Tell Me About: Threesomes

tmi bomb: my gf mentioned that she had one of these in college with another girl and a 'random guy'... and as someone who was never really able to manage to score random hookups ever, let alone more than one simultaneously, (and also as someone who has very very often fantasized about this sort of encounter), the thought of it is just seriously, nonstop haunting me since she mentioned it. i've become more depressed than i've been since high school, and i can hardly look at her and keep it together, i'm just constantly distracted by the idea of it. i feel like any attempt to talk through my feelings with her would turn into shitty emotional manipulation of one sort or another. and i don't think i should even want to try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into, with a number of boundaries) because i feel like even in the best case scenario, i'd find some reason to be disappointed that it isn't the same as the kind of freewheeling, no-strings hookup that she (well honestly, that 'random guy') had. i don't want to blame her or accost her for her sexual past, it's her life and her business and i understand that this is more of a deep insecurity thing that is my problem, not hers..... but i just can't seem to get over it. it's been almost a week since we talked and it's still literally the only thing i seem to be capable of thinking about when i'm not occupied by doing something. why is this such a big deal? ugh :(

Been a long time since we had a properly done logged out post. Well done

huh

wb deems

i've become more depressed than i've been since high school, and i can hardly look at her and keep it together

Your reaction to this is pretty extreme. I mean - how long ago was this? Actually that doesn't really matter because you're right, it's her life and her past and your reaction to this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own insecurities and issues.

x-post - lol

you are probably imagining this other guy as some sort of stud who managed to not only score this fantasy but did so with your now-gf. Probably best to imagine him saying something like "could you both suck my balls?" and him not being able to enjoy the threesome bc he hears that echoing in his head. Sorry if you're actually the balls echo guy.

hable con ella blogged out

talk to her, it will help

and if it is a fantasy of yours and she seems open to it, talk about it!

you are probably imagining this other guy as some sort of stud who managed to not only score this fantasy but did so with your now-gf. Probably best to imagine him saying something like "could you both suck my balls?" and him not being able to enjoy the threesome bc he hears that echoing in his head. Sorry if you're actually the balls echo guy.

― LIKE If you are against racism (omar little), Wednesday, November 19, 2014 4:27 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

OTM - imagine this 'random guy' as http://i.imgur.com/0WjXjRq.jpg instead

yeah no need to get pre-emptively Prufrockian about it

Or maybe you are http://i.imgur.com/0WjXjRq.jpg? That's tough shit, man

lol

Well, while I sort of wonder why she mentioned it to you (unless you were having one of those conversations where you tell each other about your experiences, or you specifically asked her if it had ever happened), I agree that the insecurity here is on you, and that you can't hold her sexual past against her. But there's also no use in feeling guilty about feeling insecure, that's just a double-whammy of insecurity. I think it's natural for someone in your position to feel some insecurity about this. Honestly, I think everyone probably feels at least some insecurity about their partner's sexual past. You can't help but wonder at some point -- were they better than me? More exciting? Does she think about them? And there's just some primal, possessive instinct in there too, no matter how "enlightened" we think we are. I hate the kind of rhetoric that makes you feel like you're some kind of illiberal cretin for having any jealous feelings.

And with you, the feelings are especially strong because you didn't have "random hookups" as you say, so I can see how it would play on you from multiple angles: guessing you're afraid that the 'random guy' must have had some kind of sexual dynamism that you lack, since she was willing to "randomly" hook up with him but, you are presuming, wouldn't have done so with you, since you're not the kind of guy that could score "random" hookups. Of course, you don't actually know that any of this is true -- random hookups can very much just be a matter of circumstances. Maybe the girl was her good friend and the girl pressured her into it. Or maybe the guy was even kind of hot. Hot enough that she "randomly" hooked up with him. Once. A long time ago. So is that guy really a threat? She's with you.

iirc you propose a threesome with her and your comic book artist best friend? and then you all stop talking to each other forever. gl

no offence threesh & I try not to indulge in the kind of condescending tough love these advice threads invite but your whole deal here is incredibly immature as I'm sure you're well aware

if I'm understanding your (well, honestly) aside I'd suggest that sort of thinking is indicative of the problem

you crazy kids should invite hurting to be your third

would it be different if it were a freewheeling twosome

As much as reflecting insecurity, I imagine the pain is coming from hearing about this and not having had the opportunity himself. It may not be insecurity about the present as much as hurt from wanting this and not having had it, and hearing about it from the present monogamous sexual partner. If there were some safe way to get the experience, the hurt and resentment and especially the preoccupation could go away.

