I AM THE AMAZING RANDY

they are named "Amazing Randy Left" and "Amazing Randy Right".

they will someday (soon?) be responsible for either degrading a female in a mass bukkake exercise, passing on my genetic material to some lucky winner, or the cause of me having to pay $300/month in some crazy paternity suit.

http://www.skytrix.net/images/randy2.jpg
this is.

http://www.mkoc.com/Links/images/randystafford.jpg
or this.

http://www.pub.umich.edu/daily/1998/feb/02-11-98/photos/randi.gif
Or this even.

which is fine, cuz then you'd have Ming the Merciless eyebrows.

OH, HOW the interweb can be used for LIES!

God now I'm going to have to watch that movie tonight. That's like my favorite movie ever, honestly. "Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman."

"MERRRRRYYY CHRISTMASSS!"

"NOOOOOO!!!"

The best part about the DVD is the commentary. It's just like Tim Burton sitting there, laughing at his own jokes.

For like 2 hours!!! Actually about 35% of the time he's just silent.

Matt & Trey and everybody who made the film sit around in Trey's living room and get drunk while watching the movie. at one point, they start throwing things at each other, then get bored and eventually start talking about going to the titty bar.

then you can hear one of them go into the kitchen and call a cab to take them to the titty bar.

"oh yeah, we still have like 10 minutes of the movie left. we should talk about this."

"fuck that! titty bar!"

Swan:
[slow] Sometimes... the world is black, and tears run from your eyes
And maybe we'll all get... really sick. And maybe we'll all die...Soooooooooooooooooooo...

[fast] Let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend.
We can name him Tom, we can name him George.
We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall.

Snowman!

He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view!
If you build me a snowman, then I'll build one for you!
So, let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend.

We can name him Bob, or we can name him Beowulf.
We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall.

Snowman!
Hey!
He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view!
If you build me a snowman, then I'll build one for you!
Snowmaaan!
Snowmaaan!
Snowmaaan!

[...]

Let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend.
We can name him Shannon! Shannon Wilson Bell

["shut the fuck up, swan!"]

We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall- [*bang!*]

Hey, I wonder how he was tap dancing?

Oh it's in color
Your hair is brown
Your eyes are hazel
And soft as clouds
I often kiss you when there's no one else around

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of you over myself
I asked the doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and
turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of them over myself
I want the doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and
turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark
Everyone around me is a total stranger
Everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
Everyone

That's why I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I
really think so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
(think so think so think so)
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

(One, two, three?)
Four little songs...
It would make us happy if you sang along.

ONE: Do you like it? I like it.
You were good, you were shrapnel, quick.
But your knife blade wouldn't stick.
A tool is a weapon when a love goes sick.
You were bored of me...

Three little songs...
We make them up as we go along.

TWO: This lady's shaped like the Tour de France.
A thousand wheels besieged the city of romance.
The cigarettes all burn like hay (hey! hey!).
A yellow jersey stained red, cabernet.

Two little songs...
Chorus-Verse, and you can't go wrong.

THREE: Huge creatures plowing the streets tonight, right, right.
Ruin an ambush, set the sky alight, light, light.
On the carousel (of life)...

One little song...
Just one more part then we'll move along.

FOUR: (Strange men, as strong as bears and as fierce as wolves.
Hungry men, hungry for the skins of beaver and mink and otter.)
I had a dream I stood in Neil Young's kitchen.
He looked superior, and I felt like retching.
I said I had to go away.
He said, "No you must obey
The laws of the universe,
And the laws of the second verse.
You're only as good as your last song.
It's better to burn-out than to be proven wrong.
Your voice will sound like a giant gong."
I cracked my fingers and my brain goes...
(Goo goo goo goo goo, yeah yeah.)

(Four, three? two, one...)
No little songs...
We made them all up and now they're gone.

