Your Larry David moments (Warning! Blandness!)

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whew

― Hammond Eggars (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:44 (twenty years ago) link

A good portion of my workday is Larry David-esque. I work on a floor with people who work for the same company but in vastly different capacities, so we never interact with each other. However, we see each other every day while riding the elevator, getting coffee, going to the bathroom, etc., so there's always a lot of awkward standing around and trying to avoid eye contact with the other person. In some cases, there's almost like an intangible, subcutaneous animosity there, like "Oh fuck, it's YOU again -- Christ, haven't you had enough coffee today?" (This, directed toward me.)

― Baked Bean Teeth (Baked Bean Teeth), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:52 (twenty years ago) link

Adam, can you make that into a movie? That would make an excellent movie.

Huck, you can make yours in to a stand-up routine.

― ...in bed. (Chris Piuma), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:53 (twenty years ago) link

Suddenly I am imagining 3BOS to be this huge bureaucratic monstrosity (when obviously that's not what you're talking about).

― ...in bed. (Chris Piuma), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:54 (twenty years ago) link

So what did Larry David play in Television?

He was on the cowbell for a while when they were really BOC infleunced.

― christhamrin (christhamrin), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:55 (twenty years ago) link

Yeah, well, spring is here, and I'm going to start hitting the open mike circuit again. And I'm thinking about just like reading from my day planner.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:57 (twenty years ago) link

Will you be touring the West Coast US?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 15:58 (twenty years ago) link

The West Coast of Wascana Lake!

http://www.wascanalake.com

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:00 (twenty years ago) link

Haha, Chris...if only.

― Baked Bean Teeth (Baked Bean Teeth), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:01 (twenty years ago) link

You can practice your humor right here on ile

― christhamrin (christhamrin), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:04 (twenty years ago) link

(I mean if it is not so Larry David and more bad and observational)

― christhamrin (christhamrin), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:05 (twenty years ago) link

I love saying "television's [x]".

You and me both, buddy!

Actually, I usually say "TV's." But it's a bit of an addiction for me. People make fun of me for it.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:14 (twenty years ago) link

Really really? Let's be friends!

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:15 (twenty years ago) link

I also call popular comedians "funnyman," as in "funnyman Steve Martin."

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:16 (twenty years ago) link

I love doing it with places, too. Like "London's fashionable Hoxton" and "San Francisco's renowned Golden Gate Park".

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:16 (twenty years ago) link

I also call popular comedians "funnyman," as in "funnyman Steve Martin."

dear god not "the comedy stylings of..."

― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:18 (twenty years ago) link

I put the word "signature" in front of words constantly.

"Here's my signature dish, grilled cheese sandwich and a pickle" etc

― Hammond Eggars (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:20 (twenty years ago) link

Does anyone else needlessly say "the proverbial"? Even when there is not a proverb in existence about the object in question?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:21 (twenty years ago) link

Every day I buy something called a "saigon sub" at the local Vietnamese deli, this $1 baguette with nice, greasy meat in. I always ask for mayonnaise, but one of the servers never puts mayonnaise in, no matter how much I ask. One time, I called her on it:
ME: "I didn't see you put mayonnaise in my baguette!"
SERVER: "I put mayonnaise in your baguette! Look!"
Anyway, later in the day, I eat the baguette -- there's no mayonnaise -- so now, every time that server makes my sandwich, I make sure I watch her right hand during the entire sandwich construction process -- and she still lies to me about putting mayonnaise in.
"I put mayonnaise in!"
"I've been watching your hands the entire time, you didn't spread it once."
Etc; ad nauseam; dies of stress-induced cancers.

― Chuck Tatum (Chuck Tatum), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:36 (twenty years ago) link

why would you want to ruin a perfectly nice vietnamese sandwich with mayo??

― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:38 (twenty years ago) link

My next car is so a Prius.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:40 (twenty years ago) link

Chuck, I knew I could count on you.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:40 (twenty years ago) link

Most mornings I stop by this deli/convenience store place to pick up a muffin and/or some fruit, and lately there's only been one cashier there, and one of her hands appears to be curled up into a ball with some sort of deformity, so she can only use one hand to ring up the purchase, take money, and make change. I still can't decide if it's easier to just give her bills and have her give the change back, or give her exact change.

― Baked Bean Teeth (Baked Bean Teeth), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:41 (twenty years ago) link

Mizz Fries, to answer your inquiry, please reference the side-splitting wholesome Hollywood comedy _Big Night_, wherein a restaurant customer asks the restaurant co-owner (played by actor supreme Stanley Tucci) for a side of pasta & meatballs to go w/ her risotto. (Or something like that.)

