Dads

We spoke very openly until I became a punk... then there were some rough years. I think he wanted a Doc Watson, not Darby Crash. It worked out eventually.

He's a great guy, my father, but we're from two different worlds, so unless we're talking about football, we've got nothing in common.

What about calling them by the first name? Or turning your mom onto The Violent Femmes? Now THAT'S unacceptable to me, but sort of common in the hills of Northern California.

I haven't talked to my father in almost two years, and that time was only because I was in the hospital. We don't have any issues or anything, we're just not tight.

True, but then I don't think my dad really qualifies as an "old person" yet.

also he lives in spain which is very handy for holidays.

(x-post he is 72. i am 31. this makes no difference)

Geez, I can only wish my dad were my friend. At least it would kill most of the awkwardness. A friend can be there to offer advice, and not necessarily be a hangout buddy.

BAVARIAN KREME 0\/\/NZ U.

Different topics, but the same terrain as every conversation I've seen him have with my grandfather.

When my dad was still alive, he and I had this most amazing connection. I mean, I felt really close to my father, like I could confide in him and talk to him about practically anything. He was the only father I knew who, when I was a teenager, I could come up to him and ask him questions about the opposite sex and he wouldn't hem and haw -- he'd actually help me try to see things from the male teenager's viewpoint. If I had any sensitive questions, it was my father whom I could turn to for answers. My mother was a pretty good person to ask questions to, sure, but when it came to a lot of the questions I had as a teenager, her view that whatever I was curious about was "silly" or "nonsense" really stymied me from getting past an issue. My father was more open-minded and tolerant and never said I was being "silly" or "speaking nonsense" if I had a question about something.

I loved my father. He could be VERY strict -- one did not mess with him lest you end up on the receiving end of his wrath -- but he was truly the most nurturing and open parent I had and I miss him and think about him every single day.

i get most annoyed with him when i see shit i don't like abt him popping up in my own habits.

What birthday gift to buy a dad with NO hobbies or interests???

My dad is awesome. We played pool head-to-head for 6 hours straight, drank beers & listened to some great music last Saturday night. When I was growing up he was fairly strict and it was always "wait until your father gets home". Even now at 33 I sometimes still expect to get told off for things I do. The other week while I was staying at their place I put my feet up on the door of the wood furnace and my synthetic socks melted onto the glass, leaving two big blobby marks. I was a bit scared to tell him I did it, so my mum dobbed me in but he just laughed. I guess there is still that sense of not wanting to disappoint him. I still don't swear in front of him. I love him loads and I dread the day he won't be around anymore.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1186/794101205_9b2f1a7ad9.jpg

My dad & I quit being close, even remotely, when I turned 13 and starting not being a sweet widdle tiny girl anymore, even though my personality was relatively the same for 1-2 years after that. It was one mad mindfuck.

He's getting old now. It's surprising! A lot more physical injuries...he just doesn't bounce back like he used to. And macular degeneration. And he's starting to lose his memory, or at least its sharpness. It's strange.

Three years ago, I bought him a book of large print crossword puzzles as a Christmas gift. The underlying message was ,"Haha, you're old and can't see." (This before any of the aforementioned symptoms showed up, I should note.) BUT he was really happy with it. "I solved three of them!" he told me the day after Christmas. I also gave him a barbecue knife from the dollar store that he was understandably not impressed with. We were getting along REALLY POORLY & bitterly that year. My attempt at biting, passive-aggressive gifts failed, probably because I've always given him stuff like that.

What birthday gift to buy a dad with NO hobbies or interests???

I've had this problem, several Christmases in a row. My answer was to pay his satellite subscription for him for a couple of months. It was surprisingly well recceived.

Does he drink port? Buy him a port barrell.
Or name a star after him.

Does anyone actually talk openly and normally with their dad?

