Making love to black metal - share rituals and techniques etc, whatever

Janne i am hoping these toys you speak of are hand crafted and not produced in mass using the raw materials exploited by IMF funded rape. If you are unsure Sara and I have some implements you can borrow if you are promising to be washing them before return.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v252/rankingmonkey/ilx/devilsign.jpg

i make hate ("love" is a christianized value, which i spit on and stamp into ground) in the way of my wolfen brethren. i come and conquer like beast and leave them quaking in fear, my black seed gestating in their womb like virus. i leave in morning without trace, only my scat left on the cold floor. it is the blackest of ways, the nightspirit wills it.

usually i find cold black silence to be appropriate the most as a soundtrack to a night of beastly copulation.

often i used to prefer it most to be done outside in the wilderness, as closest to my ancestors and the ways of my wolfen brothers and sisters. but frostbite on genital is no fun, i warn you.

Of course as you know Drusilla usually prefer the Lacuna Coil and so forth when making hate, though sometimes she get drunk and on this occasion ask that I put on Bestial Warlust while she light black candle. What we then do is not for me to say, but I can tell you it is not to drink tea and have cucumber fucking sandwich.

Last night, as Sara and I lay curled in our sleeping bag, she produced a gift posted to her from well known Australian rave promoter Colin S Barrow. Inside was a music cassette marked with only the pencil saying "Koalas at it"

I am asking who is this sound artist "Koalas at it?" For the sound was most inspiring to Sara and I in its gutteral fever. I have turned the volume level to 11 for this one and the results inside the sleeping bag were like animal.

1. First, you must meet and make friends with black metal. This may seem like an obvious point but, believe me, black metal will never just give it up for some jerk off the street. Try to establish contact with black metal in some neutral, friendly environment where black metal will be reassured that you are a normal, sociable guy who is not just out for the one thing that you know and I know you are out for.

2. Okay, so now you've met black metal, black metal has met you, and, as far as black metal knows, you're not some kind of sociopathic creep. How do you go about taking it to the next level? You are at the point that is referred to in the sales game as The Ask. And any salesman will tell you that the key to The Ask is to be firm, clear and resolute. Leave no doubt that a date and possible romantic involvement is what you're after, and make it easy for black metal to say yes. Use your best judgement here: an invitation to a night of getting crunk down at the hip-hop club is probably not going to work. Burning down a church or two to a soundtrack of Bal Sagoth? Now you're talking!

3. A word or two about personal hygeine. Black metal has just as much right as you do to expect that her partner for the evening will be clean, nicely dressed and free from offensive odors. Think about it: would you even care about the lovely hellish gleam in black metal's eyes if all you could notice was her equally hellish halitosis? Well, black metal feels the same about you! So, brush those fangs, soldier, and make sure you're clean and ready for love, head-to-toe.

Dude, Dynasty was so totally not black metal. Goof metal more like it..."I was made for loving you baby"? Anton FIG? The only thing black about that was their eye makeup and the producer's cold, dead heart.

4. So, you've made The Ask, your personal cleanliness is in order, and black metal is waiting for an exciting evening with an interesting, confident guy, right? Don't be nervous: remember that black metal agreed to go out with you because SHE is just as interested as YOU are in getting to know you, being seen with an attractive mate and, if all goes well, maybe a little satanic snuggling later. While self-assurance is definitely the key to making black metal feel comfortable with you, make sure at all times that you're being yourself, and not showing off just to impress black metal (I'm talking to you here, Janne Karlsson). Don't kid yourself -- she'll see through any phony front in a heartbeat.

5. This point is a no-brainer, but it cannot possibly be emphasized enough: TALK with black metal! Nothing will pour cold water on your sexual prospects with black metal any faster than long, awkward silences. Chances are that black metal is interested in a lot of the same topics you are: pagan worship; amplification; muscle cars; Venom; goat husbandry; drugs; whatever the hell went wrong with Emperor. Again, confidence is key, so feel free to discuss any topic you feel you know a lot about, but DON'T monopolize the conversation. Black metal has interests and opinions of her own, and letting her share these with you will substantially increase the likelihood of her sharing OTHER intamacies later on. A word of caution, though: do not, I repeat DO NOT bring up Count Grishnakh. Like all of us, black metal has that one secret sore point in her heart, and this is hers.

