God bless the goddamn Onion

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It suddenly occurred to me that they were finally going to update today, so I went. Jesus H., I do love those clowns.

Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

sexy answer to put this in the sexy dirty sex sex sex new answers.

Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Favor ite one from past

Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'd wondered how they would address this, and I have to say they got it right. It comes at the perfect time, too, when the feelings are still raw but laughter is possible. More than anything, it brings to light how instructive their humor is.

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Quite right. It's a hard thing to pull off, but I think they did it very well indeed. Taking the week off was the right thing to do, and it made everything just come across that much better, methinks.

Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Surprisingly unfunny. Or not surprisingly, I think. Seems so... average... in light of news coverage of minutae of recent events and span and style of already extant coverage.

Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

For the first time in a long time it is actually funny, even if they are wheeling out some of the tired old forl\mulas again. very well handled I think. Still not private eye though.

Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I thought it was v.good. Esp. the cake one - strangely poignant. And the 'Hell sources' phrase.

Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

One of the best pieces of commentary I've seen. Somehow, even while being totally tasteless and tacky and completely hypocritical (the Gen X bit), somehow it's the most spot on thing I've seen. I sent the bit about God clarifying His no-kill policy to my priest mum.

Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I LOVE the ''Terrorists surprized To Find Selves In Hell'' one. The Onion is genius.

rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

What is "private eye"?

Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

5 years pass...
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (3 years ago) Permalink

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (3 years ago) Permalink

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (3 years ago) Permalink

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (3 years ago) Permalink

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (3 years ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (3 years ago) Permalink

I remember going through that phase

Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (3 years ago) Permalink

we get print versions in la now btw!!

chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (3 years ago) Permalink

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (3 years ago) Permalink

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (3 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (3 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (2 years ago) Permalink

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (2 years ago) Permalink

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (2 years ago) Permalink

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (2 years ago) Permalink

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (2 years ago) Permalink

a hrarf!

G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (2 years ago) Permalink

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (2 years ago) Permalink

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (2 years ago) Permalink

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (2 years ago) Permalink

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (2 years ago) Permalink

okay that is awesome

HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (2 years ago) Permalink

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (2 years ago) Permalink

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (2 years ago) Permalink

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (2 years ago) Permalink

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (2 years ago) Permalink

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (2 years ago) Permalink

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (2 years ago) Permalink

lol

Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (2 years ago) Permalink

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about

James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (2 years ago) Permalink

Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (2 years ago) Permalink


who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (2 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (1 year ago) Permalink

Okay I gotta give 'em this -- go to the home page and click on the Op-Ed link for this piece:

"The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information

Dana Lechter"

Ned Raggett, Thursday, 23 July 2009 19:55 (3 months ago) Permalink

I was waiting for these

master of karate and friendship for everyone (musically), Thursday, 23 July 2009 20:52 (3 months ago) Permalink

i love this one

master of karate and friendship for everyone (musically), Thursday, 23 July 2009 20:53 (3 months ago) Permalink

3 weeks pass...

TV Listings »

2009 World Series Of Poker

ESPN

10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

The Vietnamese guy with the upside-down sunglasses won't show his cards, drawing a passive-aggressive rant from the fat Lebanese guy with the headphones.

William Bloody Swygart, Sunday, 16 August 2009 00:43 (3 months ago) Permalink

Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

StanM, Friday, 28 August 2009 15:27 (2 months ago) Permalink

Ha! I just linked this on Facebook, right before I clicked on this thread. Big lol.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:41 (2 months ago) Permalink

peter falk's panther burns (schlump), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:52 (2 months ago) Permalink

hahahahh

Mad Men on the BBS (some dude), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:53 (2 months ago) Permalink

I love the Onion when it's dark. Because it's VERY dark.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Friday, 28 August 2009 15:59 (2 months ago) Permalink

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

There tho, they simply do reportage

Indiana Morbs and the Curse of the Ivy League Chorister (Dr Morbius), Friday, 28 August 2009 16:08 (2 months ago) Permalink

That's the dark part. :(

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Friday, 28 August 2009 16:12 (2 months ago) Permalink

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm

Two Bangladeshi newspapers have apologised after publishing an article taken from a satirical US website which claimed the Moon landings were faked.

