NOEL COWARD is Striding Down K-Street DC MCMXL The Centre for Professional Alcoholics

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my old gf punched me in the face once.

other times:
mugger in bklyn
drunk at party

none of them are very funny stories :/

a kid tried to strangle me during kickball once

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:04 (seventeen years ago) link

I'm not even getting into the things that happened to me once I started going to bars. (I did bite through my tongue at a show once, though.)

SECRET KUNG-FU DRINKING TRICK: If you're drunk enough, you can't even tell that you're getting hit until the next day.

beartrap: well, now my wackiness seems less funny.

― John Justen, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:04 (seventeen years ago) link

last time i got punched in the face: company xmas party at hotel in andover, ma breaks up around midnight. me and ceo roam the halls listening for a party to crash. we crash one, get thrown out, i get sucker punched and wake up the next day still in my suit with my shirt covered in blood and the pillowcase dried to my face.

― chicago kevin, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:04 (seventeen years ago) link

lets talk about ducks now

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

ceo went back to his room and hired escorts. true story.

― chicago kevin, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

i guess the kickball one's kinda funny because little kids hurting each other is usually funny

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

John's got a divot in his chest from where he got hit with a bat! (I don't know if he has any divots from getting hit by a van.)

SNAP: WOW I TRIED TO STRANGLE A KID DURING KICKBALL ONCE, SYNERGY

― HI DERE, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

i totally punched a duck once

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

they were not duck escorts.

xpost.

― chicago kevin, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

yeah little kids brawling is funny, most of the time

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:05 (seventeen years ago) link

i will say this: my weekend was worth it for thsi alone:

so on st paddy's day my friend c___ and i are on the way home from the bar. we live about two blocks away, and parted at the natural place. i went home, smoked a marijuana cigarette, and watched most of a terrible movie (Man of the Year, wtf), ignorant of what was happening about two hundred yards away: c___ pooping on his own front lawn.

apparently, he'd been carrying a charge with him for the entire walk home (about 15 minutes) and was ready to go as soon as he got home. he had, however, forgotten his keys in our friend's car. when the pump is all primed up like that, it's pretty much impossible to dial it back. especially since yr body has performed this transaction literally thousands of times, and has no reason to expect that it shouldn't go off without a hitch. desperate, he climbed his balcony and tried to credit card his door. this didn't work, so he climbed back down, retreated to the darkest corner of his yard, and dumped. then he called our friend k___(at 3am) to let them know about the keys (but not about the poopy).

SO MANY BEARTRAPS AND YES JAYMC IT WAS GOOD OLD B AND HER TWIN SISTER L3GGY THAT HAVE HAD THE SHARK'S SHARE OF ME FACE PUNCHING

why he didn't just come over to my house remains a mystery to this day (though I SUSPECT booze had something to do with it)

― river wolf, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:06 (seventeen years ago) link

dude seriously? shut up.

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

this is a non pooping thread

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

― river wolf, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

also st paddys day was months ago

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

I'VE BEEN SHOT AT. NOT BY A DUCK THOUGH. ;_;

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Dan is right. I now recall that I have been hit with a baseball bat three times.

― John Justen, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

whoa dude that's messed up

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

i know i just found out about this this weekend

― river wolf, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

ducks don't have guns because they are so cute!

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

guys there is a lot of odd biographical information on fborfw.com. i think i just sort of shattered pete's belief system when i told him that elly patterson has "acid rock" listed as one of her DISLIKES

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

hahaha what

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIES TO POST THAT GOD DAMN YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN NU-ILX

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

another crush ruined ;_1

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

fbofw.com=INSANE website

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:09 (seventeen years ago) link

ducks are only medium cute

godfuckingdamnitjustletmepostmypostggaghufonggpaf

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:09 (seventeen years ago) link

ELLY PATTERSON

Birth Date: August 26, 1951
Likes: Steaming lattes (skim milk - of course), leisurely soaks in the bathtub, teaching her granddaughter, playing with her grandson, weed-free gardening, good books, good movies, good live theatre, laughter, cooking (not necessarily in that order!)
Dislikes: Bathroom scales, creatures that shed (animals & humans alike), the smell of the back yard when the snow thaws, unreliable people, litterers, acid rock,, fighting and all that's "unfair"
Hobbies: Reading, the local theatre, volunteer committee for the Downtown Improvement Association, jogging, gardening, writing letters to friends (on real paper!)
Aspirations: Send & receive email effortlessly, be in shape to run a half marathon - not do it - just be able to! To put all the family photos in books - in order! Be remembered by her kids as having been a good mom.

