My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

Brittany looked him in the eye and said, "I'd like to see you try it."

Alex ran into the next room, crying "Mom! He really does say those stupid things!"

"You know, you're getting to the age where you're starting to like girls." [Uh-oh. Are we there yet?] "And pretty soon, you're going to start dating. And, well, you gotta be careful. Because you never know what'll happen. I mean, who knows? You might meet a woman, and start going out, and fall in love, and have kids, and get married, and get separated, and get divorced, and end up paying fucking CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!."

The next day, he and Mike, this guy who lived down the hall and regularly beat his wife and stepson, went out to the apartment parking lot to wash the car, this time sans soap. I said, "Can I help you guys?"

"No," said Chris. "That's all right. Washing a car is a man's job!" And he and Mike high-fived.

Keep em coming, this is really cool, in a disturbing sort of fashion.

Chris stormed out of the bedroom, where he spent most of his time surrounded by pot smoke. He had recently gotten the Fuddruckers job, and to celebrate had gone to the grocery store and bought some lunch foods that he kept in a separate compartment of the refrigerator and cupboards. I had then been treated to a guided tour, during which Chris pointed out which foods I was allowed to touch and which I was to leave alone. (He didn't actually buy us food--mom fed me, herself, and my brother Jake, then a baby and now deceased, on food stamps, while he kept his job money to himself.)

Now, with my uncles there, he yelled at my mom: "If they use any of the food I bought for work I'm not buying any diapers for the baby!"

James and Bob took one look at each other and ran into the kitchen as fast as humanly possible, prepared themselves a dozen sandwiches, packed them in plastic bags and said, "Thanks, Lorie!" Chris grumbled "fuck you!" and stormed out of the house.

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/

My parents got divorced the summer after my senior year of high school....which means it was close to eight years ago. Dad and Mom separated long before then, of course, and Dad went to live with a woman he'd been counseling who had an apartment in her basement.

Before this had all fallen out, my sister and I had babysat the woman's kids--they knew and trusted us, and we got on well with them. We babysat the kids again at some point after the separation. As the youngest girl led me upstairs to a large double-bed in the attic, I asked "Who sleeps here?" "Mom and Steve," she replied guilelessly.

I kept that secret behind my teeth until well after the divorce was over. I know adultery might not sound like much to you, but my dad was a pastor and I trusted him to know better.

Dad, if you're reading this, you disappointed me so deeply when I heard that.

Matos, best thread ever, btw.

A very stupid comment on his part, one he'd regret that soon enough. Putting aside the welfare of the kid, a baby without a supply of diapers is an absolute menace.

He once nailed our woodpile together.

(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)

This one made me choke!

Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.

"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."

(J.Lu, see next entry)

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."

His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"

No no no, a Fox sitcom!

I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.

WOW... Jesus Chris T, this is unbelievable! I will now go to sleep dreaming about heart turning faces

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:13 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

It's a really old hacky Polish joke.

39. My mother is six months pregnant and standing on a chair painting above the kitchen cupboards. Chris is sitting on his ass drinking a beer. She finishes and steps down. Chris: "You missed a spot."

;_;

christ, I love this thread, glad to see it pop up again.

kind of reminds me of the stories of davesecretary, which I don't think I've seen around here... I'll post a few, they're all caps because they need to be.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 am
EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

amazing thread

maybe it was actually

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX2DZWtHd2o&feature=player_embedded

"hey jude" is terrible even with the happy hardcore treatment.

It was "Don't look back in Anger" right?

I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

I realize that Chris' statement is couched in a long string of terrible behavior, but I have probably said something as dumb as "I can't turn my face into a heart " when arguing with my wife, if I was really tired or something.

in another context it could be kinda sweetly sad!

In the context I'm imagining that it would indeed sound stupid. I get terribly incoherent when I'm tired.

But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.

I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.

"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"

"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.

He can't change his face into a hearat.

There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?

I just read this thread for the first time. Chris is my new god.

i had a burger at fuddrucker's today and couldn't stop thinking about this thread.

I've never seen this thread before but it's tremendous

It is exceptionally essential.

Revive in honor of Father's Day!

hahaha

much love, Matos.

Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.

My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.

Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.

ty, this was special

all-time

For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y

Just doin' my civic duty.

----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally

best thread

You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:
2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."

If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)

His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.

Oh yes of course.

This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!

all-time

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

still classic

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.

"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.

yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.

my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.

anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)