Homemade Jokes

Where do earwigs go on holiday?
Laos

How would a violinist inform a tough kid about the conclusion to the premier league this season?
You Hoodie, Man U win. (Yehudi Menuhin)

i don't get that cannibal one

The other day I saw a plate of spaghetti crying - I said "why are you crying" and it said nothing. Then I realized it was just very wet and dripping. Merlin appeared and exposed himself to me. Then I CRIED.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shoah.
Shoah who?
Sho, ah, whatsh for dinner?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his friend who asked him about meditation?

"Get to D. Chopra!"

"Hey you know the guitarist from Super Furry Animals -- the one from Ireland?"
"Wales."
"Well I wouldn't go that far, but he's alright."

That is great.

Bob Hoskins: What are you up to next week, your majesty?
The Queen: I'm travelling to Hawaii to give out OBEs to major female singers from the 1960s and 70s.
Prince Charles: Are you going to 'Onolulu?

Hmmmm... that's ended up even worse and more bizzarre than it was intended. Please imagine Prince Charles is Bob Hoskins.

Q. What do you call a dude with a 1 inch cock?
A. Justin

I've got a punchline something about Hitler ordering Swiss chard (charred), but I can't quite work out the joke.

I love that SFA one Hurting! Definitely going to start telling it when muso jokes are needed, if that's cool?

official version:

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:47 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.

― who is john nult? (dayo), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:49 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

shut up

― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:53 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark

lol

terrible nerdy audio geek joke

q: which comedian is also a reverb preset

a: rich hall

― men at work choices (electricsound)

that got a lol

that's awesome

q: how did the he-goat learn how to make threatening noises while fighting other he-goats for a mate?

a: he attended Rut Grrrs University

what do you get when you cross elliott smith and lamonte young?

a symphony man, with one fucking note

What do you call a Liverpudlian lady's comb?

A Her brush

what do you call a cheese that can hide a horse?

mascarpone

Did you hear about the female water skier who ran into the floating maritime navigational aid? Yeah, it was a classic case of GIRL MEETS BUOY!

That mascarpone one is good, but would have been significantly funnier for me on first reading if I hadn't initially thought it said "can *ride* a horse".

Did you hear about the wealthy industrialist centipede?
He put pants on just like everyone else.

Multitudinously.

What's Howard's favorite Coen Brothers movie?

O Brother Howard Thou.

What's Howard's favorite Woody Allen movie?

Hannah and Her Sisters and Her Cool Brother, Howard.

Proust wrote about putting his pants on just like everyone else, one hundred pages at a time.

Why will Jona Lewie never get fat?
Because he always stops the carvery

NB: this is really terrible.

Why did the current U.S. president get pegged as a Tangier terrorist?
The got him mixed up with the Morocco Bomber. (sounds like "Barrack Obama")

ilxor screen name joek:

Why was "h" afraid of "i"?
Because "i" ate "e".

eh?

iatee

I lol'd

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interuppting Cow from Jersey.
Interuppting Cow fr...
FAAACK YOU!!

I think that would be better if you said "Interrupting Jersey Cow," since that's actually a kind of cow.

Anyway,

Why is the new iPhone too gangsta for the average buyer?

Because it's 4G.

What do you call a crowd of iPhone 4S owners?

A 4St.

what's philip glass's favorite neil young record?

on the beach, einstein!

I like that one

Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.

When Santa goes raving, does he get smashed on Xmassy?

Read that as Santana!

OK, then..

When Santana goes raving, does he end up at a Samba Pa Ti?

hahaha Dog

okay not a deliberate homemade joke but this came from my 3 year old godson and made me laugh

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with L"

"Elephant"

I really like bernard snowy's Glass/Young joke.

Q: Why couldn't the post-op transexual man stop taking testosterone?
A: Because he was addicted.

A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"

Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.

― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, October 13, 2011 8:16 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Q: Did you hear about the accident at the mushroom processing plant?
A: No
Q: It's got a tragic morel.

Q: How did the pimp lose so much weight?
A: Using one weird old trick.

Have you heard the Kansas song about the Vulture telling his son what's for dinner?

"Carrion my wayward son
there'll be peas when you are done"

Q: What is Lucky Luciano's favorite movie?
A: Maid in Manhattan.