― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.
― Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
but i still find them very funny
to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....
― ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink
― gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (3 years ago) Permalink
― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (3 years ago) Permalink
― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (3 years ago) Permalink
― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (3 years ago) Permalink
― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (3 years ago) Permalink
roffle
― Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (3 years ago) Permalink
― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (3 years ago) Permalink
― chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (3 years ago) Permalink
― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (3 years ago) Permalink
― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (3 years ago) Permalink
In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450
Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"
― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (3 years ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally
I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.
― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (2 years ago) Permalink
um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.
― darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (2 years ago) Permalink
True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.
― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (2 years ago) Permalink
i liked this one because is not jello a foods
[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]
― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (2 years ago) Permalink
I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.
― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (2 years ago) Permalink
a hrarf!
― G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (2 years ago) Permalink
I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.
― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (2 years ago) Permalink
I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.
― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (2 years ago) Permalink
who blames a puppy i am lerning better, promise the psyientests are teaching me
― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (2 years ago) Permalink
I didn't express myself very clearly.
Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919
― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (2 years ago) Permalink
okay that is awesome
― HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (2 years ago) Permalink
the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382
― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (2 years ago) Permalink
whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine
― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (2 years ago) Permalink
― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (2 years ago) Permalink
i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50
― rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (2 years ago) Permalink
They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.
― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (2 years ago) Permalink
― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (2 years ago) Permalink
One of my more flattering caricatures.
― Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (2 years ago) Permalink
Ha.
I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.
― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (2 years ago) Permalink
lol
― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (2 years ago) Permalink
I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
― James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (2 years ago) Permalink
― Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (2 years ago) Permalink
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?
― Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (2 years ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit
― El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (2 years ago) Permalink
― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (1 year ago) Permalink
Okay I gotta give 'em this -- go to the home page and click on the Op-Ed link for this piece:
"The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information
Dana Lechter"
― Ned Raggett, Thursday, 23 July 2009 19:55 (3 months ago) Permalink
I was waiting for these
― master of karate and friendship for everyone (musically), Thursday, 23 July 2009 20:52 (3 months ago) Permalink
i love this one
― master of karate and friendship for everyone (musically), Thursday, 23 July 2009 20:53 (3 months ago) Permalink
TV Listings »2009 World Series Of PokerESPN10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CSTThe Vietnamese guy with the upside-down sunglasses won't show his cards, drawing a passive-aggressive rant from the fat Lebanese guy with the headphones.
2009 World Series Of Poker
ESPN
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
The Vietnamese guy with the upside-down sunglasses won't show his cards, drawing a passive-aggressive rant from the fat Lebanese guy with the headphones.
― William Bloody Swygart, Sunday, 16 August 2009 00:43 (3 months ago) Permalink
Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care
― depressed is a hugoholic (sciolism), Saturday, 22 August 2009 20:49 (2 months ago) Permalink
Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta
― StanM, Friday, 28 August 2009 15:27 (2 months ago) Permalink
Ha! I just linked this on Facebook, right before I clicked on this thread. Big lol.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:41 (2 months ago) Permalink
― peter falk's panther burns (schlump), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:52 (2 months ago) Permalink
hahahahh
― Mad Men on the BBS (some dude), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:53 (2 months ago) Permalink
I love the Onion when it's dark. Because it's VERY dark.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:59 (2 months ago) Permalink
There tho, they simply do reportage
― Indiana Morbs and the Curse of the Ivy League Chorister (Dr Morbius), Friday, 28 August 2009 16:08 (2 months ago) Permalink
That's the dark part. :(
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Friday, 28 August 2009 16:12 (2 months ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore?utm_source=videoembed
― go Nick go! Scrub that paint! Scrub it!! Yeah!! (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 28 August 2009 17:54 (2 months ago) Permalink
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm
Two Bangladeshi newspapers have apologised after publishing an article taken from a satirical US website which claimed the Moon landings were faked.The Daily Manab Zamin said US astronaut Neil Armstrong had shocked a news conference by saying he now knew it had been an "elaborate hoax".Neither they nor the New Nation, which later picked up the story, realised the Onion was not a genuine news site.Both have now apologised to their readers for not checking the story."We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency."We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."The article said Mr Armstrong had told a news conference he had been "forced to reconsider every single detail of the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos and reading several blog posts" by a conspiracy theorist. "It took only a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realise I had been living a lie," the fake article "quoted" Mr Armstrong as saying.The made-up quote went on to say that although the journey had felt real, in fact "the entire thing was filmed on a sound stage, most likely in New Mexico"."I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."'Numerous hits'The story was published on the Onion's website on Monday and on Wednesday, the Daily Manab Zamin translated it into Bengali, attributing it to the Onion News Network in Lebanon, Ohio. It then ran in New Nation on Thursday.Daily Manab Zamin, the only tabloid newspaper in Bangladesh, published an apology to its readers on Thursday, saying the report had "drawn a lot of attention"."We've since learned that the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident," it said."The Moon landing one was such a story, which received numerous hits on the internet."The truth is that Neil Armstrong never gave such an interview. It was made up. We are sorry for publishing the report without checking the information."