Define normal. I mean, I used to think making lewd comments and dirty jokes with your dad was completely normal until I started doing this with (male) friends (sometimes in his presence) and discovered this was nt the case. Or maybe I had the wrong friends? But in a way I discovered that, no, most kids don't do this with their dads. Not here anyway. That said, I have a GREBT dad. I don't talk a lot or very openly with him, but he's definitely always ready to listen (unless he's making the "banana stuck in my ear" joke). He's the bestest dad you can have, especially if you're a kid. He loves, nay ADORES, kids (and dogs) and would never never ever hurt them. (He knows from experience that abusing kids is a def no no.) I only wish he had more kids, he wanted more but it was not to be. :-((

I love my dad very much, but I wish he'd pay me more attention. I know he cares about and loves me, but he seems so disinterested in my life. We can talk, but it's usually on his terms. We talk about food a lot; I like cooking and he used to be a chef. He has visited me exactly once since I left home and never in London where I've lived for seven years ("I don't like London chick." "Dad you haven't been here since 1985.")I snapped one Christmas (we were both quite drunk, we actually make really good drinking partners usually) and asked him if he knew what my flatmates were called, the name of the company I worked for and who he thought I'd have voted for in the last election. Every single one was wrong. I don't know, when I was a little girl he'd paint pictures for me, do my hair in complex plaits for school, dance with me in the living room, make up stories and arrange my food into faces and butterflies. Now I sometimes feel like I'm an interchangeable daughter unit.

I think this is possibly the most personal thing I've ever written on ILx.

mine has been here once also. he also doesnt really know much about my life, i think hes kind of unable to conceptualize anything thats not right in front of him.

im not really sure why men have children

i think hes kind of unable to conceptualize anything thats not right in front of him

OTM.

I think this relationship probably explains an awful lot about me.

My dad's great. It was source of great pride when my friends met him for the first time recently and said that they could see where I came from (personality wise). He has great trouble listening, delegates a huge amount of emotional matters to my mum and at times seems almost oblivious to the idea that he even has children. Just when you start to worry about the relationship (are you doing enough? Is he okay? Are we okay?) he does something amazing that can be completely minor (a book will arrive that you'd never heard of but is a perfect match so he must have been listening) or really major which reminds you that yes, things are okay. He has never been the macho ideal (I'm sure a lot of my mannerisms were learned off of him, my rapid blow ups and apologies afterwards for example) but he has been a wonderful example of how to be a caring, considerate, charming, private, sociable, supportive and strong man without being all showy about it.

I have him coming over for the second weekend running (I'm his fly in/out point for a week's trip) and can't wait. The chats might not be the most intelligent but the craic will be mighty!

Anna v much otm re. most personal thing on ILX.

I know he cares about and loves me, but he seems so disinterested in my life.

yeah totally altho mine also makes it very difficult for me to take an interest in his life by never telling me what he's been up to himself (if anything) whether i ask or not.

he rings up now and then to ask if i'm okay and i tell him a couple of things i've done/moan about job or whatever but there's no arts/culture/books/politics/history/science talk and no clues to his current preferences in any of those fields if any and i have never been able to tell if he is at all bothered about any of this himself. why would you ring someone up but with no news to tell about yourself in return? neither of us seem to be able to remember/care about each other's birthday.

it really is a masterclass in how much you can be on good terms with someone without really every doing anything at all to demonstrate it beyond kinda automated 'glad you're ok/take care' remarks at end of conversation.

most of this behaviour stems from early 80s emotionally scarring real life drama that will always haunt. i am still a bit afraid of him because i don't understand him tho i have not seen him at all angry for about 20 years. it's all just rather rubbish without being a relationship involving actual contempt.

Well since we're doing personal...

My Dad has this absolutely horrendous habit, that whenever we are having a good conversation, like a happy memory of something stupid I did as a child or something, and there's a closeness, he then decides "ah now is the opportunity to administer a lesson" and says something like "you should really do this" or "it'd be great if you could be more helpful to your mother" or something.

And every time I think "well done you just fucking ripped up that rare moment of closeness, thanks for that" and feel like I'm Gar out of Philedelphia Here I Come.

It's like, why does a memory of something happy lead him to admonishing you.

I love my Dad but I suppose I could never say we have a sociable relationship.