Humphrey: You guys, I just thought of something, too. [Packer looks at Miller]
Miller: What?
Humphrey: Okay, now remember when Swan was building that snowman?
Miners: [murmuring] Yeah
Humphrey: How the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?
Noon: You just now thought of that?
Humphrey: It's pretty fuckin' weird, isn't it? [Bell lunges at him and takes him down.]
Bell: Goddamnit, you fuckin' moron! [throws punches at him]
Noon: You know, Packer, because of you I am never gonna get laid!

full script found here. be sure to use it for only evil purposes, annoying your co-workers, etc.

http://www.flyfilmfestival.com/images/rerun-images/cannibal%20150.jpg

alas.

This speech is my recital I think it's very vital
To rock (a rhyme) that's right (on time)
It's Tricky is the title (here we go)...
It's Tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's
right on time
It's Tricky...it's Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky)
It's Tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's
right on time
It's Tricky...Tr tr tr tricky (Tricky)
Trrrrrrrrrrricky

Love,

H. B-C

http://images.usatoday.com/news/_photos/2001-07-22-apes2.jpg

Hello, my friends.
My name is Onilley McNoan--to me.
I went to war on the Caroline.
Remember from that other song?
Well?
There the author got it wrong.
Survive did I--I did not drown.
I lived on Turtle Isle.

I jumped the Caroline
For she'd been had by Neptune.
Gadungder burped the sea;
Now coral grows inside her hull.

Me and Jim, my lifeboat friend--
Strips of flesh torn from his limbs.
Well, Chicken Jimmy kept me alive.
(Though wasn't much for conversation.)
Life-boat this and life-boat that;
For days and days I fought the waves
And landed on an open beach of gold and blue.

I picked myself up off the sand.
I Hauled my body onto the land
And from the jungle there they stand...
They layered colors on my face and on my arms.
Hornbills squawked; I fed on fruit and wild boar.
I showed them guns and taught them how to sing Lang Syne,
And everyone was happy.

She was the queen with funny teeth.
She tried to hide them underneath
Her dainty hands and nervous lips.
Though I could not tell her so,
She was the one who kept me breathing.
While the wild volcanoes flared.
She told me I was sick with pride--
All pumped up and sentimental.

The sky grew dark with ash,
And powder settled on the water.
Gadungder burped the sea
And funnels spiralled down to take her.
I climbed the highest tree
And from the sky I heard her call.

From this dream--as I awoke--
I could have sworn that Jimmy spoke,
But it was probably just the boat.

Some sailors never die.
I woke up under an ocean sky
With a pile of bones laying at my side.

One afternoon, four thousand men died in the water here
Five hundred more were thrashing madly as parasites might in you blood
Now I was in lifeboat designed for ten and ten and only,
Anything that systematic would get you hated.
It's not a deal nor a test nor a love of something fated.
The selection was quick, the crew was picked and
those left in the water got kicked off our pant leg and we headed for home.

Then the dream ends when the phone rings
You doing alright he said it's out there ,most days and nights
But only a fool would complain
Anyway Susan if you like our conversation is as faint as the sound in my memory
As those fingernails scratching on the hull.

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

Oh Elcid Barrett cried the town,
I wish I were in Sherbrooke now!
For twenty brave men, all fishermen, who
Would make for him the Antelope's crew,

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

The Antelope sloop was a sickening sight.
She'd a list to port and her sails in rags,
And a cook in the scuppers with staggers and jags.

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

On the King's birthday we put to sea.
We were ninety-one days to Montego bay,
Pumping like madmen all the way.

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

On the ninety-sixth day we sailed again.
When a bloody great Yankee hove in sight
With our cracked four-pounders we made to fight

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

The Yankee lay low down with gold.
She was broad and fat and loose in stays,
But to catch her took the Antelope two whole days

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

Then at length we stood two cables away.
Our cracked four-pounders made an awful din,
But with one fat ball the Yank stove us in.

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

The Antelope shook and pitched on her side.
Barrett was smashed like a bowl of eggs,
And the maintruck carried off both me legs.

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

So here I lay in my twenty-third year.
It's been six years since we sailed away,
And I just made Halifax yesterday.

God Damn them all! I was told
We'd cruise the seas for American gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.

What's your female address?

IMPOSTERS ALL!!!

cryingeagle.gif

Those were the days, my friend. We thought they'd never end.