The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

Thanks, and I was still gonna use your line if this hadn't happened.

1. Drop the phrase 'my boyfriend' or 'your girlfriend' offhand into the most casual of conversation with him.

Not passive aggressive imo. Wouldn't have worked on my guy but might have worked on some

aww :( well trite as it is, better luck next time! i mean, obviously something will happen in the heretofore, but i hope it's with someone you share an intimate connection with

i had a date tonight! it was fun. we got on, and will probably do dinner and drinks again at some stage...life and its options

thanks lj!

drunk and in 'f**k you' stage, hoorah, will not last but enjoying it for now.

*I used Nick's line retrospectively!!* To explain what I was thinking over the last month.

ok ilx, i said yes to a date with someone i'm probably not interested in (but figured give him a chance and maybe my mind will change, the reason i'm always single is that i always say no unless i'm really into the person already)...is this a terrible thing to do? if at the end of said date i figure out that i'm not, what do i say?

Well, it depends how you view the experience. If you think of it as a practice date, where you just get used to the idea of dating and learning how to do it, then I think it's fine. It's just trouble lies ahead when you get to the point where all you ever go on is practice dates with guys you're not that into and start to lose faith in the whole process.

I'm not so much worried about it from my side, I just don't want to be a bitch if it turns out he's interested and I'm not, especially as he's a friend of some of my friends. Advice?

oh this is not a bad thing! come saturday i'm going on a second date with a girl i'm not at all head over heels with, although she is very friendly and talkative. that said atm dating is about all i have time for, so i'm able to go on these chilled dates without feeling any pressure to force an issue. treat your own one like this and it'll be fine :) maybe better than fine!

this makes sense. i figure that is how it should be, that is how casual dating works, right? the problem is just that most of my circle tends to date friends, so it escalates immediately to "relationship," and i'm not sure how to not have that happen.

Don't drink too much - that's the easiest way to stop things from escalating into full-blown "relationship" if you know what I mean.

I know this problem. I'm convinced I know straight away if I'm interested in someone or not, which means if I don't think I want to date them, it means I don't. But of course I could be missing out on a lot by not trying. And it means that if I date someone I'm already taking it very very very seriously, even if I don't tell the person that.

Yeah I am generally the same! I decided to break the mold this time on grounds that I probably do miss out on a lot by not trying, and now I'm really nervous because frankly, we probably know ourselves best. (And of course I'm projecting my own psychology onto him, because if I asked someone out it would be because I really liked them, even though I don't know enough about this guy to assume that.)

Okay date is in an hour! What do I do/say at the end if I'm not interested in another one? (i ask this as a worst case scenario because i think i know what to do in all other scenarios, haha)

"Good luck with that!"

'it's been real, cowboy, but i'm takin' the low road'

"all signs point to negative poppage"

'i wanted Kid A, you were only MPP'

please let us not let the pitchfork decade poll infect every thread on ilx!

'i wanted an MP, you were only a kid'

it's like some zombie virus.

totally

Him: 'shall we do this again sometime?'
You: 'yyyeeeeeeehhhhhhh...'

Don't contact him. If he contacts you, say you would love to hang out again (pause) just as friends, if that's ok?

yeah...that's pretty much how it went down. *sigh* thanks for listening.

But next time it might go down differently. But yeah, dates like that feel all wrong to me too.

Us clueless guys never being able to interpret whether the woman wants to go out again. Some women are honest and just say 'no' or 'yes'; that's better than the "yeahhhh, maybe, contact me (but then later ignoring e-mails or calls).

Being a divorced 40-something parent and dating is no fun. Trying to schedule dates with other divorced parents is always difficult because your non-parenting nights never seem to match up. Never married 40-somethings either want to have kids, or have schedules that somehow manage to be even busier than those of a parent. I had been seeing someone for years but that fizzled out and now I'm in the wonderful world of internet dating. Ugh.

I know this problem. I'm convinced I know straight away if I'm interested in someone or not, which means if I don't think I want to date them, it means I don't. But of course I could be missing out on a lot by not trying. And it means that if I date someone I'm already taking it very very very seriously, even if I don't tell the person that.

