"Hey you know the guitarist from Super Furry Animals -- the one from Ireland?""Wales.""Well I wouldn't go that far, but he's alright."
― didn't even have to use my akai (Hurting 2), Saturday, 23 July 2011 13:21 (thirteen years ago) link
That is great.
― Gary Barlow syndrome (Autumn Almanac), Saturday, 23 July 2011 21:54 (thirteen years ago) link
Bob Hoskins: What are you up to next week, your majesty?The Queen: I'm travelling to Hawaii to give out OBEs to major female singers from the 1960s and 70s.Prince Charles: Are you going to 'Onolulu?
― There is power in an onion (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Friday, 29 July 2011 10:18 (thirteen years ago) link
Hmmmm... that's ended up even worse and more bizzarre than it was intended. Please imagine Prince Charles is Bob Hoskins.
― There is power in an onion (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Friday, 29 July 2011 10:21 (thirteen years ago) link
Q. What do you call a dude with a 1 inch cock?A. Justin
― i'm sorry for whatever (Noodle Vague), Friday, 29 July 2011 10:22 (thirteen years ago) link
I've got a punchline something about Hitler ordering Swiss chard (charred), but I can't quite work out the joke.
― Helping 3 (Hurting 2), Saturday, 13 August 2011 03:32 (thirteen years ago) link
I love that SFA one Hurting! Definitely going to start telling it when muso jokes are needed, if that's cool?
― just call me brian (krakow), Saturday, 13 August 2011 08:43 (thirteen years ago) link
official version:
for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.
up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.
despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.
what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.
"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."
― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:47 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink
a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.
― who is john nult? (dayo), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:49 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink
shut up
― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:53 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark
lol
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Saturday, 13 August 2011 08:48 (thirteen years ago) link
terrible nerdy audio geek joke
q: which comedian is also a reverb preset
a: rich hall
― men at work choices (electricsound)
that got a lol
― jumpskins, Saturday, 13 August 2011 12:54 (thirteen years ago) link
that's awesome
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Saturday, 13 August 2011 18:04 (thirteen years ago) link
q: how did the he-goat learn how to make threatening noises while fighting other he-goats for a mate?
a: he attended Rut Grrrs University
― why delonge face? (unregistered), Monday, 15 August 2011 03:23 (thirteen years ago) link
what do you get when you cross elliott smith and lamonte young?
a symphony man, with one fucking note
― jeevves, Friday, 9 September 2011 08:58 (thirteen years ago) link
What do you call a Liverpudlian lady's comb?
A Her brush
― Ned Trifle X, Friday, 9 September 2011 10:27 (thirteen years ago) link
what do you call a cheese that can hide a horse?
mascarpone
― i asked for "HALF" a glass of wine, because i am TEMPERENT (lex pretend), Friday, 9 September 2011 14:16 (thirteen years ago) link
Did you hear about the female water skier who ran into the floating maritime navigational aid? Yeah, it was a classic case of GIRL MEETS BUOY!
― andrew m., Friday, 9 September 2011 14:42 (thirteen years ago) link
That mascarpone one is good, but would have been significantly funnier for me on first reading if I hadn't initially thought it said "can *ride* a horse".
― Prejudice Capsule Hamster (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Friday, 9 September 2011 16:35 (thirteen years ago) link
Did you hear about the wealthy industrialist centipede? He put pants on just like everyone else.
Multitudinously.
― jeevves, Friday, 9 September 2011 23:59 (thirteen years ago) link
What's Howard's favorite Coen Brothers movie?
O Brother Howard Thou.
What's Howard's favorite Woody Allen movie?
Hannah and Her Sisters and Her Cool Brother, Howard.
― Philip Nunez, Saturday, 10 September 2011 00:29 (thirteen years ago) link
Proust wrote about putting his pants on just like everyone else, one hundred pages at a time.
― jeevves, Sunday, 11 September 2011 10:25 (thirteen years ago) link
Why will Jona Lewie never get fat?Because he always stops the carvery
― Summer Slam! (Ste), Wednesday, 21 September 2011 15:15 (twelve years ago) link
NB: this is really terrible.
Why did the current U.S. president get pegged as a Tangier terrorist?The got him mixed up with the Morocco Bomber. (sounds like "Barrack Obama")
― Nick Chopper (Abbott), Friday, 30 September 2011 00:56 (twelve years ago) link
ilxor screen name joek:
Why was "h" afraid of "i"?Because "i" ate "e".