The curse of parents is that whenever they say things like "it'd be great if you could be more helpful to your mother", one's default is always "FUKC YOPU CNUTY".

yes!

RESIGN PAPA

I'm actually astounded when my dad (and mom) mention something in connection with something I like. I have noticed this a lot recently, maybe because I assumed they didn't pay attention. Something I wouldn't really mind (because I know how much they love me).

My father died of a brain tumor 17 years ago. He was a good father, in that he taught me to value and enjoy music and the visual arts, but he was closed-down socially and something of a depressive. I hope I have some of his better qualities...

I used to hate my Dad, but now I realise that he's just a bloke who came through a relatively poor upbringing where everyone's hobbies involved drinking and giving out shite to each other, and who didn't really get to make a lot of choices early on in his life: stay in school/get a job; get married/bum around Europe; have kids/don't have kids. Who knows how different his life could have been if he'd had the opportunities to hang out and think things over like I've had, instead of having to be an apprentice sheet metal worker at 14, married at 20, father at 21, etc. etc.

We get on okay now, though. He has mellowed a lot as he gets older.

In part I think I have grown to love/admire my father even more, realizing what a terrible upbringing he had. Running away at such a young age - about 17 years old - and having to make a living at that age. But also having been emotionally and physically abused. Then he had me and I'm just in awe of it all. How his terrible experience made him love children (and animals) even more, I am sure it did have an impact on him and how he looked at children/animals. But at the same time he carries that burden (abuse) still with him which doesn't always make it easy (for him nor for us).

It took a friend who is a mother to point out the obvious to me: that dads are always portrayed as complete tards in mass culture, in contrast to mothers. She felt this was a bad thing, but is one of the first to admit/assert that the father of her child is completely useless.

Ha ha excellent.

I have a great relationship with my dad, but didn't for several years, because after my parents' divorce (when I was 14), my mom did a lot of things to sabotage our relationship at the time. Plus, he was in the Army when I was growing up, so was away a lot (two Vietnam tours, TDY to Okinawa, Alaska, all kinds of places). Anyway, we got our relationship back on track after I was married, and get along v. well now. There's very little we can't talk about.

He had a pretty rough childhood -- grew up in Brooklyn, his dad was something of a twat who pushed his mom around then bailed when my dad was like 13, my dad dropped out of school and joined the Army, etc. etc. So it's important to him now to have good relationships w/his own kids. Esp. as he's on the other side of 60 now.

We have a lot of the same interests, too -- he got me interested at a young age in things like science fiction, baseball, movies, etc.

i'm reading "the lay of the land" by richard ford right now, and although the protagonist is really nothing like my dad, the book's so perceptive and well-written that it makes me think a lot about my dad all the same

My dad is quiet all the time (then again so am I) so I don't know him that well.

My Dad actually posts to another message board. Unsurprisingly, it concerns dogs and guns.
-- bnw (bnw), Saturday, February 28, 2004 2:56 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Link

haha he still does this and his 'airedale board' friends will call him to talk shit about the other airedale boards posters. catsinthecradle.jpg

mine comfort eats. it's ridiculous, he does insane amounts of exercise for a 60yo -- ie, rowing ffs -- but is crazy overweight.

Who has the toughest dad? I bet my dad could beat the shite out of all your pantywaist dads.

my Dad would destroy your Dad at ballroom dancing

Ever since I became an adult, my relationship with my dad has turned into more of a friendship -- going to movies together, discussing books we've read, etc. -- while my relationship with my mom still feels very parental, like her phone calls feel very much like check-ups, with lots of nagging questions about how I'm doing.

When they got divorced a couple years ago, this was thrown even more in relief. Both of them are dating now, but my mom is pretty embarrassed about mentioning her S.O. at all, while my dad bonds with me by talking about how strange it is, after 30+ years of marriage, to go back to the silly etiquette of whether he should call her or wait for her to call him.

