My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

"Steel Traps Don't Have Minds: Sharpen Your Mental Acuity in Five Minutes A Day"

this thread is sitcom GOLD

Matos, did your mom have abusive/neglectful parents herself?

My mom (lesbian) had a pot-head neglectful/abusive girlfriend for most of my childhood and always wondered why my mom was with her. She competed with us kids the way Chris did and took chances to berate us. She wouldn't answer the phone when we called for rides from town 10 miles away waiting in the cold and wouldn't let us have any of our things in the living room and smoked pot constantly and gave us shit for "wasting water" when we showered every day and constantly told us that if it weren't for us she and my mom would be happy and even though she was potsmoking and unemployed, constantly mentioned that we kids weren't bringing in an income and were draining the house resources (my mom supported all of us).

Then later I found myself dating pothead loser guys that reminded me of her, as if I could make them better and heal the wrong that was my parents' relationship. Sorry, not a funny comment, just to address the recurring question of why she was with him. Why do people stay with assholes? Because they want to fix some damage or something. Because they're young. Lots of reasons.

Anyway, glad you turned out okay. And your sisters/his spawn are okay, too? Man! Sorry to hear about your little brother.

It's 4 am and I had to finish up some work for a Eurodeadline and should be sleeping. I think I'll dream of a character who's part Chris, part Ed from t.v., part Sher (my mom's ex) and part the step-dad from Slingblade.

Gee, Maltos

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said"

Hah - this is so OTM! I think Matos is sitting on a goldmine here.

Maltos Liquor

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

Maltos: the lolmaker

where Richfield ended and Bloomington began

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

way otm

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

Actually the Friday the 13th/Halloween story is probably the late victor in this thread. So far.

Addendum to the various stupid nicknames detailed above: my grandfather, Pito, was known in the Chris-lexicon as "Pito the Mosquito." I don't get it, either.

It rhymes, which is usually enough for a nickname.

More stories, please! This thread pretty much makes my day every time it's revived, and I could really use it this week.

yea! this thread's pretty special, cause it was the first thread i read on ile, after discovering and posting on ilm first.

"I can't make my face turn into a heart."

So classic.

i can only imagine matt dillon saying that, shortly before punching someone.

(ps dear this thread I LOVE YOU)

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

yaay!

Oh, how I love this thread!

Poor Matos...poor, poor Matos...

I was trying to figure out where I got "You lie like a kite!" from.

Hahaha -- ILX, contributor to/warper of vocabularies.

I was trying to figure out where I got "You lie like a kite!" from.

-- HI DERE, Tuesday, June 3, 2008 3:45 PM (32 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

i said this to my sister the other day and she was like, "what?" and i had to pretend she'd misheard me :-/

So THIS is the origin of that old "turn my face into a heart" meme. No one was ever able to tell me that.

Hahah, one mystery less.

It's like I've found some kind of ILX wormhole.

If, when I die, St. Peter questions me about all the time I wasted on ILX, I'll at least be able to point this thread, and I'll still be laughing as I roast in hell.

st peter hangs out in heaven

at the gate, silly

WOW... Jesus Chris T, this is unbelievable! I will now go to sleep dreaming about heart turning faces

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:13 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

It's a really old hacky Polish joke.

39. My mother is six months pregnant and standing on a chair painting above the kitchen cupboards. Chris is sitting on his ass drinking a beer. She finishes and steps down. Chris: "You missed a spot."

;_;

christ, I love this thread, glad to see it pop up again.

kind of reminds me of the stories of davesecretary, which I don't think I've seen around here... I'll post a few, they're all caps because they need to be.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 am
EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

amazing thread

maybe it was actually

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX2DZWtHd2o&feature=player_embedded

"hey jude" is terrible even with the happy hardcore treatment.

It was "Don't look back in Anger" right?

I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

I realize that Chris' statement is couched in a long string of terrible behavior, but I have probably said something as dumb as "I can't turn my face into a heart " when arguing with my wife, if I was really tired or something.

in another context it could be kinda sweetly sad!

In the context I'm imagining that it would indeed sound stupid. I get terribly incoherent when I'm tired.

But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.

I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.

"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"

"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.

He can't change his face into a hearat.

There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?