A job too terrible to contemplate

One of my friends was needling me on Facebook about jobs I would be fundamentally unsuited for given my temperament, which made me ask myself "What is a job, real or imagined, that I seriously could not fathom myself doing under any circumstance?" I came up with one; I am wondering if others can come up with their own.

ftr the job I came up with was "taste-tester at the Hellman's plant", just to maximize ILX-ness

stool sample tester

fatberg disposal

youtube censor

melania

stool sample tester

is this also at the Hellman's plant or

White House spokesperson

below-the-line comments moderator (fatberg disposal tomayto tomahto)

I wouldn't go back to dildo sales

I wouldn't go back to 3rd party IT support.

Lol i do that know so we can infer dildo sales rank lower, tho admittedly I'm paid 3x now and am somewhat more interested in taking work home

fluffer

musician :(

unless I also magically had talent. "anyone can play guitar!" only goes so far.

kill-shelter intake department

I don't know, I'd put dildo sales above 3rd party IT support and below in house IT support (my current job). Actually, let me break that down further:
in house 2nd line IT support >>> in house 1st line IT support >>> dildo sales >>>>>>>>>> 3rd party 2nd line IT support >>> 3rd party 1st line IT support (imagine a 50/50 chance of picking up a continuously ringing phone only for the person on the other end to start swearing at you before you've even said "hello")

Mental health crisis line staffer

Salesman

Trauma nurse

xp (and I'm not sure about the relative placements of in house 1st line IT support and dildo sales - they might be the other way around)

Machine shop line worker(my summer job when I was 19)

picking up trash in an area
supermarket checker
fast food prep
telemarketing

oooooohhhhhhhh yes... B2B telesales (did this for a few months ~20 years old)

house-bashing
crop-picking
shit-shovelling
'barrow-pushing

^^
all really good jobs in the current market

ilx mod

i dunno, would there be dental

RealDoll repairman

Posts out of order

Ipecac sampler

miner

Yeah good serious answer

cop

Assistant to George Lucas

sailor

truck driver

Wichita lineman

waiter, bar person.

xp but it's a steady job, because he's still on the line...

ice thug

first job i had was a deep fryer at KFC, lasted about two days. that would be a job i wouldn't be able to cope taking again.

deli at Albertsons was my least fav. it was a second job, the 'training' consisted of them showing me where the beef slicer was and where all the food was, and ten minutes later saying "put on an apron, you learn by doing!". second shift, the manager put me with her sister, a former employee who hadn't been there in a year.

I quit the next week.

Wichita lineman

Past life, I'm convinced. There is a bronze statue of me in a building near my work. I've never met Glen Campbell though.

thing-lifter

wow thread of first world problems

you people should all be ashamed of yourselves

I wouldn't go back to dildo sales

― brat_stuntin (darraghmac), Friday, March 17, 2017 4:29 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

tbh it's really not that bad

not that hard at all

Sanitation

For me, anything having to do with retail sales, or requiring extensive interaction with the general public. Telemarketing seems especially soul-sucking to me.

Strangely, I did just fine with driving a school bus for six years, mainly because I drove the same kids every day and stayed on the same route for five of those six years.

i can contemplate it and even think i might be good at it in tiny doses, but i'm somewhat in awe of teachers

I used to work at a commercial laundry. checked in dirty hotel & ~nursing home~ laundry for a day & it was a job i was ill-suited for on two counts

a) i had to keep stopping to go the bathroom to throw up

b) the sheets had to be sorted by color code - blue (king) red (twin) and green (single). guess who's color blind.

srsly, one of the worst jobs on the planet

a different bookstore, over the course of years, had a customer periodically leave turds behind books. they called him (and you know it was a dude) the phantom shitter

Have had two separate shitsmearing gigs and one fast food gig that essentially entailed vending of same does that count

jim in vancouver, yr experience of working in a call centre rings a lot of (bad) bells for me too

Warehousing was vastly better. I think the key thing was, yes the physical pressure obviously went up a lot because you have to move heavy stuff around all day - you feel knackered by the end of it. But then you go home, have proper sleep, wake up actually feeling refreshed

And no 'targets', none of that absolute shit of 'targets', only an expectation to throw as much effort in as the next guy

"having worked in a bookstore with a public bathroom, it is really mindboggling how common the shit-smearing thing is"

this is often really old people.

definitely miner for me. or maybe underwater miner. 2nd choice would be any kind of unsolicited in-person sales. like the people who come in my store who try to sell me stuff and who seem to be half a step removed from career criminal status. career criminal would be my third choice. so much stress and you know that eventually you are going to jail.

but being a full-time hospital custodian definitely made me realize that there is a LOT of unpleasant stuff i can withstand for a paycheck.

