God bless the goddamn Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/united_airlines_exploring

HAHAH.

"EMT Craig Anton was first on the scene."
"I jumped out of the ambulance and I ran to the wreckage to make sure that the victim was still breathing or else was Glenn Beck."

Hahah yes "radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday" was hilarious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEyFH-a-XoQ

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/timeless_masterpiece_liked

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

The choice of Escondido as the setting = utterly OTM.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyNewspapers.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Obama_wh.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_t

Love the presenters.

My adolescence in a nutshell. (Warning: Plays audio.)

You know, I'm surprised this hadn't been done yet:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nations_music_snobs_protest

haa

I saw it earlier but I've been mad busy today

was also prevented by personal wretchedness felt when catching myself thinking 'hmm, I don't really imagine that Sasha Frere-Jones would big up Dream Theater in this situation, somehow'

Every Onion music story must reference Steely Dan now, it's a rule.

A small but especially vocal contingent tirelessly lobbied for the inclusion of at least one selection from Steely Dan's 1977 tour de force Aja, preferably the song "Peg."

"Blatantly dismissing what the U.S. government has done to these men is an unconscionable miscarriage of justice," Pitchfork.com contributor Andy Ragazzo said. "I've been here for nearly six hours, and I haven't heard one person other than myself so much as mention the groundbreaking work of minimal techno and microhouse artist Ricardo Villalobos."

"It almost makes me ashamed to be an American," Ragazzo added

OK who's the ILX inside man at the Onion... fess up!

the funny thing is that I am one of those music snobs who has complained about the predictable use of metallica to torture prisoners

Little Bummer Boy

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyXmasDecor.jpg

http://www.last.fm/music/Part+Chimp/_/Li%27l+Bummerboy

I like that the obvious label requires a parenthetical aside.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_device_desirable_old_device

^^ came here to post that; it describes me to a tee -0-

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_study_reveals_most_children

Heartbreakingly OTM

got two onion compilation for christmas, happy days.

http://www.theonion.com/content/ourannualyear09

loving this whole thing

The one about the Sumerians is killing me.

Hahah this is great. The "long elaborate timeline" with "15 year old enlightened by Nirvana" in 100BC and again in 1991.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSt1m4NFUl8

Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

They're on to ILX: Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/as_much_as_i_hated_putting_my

has everybody seen the dedicated Jean Teasdale site? http://hometowns.cyber-net-village.com/Orlando/7302/Rick/sportzone/misc/folders/Jean/index.php

;_;

xpost

i went out with jean teasdale in school i think.

dog story hits a little too close to the bone to bring the lols. :'(

(I'm still waiting for my little guy to wake up too.)

I think we all did, darraghmac.

dog story seem mean spirited :(

reminds me of that scene in dumb and dumber where they behead the blind girls parrot and put it back on with foil. and the girl just sits there and pets it and waits for it to talk. made me all sad in fifth grade.

going out with jean teasdale made me sad in 5th grade

that dog story is almost perfect in its commitment to cruel comedy

http://www.theonion.com/content/cartoon/feb-01-2010

Editorial cartoons are back, though this one seems out of character for a true, America-lovin' Dem-hatin' patriot like Kelly.

OMG the Jean Teasdale site. I love the URL, that just makes it perfect.

Massive Earthquake Reveals Entire Island Civilization Called 'Haiti'

more otm and sad than funny.

"Allowing gays to serve openly in the Army is a long overdue reform, but it must be accompanied by an assurance that heterosexuals will be able to serve openly in the Navy."

holy lol

NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission

Hahahah @ all the Major toms.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyNasaBudget.jpg

lol @ "'red' alert"