twelve years ago) link
hahaha Dog
― Summer Slam! (Ste), Friday, 14 October 2011 10:44 (twelve years ago) link
okay not a deliberate homemade joke but this came from my 3 year old godson and made me laugh
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with L"
"Elephant"
― Summer Slam! (Ste), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 09:56 (twelve years ago) link
I really like bernard snowy's Glass/Young joke.
― brain (krakow), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 10:32 (twelve years ago) link
Q: Why couldn't the post-op transexual man stop taking testosterone?A: Because he was addicted.
― Unleash the Chang (he did what!) (Austerity Ponies), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 14:55 (twelve years ago) link
A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"
― The Cheerfull Turtle (Latham Green), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 17:25 (twelve years ago) link
― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, October 13, 2011 8:16 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
― beachville, Tuesday, 7 February 2012 17:55 (twelve years ago) link
Q: Did you hear about the accident at the mushroom processing plant?A: NoQ: It's got a tragic morel.
― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Thursday, 1 March 2012 23:02 (twelve years ago) link
Q: How did the pimp lose so much weight?A: Using one weird old trick.
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 21 March 2012 03:34 (twelve years ago) link
Have you heard the Kansas song about the Vulture telling his son what's for dinner?
"Carrion my wayward sonthere'll be peas when you are done"
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Thursday, 22 March 2012 02:21 (twelve years ago) link
Q: What is Lucky Luciano's favorite movie?A: Maid in Manhattan.
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Friday, 6 April 2012 02:07 (twelve years ago) link
What did the Juggalo eat for breakfast?Cream of WOOT!
― beachville, Sunday, 15 April 2012 10:10 (twelve years ago) link
Why did the indie rock ingenue actress go so well on a Croque Monsieur?
Because she was Gooey Bechamel
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 18 April 2012 19:51 (twelve years ago) link
!
― fruitsbs (beachville), Wednesday, 18 April 2012 19:53 (twelve years ago) link
What do you call a horse from Pennsylvania?
A filly!
― Mordy, Thursday, 19 April 2012 02:58 (twelve years ago) link
Haven't quite worked this one out yet, but I think there could be a long joke involving a geisha and a submissive man that ends with the line "I wouldn't have pegged you for a fan"
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Thursday, 26 April 2012 15:43 (twelve years ago) link
Have you seen that new Edith Piaf branded salad dressing?
Je ne vinaigrette rien...
― Scary Move 4 (dog latin), Wednesday, 2 May 2012 13:23 (eleven years ago) link
stealing that.
― how's life, Wednesday, 2 May 2012 13:24 (eleven years ago) link
five stars!
― she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Wednesday, 2 May 2012 14:12 (eleven years ago) link
Q: Where do the Chicago Worms play?
A: At Wriggly Field.
― Scott, bass player for Tenth Avenue North (Hurting 2), Friday, 11 May 2012 18:02 (eleven years ago) link
Q: What do you call an extinct species of spider?
A: an arachnid-ism
― He's sick of the Swiss. He don't like em. (Austerity Ponies), Friday, 11 May 2012 18:12 (eleven years ago) link
Q: What subway stop do the Brooklyn Moles get off at?
A: Burrow Hall.
I think having a baby is affecting my humor style.
― this guy's a gangsta? his real name's mittens. (Hurting 2), Monday, 21 May 2012 15:57 (eleven years ago) link
Did you hear that E.L. James is writing a scat novel?
Yeah, that's right, it's called "Fifty Shades of Gray Poop-on"
― this guy's a gangsta? his real name's mittens. (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 22 May 2012 20:36 (eleven years ago) link
Q:What's the king's favorite record label?A:Moat-town!
― how's life, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 00:10 (eleven years ago) link
Q: What's the lawn's favorite record label?A: Mow-town!
― Word of Wisdom Robots (Abbbottt), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 02:59 (eleven years ago) link
Q: What's a librarian's favorite record label?A: STAX
― this guy's a gangsta? his real name's mittens. (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 03:26 (eleven years ago) link
There's this hot new bestseller soft porn novel that started out as He-Man fan fiction.
It's called Fifty Shades of Greyskull
― this guy's a gangsta? his real name's mittens. (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 20:50 (eleven years ago) link
Q. What do they shout at the existentialist gay pride march?A. "We're here, it's queer, get over it!"
― the fey monster (ledge), Wednesday, 30 May 2012 10:02 (eleven years ago) link