39. My mother is six months pregnant and standing on a chair painting above the kitchen cupboards. Chris is sitting on his ass drinking a beer. She finishes and steps down. Chris: "You missed a spot."
― Matos W.K., Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:16 (fourteen years ago) link
;_;
― drunk shudder shades chick gets kicked out of mcdonalds totally (â•“abies), Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:37 (fourteen years ago) link
christ, I love this thread, glad to see it pop up again.
― sciolism, Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:45 (fourteen years ago) link
kind of reminds me of the stories of davesecretary, which I don't think I've seen around here... I'll post a few, they're all caps because they need to be.
davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm
SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.
THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.
THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.
HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.
davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 amEVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.
ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"
AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY
IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.
UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.
― sciolism, Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:50 (fourteen years ago) link
amazing thread
― Nhex, Saturday, 18 July 2009 07:37 (fourteen years ago) link
maybe it was actually
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX2DZWtHd2o&feature=player_embedded
― Pissed Jenas (DJ Mencap), Saturday, 18 July 2009 09:59 (fourteen years ago) link
"hey jude" is terrible even with the happy hardcore treatment.
― flash! aaaaaah (get bent), Saturday, 18 July 2009 10:02 (fourteen years ago) link
It was "Don't look back in Anger" right?
― Mark G, Monday, 20 July 2009 09:02 (fourteen years ago) link
I say "you lie like a kite" all the time
― homosexual II, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 02:18 (fourteen years ago) link
I realize that Chris' statement is couched in a long string of terrible behavior, but I have probably said something as dumb as "I can't turn my face into a heart " when arguing with my wife, if I was really tired or something.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 11:55 (fourteen years ago) link
in another context it could be kinda sweetly sad!
― FC Tom Tomsk Club (Merdeyeux), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:24 (fourteen years ago) link
In the context I'm imagining that it would indeed sound stupid. I get terribly incoherent when I'm tired.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:27 (fourteen years ago) link
But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:28 (fourteen years ago) link
I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.
― Mark G, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:30 (fourteen years ago) link
"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"
― Huckabee Jesus lifeline (HI DERE), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:58 (fourteen years ago) link
"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.
― Sock Puppet Pizza Delivers To The Forest (Sock Puppet Queso Con Concentrate), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 16:04 (fourteen years ago) link
He can't change his face into a hearat.
― the onimo effect (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 11 December 2009 17:00 (fourteen years ago) link
There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?
― the clones of tldr funkenstein (James Redd and the Blecchs), Monday, 25 January 2010 21:27 (fourteen years ago) link
I just read this thread for the first time. Chris is my new god.
― Mr. Snrub, Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:06 (fourteen years ago) link
i had a burger at fuddrucker's today and couldn't stop thinking about this thread.
― altered dominant (get bent), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:32 (fourteen years ago) link
I've never seen this thread before but it's tremendous
― Mordy, Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fourteen years ago) link
It is exceptionally essential.
― kissogram powers (Abbott), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fourteen years ago) link
Revive in honor of Father's Day!
― kkvgz, Friday, 18 June 2010 20:34 (thirteen years ago) link
hahaha
― Mexico, camp, horns, Zappa, Mr. Bungle (Matos W.K.), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:25 (thirteen years ago) link
much love, Matos.
― Filmmaker, Author, Radio Host Stephen Baldwin (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:34 (thirteen years ago) link
Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.
― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Saturday, 29 January 2011 17:54 (thirteen years ago) link
My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.
― Rotating & Blunders (MintIce), Saturday, 29 January 2011 18:32 (thirteen years ago) link
Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.
― HAPPY BDAY TOOTS (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Sunday, 24 February 2013 21:52 (eleven years ago) link
ty, this was special
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:25 (eleven years ago) link
all-time
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:26 (eleven years ago) link
For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...
― Mark G, Monday, 25 February 2013 07:47 (eleven years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y
― Milton Parker, Monday, 25 February 2013 19:29 (eleven years ago) link
Just doin' my civic duty.
― HOOS next aka won't get steened again (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 02:10 (ten years ago) link
----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time
So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally
― albvivertine, Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:18 (ten years ago) link
best thread
― freelance helgenberger (get bent), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (ten years ago) link
You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (ten years ago) link
His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.
― carlos danger zone (mh), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:20 (ten years ago) link
Oh yes of course.
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:29 (ten years ago) link
This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:30 (ten years ago) link
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 05:03 (ten years ago) link
"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"
― brotha george lynch hung (how's life), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 17:31 (ten years ago) link
still classic
― Roz, Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:51 (nine years ago) link
"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.
― Okay, there's lil' Zipper again (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 27 August 2014 16:21 (nine years ago) link
"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."
I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?
― Tuomas, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 09:58 (nine years ago) link
The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.
― post...aftermath (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 14:22 (nine years ago) link
yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.
my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.
anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?
― I dunno. (amateurist), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:48 (nine years ago) link
i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)
― Ludo, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:51 (nine years ago) link