6. Corny as it sounds, black metal LOVES to be complimented and to hear her own name. Don't overdo it, but a little of the following in the right spots will advance you a LONG way toward what's inside those tight leather pants: "There's a special and undefinable quality about you, black metal. I can't explain it, but I'd love to find out what it is."; "I can tell you must work out a lot, black metal."; "You know what attracts me to you, black metal? This is gonna sound silly, but, believe it or not, it's your delicate shoulders!" In the course of these compliments, you might be tempted to compare black metal to old flames or current competition, as it were. Beware this impulse! Black metal does NOT want to hear ANYTHING about thrash, death metal, grind, bubble-crunk, experimental horse music or Czech blastcore!

7. A little-known secret about black metal is that black metal loves a gentleman. While simply being a gentleman may not necessarily capture black metal's evil heart, if you do NOT come across as a gentleman you will surely destroy any possible chance.

So, what are the little simple things you can do to make black metal desire you and make a lasting impression? Chances are they're all the same things that father did for two-tone ska and grandfather did for third stream jazz: help black metal with her coat; when at a nice restaurant or chthonic ritual, pull her chair out for her when she sits; when walking with black metal on the sidewalk, always take the side closest to the street to protect black metal from traffic and nasty splashes. Light black metal's cigarette if she smokes, or offer to tie her off and administer the unholy needle. Black metal will notice these little gestures and be very impressed. And that's your main objective on a date with black metal - to impress her, make her feel special, and make black metal want you.

The Suspiria to which I invite is movie, you understand. I speak not of Suspiria the band, or the goth club, or the shop where former girlfriend Drusilla buy her corsets. I ask again - you wish to coattend?

I see also you wish not for mention of Varg Vikernes - this is not because you are his former wife, mother of his daughter, by strange chance? If it is so, you are surely very proud! And as for daughter - ah! To be child of Varg is truly an evil blessing! I hope your daughter realise this. No doubt you now educate her in Scandinavian folklore even now?

Let met tell you a little about myself. I'm an ordinary guy, not rich, not especially handsome, and a little on the short side. And yet, despite all that, I've had the kind of success with black metal that most men in my position only dream about! How is this possible? Well, several years ago I stumbled upon the HIDDEN PSYCHOLOGICAL SECRETS that enable even ordinary guys to MEET black metal, to DATE black metal, and, with better than 90 percent certainty, to SCORE with black metal!

I was withdrawn and shy in my college days, looking from afar at black metal and wondering how I could be one of the "hip," "cool" guys like Varg Vikernes that black metal always seemed to go for. Sure, there were other genres, other flings, like an on-again, off-again relationship with alt country that never went anywhere, and a srange, unrequited passion for new jack swing. But it was black metal that I always longed for, even though I was convinced that I never stood a chance.

But that's just where I was wrong! After years of study and hard work, I discovered that, not only is being ordinary and not strikingly good-looking not a drawback in making love to black metal, it is positively YOUR MOST EFFECTIVE ADVANTAGE! The secrets I discovered are basic, simple and universal, but most men never take the trouble to apply them!! Now is the time, Janne Karlsson, to decide if YOU want to be one of the rare few who possess the secret to unbelievable sexual success with black metal! My program can place the key in your hand -- all you have to do is use it.

*baffled beyond belief re: wot are ilxors' private parts made of?!?wtf*

So... perhaps still you are interested in viewing Suspiria with me this weekend? For I have strange feelings which I am curious to explore.

At least not until we have fucked with Horst!

I ask you though in earnestness: is the machine a invention of northern europe (ugh, how I choke on the name bestowed on this the true first world) or is it the pawn of american imperialism?

(Also have you seen Faertrich recently? He was seen in Eidfjord recently crowing about an incident with Närd)

I say little more on this and wish Vargbot condolence.

(How Tori Kudo of Maher Shalal Hash Baz answers the question 'What does rock mean to you?')

furious trajectory across the sky leading a host of the slain pwns "lightning bolt

odin's name means "fury". zeus turned someone to stone for stealing a golden dog he liked as a baby (gay).

zeus also too distracted by the ladies to be very serious

Just making certainty that this is serious!!

This one: <i>although maybe it is indeed Popeye who sings, for like him it is sounding, hihi!</i>

uff da, it is the funniest thing in the internet?

