― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:01 (twenty-one years ago) link
Keep em coming, this is really cool, in a disturbing sort of fashion.
― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:06 (twenty-one years ago) link
Chris stormed out of the bedroom, where he spent most of his time surrounded by pot smoke. He had recently gotten the Fuddruckers job, and to celebrate had gone to the grocery store and bought some lunch foods that he kept in a separate compartment of the refrigerator and cupboards. I had then been treated to a guided tour, during which Chris pointed out which foods I was allowed to touch and which I was to leave alone. (He didn't actually buy us food--mom fed me, herself, and my brother Jake, then a baby and now deceased, on food stamps, while he kept his job money to himself.)
Now, with my uncles there, he yelled at my mom: "If they use any of the food I bought for work I'm not buying any diapers for the baby!"
James and Bob took one look at each other and ran into the kitchen as fast as humanly possible, prepared themselves a dozen sandwiches, packed them in plastic bags and said, "Thanks, Lorie!" Chris grumbled "fuck you!" and stormed out of the house.
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:10 (twenty-one years ago) link
http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/
― ron (ron), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:24 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:40 (twenty-one years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:43 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:47 (twenty-one years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:53 (twenty-one years ago) link
My parents got divorced the summer after my senior year of high school....which means it was close to eight years ago. Dad and Mom separated long before then, of course, and Dad went to live with a woman he'd been counseling who had an apartment in her basement.
Before this had all fallen out, my sister and I had babysat the woman's kids--they knew and trusted us, and we got on well with them. We babysat the kids again at some point after the separation. As the youngest girl led me upstairs to a large double-bed in the attic, I asked "Who sleeps here?" "Mom and Steve," she replied guilelessly.
I kept that secret behind my teeth until well after the divorce was over. I know adultery might not sound like much to you, but my dad was a pastor and I trusted him to know better.
Dad, if you're reading this, you disappointed me so deeply when I heard that.
― Heather (Heather), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 07:17 (twenty-one years ago) link
Matos, best thread ever, btw.
― Mark C (Mark C), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 09:43 (twenty-one years ago) link
A very stupid comment on his part, one he'd regret that soon enough. Putting aside the welfare of the kid, a baby without a supply of diapers is an absolute menace.
― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:44 (twenty-one years ago) link
He once nailed our woodpile together.
― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:46 (twenty-one years ago) link
― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:46 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 11:08 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 11:38 (twenty-one years ago) link
― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:31 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:33 (twenty-one years ago) link
(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)
― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:19 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:35 (twenty-one years ago) link
― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:47 (twenty-one years ago) link
This one made me choke!
― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:38 (twenty-one years ago) link
Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.
"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:52 (twenty-one years ago) link
(J.Lu, see next entry)
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:54 (twenty-one years ago) link
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:56 (twenty-one years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:58 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:16 (twenty-one years ago) link
"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."
His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:24 (twenty-one years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:25 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:44 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:46 (twenty-one years ago) link
― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:19 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:27 (twenty-one years ago) link
― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:28 (twenty-one years ago) link
No no no, a Fox sitcom!
― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:30 (twenty-one years ago) link
I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.
― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-one years ago) link
Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-one years ago) link
― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-one years ago) link
― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:35 (twenty-one years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:36 (twenty-one years ago) link
― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:22 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:28 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:36 (twenty-one years ago) link
― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:39 (twenty-one years ago) link
korean
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-one years ago) link
I should really get back to work, sorry.
― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:50 (twenty-one years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:55 (twenty-one years ago) link
"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"
"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.
"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:00 (twenty-one years ago) link
Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:06 (twenty-one years ago) link
But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:28 (fourteen years ago) link
I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.
― Mark G, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:30 (fourteen years ago) link
"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"
― Huckabee Jesus lifeline (HI DERE), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:58 (fourteen years ago) link
"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.
― Sock Puppet Pizza Delivers To The Forest (Sock Puppet Queso Con Concentrate), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 16:04 (fourteen years ago) link
He can't change his face into a hearat.
― the onimo effect (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 11 December 2009 17:00 (fourteen years ago) link
There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?
― the clones of tldr funkenstein (James Redd and the Blecchs), Monday, 25 January 2010 21:27 (fourteen years ago) link
I just read this thread for the first time. Chris is my new god.
― Mr. Snrub, Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:06 (fourteen years ago) link
i had a burger at fuddrucker's today and couldn't stop thinking about this thread.
― altered dominant (get bent), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:32 (fourteen years ago) link
I've never seen this thread before but it's tremendous
― Mordy, Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fourteen years ago) link
It is exceptionally essential.
― kissogram powers (Abbott), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fourteen years ago) link
Revive in honor of Father's Day!
― kkvgz, Friday, 18 June 2010 20:34 (thirteen years ago) link
hahaha
― Mexico, camp, horns, Zappa, Mr. Bungle (Matos W.K.), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:25 (thirteen years ago) link
much love, Matos.
― Filmmaker, Author, Radio Host Stephen Baldwin (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:34 (thirteen years ago) link
Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.
― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Saturday, 29 January 2011 17:54 (thirteen years ago) link
My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.
― Rotating & Blunders (MintIce), Saturday, 29 January 2011 18:32 (thirteen years ago) link
Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.
― HAPPY BDAY TOOTS (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Sunday, 24 February 2013 21:52 (eleven years ago) link
ty, this was special
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:25 (eleven years ago) link
all-time
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:26 (eleven years ago) link
For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...
― Mark G, Monday, 25 February 2013 07:47 (eleven years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y
― Milton Parker, Monday, 25 February 2013 19:29 (eleven years ago) link
Just doin' my civic duty.
― HOOS next aka won't get steened again (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 02:10 (ten years ago) link
----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time
So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally
― albvivertine, Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:18 (ten years ago) link
best thread
― freelance helgenberger (get bent), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (ten years ago) link
You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (ten years ago) link
His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.
― carlos danger zone (mh), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:20 (ten years ago) link
Oh yes of course.
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:29 (ten years ago) link
This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:30 (ten years ago) link
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 05:03 (ten years ago) link
"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"
― brotha george lynch hung (how's life), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 17:31 (ten years ago) link
still classic
― Roz, Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:51 (nine years ago) link
"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.
― Okay, there's lil' Zipper again (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 27 August 2014 16:21 (nine years ago) link
"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."
I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?
― Tuomas, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 09:58 (nine years ago) link
The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.
― post...aftermath (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 14:22 (nine years ago) link
yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.
my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.
anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?
― I dunno. (amateurist), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:48 (nine years ago) link
i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)
― Ludo, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:51 (nine years ago) link