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:09 (seventeen years ago) link

wait she's bad at email guys

― river wolf, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:10 (seventeen years ago) link

i mean, cut her some slack

― river wolf, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:10 (seventeen years ago) link

what the fuck

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:10 (seventeen years ago) link

CONTRAST with april, whose favorite band is "chunx"

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:11 (seventeen years ago) link

Dan is right. I now recall that I have been hit with a baseball bat three times.

-- John Justen,

John has been hit with bats so many times that he doesn't remember how many times he has been hit without help from friends!

― Sara R-C, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:11 (seventeen years ago) link

Birth Date: June 26, 1981
Likes: Being with family, holidays, home-cooked meals, Native culture, her cat
Dislikes: turnips, beets, dishonest people, lazy people, slow traffic, thong underwear, laundry
Hobbies: Singing, chatting online with friends, watching reality TV, reading, playing on her computer - something other than grading papers! Coming up with ways to help people who have difficulty reading
Aspirations:To someday become as great a teacher and inspiration as Ms. Edwards. To keep singing and be better at it. To marry a guy like Dad!

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:11 (seventeen years ago) link

Squirrel Patrol. So this is what the Capitol Police do when the halls of Congress have emptied for recess. Maybe the cops can’t play solitaire on their computers and take long lunches like the rest of Capitol Hill’s denizens. But they can tend to the urgent security threat presented by ... squirrels.

Last week, an address went out over the police radio system that “officers responding to the squirrel incident” were to come to the West Front of the Capitol. There, apparently, a nest of squirrels had fallen from a tree near the Grotto, leaving one dead and several injured.

Capitol Police arrived on the scene, and spokeswoman Sgt. Kimberly Schneider tells HOH that “the suggestion was to put the nest near the tree in the hopes that the mother squirrel and her young would return to it.” But that proposal was a no-go. “There were police around and she wouldn’t go back to the nest,” Schneider said.

And, sadly, the story has a tragic ending: according to the police account, by the time D.C. Animal Control arrived on the scene, all the squirrels were dead, she added.

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:12 (seventeen years ago) link

SQUIRREL POLICE

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:12 (seventeen years ago) link

also CONTRAST with grandpa jim, whose favorite band is POCKET PROTECTOR - band - pocket protector maryland band - jazz/funk - ram's head savage mill april 7, Larry Byrne (keys, guitar, baritone sax); Ryan LaHam (bass); Marty Bouchard (drums); Matt Dalton (tenor & alto sax); Mark Hopkins (vocals, guitar, keys): Jay Crawdads (vocals, percussion)

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:12 (seventeen years ago) link

another crush ruined

― river wolf, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:13 (seventeen years ago) link

8080

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:13 (seventeen years ago) link

everyone 8080 beartrap boxcar

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:13 (seventeen years ago) link

hahahahhahaofng puh

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:13 (seventeen years ago) link

I'm a popular guy, I guess. BRTRP

Wait, wait, POCKET PROTECTOR! Ryan LaHam is wicked awesome!

― John Justen, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:13 (seventeen years ago) link

also that squirrel story is bringing me down.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 9 April 2007 19:14 (seventeen years ago) link

dear walrus:

stop lying to us about grandpa jim and pocket protector pocket protector pocket protector pocket protector pocket protector pocket protector pocket protector pocket protector!

love

everyone else

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:14 (seventeen years ago) link

Fans of Pocket Protector also recommend:
Monkey Gone Mad (146), Public Access (71), Paddy Kilrain (66), See Girl Run (63), Jupiter Sunrise (54)

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:15 (seventeen years ago) link

UH michael patterson wtf?

Birth Date: April 28, 1976
Likes: Computers - when they work, his daughter's laugh, his son's funny baby noises, when "the muse" is present, his wife's smile, crisp fall days, good coffee and donuts, falling asleep on the morning train
Dislikes: Elvis, relish on his hotdogs, deadlines, guys who don't wash, writers who can't write, editors who can't edit
Hobbies: He is lucky enough to have a job that is also his hobby - writing! He has kept a diary for years and is now researching his and Deanna's family history. If Michael could call walking a hobby, he would - he does his best thinking during walks in the park.
Aspirations: To write a book someday, to be remembered by his children as a great dad, to grow old graciously, to be less emotional and more objective.

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:15 (seventeen years ago) link

also shut up dude elvis is awesome you fucking canadofascist

― pretzel walrus, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:16 (seventeen years ago) link

michael hongroson

― ghost rider, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:17 (seventeen years ago) link

wtf

― HI DERE, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:17 (seventeen years ago) link

If Michael could call walking a hobby

Why can't Michael call walking a hobby?

― Mr. Que, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:18 (seventeen years ago) link

"Pocket Protector" is one of the worst jazzbo funkster music geek in-joke names ever, BTW.

― John Justen, Monday, 9 April 2007 19:18 (seventeen years ago) link

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