God bless the goddamn Onion

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It suddenly occurred to me that they were finally going to update today, so I went. Jesus H., I do love those clowns.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

sexy answer to put this in the sexy dirty sex sex sex new answers.

― Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'd wondered how they would address this, and I have to say they got it right. It comes at the perfect time, too, when the feelings are still raw but laughter is possible. More than anything, it brings to light how instructive their humor is.

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

― Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Quite right. It's a hard thing to pull off, but I think they did it very well indeed. Taking the week off was the right thing to do, and it made everything just come across that much better, methinks.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Surprisingly unfunny. Or not surprisingly, I think. Seems so... average... in light of news coverage of minutae of recent events and span and style of already extant coverage.

― Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

For the first time in a long time it is actually funny, even if they are wheeling out some of the tired old forl\mulas again. very well handled I think. Still not private eye though.

― Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I thought it was v.good. Esp. the cake one - strangely poignant. And the 'Hell sources' phrase.

― Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

One of the best pieces of commentary I've seen. Somehow, even while being totally tasteless and tacky and completely hypocritical (the Gen X bit), somehow it's the most spot on thing I've seen. I sent the bit about God clarifying His no-kill policy to my priest mum.

― Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I LOVE the ''Terrorists surprized To Find Selves In Hell'' one. The Onion is genius.

― rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

― ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

What is "private eye"?

― Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

― Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

― suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

5 years pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (3 years ago) Permalink

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (3 years ago) Permalink

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (3 years ago) Permalink

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (3 years ago) Permalink

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (3 years ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

― Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (3 years ago) Permalink

I remember going through that phase

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (3 years ago) Permalink

we get print versions in la now btw!!

― chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (3 years ago) Permalink

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (3 years ago) Permalink

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (3 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (3 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (2 years ago) Permalink

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

― darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (2 years ago) Permalink

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (2 years ago) Permalink

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (2 years ago) Permalink

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (2 years ago) Permalink

a hrarf!

― G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (2 years ago) Permalink

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (2 years ago) Permalink

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (2 years ago) Permalink

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (2 years ago) Permalink

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (2 years ago) Permalink

okay that is awesome

― HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (2 years ago) Permalink

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (2 years ago) Permalink

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (2 years ago) Permalink

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

― rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (2 years ago) Permalink

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (2 years ago) Permalink

One of my more flattering caricatures.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (2 years ago) Permalink

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (2 years ago) Permalink

lol

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about

― James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (2 years ago) Permalink

― Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

― Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (2 years ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

― El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (2 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (2 years ago) Permalink

Skipping 285 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

They've completely raised their game since the movie.

The Onion didn't make The Onion Movie

― parm goin' ham (sic), Sunday, 21 March 2010 10:15 (5 months ago) Permalink

Hasan, my man, if you don't give me a high five right now, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

― kenan, Sunday, 21 March 2010 10:44 (5 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-government-to-save-billions-by-cutting-wasteful,17171/

― The Reverend, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:52 (5 months ago) Permalink

A+! Were they doing real news on April 1st? Sounds quite plausible, tbh.

― StanM, Saturday, 3 April 2010 03:55 (5 months ago) Permalink

― ✌.✰|ʘ‿ʘ|✰.✌ (Steve Shasta), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:23 (5 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/freakonomist-keeps-close-eye-on-ge-stock-versus-he,17202/

― rip sarah silverman 3/19/10 never forget (history mayne), Monday, 5 April 2010 16:52 (4 months ago) Permalink

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

― peter in montreal, Wednesday, 14 April 2010 16:07 (4 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/video/cosmopolitan-institute-completes-decadeslong-study,14257/

― StanM, Wednesday, 14 April 2010 21:14 (4 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths/

― kind of shrill and very self-righteous (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 15 April 2010 02:57 (4 months ago) Permalink

(143 mil a bit low, but nice to see)

― kind of shrill and very self-righteous (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 15 April 2010 02:58 (4 months ago) Permalink

oh, this is the correct link:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths,17248/

― kind of shrill and very self-righteous (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 15 April 2010 02:59 (4 months ago) Permalink

3 weeks pass...