Oh oh oh

Music 'writer'

it's just craic

Telesales.

It's all just a bit of craic until somebody uses an ipod

it's a good day to learn what craic means! i don't think i've ever seen it before.

how did i miss craic all these years?

Nah you've been having it I'd say it's not strictly necessary to name it or anything, perhaps you've been calling it japes or larks or something

Ditch digger.

so the irish got it from the english but its not connected to "cracking"? very interesting....

i know very little about ireland...

Steady there, the Irish don't like to give the English credit for anything.

You're not allowed to say that tbh we don't like it

xp otm

yeah, i figured...

one of my great-grandfathers actually came from cork to mine coal in kentucky. maybe that's where i get my mine-fear from.

my uncle is (protestant) irish and weirdly approaching 90. he's more or less what you might imagine james bond at 88

last time i saw him i noted that william trevor had died; he was all like yeah i knew that dude at trinity -- he was a prick

It's a small.country and trinity in the 50s was doubtless particularly so

he also told a story of how during the war he and his younger brother just split for months at a time, riding their bikes all over the country. he's a fascinating guy for that and other reasons

having worked in a bookstore with a public bathroom, it is really mindboggling how common the shit-smearing thing is

I worked in a bookstore downtown in a big city--so pretty much the only public toilet available. A huge percentage of employee time was involved in waiting for paramedics to cart away the latest OD victim in the bathroom stall.

yeah i feel like call center work would be the worst, just people basically telling you to fuck off all day long

xp. had a buddy who worked in a borders books and apparently multiple times they had to call the cops because dudes would just start jacking it in the erotica section

meter person. putting tickets on cars all day. everyone hates you every day. and you get yelled at by strangers every day.

xpost We had a guy jacking it in the Kids books section.

a guy actually started to scan pages from a copy of the kama sutra i had in the store. with a portable scanner. into his laptop.

a friend worked at a mortgage call center, but he was doing outgoing calls and it was only to the most delinquent accounts. the point was to see if they could negotiate some sort of payment plan, and he was good at it, but the higher up you were in the department, the more dire the calls

it was never "I'm unemployed," it was always some variation of "I'm caring for my wife, who is dying of cancer, and we're about to go bankrupt from medical bills, and we have nowhere to stay"

he lasted much longer than I would have

telemarketing. once i got a job doing this and left after 30 minutes

I worked in a center for 1.5 years before I got promoted and usually was able to set aside my personal feelings about what was being described to me for the caller's sake, but there was one where I needed a ten minute break where this very sick elderly lady was finding out from me how ridiculously expensive her retiree coverage was going to be and just started bawling. (mostly upset because one of my idiot co-workers had mistakenly told her it'd be free, doubly cruel).

telemarketing. once i got a job doing this and left after 30 minutes

same, but it was after like two hours, on my first break. after a week of training, i felt i owed them that much.

There are a looooooot of convenience stores around here that I think would qualify.

aw telemarketing is fine if you're young enough

Actually I suppose I mostly worked in surveys not scamming ppl

Pretty much anything in the medical field where I'd be exposed to shit, piss or vomit. Blood is not exactly fine but I could deal with it. Cleaning up another human's diarrhea, I'd rather starve to death.

Or anything outside of the medical field where I'd be exposed to those things (ie childcare), for that matter. Go ahead and add semen to the list in case any jizz-mopping jobs open up near me.

j-i-z-z m-o-p-p
jiz mop

GG Allin stage manager

1. anything involving the regular handling of corpses
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lookout or any kind of guard duty; I've done it; I hate passive observation and I'm terrible at it

I did night lookout on a trawler in the North Atlantic for a few nights and i think it might be the best job i ever had

diff'rent strokes

Looking out for entire countries heading toward you probably isn't as irksome as watching for small peripheral details perhaps

prior to getting hired by this company 12 years ago I was almost a part-time TSA agent. they made you go through tests where you identify suspicious items and it was really difficult and halfway through I was like "lol I've fucked this" and then at the end am told WOW YOU DID GREAT pls come in for final interview.

I can deal with a mistake at my job currently where maybe the worst that happens is materials are slightly unreadable, dunno if I could handle being the dude that accidentally let a weapon onto the plane.

dealing with corpses >>>> dealing with excrement >>>> telemarketing sales >>>> caring for infants (living)

being a cop or prison warden would fall somewhere between telemarketing sales and caring for infants (living)

I work in medical related tech support - seems a rung below telemarketing?