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:42 (twenty years ago) link

Does anyone else needlessly say "the proverbial"?

they're like the proverbial two wings on the same chicken who never meet
-- lawrence kansas (lawrence_kansa...), November 5th, 2003.

It's sad that I can remember posting that.

― lawrence_kansas (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:45 (twenty years ago) link

My word is "canonical". As in "that's my canonical favorite song". But I use the rest of them too.

Huck, you're like the Mort Sahl of the Day-at-a-Glance set!

― ...in bed. (Chris Piuma), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 16:46 (twenty years ago) link

chris, the new name is super funny. is it reference to fortune cookies?

― JaXoN (JasonD), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 19:44 (twenty years ago) link

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday: New Moon
Friday:

Uh, this is pretty lame, huh?

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 19:48 (twenty years ago) link

This seems as good a thread as any to tell this story
When I visited Hong Kong I stayed with my friend who lived in a 42 storey apartment block. I arrived on Friday evening and he guided me around the city over the weekend. When you're following somebody around like this you don't do much thinking for yourself, and also there was some drinking. Anyway, on the Monday he went to work and gave me a spare key. I did some sightseeing and came back to the building in the evening. At this point I realised that I had no idea what floor my friend's apartment was on. And I didn't have his phone number.
I tried a few floors at random, but none looked quite right (and they all looked very similar)
Eventually I decided to start from the top of the building and work my way down one floor at a time. I then listened at the door equivalent to where my friend's was. I ruled out any where there was Chinese TV or people talking. Two and a half hours later I found him.
His was the 14th floor.

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 19:58 (twenty years ago) link

*applause*

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:01 (twenty years ago) link

It's standard practise for me to go to work on a holiday by accident.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:06 (twenty years ago) link

one time i got two free tickets to a giants game. no one wanted to go and the game was just about to start, but it was rush hour. i figured the only way i could get to the game in time was to drive in the carpool lane. i didn't want to get a ticket so i picked up a prostitute. she saw that i had two tickets and forced me to give her one. i had to sit next to her for the entire game. it was grueling

― JaXoN (JasonD), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:08 (twenty years ago) link

I hope that's a true story.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:09 (twenty years ago) link

Hey JaXoN, I'm sorry I didn't make last wknd! Trust me, I was not in a good state.

So...IS that a true story?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:11 (twenty years ago) link

If it's not, I'm gonna get somebody tough, like Nickalicious, to throw you down a flight of stairs.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:11 (twenty years ago) link

you guys don't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm enough

― JaXoN (JasonD), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:52 (twenty years ago) link

ps. adam, no worries. it was fun, but not overly. Alex in SF & gygax came out. there were cupcakes (which a heavyset couple we'd never met kept stealing). there was a fight involving the male half of said heavyset couple and some skinny indie rock meth head.

― JaXoN (JasonD), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 20:55 (twenty years ago) link

Yesterday, I went down to the store to buy some minced meat, but on the way I saw two parking officers going at it, signing out tickets to two cars. Since I usually park my own car in that street myself, I asked:

"Okay, now I want to know: You guys know as well as I do that it is almost impossible to find a parking spot in this city. I know that these cars are, technically, parked to close to the street corner, but do you actually fine them, even though they don't bother anyone, let alone the traffic?".

Parking guy 1: "Yes. You have to park beyond this line in the sidewalk", and then he pointed to a decorative and paper-thin line in the tiling.

Me: "Surely that can't be right. I don't particularly having seen such sidewalk decoration anywhere else than on this particular street corner".

Parking guy 1: "Oh yes it is. If you don't park behind that line, a fire truck won't be able to round the corner!"

Me [baffled]: "I never heard of that 'rule'".

Parking guy 1: "Oh yes".

Me: "But the law says that you have to park 10 metres from every street corner, so whydon't you fine the guy parked behind him, too? He's only like 5 metres away from the corner".

Parking guy 2: "We try to be reasonable. We are not trying to punish people for no reason".

Me: "Of course not, but when can I know if I have parked illegally?".

Parking guy 2: "You can count the cobblestones. There has to be 12-15 of them between the corner and your car".

Me: "Say what? That's not even close to 10 metres, more like one or two".

Parking guy 1: "We try to be reasonable".

Me: "So I guess that I just have to park and then pray that whoever of you guys comes by have the same parameters as myself?".

Parking guy 1: "I guess so".

That was fucking surreal, I tell you.

― Jay Kid (Jay K), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 21:13 (twenty years ago) link

Does anyone have a sponge?

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 21:28 (twenty years ago) link

YOU'RE NOT SPONGEWORTHY! HUH! HUH! HUH!