Glee
FOX 9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST
Romance is in the air and that can only mean one thing: GWAR week on Glee.

― Darin, Friday, 7 May 2010 17:15 (3 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/exhausted-noam-chomsky-just-going-to-try-and-enjoy,17404/

― Sweet Sister Raistlin (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Monday, 10 May 2010 20:16 (3 months ago) Permalink

lol x2

― planes/octaves/dimensions of existence (rrrobyn), Monday, 10 May 2010 21:15 (3 months ago) Permalink

Today, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time.

― goole, Monday, 10 May 2010 21:16 (3 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/video/semiliterate-former-gold-prospector-given-own-cabl,17408/

Laughing so hard.

― i would rather burn than spend eternity with god and rapists (chap), Tuesday, 11 May 2010 20:21 (3 months ago) Permalink

BRILLIANT

― StanM, Tuesday, 11 May 2010 20:46 (3 months ago) Permalink

oh god, please make that a series

― Sweet Sister Raistlin (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Wednesday, 12 May 2010 06:02 (3 months ago) Permalink

Someone should just post this on like 75% if the ILM threads.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-very-good-album-takes-a-little-while-to-get-in,17425/

― Darin, Friday, 14 May 2010 15:35 (3 months ago) Permalink

Also this:

― Darin, Friday, 14 May 2010 15:36 (3 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/heckled-christian-rock-band-knows-how-jesus-felt,17446/

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 18 May 2010 17:03 (3 months ago) Permalink

(when you click the above link and you get an error -> just add the / yourself in the address bar)

― StanM, Tuesday, 18 May 2010 17:34 (3 months ago) Permalink

That prospector is genius, and not too far removed from reality. Kind of like when Fey played Palin by simply repeating whatever stupid things Palin had said.

― Josh in Chicago, Tuesday, 18 May 2010 17:56 (3 months ago) Permalink

New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It

aunched last year, Foursquare is unique in that it not only allows users to broadcast their whereabouts, but also offers a number of built-in incentives, including some innovative new crap The New York Times surely has a throbbing hard-on for.
In fact, why don't we just let them report on this garbage and call it a day?
"Foursquare is a little bit of everything—a friend-finder, a local city guide, an interactive mobile game," said company cofounder Dennis Crowley, as if reading from the same tired script used by every one of these Web 2.0 or whatever-the-fuck-they're-called startups. "But more than that, Foursquare is an [endless string of meaningless buzzwords we just couldn't bring ourselves to transcribe]."

― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Friday, 21 May 2010 23:31 (3 months ago) Permalink

zang
i love the times piece at the end

― forksclovetofu, Saturday, 22 May 2010 18:20 (3 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-actually-shouting-at-other-man-to-get-jennifer,17498/

― hope this helps (Granny Dainger), Wednesday, 26 May 2010 01:00 (3 months ago) Permalink

OK, this, right here, is one of the best Onion articles I've seen, because it makes you want to high five it for laying out for you the reasons something pisses you off that you were never able to clearly orchestrate. Like that last sentence sort of.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-social-networking-site-changing-the-way-oh-chr,17465/

― Evan, Wednesday, 26 May 2010 04:48 (3 months ago) Permalink

Linked a couple of posts back there...

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 26 May 2010 04:55 (3 months ago) Permalink

Oh crap I looked right past it. I can always count on you to point out my mistakes, Ned.

