make up some fake, inscrutable adages and post them here

because why should the sandbox have all the fun

guys don't make passes
at tupperware classes

if you can't pick a zit with it, don't get upset with it

a three-legged man needn't suffer the runs

i was gonna but

yeah, it's pretty annoying. maybe i delete it.

the passing of a sixteenth bishop occurs only on a waxing crescent

the truth whispered from god to bjork will come to truth when the krill grow legs

it is what it is, a zit

You've seen one hongro, you've seen them all.

putting the kart before the mario

if you've never had it, you can't say you've never had had it

the oily baby never sleeps

thread of this guy

http://www.jrj-socrates.com/Cartoon%20Pics/Cartoon%20Network/Ed%20Edd%20&%20Eddy/Rolf_300.gif

clean linen oft hid a pissy mattress

hmm that's scrutable tbf

you've got to lick it before you click it

a stick in the guts is easier than a kick in the nuts

absent friends make for bigger rooms

if spring is a hat, then summer is a cape

The third harvest of the year often withers the scythe.

bricks make the brother

why buy a book when it's springtime in Shanghai?

otm

People who live in glass houses should not grow trees

A bird in the hand is worth it.

Be Patient: God loves a ciggie.

There are more things in your bag than there are in that dude's knapsack.

Painting is next to Cleethorpes.

Going Commando is a bad idea in a good invasion.

I could do these all day, but I shall stop with one I actually heard one small boy say to a small girl.

"My dad says your mum's stupid"

the yolk of oppression is yellow as the sun and as runny as the nile

Many a fan has been fluttered in the face of an owl

If you want the butcher's best, be gracious to your guest.

[You're] as predictable as a wooden book.

(actually heard someone say this once)

Shepherds' pats on your cheese slats

Morning is showing picture of a pony to a milkman.

A mug from a place you've never been/is sure to catch the whole world's sin.

you don't stifle a fart by holding it in, but by destroying the source of the methane

The tweaking midwife always spills the bongwater of the expectant mother.

If you can't trust a man, then you surely can't leave your house

A fart a day can make your troubles seem square.

If you want to win, make your opponent sleep backwards

Wear a scarf in the summer? Someone barfed on your mother.

"Just because it rhymes
doesn't mean it's true"

step on a crack, call the council.

talk like you're wistful. walk like you're full of wind.

Penny time is any time you huff a puff of rye.

New friends sit on your lap
Old friends give you dap

it takes a rabbit to scare a miser

forgotten memories are priceless, but lifelong regrets are free

a snake in the purse is worth the curse

this is called money bags

Be aware of your feelings when you feel first strongly.

Forget the things you hold most dear, for antlers have no memory

You never get it right until you get it wrong right.

"This fermentation can cause the common symptoms include diarrhoea or loose motions, wind and abdominal bloating and discomfort."

live like you're vacationing when home, and live like you're home when vacationing

that one is good, it's like SOOOO close to meaningful

My Penis is untimely.

You can't find your way back to shore with a breadcrumb trail.

Don't save your best wine for a storm.

Dressing rags impresses the ragpicker.

Dammit. Dressing in rags.

never hesitate on the stairs when you could be sleeping on the floor

the cloud you see is brighter than the sun you don't

the turd in your hand becomes earth once you flush

no one ever went broke by robbing a dice game

it's not the size of the dog in the fight / that keeps the neighbors up all night

it takes a shooting star each day / to make a degree in Astronomy pay

Last people don't come nice

A rich man doesn't string his own cello

sweet froth at night/angel delight
sweeth froth in morning/porridge shite

don't step to the beat that gives you crossed feet

Indoor shoes are no match for soft floors.

it is better to have manned a wall than to have walled a man

Amanda Wall

life is a lossless format — you can't resample a memory!

A spent penny is worth more than a pound.

A marriage vow has no poetry

A lost cause is its own reward.

Never outrun success, smelling the roses is the journey

nine sisters makes a barrowful, nine brothers makes a mess

Ask a lost traveler for a map on a dare, reader beware

The wayward stripe oft pockets a solid

Your ace in the hole is the hole in your ass.

To see Harpo Marx is to see Oprah W rammed aside.

The turtle of capitalism is painted on the face of the recidivist.

To work constantly is to pick up the bayonet!

A revolutionary action starts with a tiny weed.

Once a toast, always a bread.

The bosom of shame has milk for those who will drink it.

Two Garys don't make a Robert.

A ceiling is only as high as the shortest man that can't get into the building.

Face down in the shade, a lying man waits.

a knife in the back is worse than two in the kitchen

You can't spell "abort" without art and b.o.

Fear the reaper and swaddle the tweaker.

Holler in a hole, kill your mother's soul.

Behind every great person is a people's front

When rich men weep the mountains grow steep.

Its easy to be a knocker, its harder to be a door

better a pennyworth of timber than a mountebank for a cousin

It is the fool who pulls the stray thread; the wise man tucks it up under.

Just because tomatoes grow in the dark, doesn't mean a dog will.

the only thing more true than change is the changing of truth

which way which will

he who breaks bread keeps his head

you can't unsuck a dick

neither fake nor inscrutable

A dick in the hand is worth two in the tush.