The Daily Manab Zamin said US astronaut Neil Armstrong had shocked a news conference by saying he now knew it had been an "elaborate hoax".
Neither they nor the New Nation, which later picked up the story, realised the Onion was not a genuine news site.
Both have now apologised to their readers for not checking the story.
"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency.
"We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."
The article said Mr Armstrong had told a news conference he had been "forced to reconsider every single detail of the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos and reading several blog posts" by a conspiracy theorist.
"It took only a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realise I had been living a lie," the fake article "quoted" Mr Armstrong as saying.
The made-up quote went on to say that although the journey had felt real, in fact "the entire thing was filmed on a sound stage, most likely in New Mexico".
"I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."
'Numerous hits'
The story was published on the Onion's website on Monday and on Wednesday, the Daily Manab Zamin translated it into Bengali, attributing it to the Onion News Network in Lebanon, Ohio. It then ran in New Nation on Thursday.
Daily Manab Zamin, the only tabloid newspaper in Bangladesh, published an apology to its readers on Thursday, saying the report had "drawn a lot of attention".
"We've since learned that the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident," it said.
"The Moon landing one was such a story, which received numerous hits on the internet.
"The truth is that Neil Armstrong never gave such an interview. It was made up. We are sorry for publishing the report without checking the information."
― pfunkboy (Herman G. Neuname), Saturday, 5 September 2009 16:32 (2 months ago) Permalink
ha ha!
― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Saturday, 5 September 2009 17:20 (2 months ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/americans_observing_9_11_by?utm_source=onion_rss_daily
― Like BANG! Bust 'em in the wang like it aint no thang (a hoy hoy), Thursday, 10 September 2009 16:57 (2 months ago) Permalink
"the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident"
thats a rather quaint way of describing the Onion.
― Dearth Disco (Trayce), Thursday, 10 September 2009 23:19 (2 months ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/next_tarantino_movie_an_homage_to
"I really can't think of another living director who has made as large a contribution to the evolution of world cinema, and I feel it is my duty as a filmmaker to remind people of that."
― A Patch on Blazing Saddles (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, 15 September 2009 03:15 (2 months ago) Permalink
LOLLL @ "5,000 great places to spit"
― send a hilarious message or make a "wild" statement (Whitey on the Moon), Tuesday, 15 September 2009 03:23 (2 months ago) Permalink
Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection
― Eugene Sander-Rygar (MPx4A), Wednesday, 16 September 2009 13:45 (2 months ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/my_living_nightmare_of?utm_source=b-section
― StanM, Friday, 25 September 2009 15:23 (1 month ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nadir_of_western_civilization_to
WASHINGTON—An international panel of leading anthropologists, cultural critics, biologists, and social theorists announced this week that Western civilization will reach its lowest conceivable point at 3:32 p.m. Friday."From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils, culture has descended into a festering pool of mass ignorance," said Yale sociologist Paul Riordan, who has spent his career analyzing western civilization's fall into the depths of depravity. "If our calculations are correct, this complete erosion of all that is enlightened and unique will reach absolute rock bottom on the afternoon of Sept. 25, 2009." Added Riordan, "It is scientifically impossible for civilization to sink any lower than it will this Friday."The panel said the upcoming nadir will be precipitated by a string of smaller devastating events. At 9 p.m. Wednesday the ABC sitcom Modern Family will premiere, marking the least-inspired creative endeavor ever attempted by modern man. This will reportedly be followed at 12:52 p.m. Thursday by the release of a new energy drink marketed exclusively to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan.Experts predict that the penultimate catastrophe will occur at approximately 7:15 p.m. Thursday night, when the social networking tool Twitter will be used to communicate a series of ideas so banal they will instantaneously negate the three centuries of the Renaissance."The sciences, the arts, the humanities—all aspects of society as a whole will reach their respective low-points in just a matter of days," said anthropologist Robert Davidson, gesturing toward a nearby line graph illustrating western society's collapse. "We've been charting this cultural descent for generations now, from the advent of New Wave music, to the rise of scientific creationism, right through to the trampling death of several Wal-Mart greeters on the morning after Thanksgiving. Everything has been leading up to this Friday." According to the panel, the final event will occur at 3:32 p.m., when a tourist, believing the impressive structure to be a giant mall, will enter Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art, and, not finding what he is looking for, ask where "the damn Radio Shack is supposed to be." The man, dressed in Crocs and sweatpants and determined by researchers to be the final catalyst in humanity's epic downfall, will then loudly expel gas."This horrible but inevitable day has been a long time coming," said Davidson, before picking up a black marker and, seemingly without thought or intent, drawing a long, thick phallus on his chart. "And by the looks of things, it's almost here."Some analysts believe the coming cultural sinkhole—the most intellectually and spiritually degrading moment conceivable by science or philosophy—will signal the end of mankind's decay and lead to a steady upward climb. Still, they warned, the event itself could be catastrophically lowbrow. "With each passing minute, we're getting closer to a second Dark Ages," said noted art critic Mark Lefevre, tearing out pages from his report, folding each into a paper airplane, and tossing decades of hard work around the room. "Unless something is done to protect what little sophistication and refinement we have left, Western society may soon regress to a point of no return. We need to act, and act fast.""Come on," added the two-time MacArthur "genius grant" recipient, before stripping down to his undergarments and brandishing an automatic assault rifle. "Let's get 'er done!"Despite the panel's findings, many are skeptical that humanity will reach its lowest depths on Friday, claiming the humiliations are likely to continue as ever-smaller terrier breeds begin to outsmart their owners, and disgraced former congressman Tom DeLay appears in the new season of Dancing With The Stars. Most chillingly, many agreed, is that while Michael Crichton's death has been a positive step, Dan Brown remains very much alive. "We're talking about a society in which the name Newton is now more often associated with a fig-filled dessert than the scientist who revolutionized modern thought," biologist Howard Thurston said. "The human mind is endlessly inventive, and our species will always find new ways to completely discredit and embarrass itself." As of press time, boobs
― Henry Frog (Frogman Henry), Friday, 25 September 2009 15:34 (1 month ago) Permalink
omg boobs!
― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Friday, 25 September 2009 15:57 (1 month ago) Permalink
Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/breaking_news_series_of
― StanM, Tuesday, 29 September 2009 17:05 (1 month ago) Permalink
The scrolls at the bottom of the newscast are great.
― Bill Magill, Tuesday, 29 September 2009 17:34 (1 month ago) Permalink
this is great:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_god_had_wanted_me_to_be
― Darin, Tuesday, 13 October 2009 16:19 (1 month ago) Permalink
that is excellent. almost makes me wish i knew more and not less jane kendrickses, just to maximize the pleasure associated with sending this to them.
― iiiijjjj, Tuesday, 13 October 2009 17:24 (1 month ago) Permalink
Yeah, that piece is awesome
― kingfish, Wednesday, 14 October 2009 01:32 (1 month ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_dies_after_secret_4_year
― MPx4A, Monday, 26 October 2009 16:13 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
haha man that's great
― President Deez (some dude), Monday, 26 October 2009 16:39 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
awesome.
― FC Tom Tomsk Club (Merdeyeux), Monday, 26 October 2009 16:41 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.
― cialis morissette (goole), Monday, 26 October 2009 16:45 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
It's in the proud tradition of "Supreme Court Overturns Car".
― MPx4A, Monday, 26 October 2009 16:49 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/michael_vick_fails_to_inspire_team
― cee-u-en-tee (some dude), Monday, 26 October 2009 22:39 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/obamas_declaration_of_swine
― StanM, Wednesday, 28 October 2009 21:03 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
lol @ rush limbaugh
― (: (: (: (Curt1s Stephens), Wednesday, 28 October 2009 21:41 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/victim_in_fatal_car_accident
― smashing aspirant (milo z), Tuesday, 3 November 2009 06:25 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
"a good friend who hated glenn beck and loved to dance."
my housemate came out of her room and said 'why u be cackling'
― my bach penises and their contrapuntal technique (the table is the table), Tuesday, 3 November 2009 06:31 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
The phrase "Supreme Court Overturns Car" makes me laugh every single time I see it.
― adamj, Tuesday, 3 November 2009 10:06 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/united_airlines_exploring
― a 40-foot-long electrified pickle (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Tuesday, 3 November 2009 14:31 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
HAHAH.
"EMT Craig Anton was first on the scene.""I jumped out of the ambulance and I ran to the wreckage to make sure that the victim was still breathing or else was Glenn Beck."
― Adam Bruneau, Tuesday, 3 November 2009 17:08 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
Hahah yes "radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday" was hilarious.
― i obtain much semillon (Trayce), Tuesday, 3 November 2009 23:27 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
― Bobby Wo (max), Thursday, 5 November 2009 16:32 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/timeless_masterpiece_liked
― BIG STROON aka the santaclara drug (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 5 November 2009 16:36 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
― circa1916, Monday, 16 November 2009 19:18 (5 days ago) Permalink
The choice of Escondido as the setting = utterly OTM.
― Ned Raggett, Monday, 16 November 2009 19:27 (5 days ago) Permalink
― luol deng (am0n), Monday, 16 November 2009 19:32 (5 days ago) Permalink
― Darin, Friday, 20 November 2009 17:24 (Yesterday) Permalink
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_t
Love the presenters.
― Not the real Village People, Friday, 20 November 2009 19:44 (Yesterday) Permalink
My adolescence in a nutshell. (Warning: Plays audio.)
― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, 20 November 2009 21:11 (Yesterday) Permalink