― rustic italian flatbread, Friday, 30 September 2011 01:08 (twelve years ago) link
eh?
― Mister Potato shares Manchester United’s commitment to (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Friday, 30 September 2011 08:16 (twelve years ago) link
iatee
― rustic italian flatbread, Friday, 30 September 2011 08:35 (twelve years ago) link
I lol'd
― she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Friday, 30 September 2011 14:10 (twelve years ago) link
Knock knockWho's there?Interuppting Cow from Jersey.Interuppting Cow fr...FAAACK YOU!!
― frogbs, Friday, 30 September 2011 14:19 (twelve years ago) link
I think that would be better if you said "Interrupting Jersey Cow," since that's actually a kind of cow.
― Disraeli Geirs (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 4 October 2011 11:53 (twelve years ago) link
Anyway,
Why is the new iPhone too gangsta for the average buyer?
Because it's 4G.
What do you call a crowd of iPhone 4S owners?
A 4St.
― Autumn Almanac, Wednesday, 5 October 2011 05:40 (twelve years ago) link
what's philip glass's favorite neil young record?
on the beach, einstein!
― bernard snowy, Thursday, 13 October 2011 11:47 (twelve years ago) link
I like that one
― Disraeli Geirs (Hurting 2), Thursday, 13 October 2011 11:49 (twelve years ago) link
Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.
― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, 13 October 2011 12:16 (twelve years ago) link
When Santa goes raving, does he get smashed on Xmassy?
― dog latin, Friday, 14 October 2011 09:15 (twelve years ago) link
Read that as Santana!
OK, then..
When Santana goes raving, does he end up at a Samba Pa Ti?
― Mark G, Friday, 14 October 2011 09:53 (twelve years ago) link
hahaha Dog
― Summer Slam! (Ste), Friday, 14 October 2011 10:44 (twelve years ago) link
okay not a deliberate homemade joke but this came from my 3 year old godson and made me laugh
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with L"
"Elephant"
― Summer Slam! (Ste), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 09:56 (twelve years ago) link
I really like bernard snowy's Glass/Young joke.
― brain (krakow), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 10:32 (twelve years ago) link
Q: Why couldn't the post-op transexual man stop taking testosterone?A: Because he was addicted.
― Unleash the Chang (he did what!) (Austerity Ponies), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 14:55 (twelve years ago) link
A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"
― The Cheerfull Turtle (Latham Green), Tuesday, 7 February 2012 17:25 (twelve years ago) link
― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, October 13, 2011 8:16 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
― beachville, Tuesday, 7 February 2012 17:55 (twelve years ago) link
Q: Did you hear about the accident at the mushroom processing plant?A: NoQ: It's got a tragic morel.
― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Thursday, 1 March 2012 23:02 (twelve years ago) link
Q: How did the pimp lose so much weight?A: Using one weird old trick.
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 21 March 2012 03:34 (twelve years ago) link
Have you heard the Kansas song about the Vulture telling his son what's for dinner?
"Carrion my wayward sonthere'll be peas when you are done"
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Thursday, 22 March 2012 02:21 (twelve years ago) link
Q: What is Lucky Luciano's favorite movie?A: Maid in Manhattan.
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Friday, 6 April 2012 02:07 (twelve years ago) link
What did the Juggalo eat for breakfast?Cream of WOOT!
― beachville, Sunday, 15 April 2012 10:10 (twelve years ago) link
Why did the indie rock ingenue actress go so well on a Croque Monsieur?
Because she was Gooey Bechamel
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 18 April 2012 19:51 (twelve years ago) link
!
― fruitsbs (beachville), Wednesday, 18 April 2012 19:53 (twelve years ago) link
What do you call a horse from Pennsylvania?
A filly!
― Mordy, Thursday, 19 April 2012 02:58 (twelve years ago) link
Haven't quite worked this one out yet, but I think there could be a long joke involving a geisha and a submissive man that ends with the line "I wouldn't have pegged you for a fan"
― i don't believe in zimmerman (Hurting 2), Thursday, 26 April 2012 15:43 (twelve years ago) link
Have you seen that new Edith Piaf branded salad dressing?
Je ne vinaigrette rien...
― Scary Move 4 (dog latin), Wednesday, 2 May 2012 13:23 (twelve years ago) link