The Daily Manab Zamin said US astronaut Neil Armstrong had shocked a news conference by saying he now knew it had been an "elaborate hoax".

Neither they nor the New Nation, which later picked up the story, realised the Onion was not a genuine news site.

Both have now apologised to their readers for not checking the story.

"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency.

"We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."

The article said Mr Armstrong had told a news conference he had been "forced to reconsider every single detail of the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos and reading several blog posts" by a conspiracy theorist.

"It took only a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realise I had been living a lie," the fake article "quoted" Mr Armstrong as saying.

The made-up quote went on to say that although the journey had felt real, in fact "the entire thing was filmed on a sound stage, most likely in New Mexico".

"I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."

'Numerous hits'

The story was published on the Onion's website on Monday and on Wednesday, the Daily Manab Zamin translated it into Bengali, attributing it to the Onion News Network in Lebanon, Ohio. It then ran in New Nation on Thursday.

Daily Manab Zamin, the only tabloid newspaper in Bangladesh, published an apology to its readers on Thursday, saying the report had "drawn a lot of attention".

"We've since learned that the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident," it said.

"The Moon landing one was such a story, which received numerous hits on the internet.

"The truth is that Neil Armstrong never gave such an interview. It was made up. We are sorry for publishing the report without checking the information."

pfunkboy (Herman G. Neuname), Saturday, 5 September 2009 16:32 (2 months ago) Permalink

ha ha!

The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Saturday, 5 September 2009 17:20 (2 months ago) Permalink

"the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident"

thats a rather quaint way of describing the Onion.

Dearth Disco (Trayce), Thursday, 10 September 2009 23:19 (2 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/next_tarantino_movie_an_homage_to

"I really can't think of another living director who has made as large a contribution to the evolution of world cinema, and I feel it is my duty as a filmmaker to remind people of that."

A Patch on Blazing Saddles (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, 15 September 2009 03:15 (2 months ago) Permalink

LOLLL @ "5,000 great places to spit"

send a hilarious message or make a "wild" statement (Whitey on the Moon), Tuesday, 15 September 2009 03:23 (2 months ago) Permalink

Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection

Eugene Sander-Rygar (MPx4A), Wednesday, 16 September 2009 13:45 (2 months ago) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nadir_of_western_civilization_to

WASHINGTON—An international panel of leading anthropologists, cultural critics, biologists, and social theorists announced this week that Western civilization will reach its lowest conceivable point at 3:32 p.m. Friday.
"From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils, culture has descended into a festering pool of mass ignorance," said Yale sociologist Paul Riordan, who has spent his career analyzing western civilization's fall into the depths of depravity. "If our calculations are correct, this complete erosion of all that is enlightened and unique will reach absolute rock bottom on the afternoon of Sept. 25, 2009."
Added Riordan, "It is scientifically impossible for civilization to sink any lower than it will this Friday."
The panel said the upcoming nadir will be precipitated by a string of smaller devastating events.
At 9 p.m. Wednesday the ABC sitcom Modern Family will premiere, marking the least-inspired creative endeavor ever attempted by modern man. This will reportedly be followed at 12:52 p.m. Thursday by the release of a new energy drink marketed exclusively to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Experts predict that the penultimate catastrophe will occur at approximately 7:15 p.m. Thursday night, when the social networking tool Twitter will be used to communicate a series of ideas so banal they will instantaneously negate the three centuries of the Renaissance.
"The sciences, the arts, the humanities—all aspects of society as a whole will reach their respective low-points in just a matter of days," said anthropologist Robert Davidson, gesturing toward a nearby line graph illustrating western society's collapse. "We've been charting this cultural descent for generations now, from the advent of New Wave music, to the rise of scientific creationism, right through to the trampling death of several Wal-Mart greeters on the morning after Thanksgiving. Everything has been leading up to this Friday."
According to the panel, the final event will occur at 3:32 p.m., when a tourist, believing the impressive structure to be a giant mall, will enter Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art, and, not finding what he is looking for, ask where "the damn Radio Shack is supposed to be."
The man, dressed in Crocs and sweatpants and determined by researchers to be the final catalyst in humanity's epic downfall, will then loudly expel gas.
"This horrible but inevitable day has been a long time coming," said Davidson, before picking up a black marker and, seemingly without thought or intent, drawing a long, thick phallus on his chart. "And by the looks of things, it's almost here."
Some analysts believe the coming cultural sinkhole—the most intellectually and spiritually degrading moment conceivable by science or philosophy—will signal the end of mankind's decay and lead to a steady upward climb. Still, they warned, the event itself could be catastrophically lowbrow.
"With each passing minute, we're getting closer to a second Dark Ages," said noted art critic Mark Lefevre, tearing out pages from his report, folding each into a paper airplane, and tossing decades of hard work around the room. "Unless something is done to protect what little sophistication and refinement we have left, Western society may soon regress to a point of no return. We need to act, and act fast."
"Come on," added the two-time MacArthur "genius grant" recipient, before stripping down to his undergarments and brandishing an automatic assault rifle. "Let's get 'er done!"
Despite the panel's findings, many are skeptical that humanity will reach its lowest depths on Friday, claiming the humiliations are likely to continue as ever-smaller terrier breeds begin to outsmart their owners, and disgraced former congressman Tom DeLay appears in the new season of Dancing With The Stars.
Most chillingly, many agreed, is that while Michael Crichton's death has been a positive step, Dan Brown remains very much alive.
"We're talking about a society in which the name Newton is now more often associated with a fig-filled dessert than the scientist who revolutionized modern thought," biologist Howard Thurston said. "The human mind is endlessly inventive, and our species will always find new ways to completely discredit and embarrass itself."
As of press time, boobs