3some angst = humblebrag/champagne probs

I've also come to think tendency toward "random hookups" is more about temperament than attractiveness. Maybe it's just not your personality! Again, your gf is with you, there must be some reason for that.

also it sounds like she and her friend just felt curious/like experimenting?

sounds like you're projecting your own fantasies onto this dude maybe it'll help to realize that other dudes j/o to your gf like 12 times a day

xp

try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into

champagne probs for realz

bustamove.gif

B O maybe the question is do you think it's better to have a fantasy that consumes you or is it better to live the fantasy and deflate it and to never dream for ever

Maybe ur also imagining that *the kind of guy* who could have a threesome with your girlfriend AND another woman must have had the virility of two men and you're afraid that if you try it you won't measure up. And that's silly. Which is not to say you should try a threesome, but that's not a good reason not to.

did someone say threesome

I mean, if your gal talked about a mango she ate and you lived in a place with no mangos and you were in the past preoccupied with the potential taste of mango, you might get preoccupied and hurt by your gal's mango story.

but yea eazy otm, this is definitely about your own history. i was pretty much a shy dude throughout high school and college and even though i had some adventures and various partners i've never really been someone who succeeded (or even tried that much) w/ random hookups. i also have been in the same monogamous relationship since i was 21. there was a lot of work i had to do to figure out shit about my sexuality and sexual history and how it played out in other areas of my life, and whether i had regrets about that or not, and whether there is anything i can do about it now to own it. you got to own that shit and own your feelings about it. depression from a partner's past revelation can hurt but really you can use it to teach/inspire yourself about changing how you relate to your sexuality.

but if your gal said "hey, i'd be down to get some mangos, with some boundaries - they have to be safe mangos" then maybe you should take her up on that?

dying here @ mangos tbh

The issue here is that the man goes to a threesome but poor blogged out can't

I mean, if your gal talked about a mango she ate and you lived in a place with no mangos and you were in the past preoccupied with the potential taste of mango, you might get preoccupied and hurt by your gal's mango story.

what about madeleines?

i feel like any attempt to talk through my feelings with her would turn into shitty emotional manipulation of one sort or another

This is the bit you should be worried about. It doesn't sound like you're going to berate her for her past so what you're fearing is being honest with her about your own emotions - if you're worried about this turning into emotional manipulation then there's a more fundamental communication problem here.

Will help/feel less manipulative if you take the option of a threesome with her + someone else off the table entirely? Because I think you should do that.

interestingly, mangos is almost what u get when u cross me with marcos

What if she told you she salt and peppered her mango?

unconscionable realms of metaphor

blogged out is M.I.A.

fwiw if this is treesh I'm gonna devote my entire postcount to wins (I am saying that it isn't btw)

Now imagine that she shared this ripe, juicy mango with another.

mangoes in two, a bore?

what if all the mangoes were rotten

man why is everybody trying to talk him out of having some mangos? she said she likes mangos, and how exactly mangos would work for her, and he says he's been thinking about mangos for years.

acknowledging your own ego issues and understanding how much sex-related judgments stem from ghosts of stupid awful body-hating xian morality (and addressing those judgments) really opens up worlds of opportunities and freedom ime/imo. i guess it's different in str8 relationships cuz there's so much damn panopticism from others abt what is acceptable whereas gays are already marginalized by the center and hence are more free abt some things but even there those kinds of judgments enter in.

Xps I just liked the sound of "threesh" I don't think these things overmuch

acknowledging your own ego issues and understanding how much sex-related judgments stem from ghosts of stupid awful body-hating xian morality (and addressing those judgments) really opens up worlds of opportunities and freedom ime/imo.

otm

i was gonna say something but i'm not sure if it has to be about mangoes and i've lost track of where we are in the mango analogy

some mangos are bad, they can be very stringy and fibrous

is this about fucking mangoes