― Evan, Wednesday, 26 May 2010 14:14 (3 months ago) Permalink

God bless the goddamn Onion

― Fetchboy, Monday, 7 June 2010 16:46 (2 months ago) Permalink

killer final line

― Mark Ronson: "Led Zeppelin were responsible for hip-hop" (acoleuthic), Monday, 7 June 2010 16:49 (2 months ago) Permalink

― Darin, Friday, 11 June 2010 18:06 (2 months ago) Permalink

that's pretty awesome, even though i can't imagine nyt magazine using stock images

― dell (del), Friday, 11 June 2010 22:45 (2 months ago) Permalink

dont think thats the point

― its like why GROCERY BAG and not saddam? (deej), Saturday, 12 June 2010 17:30 (2 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-grandmother-comes-forward-as-banksy,17604/

― gay sauna manthems (LOLK), Wednesday, 16 June 2010 17:42 (2 months ago) Permalink

dont think thats the point

― its like why GROCERY BAG and not saddam? (deej), Saturday, June 12, 2010 5:30 PM (4 days ago) Bookmark

disagree, seems the true intention of the joke is not lost on dell, in fact if i may be so bold as to suggest that it appears he is a viking at 'getting it'

― del griffith, Wednesday, 16 June 2010 17:55 (2 months ago) Permalink

obviously its a joke about stock images -- i dont think that means its explicitly parodying the ny mag's use of stock images though

― its like why GROCERY BAG and not saddam? (deej), Thursday, 17 June 2010 05:37 (2 months ago) Permalink

OK this is weird, I know the guy in this photo!
http://www.theonion.com/articles/eons-of-darwinian-evolution-somehow-produce-mitch,17635

― jaymc, Monday, 21 June 2010 15:59 (2 months ago) Permalink

(And actually, Mordy does, too. Turns out the photo was taken when he was touring the Onion offices with a group of ¥3$h1v@ students last year.)

― jaymc, Tuesday, 22 June 2010 03:47 (2 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/obamas-weekly-video-addresses-becoming-increasingl,17649/

"This is an abhorrent waste of federal funds," Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform said of Obama's May 13 video, timestamp. "How can a man overseeing the largest deficit in history justify spending our hard-earned money on some artsy video of him signing the same bill over and over again for 14 straight hours as the distant sound of children's laughter grows in intensity until it becomes unbearably loud and then the entire thing ends with footage of an atom bomb going off? It's just despicable."

"Do we really want our tax dollars going toward something so clearly derivative of Sadie Benning's early works?" Norquist added.

― C.R.E.P.E (Trayce), Friday, 2 July 2010 03:35 (2 months ago) Permalink

4 weeks pass...

http://www.theonion.com/video/alqaeda-calls-off-attack-on-nations-capitol-to-spa,17688/

I don't know how old this is but I laughed hard and hearty

― Vlad the Inhaler (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 1 August 2010 22:51 (1 month ago) Permalink

lol @ "Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa" in the related vids

― r|t|c, Monday, 2 August 2010 00:01 (1 month ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/recently-single-al-gore-finally-able-to-listen-to,17824/

― joygoat, Monday, 2 August 2010 15:03 (1 month ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/florida-marlins-delay-game-until-their-fan-shows-u,17891/

― StanM, Saturday, 14 August 2010 13:12 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

CORRECTIONS: Actor Peter Sarsgaard's name was misspelled in a photo caption accompanying a story about the upcoming release of Green Lantern. We were unaware that our readers knew how to spell his name correctly. The Onion regrets the error.

― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 20 August 2010 00:37 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Desperate Pandora Employees Scrambling To Find Song Area Man Likes

"It's called 'Steely Dan Radio,' for Christ's sake—why does he keep skipping over Donald Fagen's 'The Nightfly'?"

― diamonddave85, Saturday, 21 August 2010 19:26 (1 week ago) Permalink

"Here's a guitar. Go write your own damn song, but don't come back crying to us if it sucks."

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Saturday, 21 August 2010 21:25 (1 week ago) Permalink

Awesome and timely.

Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims

Gentries made a conscious decision to stop learning anything new about the Muslim faith on May 22, 2005.

― Jaw dropping, thong dropping monster (kingfish), Monday, 30 August 2010 18:15 (4 days ago) Permalink

barely sitirical though :/

― FORTIFIED STEAMED VEGETABLE BOWL (schlump), Monday, 30 August 2010 20:54 (4 days ago) Permalink

I never liked that damn Tipper Gore - anyone with a name like Tipper must be a bitchtard.

― Latham Green, Tuesday, 31 August 2010 03:03 (3 days ago) Permalink

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