Henry Frog (Frogman Henry), Friday, 25 September 2009 15:34 (1 month ago) Permalink

omg boobs!

The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Friday, 25 September 2009 15:57 (1 month ago) Permalink

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/breaking_news_series_of

StanM, Tuesday, 29 September 2009 17:05 (1 month ago) Permalink

The scrolls at the bottom of the newscast are great.

Bill Magill, Tuesday, 29 September 2009 17:34 (1 month ago) Permalink

this is great:

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_god_had_wanted_me_to_be

Darin, Tuesday, 13 October 2009 16:19 (1 month ago) Permalink

that is excellent. almost makes me wish i knew more and not less jane kendrickses, just to maximize the pleasure associated with sending this to them.

iiiijjjj, Tuesday, 13 October 2009 17:24 (1 month ago) Permalink

Yeah, that piece is awesome

kingfish, Wednesday, 14 October 2009 01:32 (1 month ago) Permalink

haha man that's great

President Deez (some dude), Monday, 26 October 2009 16:39 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

awesome.

FC Tom Tomsk Club (Merdeyeux), Monday, 26 October 2009 16:41 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

cialis morissette (goole), Monday, 26 October 2009 16:45 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

It's in the proud tradition of "Supreme Court Overturns Car".

MPx4A, Monday, 26 October 2009 16:49 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

lol @ rush limbaugh

(: (: (: (Curt1s Stephens), Wednesday, 28 October 2009 21:41 (3 weeks ago) Permalink

"a good friend who hated glenn beck and loved to dance."

my housemate came out of her room and said 'why u be cackling'

my bach penises and their contrapuntal technique (the table is the table), Tuesday, 3 November 2009 06:31 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

The phrase "Supreme Court Overturns Car" makes me laugh every single time I see it.

adamj, Tuesday, 3 November 2009 10:06 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

HAHAH.

"EMT Craig Anton was first on the scene."
"I jumped out of the ambulance and I ran to the wreckage to make sure that the victim was still breathing or else was Glenn Beck."

Adam Bruneau, Tuesday, 3 November 2009 17:08 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Hahah yes "radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday" was hilarious.

i obtain much semillon (Trayce), Tuesday, 3 November 2009 23:27 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Bobby Wo (max), Thursday, 5 November 2009 16:32 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

The choice of Escondido as the setting = utterly OTM.

Ned Raggett, Monday, 16 November 2009 19:27 (5 days ago) Permalink

luol deng (am0n), Monday, 16 November 2009 19:32 (5 days ago) Permalink

Darin, Friday, 20 November 2009 17:24 (Yesterday) Permalink

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_t

Love the presenters.

Not the real Village People, Friday, 20 November 2009 19:44 (Yesterday) Permalink

My adolescence in a nutshell. (Warning: Plays audio.)

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, 20 November 2009 21:11 (Yesterday) Permalink


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