― Amphetamines J. Broadway, Wednesday, 7 April 2004 22:04 (twenty years ago) link

Girlfriend's story:

She's in the university library, and asks a clerk what the opening time is over the Easter weekend.

CLERK: You can find that information on the internet.
G'FRIEND: Can't you just tell me now?
CLERK: I'm sorry. You can find that information on the internet.

Etc. Heart murmurs. Death.

― Chuck Tatum (Chuck Tatum), Thursday, 8 April 2004 19:01 (twenty years ago) link

JaXoN: Thanks, and yes. Also relates to my unemployed and semi-vegetative state these days.

― ...in bed. (Chris Piuma), Thursday, 8 April 2004 19:21 (twenty years ago) link

nine months pass...

There is a little store beneath the building where I work. They sell candy, beverages, magazines, lottery tickets, and tobacco products. On the counter there is a jar bearing the legend "TIPPING IS NOT A CRIME". I don't mean to be a dick about this, but what is the minimum effort for which I am required to reward you with a gratuity? If I buy a magazine, I BRING IT TO YOU and pay for it. So what am I tipping for? Am I to assume that you are the individual who keeps this little establishment so adequately stocked? Is it for your customer service? And if so, why are you on the phone all the time and barely acknowledging me?

― .ada.m. (nordicskilla), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:02 (nineteen years ago) link

WHO DOES THAT?! THAT'S *INSANE*!@#@##!!

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:06 (nineteen years ago) link

adam, have you been watching early seinfeld?

― cozen (Cozen), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:10 (nineteen years ago) link

Are you agreeing with me (I got your emails, btw!)?

xp - not recently, no

― .ada.m. (nordicskilla), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:10 (nineteen years ago) link

xxpost: sorry, should have explained, that's my Jeff impression.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:11 (nineteen years ago) link

it was a very good jeff impression, I thought.

― cozen (Cozen), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:12 (nineteen years ago) link

haha!

― .ada.m. (nordicskilla), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:12 (nineteen years ago) link

I had sort of a Seinfeld moment Friday. I parked my car on a street and walked to an ATM. A parking attendant was ticketing a car parked in a handicapped spot a couple of car lengths down from me. Two minutes later when I walked back, he was ticketing MY car! I hadn't noticed the "no parking between 12pm and 3pm on Friday" sign. I walk up and say, "hey I was just getting cash from the ATM, didn't you see me walk by?" and he said "Yes". I asked him, "Why didn't you tell me to move or else I'd get a ticket?" He just handed me the ticket and said, "Sorry." So I said something like "Okay, I just don't see why you didn't warn me, that's all. I thought parking ticket guy etiquette was to throw out a warning or something. My mistake."

I was pretty pissed, guy could have said something.

― Riot Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 22:16 (nineteen years ago) link

Skipping 38 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

let us clear this up by renaming the adams mary kate and ashley. new orleans adam-you are ashley.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Thursday, 27 January 2005 19:52 (nineteen years ago) link

I was just kidding about the Christmas Card anyway.
I guess I need to pay closer attention to the emails after the log-in names. Carry on!

xxxpost

― Huk-L, Thursday, 27 January 2005 19:53 (nineteen years ago) link

Fuck that noise, I want to be Mary-Kate. Ashley is kind of fruity.

― adam (adam), Thursday, 27 January 2005 19:56 (nineteen years ago) link

Is the same one who emigrated from the UK the one who recommended (long ago) John Fante? Which one loves Chiklis?

ALL me

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 19:56 (nineteen years ago) link

I like Chiklis but haven't seen any of The Shield past season 2.

― adam (adam), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:14 (nineteen years ago) link

Then you don't really like Chiklis, do you?

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:15 (nineteen years ago) link

Season 2 is a high point. New season starts next month!! A RECORD for a cable tv show!

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:19 (nineteen years ago) link

Really? What season is it?

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:20 (nineteen years ago) link

Wait, what are you talking about? I just checked and it debuted in 2002!

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:21 (nineteen years ago) link

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:22 (nineteen years ago) link

wait...The Sopranos is on season 6? 7?

I'm confused. It's SOME kind of record, I'm sure.

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:22 (nineteen years ago) link

A RECORD for a cable tv show!

"Headline News" (1982) [TV-Series 1982-????]
"The Daily Show" (1996) [TV-Series 1996-????]
"Talk Soup" (1991) [TV-Series 1991-2002]
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988) [TV-Series 1988-1999]

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:31 (nineteen years ago) link

When did Talk Soup end? Damn, I'm out of the loop w/out cable.

