Clickbait Article Theater: All Night's 10 Unofficial Rules for the Strip Club

Fuck Mister Kavanaugh In His Dumb Fucking Butt
He acts like he knows the secrets of life and everything but if he's so wise and all-knowing then how come he's a middle school history teacher and such a shitty basketball coach that we can't even get to the county semi-finals? The only history he knows about is the history of losing. Let him call my dad. Just fucking let him. I'm not scared of him.

Your Back Muscles Wrap Around to Your Breasts So If You Really Want The Best Massage, I Have to Rub On Your Front
Your latissimus dorsi connect up here, in your scapulas. But tension creeps up over your clavicle into your pectoral muscles, which girls have too. In fact, girls' pecs are sometimes even more tense than boys because they're holding up the breasts which is why you have to wear a bra. It's science. For real, I don't even have to touch them, I can just touch around them.

Check out this fractals video I just bought
Is your mind blown yet? Hang on. Grab that Redi-Whip can. No, don't shake it. Just put your mouth around the nozzle and squeeze. Now check out those fractals. Pretty cool, right? All right, just don't tell mom or I'll kick your ass.

Not Liking Something Isn't The Same Thing As Having An Allergy
It's not like you even remember the last time you had a reaction. I'm pretty sure almond butter is different from peanut butter anyway. So in the final countdown, a peanut allergy isn't that big of a deal and you should grow a pair and just eat the dumb sandwich already.

This Is Gonna Be Awesome
Just shut up! Wait for it. Be patient, when this comes off man... it's gonna be totally epic. Okay, give me the lighter.

http://img.michaeljacksonspictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/popcorn-blank.gif

Look, All You Have To Say Is That I Was In My Room All Night
How hard is that? Okay, look, I'll give you some of my Playboys, all right? But you better hide 'em good. Not like those fireworks I gave you. Just back me up and I'll make it worth your while.

i like the transition from "coolest kid in the after-school club" to "worst stepdad"

If you want a free show, go watch birds at the park.

oi mates

Your Back Muscles Wrap Around to Your Breasts So If You Really Want The Best Massage, I Have to Rub On Your Front

lol

Saying "Everybody Masturbates" Is Not The Same Thing as Saying "I Jack Off"
This is the last time I'm going to say this: all guys do it. The pope and the president and John Cena and it's totally natural. Sometimes it helps you get to sleep and it reduces stress. But I am not saying that I do it. Even though it would be totally okay if I did. But I don't. And I swear, if you say I do one more time, I am gonna beat your ass so bad.

Stay Away From Old Man Haggerty's Shed
He's fucking crazy. I heard he killed a kid and ate him. He went crazy ever since his wife died and now he just wants kids to have just the worst time. Whoever told you I have a secret stash of Penthouse behind that shed is a fucking liar. Who told you that? I swear to fucking God I'll end them

That Wasn't Pot, It Was Italian Seasoning
Yes it was! Doug wanted to make a pizza tonight so I told him I'd bring the seasonings over. I don't know why it smells like pot because I don't even know what pot smells like. Why do YOU know what pot smells like, that's the real question. Just get off my back for once, jeez.

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http://cbs12.com/news/local/vladimir-putin-arrested-at-publix

I applaud this revive.