Still, I don't know that I'm necessarily "closer" to my dad: I keep in touch with both fairly regularly, I just feel a lot chummier with him.

my grandad was a ballroom dancing teacher

my dad's dad

Who has the toughest dad? I bet my dad could beat the shite out of all your pantywaist dads.

My dad's a convict.

this is a depressing thread

im not really sure why men have children

-- 696, Friday, July 13, 2007 3:55 AM (7 hours ago) Bookmark Link

he was also a piano teacher?

crosspost

<i>I used to hate my Dad, but now I realise that he's just a bloke who came through a relatively poor upbringing </i>

That's how I feel about my dad. He was a nice guy superficially, but terrible at raising children and especially teens. Now I realize that he was probably suffering from depression for most of his life (which must be where I get that tendency), and much of what I perceived as cruelty and insensitivity had nothing to do with me. It's too bad he died just as we were beginning to move toward some type of resolution. It's taken me until just a few years ago, when I had my first daughter, to begin to understand what went wrong. The sad thing is that I know he was a fun-loving guy before he had children. He used to be quite a guitar player, from what my mom tells me, but I never heard him play even once - not even when I took up the instrument at age 14.

I'm trying to give my own kids something different. Ironically, my dad's example makes me a better parent. We may have some tough years when adolescence hits, and I'm sure I'll make some horrible mistakes. But if my adult children actively *hate* me, I'll be devastated.

ghost rider otm

I will say that my bad experiences w/not having dad around a lot as a kid, plus bad relationship after parents' divorce led me to not want kids at all, and in fact my wife and I never had any. (Married 16 years now.) Her experience was even worse; she's spoken nary a word to her father since our wedding.

gifts for dads:

My FIL's only interests are yardwork and golf. Unfortunately MIL is a compulsive shopper and pretty much eveyrone in the family has everything they need. G. almost always gives him Golfsmith gift cards but on Father's Day I convinced him this was lame. Too much golf. We got him a nice bbq utensil set. He opens it up, "Great, more stuff I don't need."

I really hate shopping for the hard to buy for.

My dad and I don't really have a relationship anymore, which actually makes me really, really sad. Because he is actually one of the few people on the face of this earth who is almost exactly like me.

He's the opposite of what some people have described on this thread - he has trouble with anything that *is* right in front of him. He's fine with the abstract stuff, he's fine with concepts and intellectual things and he can solve multiple simultaneous equations in his head and recite the periodic table and translate German opera and he's brainy and intelligent on another level from most people, but also incredibly creative and very, very witty.

But put actual people and things and emotions in front of him, and he's utterly, utterly lost, and basically curls in a ball and refuses to deal.

So many of the things that I am, I get from him. The maths, the music, the drawing, everything technical, my love of country walks and wildlife and dogs and fossils and rocks. There have been periods of my growing up that we were incredibly close, and then periods that he kind of ignored me. We can talk about physics or the harmonic structure of classical music, but we can never, ever talk about him. I sometimes don't know if he actualy even *has* emotions.

We go through phases, like two bodies in distant gravitational orbit around a centre that neither of them can find. Things got really bad between us after he left my mother. It didn't help that his new partner... well, she's a difficult, clingy, controling, I sometimes suspect borderline abusive woman. It's not just me, she's driven a wedge between him and his entire family.

It makes me so sad, because we are so much alike, and we should have a better relationship, even if it is just to talk about calculus and the lesser spotted grey heron. And while we don't have a relationship, I feel like there's a huge part of *myself* I'm never going to be able to understand, if that makes any sense. Because he's so much a part of me, but a part I can't connect with.

I really hate shopping for the hard to buy for.

My dad also plays golf but could equip a golf shop on his own at this stage. We used to always give him candied nuts of some kind for presents, because he loves nuts. Now he's diabetic, we can't do that either. He likes to take photos with his digital camera, though, so we usually just buy him printer ink or paper or stuff for that now, which makes him happy.

He also likes those things that you plug into the back of your television to broadcast the audio signal to a radio, because he's sort of deaf and doesn't like to have the telly up loud, so if he sits with the radio near him he can hear the telly.