With the passing of winds has come the advent of a new breed, an army of so-called 'avant-garde' black-metallers like Deathspell Omega and that most troglodyte of creatures, Malefic. Even Dodheimsgard and Mayhem have returned with a vengeance, creating bewildering, near-incomprehensible tracts of horrible noise for our misery and disentertainment. Thus it follows that one's lovemaking must adapt accordingly. No more 'in out shake it all about'; instead, as Deathspell Omega's guitarist begins abother atonal seizure, you withdraw and frenziedly start trying to shag all the walls of the room instead. Then when you cannot, retire to atop a cupboard and weep. This is the new black metal loving, guaranteed 30% more Satanic.

You are boring everyone, probably!

With "Dodheimsgard"

I shall call them DHG from now on. It is what all their most cursed and therefore best fans know them to be. They make funky sounds for desperation lovers.

Oh god, what? Is this ALL joking, because parts seem serious? This is what I came to ask before about "Janne Karlsson?"

It is no joke. It is our expression of total despair through the destruction of sexual congress and the slow descent into dementia that comes with the New Black Metal love technique.

Not asking about you, probably! You have demonstrated a joke already by typing "Dodheimsgard."

ouch

Dodheimsgard are a joke, yes, a single joke in the stand-up routine that is the Apocalypse. Hail.

Hails to you also, I did not intend a painful joke (as this one said, "ouch"), but I assume it is not a serious blog about black metal because of that mentioning. (Also, it is obviously not serious with the one about Popeye!)

And yes, it is a joke dude to the title. This is made obvious, but some postings seem more than serious. I mainly wonder about "Janne Karlsson", if this person is real.

Who comes here?

Well I am now uinderstanding this place. And I now have made stupid mistakes on coding, which I can fix?

And I now know, is what I am meaning there.

good thread

And I now know, is what I am meaning there.

Existential triumph?

I would not be making it so extreme, but ok!

Welcome, Pål. You are right, this is a joke thread, and as far as I know everyone here was joking around, though most of us are black metal fans. Janne Karlsson is a fiction, of course.

I would have bet on that. Thank you, "moley!"

Taking sides: Janne Karlson Vs Luna

What is it?>

BTW, Attila does sound like Popeye.

Who disputes it?!

Not I!

penis liek ;_;

-- Thomas Fratta, Saturday, 6 November 2004 21:45 (3 years ago)

DHG is horrible
dodheimsgard is the greatest shit ever

plus, i think vortex needs to sing in more bands

this thread needs to be revived every so often ...

Can anyone locate the thread where Sami & Janne are bragging about their repective bands and threatening each other?

but frostbite on genital is no fun, i warn you.

― Vas Djifrens, Thursday, November 4, 2004 7:22 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark

no, it doesn't sound like fun

o_O

good times, this thread LOL

How did I miss this thread? It may be the best ever.

stuffing my slatanic stump in her soggy sewer brings forth blackward banal messages farting from her mayhemic windpipe.

this is the greatest sentence in language

Make sour hate to me, o rancid one

but frostbite on genital is no fun, i warm you.

How did I miss this thread? It may be the best ever.

― ô_o (Nicole), Saturday, May 29, 2010 9:55 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

just about ANYTHING involving the ILX black metal crew is comedy gold.

Enough! This novelty shit is fucking shit. First parrot, then dog, then koala are to sing for some shitful joke band? It is ridiculous!

i make hate ("love" is a christianized value, which i spit on and stamp into ground) in the way of my wolfen brethren. i come and conquer like beast and leave them quaking in fear, my black seed gestating in their womb like virus. i leave in morning without trace, only my scat left on the cold floor. it is the blackest of ways, the nightspirit wills it.

the inimitable vas djifrens

Of course as you know Drusilla usually prefer the Lacuna Coil and so forth when making hate, though sometimes she get drunk and on this occasion ask that I put on Bestial Warlust while she light black candle. What we then do is not for me to say, but I can tell you it is not to drink tea and have cucumber fucking sandwich.

can't believe pal utlendi was 2 years ago

Sami, if you ever meet a woman, you should really try making love to black metal, it's unbelievable.
-- the music mole (colinsbarrowREMOV...), November 4th, 2004.
also, cleaning house, watering plant (well in my case feed flies and blood to death plant), and hunting for food just to beginn to start with. black metal is not just music it is lifestyle!
black metal also get bloodstains off weapons, it is quite ingenious the ways it can be applied. i tend to leave blood of enemies on though. power is gained through their slaughter.

-- Vas Djifrens

it is not to drink tea and have cucumber fucking sandwich.