Blue Saturday

Hey

Oh, I'm sorry NV. Hang in there, we are thinking of you. That sounds so dumb but I don't know what else to say other than what's already been said much more eloquently by others before me.

Ive had close experience of much worse fwiw

i'd beat myself up about it but that seems to make the panic attacks worse :/

torn between feeling really fucking stupid and reassuring myself i'm probably not having a heart attack

As someone who has had multiple panic attacks weekly over the course of the last two months and nearly took myself to the emergency room a handful of times I can tell you that you are probably not having a heart attack but God I'm sorry you're experiencing a PA right now. Scariest feeling. :/

i get them every time i'm hungover E so i know what it is and this was yet another reason to stop doing this to myself

ME TOO!

and of course knowing what they are doesn't make them go away, thanks stupid brain

x-post - Well, not before these last couple months but during that time I had once each time I had the slightest hangover. Turns out that was a huge trigger for me and it did make me cut down my drinking (or at least rethink it) until I start feeling better.

No, it doesn't and that's maybe the hardest part for someone who has never had one to understand. You know what it is, you know that you're not actually having a heart attack and yet all your brain can think is OMG GONNA DIE RIGHT NOW AHHHHH. It's just such a fucking awful feeling. :/

i know, at least i'm lucky in that i have the power to not get them this bad if i just keep my fat arse out of pubs

I found you something, maybe you will like it? Or maybe someone will.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

i think i do. i can't take that all in at once - i can't concentrate on reading so good right now - but yes, it speaks to me. it might speak to some of the people on the depression thread too.

thanks :)

unfortunately all i got right now is Nurse With Wound doing - take the verb how one wants - Harold Pinter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gYU-8gLLK4

It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.

:\

Anhedonia is real! Powerful real, unfortunately.

That's a really good depiction of one aspect of depression.

I wrote a long non-post here on some tenuous pretext of compare/contrast to the blog post but, short version, saw a ghost of my past today, it gave me a faintly disgusted look and we both returned to pretending we weren't in the same room. (Not an ex. Just a reminder of a time long ago before everyone decided I was too snooty to hang out with them when I was actually stuck in dead fish space 24/7, and it's a decade too late and still too painful to tell them, so fuck it, let them be disgusted. Who needs people when they/we are so easily disgusted by each other?)

Self-indulgent. I'm doing OK. Thinking of you, NV. & you, ENBB, too.

that is NOT self-indulgent. it is a necessary step to admit those kinds of things and to also contemplate them.

good luck, hon.

We need other ppl, i think, but never as many as you'd be led to believe

that Hyperbole and a Half thing mirrors exactly (corn aside) what a couple of close friends have gone through and one is still going through so it made for tough reading. In some somewhat gross and parasitic way their experiences have made my bluest moments somehow more bearable, in that there's always a small element of really appreciating sometimes being able to feel good feelings, even when I'm not feeling them now.

It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.

That makes a ton of sense to me. In both being the person with the dead fish and the people trying to help.

xxp We probably do need a few. But how to work out which, make them need you back, walk the tightrope between needing them too much and them needing you too much?

Not really breaking new ground with these questions here, I know.

xp Yeah, the strip did make me appreciate that even in my greyest months I could still get small measures of joy from listening to music. I am thankful for that, and for living in an age where I can envelop myself in music without having to play an instrument myself or go out among people or even get up and turn a record over every 20 minutes. I mean that might sound small but given that I could barely summon the energy to read books or even comics, an entirely passive method to transport myself ~out~ was a blessing

Sorry, to find out those answers you need to purchase my book

Its a little scribble or two i call THE BIBLE

I gave ten pounds and all I got was a lousy salvation.

the previous Hyperbole and a Half adventure in depression was really good too http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/934016_10151377797786875_700404415_n_zps4e1c72d1.jpg

Fitba

it is horrible but calling my mother just reminds me how fucking glad i am that i am removed from that life

sorry family, i just don't like you very much. you're trapped in the same cycles of ignorance and pain and i don't think i can change that.

ultimately you can't carry the responsibility for other people's self-chosen ignorance, and nor should you

went back to work after a fortnight contemplating self-harm, dissolution, disappearance. wish i could carry that hyperbole and a half cartoon around with me. don't want to look like i'm turning my nose up at advice about positive thinking and looking on the bright side and counting my blessings and ahhh please

ever have one of those dreams where you find your soul-mate and after some kind of wacky adventure you're (re)united and everything is mindbending bliss until you wake up and it evaporates?

those dreams come from the devil

Often, usually about people I know. Tragic.

I'm stranded at a legal aid conference atm, hearing all about how government cuts are going to ensure that I'm never going to get a job in my chosen career that I've been working towards for 2 years. Happy Saturday!

Idk about physical self harm though dood, couldn't you just watch YouTube vids of wolves from this season instead?

i'm not going to get to the point of doing anything about it, i'd just been low enough that the idea kept coming back

done with that shit and other people's misguided complaisance now, gonna get my Tao back on

sorry this government and every subsequent government are making this country a shithole unfit for civilized people to live in btw :(

cupán tao

7/11 store selling poppers on the counter last night. bizarre and mean. magically headache-free.

question that i am wrestling with. is the world of business/management/careers so twisted that any honest attempt to engage with it is going to crush my brain, or is my brain just too crushed to do deal with this perfectly normal, everyday world?

"identify own career and personal goals" is gonna be the rock i perish on, i fear

MindTools, Forbes, Swot analysis, personality types, jeezus SB modernity i'll take my chances with Typhus and ratmeat for tea

just c&p random bits of these articles

http://elitedaily.com/category/life/motivation/

specific - shoot own face clean off, measurable - face will be full separated from body, achievable - need to get gun, dutch courage, realistic - frankly as realistic as anything else i got lined up, timely - give it to the end of the week

the thing is Nilmar we laugh at cobblers like elitedaily but there's this whole world of normal looking people living this shit and either thinking it's normal or doing a much better job of playing along than i can

just want a roof over me head, enough to eat and internet access, don't see why i've got to join some kind of Stakhanovite death cult just so's i can live

what's really dispiriting is i'm pretty sure i'm not smart enough or fit enough to live like this but loads of other feckers seem to manage it

i work in education and we had to do a swot analysis for my school! it was an unfamiliar concept, but i guess it helped us formulate our strategic plan? or something like that?
i haven't thought of it as something that was all that terrible, iirc. just kinda came and went, just like students do from one semester to the next. not long enough to get under my skin.

are you required to espouse/wield some sort of managerial jargon for your job? or are you on the receiving end of the jargon?

i am trying to work out why i'm here and how i can be more effective, partly because of a course i'm required to complete

i notice a lot of these management gurus were born in Austria in the early 20th century

i gotcha
do you know what they want to hear?

i don't think i've got it in me to lie that boldly? not right now.

Ppl that do well at this def treat it as an rpg.

But wtf stay away from business or mgmt do something clean like tesco or kitchen porter or bowling lane attendant.

just blather and unnecessary abuse of stationery, feel like this is what working is except they're all in on some secret rule and nobody clued me in

btw am applying for a job as a REVENUE AUDITOR in another tab, partly cos i get to sharpen my teeth on irish business ppl