God bless the goddamn Onion

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It suddenly occurred to me that they were finally going to update today, so I went. Jesus H., I do love those clowns.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

sexy answer to put this in the sexy dirty sex sex sex new answers.

― Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

I'd wondered how they would address this, and I have to say they got it right. It comes at the perfect time, too, when the feelings are still raw but laughter is possible. More than anything, it brings to light how instructive their humor is.

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

― Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

Quite right. It's a hard thing to pull off, but I think they did it very well indeed. Taking the week off was the right thing to do, and it made everything just come across that much better, methinks.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

Surprisingly unfunny. Or not surprisingly, I think. Seems so... average... in light of news coverage of minutae of recent events and span and style of already extant coverage.

― Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

For the first time in a long time it is actually funny, even if they are wheeling out some of the tired old forl\mulas again. very well handled I think. Still not private eye though.

― Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

I thought it was v.good. Esp. the cake one - strangely poignant. And the 'Hell sources' phrase.

― Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

One of the best pieces of commentary I've seen. Somehow, even while being totally tasteless and tacky and completely hypocritical (the Gen X bit), somehow it's the most spot on thing I've seen. I sent the bit about God clarifying His no-kill policy to my priest mum.

― Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

I LOVE the ''Terrorists surprized To Find Selves In Hell'' one. The Onion is genius.

― rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

― ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

What is "private eye"?

― Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

― Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

― suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink

5 years pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (6 years ago) Permalink

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (6 years ago) Permalink

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (6 years ago) Permalink

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (6 years ago) Permalink

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (6 years ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

― Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (6 years ago) Permalink

I remember going through that phase

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (6 years ago) Permalink

we get print versions in la now btw!!

― chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (6 years ago) Permalink

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (6 years ago) Permalink

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (6 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (6 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (5 years ago) Permalink

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

― darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (5 years ago) Permalink

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (5 years ago) Permalink

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (5 years ago) Permalink

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (5 years ago) Permalink

a hrarf!

― G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (5 years ago) Permalink

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (5 years ago) Permalink

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (5 years ago) Permalink

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (5 years ago) Permalink

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (5 years ago) Permalink

okay that is awesome

― HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (5 years ago) Permalink

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (5 years ago) Permalink

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (5 years ago) Permalink

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (5 years ago) Permalink

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

― rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (5 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (5 years ago) Permalink

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (5 years ago) Permalink

One of my more flattering caricatures.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (5 years ago) Permalink

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (5 years ago) Permalink

lol

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (5 years ago) Permalink

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about

― James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (5 years ago) Permalink

― Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (5 years ago) Permalink

who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

― Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (5 years ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

― El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (5 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (5 years ago) Permalink

Skipping 1268 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

I read quite a bit (maybe all) of Infinite Jest believing Whataburger was a made-up restaurant.

― 0808ɹƃ (silby), Thursday, 23 May 2013 05:27 (4 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/gay-kid-excited-to-be-made-fun-of-for-second-thing,32562/

― my mans ray manzarek (some dude), Sunday, 26 May 2013 15:44 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

accompanying picture selling the story
http://www.theonion.com/articles/kate-middleton-suffering-from-morning-sickness,32544/

― klaus dingeldore's rhinelander monkey keeper father (forksclovetofu), Sunday, 26 May 2013 18:28 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ancient-egyptian-agriculture-revolved-around-3-sea,32604/

― stefon taylor swiftboat (s.clover), Tuesday, 28 May 2013 21:22 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

^ I think these kinds of Onion articles are kinda lame tbh

― crüt, Tuesday, 28 May 2013 21:24 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

it has a punchline

― stefon taylor swiftboat (s.clover), Tuesday, 28 May 2013 21:28 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

yeah I saw it

― crüt, Tuesday, 28 May 2013 21:29 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-events-depicted-in-star-wars-actually-happened,32560/

― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Tuesday, 28 May 2013 22:31 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

Yes, it is true that I grew up a loner, tinkering in the garage, wishing I could escape the moisture farm outside of Modesto, California, where my only real friend was my kindly Aunt Beru. Yes, it is also true that all I wanted to do was get off that farm and join the Academy at USC Film School like my best friend Wedge had done the year before. And, sadly, it is true that one day I left the homestead to look for some missing droids and when I returned, my Aunt Beru was dead—killed by stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire.
All of those events actually happened to me. And I guess making the Star Wars movies really helped me get my feelings about that stuff off of my chest.

― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Tuesday, 28 May 2013 22:32 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/buzzfeed-writer-resigns-in-disgrace-after-plagiari,32616/

― congratulations (n/a), Wednesday, 29 May 2013 18:07 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/19-tweets-from-the-audubon-societybarack-obama-twi,32625/

― Fetchboy, Thursday, 30 May 2013 18:31 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

INTERESTING - http://blogs.wsj.com/digits/2013/05/30/music-reviewer-pitchfork-to-launch-film-site/

― balls, Friday, 31 May 2013 02:54 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

ugh! if you want some sort of "new" approach to film crit ("like pitchfork" lol) why would you grab a bunch of crix from the most average and generic mass appeal site ever? and when's the last time p4k's actually posted a scathing review?

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Friday, 31 May 2013 03:28 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

lol the most mass appeal site ever right

― balls, Friday, 31 May 2013 03:32 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

maybe this will finally get the AVC to just shut down their awful film coverage and meanwhile drop all the other coverage and convert to a full-time TV episode review site

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Friday, 31 May 2013 03:32 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

The Onion ~~AV Club~~ presents Random Roles

― 0808ɹƃ (silby), Friday, 31 May 2013 05:02 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

maybe this will finally get the AVC to just shut down their awful film coverage and meanwhile drop all the other coverage and convert to a full-time TV episode review site

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Thursday, May 30, 2013 9:32 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

god their tv stuff is so bad yet so irresistible sometimes after watching a show, just as a thing to do that's a mild extension of that show

― sleepingbag, Friday, 31 May 2013 08:01 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Haha, yes, after I watch even the stupidest piece of genre TV, I cannot wait to find out, "How did Donna Bowman get 600 words out of this?" David Sims's hate-watching of The Following is hilarious, though.

― Huston we got chicken lol (Phil D.), Friday, 31 May 2013 09:34 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

i don't think their TV coverage is any good, but it's the only regular feature anyone puts any stock in and the only reviews the site itself seems to care about. when a standard episode of a middling tv show none of their readers watches gets 4x the words as every single album or film review, the album and film review sections start to appear a little token

in actuality it should all be shut down urrrrrggggghhhhh

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Friday, 31 May 2013 12:27 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

I used to read the TV capsules after an episode, thinking I'd gleam some trivia or a plot point I missed, but most of the time, they don't even know what the hell is going on.

Random Observations
• Hawkeye seems so bothered by the chicken that by the end of the episode, he imagines it's a crying baby. Who knew the good doctor was so paranoid about poultry?

― pplains, Friday, 31 May 2013 13:36 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-on-cusp-of-having-fun-remembers-every-single-o,32632/

― Evan, Friday, 31 May 2013 14:15 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

That made me want to cry for the rest of my life

― kinder, Friday, 31 May 2013 15:59 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

ugh yeah pretty much

― some dude, Friday, 31 May 2013 16:04 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/after-careful-deliberation-baby-goes-with-homosexu,32627/

A little long, but worth it for getting to “If I wake up one day and don’t want to be gay anymore, then I can just switch to being heterosexual, easy as that.”

― Huston we got chicken lol (Phil D.), Friday, 31 May 2013 16:07 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

i get that it's trying to satirize the idea that homosexuality is a choice but on the other hand, "no one would EVER choose to be GAY amirite? HI 5 BRO" haha go fuck yourself

― ⚓ (elmo argonaut), Monday, 3 June 2013 20:39 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oh-shit-i-totally-forgot-that-happens,32673/

― Neil S, Tuesday, 4 June 2013 19:17 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

should probably mention massive GoT spoilers there

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Tuesday, 4 June 2013 21:39 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

While the barbeque’s host chatted with Platt about how excited he was to see the upcoming Superman movie, sources confirmed that all Platt could think about was the fact that his recently married sister was coming to town next weekend and was supposed to stay with him, which reminded him that he needed to clean his apartment, which reminded him he needed to buy extra bedding for his sister to sleep on, which reminded him that he had to make an after-work trip to Bed Bath & Beyond, which reminded him that he would be tired after work and wouldn’t want to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, which reminded him that he also needed to go to the grocery store because his sister would think he’s irresponsible if she saw his empty refrigerator, which reminded him that he and his sister aren’t as close as he’d like, which reminded him that his parents already had a house and two cars by the time they were his age, which reminded him that he’s been with his girlfriend for over five years and that while everything was going fairly well, he felt overwhelmed by the prospect of marriage and the mounting pressure to propose.
“Yeah, Man Of Steel looks good,” said a smiling Platt, who was only thinking about how he graduated from college over 10 years ago and still owed $86,000 in student loans. “Can’t wait to see it.”