I was just talking to my dad today. He spent last week at my brother's house, chopping up an old fuel tank with an angle grinder. He's going back in September to finish the job. Fair play to him.

Who has the toughest dad? I bet my dad could beat the shite out of all your pantywaist dads.

My dad would plant your dad, except he might burst his stitches/hurt his side/stroke out/fall over first.

My dad and I have a pleasant/civil enough relationship now that he's older and mellower, but I do give him much of the blame for fucking up my brother emotionally. So I keep my distance from him, and can't say we're close.

Who has the toughest dad? I bet my dad could beat the shite out of all your pantywaist dads.

My dad's a convict.

We have a pretty good relationship now I'm 30, i.e. I see him about once a year and maybe talk on the phone 3 times a year. When I actually needed a dad, i.e. when I was a child, not so. I did the whole "I won't call him just to see if he calls me" thing when I was 21. Didn't hear from him til I was 24. He changed when my sister had a kid.

My dad is a thai boxing expert. He would kick all yr dad's pussy asses in his sleep.

I'm sure. I just figured it sounded tough.

It's quite laughable really how soft I am considering my dad's side of the family, apart from him my uncle was a boxer and my grandad was known as being "a bit handy" on his estate. I think I got my physique from my mum's side, i.e. lanky, short-sighted and nerdy.

My dad is a thai boxing expert. He would kick all yr dad's pussy asses in his sleep.

Perhaps. But first he would have to try and stop my dad from bringing him for a drink. If he stepped into a pub with my dad, he would be DOOMED, because my dad is the world's most sociable man, and can drink like a fish. This is great if you meet him on holidays, because he will tell you many stories, which are genuinely hilarious. However, if you are related to him, he will still tell you the same stories, even though you have heard them every week for your entire life.

The problem there is my dad can also drink like a fish. He makes snakebite out of Tennents Super and Ice Dragon. Classy, eh?

My dad would just sigh annoyedly, shake his head and try to avoid the conflict entirely. (If my wife is reading, she'll recognize that trait.)

My dad's got a couple of PhDs in Physics. He's a tall, thin, weedy dude who couldn't swat a fly, so he'd probably ignore you and make a pithy and devastating joke about it but behind your backs, he could probably detonate a small nuclear explosion, create a localised black hole in spacetime and suck all your dads into another dimension. So there.

The problem there is my dad can also drink like a fish. He makes snakebite out of Tennents Super and Ice Dragon. Classy, eh?

Excellent stuff. Perhaps we should send our dads out drinking, and they can fight other dads. Like some kind of fighting force made up of fathers. Hmm. I wonder what you would call that?

Fathers 4 Violence?

Tennants super? My dad would make a fuss if they didn't have the right single malt whisky or a good vintage of Merlot.

So posh!

My dad drinks Macardles. It's horrible. But he is partial to a bison vodka with apple juice. And almost anything else, really.

Hmm. I wonder what you would call that?

Ultimate Geezer Deathmatch

Dads' Army! You would call it Dads' Army!

Honestly.

Thanks for the gift ideas, folks!

My dad and I get on quite well these days (long distance!) but we have absolutely nothing in common. He doesn't do many "dad" things in the Hallmark cards sense. He doesn't really drink, used to play golf but stopped, he likes sleeping in the garden on weekends or watching tv but mostly he just works, very hard, and comes home exhausted. He is also (like my mother) very politically conservative and this can make conversation very difficult, but these days I just tend to nod and keep my opinions to myself. He is surprisingly supportive of what I am doing though the whole concept of "right-brain thinking" is largely anathema to him. He once explained the talents of a friend of his who paints surrealistic planetary landscapes with "it all comes from his imagination!".

Anyway, we talk once a week and he seems in good spirits, particularly now that my parents are apparently taking a holiday somewhere every two months. Good for them, really.

http://img164.imageshack.us/img164/5570/daaasn4.gif

My dad's a decent guy, and is a much better father to me now than was while I was growing up. Looking back, I realize that he was still growing up too. It's something that used to upset me, but I figure that we talk once a week, see each other once a year, and he's always willing to help me out in the ways that he can. Not much more I can ask for really. He really likes my husband, and adores my parrots. I count myself as pretty lucky.