When you're young you only have left friends.
When you're old you barely have friends left.

--Winston Churchill

many a sweet poon was splayed on an old piddle

^ too good to leave in sandbox tbh

King Kong rationalised his risk, and look what happened to him!

Nothing is plastic once it's worn

A moth to a flame makes a sane man lame.

Every fight about work is a fight about fighting about work.

Ain't no party like the Democratic party cause the Democratic party has pizza rolls

Bees knees are overrated.

When the beast kneels, the feast begins!

demi lovato and wilder valderrama's dog 'spawn' died, he was fez on tv

Show me a person that understands fractions, and I'll show you a really neat piece of ice

A really neat piece of ice doesn't last forever, so try to get other people to look at it while it still exists

as long as I have a face, you'll always have a place to sit

if you're not going to wash it, don't expect anybody to eat it

when a banana loses its peel, it gains what it lost in elasticity

a real man doesn't see with his eyes - he dances with them

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to explain what was so neat about a piece of ice that wasn't documented properly before it completely melted

When passing through a dark moment in time, one must always remember to bring a flashlight. and the right batteries for the flashlight.

don't step on a crack
Or Aunt Jemima will no longer be Black

the worm turns easier through an apple

An owl in the hand doesnt give a hoot.

Even a toad avoids a sleeping rat.

The owl sings the other birds to sleep.

When the rose is in the arbor, the ship stays in the harbor.

Fool me thrice: neat piece of ice!

Pontius Pilate
Would have been a Pirate
But for want of an "Rrrrrrr!"

When the rose is in the arbor, the ship stays in the harbor.

Is this about sex?

what do you think?

Three pennies are enough to gild a pig.

If I whine, I am pine
If I purr, I am fir
If I creak, I am teak
If I crash, I am ash
If I screech, I am beech
If I lurch, I am birch
If I spoke, I am oak

if it's long, bulbous and thick
make sure it's zucchini
and not a dick

You can't burn a fork.

Yawn at the dawn
Be right at the right

when the heedless boar disturbs the beehive, many oxen suffer also

Dead Libyans make poor allies.

― The burrito of ennui (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Wednesday, 10 February 2016 22:55 (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

blood doesn't pool in a broken limb

if foxes had orchards, assholes would work

No one will appreciate your really neat piece of ice, so enjoy it on your own terms, alone

^ pithy!

Over the years I have learned much from the cube

When a loved one dies, don't be sad
Cos you can take their stuff

Always listen to your parents
And get a stenographer to write it down
Then later in life, when they're on their deathbeds
Body them with their lies

and take their stuff

an ex-gf was incredibly funny w these (she used to do them in the voice of steve earle's character in the wire) but i cannot remember any of them because none of them made enough sense to remember. just remember not being able to breathe.

men seldom make passes, much like inert gases

find a penny on the floor
Ned Beatty will come through your door

If you can't see the forest, you can't hear the tree.

Bodhidharma would have been all over this thread

When the wind blows, the wind knows

One sweater, never better
Two or more, your father's a whore

Red sky at night, shepherds' delight
Red sky in the morning, horrible morning

You dont react to the shark, you react to the other fish in the shoal

remember, when your pants are down around your ankles- that's the time to pull your socks up

when you're in a crater, stop gravitating

No need to make any up, literal translations of extant proverbs from other languages will suffice. To wit:

'Whether you like it or not, drink up the holy water, Gregory!'

'Placenta ahead, war backwards.'

'Like the Turk and his gun.'

Hm, let's see, reckon you can work out what at least one of these is meant to convey

The dog doesn't catch the mouse
Three monks have no water to drink
One turnip, one hole
The candle illuminates others, yet destroys itself
Nine cows and one cow hair

Or the classic "people mountain people sea"

first there is a people then there is no people then there is

if you are a big tree you have a small hand

happy knife, happy life

Only a pony rolls a blank stone

win at bingo, watch yo twin go

a hand in the bush is better than being bankrupt

seek not riches, seek out bitches

sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes you just have the peanuts

win at bingo, watch yo twin go

― a wagging to the furious (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 17 September 2019 12:59 (nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

yo la tengo

life is a marathon, not a snickers

there's a mile of shit 'twixt the ox and the abattoir

an inch of foreskin, a pound of forebrain
a spoonful of glans, a head full of sense

you can't see the moon through a borrowed spyglass

We're always a tithe away from theosis.

It's better to have a swallow at the table than a stallion in a stable

two burnt cakes does not one unburnt cake make

Two whereabouts do not a what make.

A whale can't see its own tail

A sack of shit is always too heavy

↑ good one, it just rings eternally true.

you can't yoke an ox to a ploughing engine

A spoonful today will taste ok
A spoonful tomorrow will taste of sorrow

a chandler never askses
an axeman where his wax is
an axeman never quandaries
where a laundrer keeps his laundries

Refrain from peeing through a keyhole
And putting keys inside your peehole

boil the lance before lancing the boil

^vg

If your butt feels sour, use that internal power

even a watched clock never boils

A swallowed turd does not coprophagia make.

Where there’s a will, there’s a corpse

clean arsehole, clean mind

two wrongs don't make a right; but two rights send you into oncoming traffic

the mintier the julep, the prettier the baby.