― ljubljana, Tuesday, October 6, 2009 8:03 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

wow this is crazy

sorry that sounds mean.

which part do you think is crazy? there's a few different statements there

well, if i only dated ppl i was already into, i would be dating a hell of a lot less often & be meeting v. few interesting people, be many friends shorter & two relationships shorter than i am now.

i mean i guess the line could be at varying places -- its not like im dating ppl im not attracted to or something -- but part of the fun/risk of dating is getting to know people

i don't really understand the concern about rejecting someone ... you're afraid you'll end up in a relationship you dont want to be in? "oops!" you can say no & make an excuse at basically any point on the ride, would much rather do that than miss out on someone who is potentially really cool (or more likely, at least a decent person to know).

I kind of agree w ljub (maybe I'd use fewer verys), even if you or some person on the internet thinks it's crazy (OH NOES). But then, that's part of why it's easier just to not date.

Hanging out w people asking all the "right" questions about them and fielding their "right" questions about you while you sort of grope around blindly for what kind of person the other person is without promising anything that you aren't sure you mean just seems like a shit-ton of work and completely tedious -- esp if you're not attracted to them originally, like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 6:03 PM (17 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

holy crap

He was really really interesting but not attractive to me at all. I would have worked on some kind of creative project with him, he did cool music 'n stuff, but...no datey.

all apologies, another topic emerges:

I'm thinking about the 19 (or 18?) year old girl I have a half crush on because I might go to the place she works tonight for beer (not thinking of stalking her or anything creepy). Anyways someone up thread said that I probably wouldn't share many favorite interests (probably true). But isn't that true with just about everybody you date? Cept maybe if you meet someone at the concert for your favorite band.

So I don't even know what I could talk about even if I wanted to try to jump in the relationship world.

what are good conversations topics? seriously

I told a girl a terrible poem I made up on a date once. granted it was down hill to begin with.

discuss flushing toilets with one's feet

erotic hats can't fail to win her favour.

reborns

wanna hear the poem?

yes

uhh the internet deleted my poems. they were on an older version of poetry.com apparently

plz find

also, submit them to ilx in poll form

I kind of agree w ljub (maybe I'd use fewer verys), even if you or some person on the internet thinks it's crazy (OH NOES). But then, that's part of why it's easier just to not date.

Hanging out w people asking all the "right" questions about them and fielding their "right" questions about you while you sort of grope around blindly for what kind of person the other person is without promising anything that you aren't sure you mean just seems like a shit-ton of work and completely tedious -- esp if you're not attracted to them originally, like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 5:03 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ok i definitely dont mean "go out with people you're not attracted to" -- thats dumb. but i thought she meant, like, ppl that she already was somewhat interested in beyond that

Maybe that line you were talking about is just set at a higher point of "interested".

But even if you might like them, dating is a giant bore? Maybe you have to like the idea of getting to know people.

like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

^^^ this.

deej, you're right that I could make an excuse at any time and get out. But I know within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I'm potentially interested in them romantically. That sounds like I think it's a good thing, but I don't - I'd rather have the nice potential of falling for them later, after 10 or 20 dates! It's just the way I am... it certainly does restrict the number of relationships I have. Within 2-3 dates I'm generally head over heels for them or know I won't ever be. Maybe I could change this with effort! - but something tells me I just know: yes or no. And of course it's usually no, since people don't go around falling for other people all over the place. It'd be chaos.

I like the idea of getting to know people, but I hate the idea of leading them on when I know it's 'no'... I think internet dating is good for me for that reason - I can't second-guess too much whether I like them romantically or not till I get there.

Ljubjana I've always been exactly the same way so you're def not alone in that.

It is kind of a relief that you and Laurel are the same way. I was starting to think I was just wired up funny.

Meanwhile, my ex, if you can call him that, well, my ex-person-I-was-seeing, has sent me a novel that he says reminds him of me. I *never* read this kind of novel (kinda chick-histo-lit: The Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society). Just the title screams 'NO' to me. He sent a nice card with it though. Also two Weakerthans CD copies that I told him I did not want.

er, Guernsey.

Yeah no I totally relate to everything you wrote. It's also why I was never really into casual dating. I just never saw the point of dating someone I wasn't into and the ppl I was into I wanted more than just a casual thing with.

Thing is, getting to know someone can turn a "maybe" into a "yes" but I don't think it can ever turn a "nope, never" into a yes. (Except with the magical addition of alcohol which can turn Yog-Sothoth into a yes on a bad day)