Homemade Jokes

oh wait, I effed that up a little

official version:

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.

shut up

Q. why did Yogi Berra get nervous when the Yankees announced their plan to play in Australia?
A. he heard they were going to Canberra (he heard they were going to can Berra)!

Q. why did the assassin fire the chef he hired to poison the Prime Minister's soup?
A. there wasn't enough rice in (there wasn't enough ricin!).

Q:Why did the Non-Aligned movement include Yugoslavia but not Vietnam?
A: Broz before Hos.

Q: What did god say when he saw his massive poop?
A: Holy shit

Oh loraxpaws

it cracked me up when I thought of it a couple days ago. i also clogged the toilet around the same time (and I didn't use much tp). seriously though. what kind of shit clogs a toilet? godly shit

stop taking now

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_rhuHxI81C6w/SYm5SoDXeFI/AAAAAAAAABc/r5eHRiv4bcc/s320/Limbaugh,+The+Talking+Toilet.jpg

What do you call it when your post is stuck between two awful sock posts?

Shit sandwich.

I don't get it

I have one of those smart light switches in my living room, that knows whether or not I'm in the room, and turns the light on or off accordingly. The switch in my bedroom isn't so clever. It's just a dimmer switch.

i like that one!

Cracked my kids up with this last night (they're easily pleased)

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Interrupting knock knock joke
Interrupting knock kn...
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Interrupting knock knock joke
Interrupting knock kn...
KNOCK KNOCK!
etc.

I made up this joke in my sleep:

Q: What meal do cannibals invite their friends round for?
A: LUNCH

want to make a joke about a gay incestuous father but

plz do

the punchline is 'dickinson' the rest I don't know

"you are kneeling with dickinson"

Why did the arabic pastry attend a baroque music festival?

Because he was a baklava (bach lover)

Where do earwigs go on holiday?
Laos

How would a violinist inform a tough kid about the conclusion to the premier league this season?
You Hoodie, Man U win. (Yehudi Menuhin)

i don't get that cannibal one

The other day I saw a plate of spaghetti crying - I said "why are you crying" and it said nothing. Then I realized it was just very wet and dripping. Merlin appeared and exposed himself to me. Then I CRIED.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shoah.
Shoah who?
Sho, ah, whatsh for dinner?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his friend who asked him about meditation?

"Get to D. Chopra!"

"Hey you know the guitarist from Super Furry Animals -- the one from Ireland?"
"Wales."
"Well I wouldn't go that far, but he's alright."

That is great.

Bob Hoskins: What are you up to next week, your majesty?
The Queen: I'm travelling to Hawaii to give out OBEs to major female singers from the 1960s and 70s.
Prince Charles: Are you going to 'Onolulu?

Hmmmm... that's ended up even worse and more bizzarre than it was intended. Please imagine Prince Charles is Bob Hoskins.

Q. What do you call a dude with a 1 inch cock?
A. Justin

I've got a punchline something about Hitler ordering Swiss chard (charred), but I can't quite work out the joke.

I love that SFA one Hurting! Definitely going to start telling it when muso jokes are needed, if that's cool?

official version:

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:47 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.

― who is john nult? (dayo), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:49 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

shut up

― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:53 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark

lol

terrible nerdy audio geek joke

q: which comedian is also a reverb preset

a: rich hall

― men at work choices (electricsound)

that got a lol

that's awesome

q: how did the he-goat learn how to make threatening noises while fighting other he-goats for a mate?

a: he attended Rut Grrrs University

what do you get when you cross elliott smith and lamonte young?

a symphony man, with one fucking note

What do you call a Liverpudlian lady's comb?

A Her brush

what do you call a cheese that can hide a horse?

mascarpone

Did you hear about the female water skier who ran into the floating maritime navigational aid? Yeah, it was a classic case of GIRL MEETS BUOY!

That mascarpone one is good, but would have been significantly funnier for me on first reading if I hadn't initially thought it said "can *ride* a horse".

Did you hear about the wealthy industrialist centipede?
He put pants on just like everyone else.

Multitudinously.

What's Howard's favorite Coen Brothers movie?

O Brother Howard Thou.

What's Howard's favorite Woody Allen movie?

Hannah and Her Sisters and Her Cool Brother, Howard.

Proust wrote about putting his pants on just like everyone else, one hundred pages at a time.

Why will Jona Lewie never get fat?
Because he always stops the carvery

NB: this is really terrible.

Why did the current U.S. president get pegged as a Tangier terrorist?
The got him mixed up with the Morocco Bomber. (sounds like "Barrack Obama")