My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

Find a Fudds

"Hey, do you know who this is?" he'd ask.

"No, who?" I'd say.

"Guess Who."

"I don't know, who?"

"Guess Who."

"I don't know, who?"

"Guess Who."

Ad nauseam, until he'd finally say, "it's the Guess Who, the band." (Note: I should take part of the blame for this, because it actually worked more than once.)

Sample conversation: "Hey, Mick, what you doing tonight?"

"I dunno, Mick. What's Mick doing?"

"I think he and Mick are getting together to watch the game."

"You think Mick and Mick will let us join them, Mick?"

etc.

I don't know if these anecdotes are supposed to be funny or what. I laughed my ass off just in case.

This may have been an appeal to the very large Salvadoran population in the DC area. Moran represents Northern VA, I believe. Though I think most of the Salvadorans live in NW DC.

It is how guys keep swimming in a straight line...by using their fuckrudders.

Matos? Did your siblings recognize Chris' ridiculous nature? At what age did you understand how illogical and ignorant this Chris guy was? And HOW did your mom hook up with him? And if you have children, are they also able to recognize craziness?

And yes, Moran said it to appeal to the Salvadoran population. Before 9-11 Bush was pushing for an amnesty for illegal Mexican immigrants, and Moran, whose district has very few Mexicans but many many Salvadorans, made the comment. To be fair, apparently Mexicans and Salvadorans are extremely similar culturally. And an amnesty for them would be nice.

Of course Moran is an idiot in many other ways...

That's my uncle! Chris, we're going to be cousins!

Let me tell mine... I grew up in Detroit, and we used to take trips all over to see relatives. It was me, my ma and my dad. Well, he hated to stop all the time to let us pee along the way, because he always liked to make good time. So he bought a PORT-A-POTTY for the van we drove. This was a stinky little 2'x 2'x 2' plastic portable toilet, with chemicals in the bottom to break stuff up. After he bought it, anytime that he was in the car and we had to pee, we'd have to use the port-a-potty. Driving 85 miles on the interstate, sitting two feel off the bottom of the floor of the car, trying to pee, with bleachy chemicals licking your bottom, trying not to tip over... was a nightmare. Things were even worse when he was taking me and my little friends to the beach or something. He had no qualms about makeing little girls he didn't really know use it. AND there'd constantly be toilet paper rolling around the floor of the car. So totally embarassing for me!! And it stunk seriously bad. And you were visible to not only everyone in the car, but everyone on the road (because those tinted windows aren't really too hard to see through.) And the thing was known to tip over if the van made a sharp turn - and of course it's your fault, and you get your ass beat.

We'd rented a van to drive from Las Vegas to Laughlin NV where we were having our family reunion. We've been driving about an hour ... when suddenly he says, "Say ..." *he's pointing to the dashboard on which some buttons have bumps on them so you can feel where they are*

"This must be a really new car ... it's even set up with Braille"

His oldest son and I just turn our heads to exchange this astonished, grinning look, and his son says ... "Dad. ... Why would a blind driver need headlights?"

And the Ex said ... "So other drivers can see them coming" ... LOL ... by that time he'd figured it out

I have one about my dad. (actually many, but will share one for now)

In May of 2000 I planned a trip to Alaska to meet my online email-pal. Before embarking on my trip dad asked if I had gotten any traveler's checks. I said "nah, no one really uses those much anymore. I'm just going to take my Visa debit card with me, and a little cash."

dad: "well, what if places in Alaska don't take Visa?"

me: "dad, almost everyplace on earth takes credit cards. If I get to a store or restaurant that doesn't, I'll just go to an ATM and get cash with my debit card."

dad: "oh, that worries me! How will you balance your checking account?"

me: "uhhh, write it down? like always?"

dad: "But what about the exchange rate? How will you calculate that? You aren't very good at math, you know?"

me: ( slack jawed expression ) "um, dad, Alaska is part of the states. As in The United States? You know? JUST LIKE US!"

dad: "Yeah! But they use Canadian money up there!"

BEST. THREAD. EVAH.

(of the top ten)

I.E. SPAIN

Showed up at a gig in the mid-90s where a major label A&R guy was to see us. Everyone else set up. The leaad guitarist said " Hey man, where's your guitar"
My husband (rhythm guitar), with a straight face looked back and said "Oh, shit, I forgot it":

I rest my case.