The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

doesn't sound like much in the way of 'vagaries' tbh

it was for me

respect. sounds pretty awes though.

yeah seems like it's working out for you!

"I planned this entire event in order to get you in my bed, you should stay."

a+++

hope she said it with a semicolon tho

I dunno, is this a better place to maybe discuss this?

Firstly, that we only name it "animal lust" when we are powerfully attracted to someone who is wrong for us in every way. When we feel powerfully attracted to someone who ticks all the other boxes, we call it "true love" or "head over heels" or something else, because it's appropriate desire. The animal lust is what we call desire which is inappropriate.

But I was actually trying to compare and contrast two slightly different things. I've reread this Lisa Diamond book on sexuality this past weekend and it seemed like it supported her theory that there are two different (though related) mechanisms of desire. That one she called Proceptivity which is mostly internally-driven and hormonal because one is feeling horny (and if it wasn't this person at work triggering it, it would be some attractive person in a shop near me, or a random person on the internet, but I'd still just be externalising something which was originating in me.) And the other is Arousability, which is that process by which becoming intimate with someone and getting to know and trust them and you start to think that they are the most amazing person on earth - and then once you have started thinking "this person is awesome" up pop feelings of desire which are based on being aroused by that person.

Sorry, I should have spelled that out better. I have a bad habit of dropping in jargon I've recently picked up which puts a name to a thing I've been thinking about and noticing for a while, but didn't know there was a name for, and then assuming that everyone else has been reading the same books/blogs/press/etc and knows what I'm talking about.

(I've been having having trouble detangling feelings of "I'm getting to know this person and I like them, but I'm not sure which way it's going" for one person I've been seeing, from feelings of "OMG, lluuuusssstttt" for someone completely inappropriate and kind of wanted to talk through varying types of desire and how to process them. Because it's been a long, long time since attempting to do that, for me.)

Didn't know where else to put this.

Watching the new season of First Dates last night and its the usual C4 bollocks of cloaking people's potential humiliation as an experiment although there is some funny-ish at times moments.

Anyway, why did we have to get the opinion of the staff? How lame an idea was that?!?!

what's cool is when you have a seemingly really great date - which never happens - and then don't hear a word of reply when you later inquire about a second. uuuuugh

in conclusion, unquestionably bad dates >>> mysteriously unfruitful good ones

dating is perhaps the worst experience ever known, which is why i've swore to live a life of solitude

^^^gets it

doesn't get it

I'm tryna date now it's weird but for once in my life I'm not threatened by the weirdness

i think i overheard a coupla college kids out on a coffee date the other night, i'm not sure. it didn't sound very romantic, more like they were reviewing their sexual and drug use histories to determine whether they would sleep together

#figuringOutHowToLive

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CLvMpBnVEAA5piw.png

makes u think

A research scientist at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction couldn't possibly be wrong about that, what with that classy Oxford comma and everything.

So like three weeks ago I was at a cafe, sitting next to v attractive and interesting woman who was on a date with some dude. I kept wistfully thinking "why can't I meet people like that", but then a week ago I saw her on OkCupid and immediately messaged her, and now am about to meet her this evening. Anyways, I'm not sure if telling her this story at some point (like, not immediately) would come across as a) totally endearing or b) totally creepy.

maybe after you marry her

I would very much like to know what became of EDB!

As shitty as dating via dating apps is, attempting it without one is a trial all its own. I've been "out" twice with this girl I had met before via shared interests but never really hung out with properly, took a chance and asked her to a film event (I know movies tend to make for the shittiest dates but it's the most obvious mutual touchstone as she has an advanced degree in film studies), a nice time was had but no firm followup plans were made, nor any outright overtures I could detect. Then we met up a second time a couple of days back - another movie, followed by drinks and about three hours of the most engaging conversation I'd had in a long time. On the way home (same direction), there's slightly more intimacy, but was it just the cocktails? Years of singlehood teaches you to doubt every potential sign. Anyway we have plans to catch Let the Sunshine In but it'll probably take at least two weeks since has a busy night-work schedule and I might lose my mind in the interim.

this sounds very promising! just chill out and stop using words like 'touchstone' imo

you have and may continue to do cool things together! let the intimacy take care of itself

yeah I guess I shouldn't be so neurotic about it, it's just a natural side effect of not doing any real dating for basically a decade

this sounds nice! ride the wave imo, wherever it leads seems like it'll be a good place

EDB is ed b. iirc?

this sounds nice! ride the wave imo, wherever it leads seems like it'll be a good place

ime this is never the case but I earnestly appreciate the optimism!!

The ending of Let the Sunshine In should be a good lead in for drinks on a 3rd date.

Good luck Simon. sounds positive

you can do it simon.

Go Simon!!!

I had a stellar day with a lady Friday and I look forward to the next time. I’m patient and not pushing things too hard but I take it as a good sign that she stayed up with me from early afternoon to midnight /)

I am about to tell you an epic tale about subterfuge, dating in the 21st century and the fall of human civilization. This actually happened to me and it could happen to you too. Get some popcorn. *Thread*

— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018

completely nuts

PS my thing went nowhere lol

saw that earlier via max tundra retweeting an ilxor, which felt weird

Max Tundra is extremely online

Emily Witt writes well on Feeld, online dating during and post- pandemic, with a couple of lines on Roe. All pretty well handled.

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-inquiry/feeld-dating-app-sex

Though it could've been better if someone from The Queer community wrote it but that's not The New Yorker.

Nothing is enjoyable anymore.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/22/is-housing-crisis-killing-romance-modern-dating-jane-austen

Obviously it's all very middle-class. Partners can't get out of abusive relationships due to scarcity of a safe, affordable space. But you can see this stuff extending through society.

this has been "a thing" in the SF Bay Area for quite a while. ... the article definitely has that middle class focus, (to the point where I lost patience with it) but the housing crisis/relationship "stuck-ness" is harder on poorer people.

It's another category of gofundme campaign now ... along with "help pay medical bills" ... that is a clear example how broken "the system" is.

Sarahell otm. Of course everything is harder on poorer people, and one still hears the standard advice "well, then don't be poor."

Yeah I couldn't finish that piece either.