― adam (adam), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:32 (nineteen years ago) link

Obv it ended it 2002 but that was more an expression of disbelief.

― adam (adam), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:32 (nineteen years ago) link

"The Real World" (1992) [TV-Series 1992-????]

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:33 (nineteen years ago) link

It's a record for FX:

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,271%7C87925%7C1%7C,00.html

EAT MY FACTS

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:33 (nineteen years ago) link

Yeah, I didn't realize Talk Soup had ended, either. I only really watched it when John Henson was the host.

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:33 (nineteen years ago) link

It's still there, essentially -- it's "The Soup" now, and covers reality shows more than talk shows. The guy who hosts it is so annoying and unfunny that I think it's deliberate, but doesn't manage to be any less annoying or unfunny as a result.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:35 (nineteen years ago) link

The host looks like he would post to ilx.

― Leon the Fatboy (Ex Leon), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:44 (nineteen years ago) link

You think he's secretly Custos?

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:47 (nineteen years ago) link

http://cache.eonline.com/On/People/Images/bio.mchale.joel.04.jpg

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:48 (nineteen years ago) link

Every time I flip through and see the show, I think he's Ryan Seacrest. Only with a sassier head tilt.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:49 (nineteen years ago) link

Graham Norton?

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:50 (nineteen years ago) link

Damn you jaymc for being faster than I.
"Obsessed Joel McHale fans (or bored people) may also recognize him from the latest run of Burger King commercials, which feature him as the office jerk."
Yeah, now we hate you more BK guy.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 27 January 2005 20:50 (nineteen years ago) link

luc sante is a good writer too.

my next car will be a prius.

― cozen (Cozen), Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:07 (nineteen years ago) link

luc sante is marvellous

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:08 (nineteen years ago) link

Fans of Luc Sante, David Maurer et al -- look here!

― adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:08 (nineteen years ago) link

Dan Kennedy is my current writing hero. Partly because I think I can reach his level of success. Also because he's really funny.

― Huk-L, Thursday, 27 January 2005 21:08 (nineteen years ago) link

I keep wanting to change the "Blandness!" in the thread title to "Banality!"

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 27 January 2005 22:22 (nineteen years ago) link

Emitch: dude- my owner/landlord is doing work outside, just rings the doorbell and tries to hand me a can of soup asking if i can warm it up for him. i was like "are you serious? I'm working."
spencerchow: haha
spencerchow: it would be cool *maybe* if he asked if he could warm it up
Emitch: i invited him in to do it and he was like, no no...
spencerchow: ha
Emitch: he was like, "just put it in a pan on the stove..
Emitch: lol
spencerchow: not even microwave
spencerchow: hahahahahaha
spencerchow: that's a very curb your enthusiasm

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Thursday, 3 February 2005 21:10 (nineteen years ago) link

five years pass...

what do you think is the best Curb season so far?

― Zeno, Wednesday, 18 August 2010 22:08 (fourteen years ago) link

I get into the elevator with my boss -- a 68-year-old Jewish lawyer who is fairly dapper and charming -- and Richard, another older lawyer who is friends with my boss and looks kind of like Larry David.

A nice-looking, stylish 60-ish woman gets into the elevator.

Richard: I always wonder why men don't carry handbags. That would make life so much easier.
Woman: (something like "well yes I suppose so")
Boss: And that's a very nice handbag, by the way.
Woman: Oh, well thank you.
Boss: And a lovely necklace too, by the way.
Woman: Well thank you very much.
Richard: I think my wife just gave a handbag like that to the Salvation Army.

― Theodore "Thee Diddy" Roosevelt (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 18 August 2010 22:21 (fourteen years ago) link

four years pass...

If anyone has an extra ticket to Fish and doesn't feel like ripping off a stranger, please let me know

― calstars, Saturday, 7 March 2015 01:14 (nine years ago) link

A nice-looking, stylish 60-ish woman gets into the elevator.

― Theodore "Thee Diddy" Roosevelt (Hurting 2), Wednesday, August 18, 2010 5:21 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

haha, I thought of this story as soon as I saw the thread title, then realized it was here already

― five six and (man alive), Saturday, 7 March 2015 02:09 (nine years ago) link

I once visited the Hon. Richard Posner's federal courtroom, and in appearance and behavior Curb could have been based on him.

http://www.acslaw.org/sites/default/files/posner2_1.JPG

― bit of a singles monster (Eazy), Saturday, 7 March 2015 02:25 (nine years ago) link

ten months pass...

Hosting SNL this week! So excited. I wish Larry would live forever.

― calstars, Thursday, 4 February 2016 01:44 (eight years ago) link

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