― IM ME, I DO ME, AND I CHILL (CompuPost), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 00:24 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

That one is pretty much my life right now, hurrah.

― "Turkey In The Straw" coming from someplace in the clouds (Sparkle Motion), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 04:55 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

This thread becomes significantly less fun after I use up my 5 gratis pages. Is there some easy way round the onion's paywall?

― Random .mdb Memories (NotEnough), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 07:38 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Pay for it?

― Andrew Farrell, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 07:50 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Granted, that looks like easiest (and the snarkiest) solution.

― Random .mdb Memories (NotEnough), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 07:59 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

I didn't mean to be snarky, I just didn't understand why it wouldn't be the answer - if you are using it that much, and not using it is something you don't want to do, that's pretty much the sweet spot for 'pay for it'.

― Andrew Farrell, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 08:40 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

wait the onion has a paywall

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 08:52 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

for us benighted non-Americans, yes.

― Neil S, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:05 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

http://adblockplus.org

― oxygenating our wombspace (abanana), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:07 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

I've seen it pop up a couple of times but usually I seem to be immune to it xpost maybe that's why

― Just noise and screaming and no musical value at all. (Colonel Poo), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:10 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

tbf you only need to read the headline anyway

― ty based gay dead computer god (zachlyon), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:12 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Can someone explain what this one is satirising? idgi

http://www.theonion.com/articles/asian-guy-has-separate-group-of-just-asian-friends,32681/

― Just noise and screaming and no musical value at all. (Colonel Poo), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:14 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

tbf you only need to read the headline anyway

This has been increasingly not the case recently, which is what's led to me paying up.

― Andrew Farrell, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 09:25 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

You can bypass the Onion paywall by using incognito mode (in Chrome, or its equivalent in other browsers).

― Eyeball Kicks, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 11:24 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

xp I suppose 1 page view a week puts me over what the onion thinks they should be giving away for free. It just seems weird to pay for obvious, mediocre satire when I've got ILX for that.

― Random .mdb Memories (NotEnough), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 11:34 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Ah ha, cheers Eyeball.

― Random .mdb Memories (NotEnough), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 11:34 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Can someone explain what this one is satirising? idgi

http://www.theonion.com/articles/asian-guy-has-separate-group-of-just-asian-friends,32681/

― Just noise and screaming and no musical value at all. (Colonel Poo), Wednesday, June 5, 2013 5:14 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Its satirizing clueless ppl who see everything in racially tinged terms and also white ppl thinking that if they aren't invited to everything ever thats racism.

― stefon taylor swiftboat (s.clover), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 14:13 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

My Korean girlfriend kinda does this, though. Different circles of relationships are a thing. It's just not really that funny :/

― Millsner, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 15:38 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Couldn't tell you how often I notice myself hanging out with only white people.

― pplains, Wednesday, 5 June 2013 15:39 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

My Korean girlfriend kinda does this, though. Different circles of relationships are a thing. It's just not really that funny :/

― Millsner, Wednesday, June 5, 2013 11:38 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

right, its people being bothered by them thats funny

― stefon taylor swiftboat (s.clover), Wednesday, 5 June 2013 18:07 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-on-cusp-of-having-fun-remembers-every-single-o,32632/

― Evan, Friday, May 31, 2013 10:15 AM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

That made me want to cry for the rest of my life

― kinder, Friday, May 31, 2013 11:59 AM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ugh yeah pretty much

― some dude, Friday, May 31, 2013 12:04 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

had a real life version of this yesterday hanging out at a deck party when my dad called to talk about my money problems

― treeship journey to stars hollow (some dude), Monday, 10 June 2013 00:22 (1 week ago) Permalink

Really want to share this one on FB just to see the shitstorm it would start with my family.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nelson-mandela-admits-thoughts-prayers-of-millions,32853/

― This amigurumi Jamaican octopus is ready to chill with you (Phil D.), Tuesday, 18 June 2013 17:05 (2 days ago) Permalink

‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

― goole, Tuesday, 18 June 2013 18:00 (2 days ago) Permalink

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