Dad gifts are the hardest. For the ones who have too much stuff, maybe a gift certificate to a favorite place to eat would be good? Or paying someone to do the yard work for a bit or whatever? Take his car to be detailed and have the oil changed. Make a donation in his name to a charity you can both appreciate.

If you get along well, you could send him flowers for his birthday (to his work of course!). It can get a good laugh.

I found a place with a good selection of sugar free licorice to satisfy my dad's diabetic sweet tooth.

x-post to the 5th post in this thread: my ex-love interest was in my dad is dead. i always assumed he was the only one who knew who they were.

Nope. My first band supported My Dad Is Dead so I know who they are.

I'm thinking, we're not talking about dads, we're really talking about men, right? Men who just happen to have children, revealing the inherent weaknesses and strengths of men.

Looking back, I realize that he was still growing up too.

I think this is the point I didn't realize when I was little: he was so young when my parents had me, still trying to unburden himself of the abuse he suffered as a child while taking care of a family. Such a hard thing to do, I now realize. There are things that I find hard to comprehend, but all in all he's the bestest day in the world. :-)

My father died 19 years ago and there hasn't been a day since that I haven't missed him or wished I could talk to him about stuff. I was much closer to him that my mom or any of my siblings and it's just been a sad loss since.

my dad is basically Hank Hill with a sense of humor :)

unfortunately, his politics are slightly to the right of Hank's :(

And FWIW, he was torpedoed twice by German U-Boats in WWII and survived in a lifeboat for a couple of weeks. I think he could kick some serious ass...

It's interesting that there's a parellel conversation going on - on the one hand, despair at dads/men and their inability to connect emotionally; on the other hand, a dad vs dad deathmatch, revealing a sense of pride in the potential arse-kicking power of dads.

Which makes present buying even more difficult - a pair of boxing gloves or a copy of Learning to Love?

(I try to buy my parents a night out - dinner somewhere they'd like, tickets to a show, something like that...)

So what is it about the dad-offspring relationship that's seems to be so innately troublesome?

Dad's are really just people right? with many years of functional relationships behind them, what makes them so lousy about it when it comes to relationships with their own children (obviously this is a generalisationa nd not all dads are crap BUT that does seem to be a general pattern emerging from this)

And for the men here who are all aware of this, are we gonna be able to have better relationships with our own children? If so, how?

by communicating. talk. talk. then talk some more. without that, all is fucked. mind you, that's easy for me to say because i don't plan to have children.

the older i get, the more i realise how unusual -- and wonderful -- my relationship with my own parents is (eg on saturday there me and mrs F and my mum and dad sat up till 2.30am playing cards and drinking and listening to the beatles). i'm not saying we've never argued or fought; i mean, i left home at 17 and i don't think it was a second too soon, for the sake of everyone's sanity.

but i've been lucky. my parents absolutely fucking rock. they are exactly the kind of people i like. perhaps this is because they brought me up in their own image; perhaps it's just fortuitous. i dunno. whatever: it works. i'm thankful.

Nope. My first band supported My Dad Is Dead so I know who they are.

-- Masonic Boom, Monday, July 16, 2007 5:35 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Link

well there are two worlds i wouldnt have bet on colliding

So what is it about the dad-offspring relationship that's seems to be so innately troublesome?

hahaha Open the worst can of worms EVAH: replace dad with mom (and daughter). I think the relationship mother-daughter is usually fucked up beyond belief. I know my mom would be shocked if I said that, but I do believe the relationship is usually extremely twisted. I have rarely witnessed a perfect mother-daughter relationship.

I think the relationship mother-daughter is usually fucked up beyond belief.

this is exactly why i wanted a boy when i was pregnant. i dread the teenage years because i know what i was like then and the relatuionship is really weird. hopeful my my daughter and i can break the teenage daughter and mother mold.

I really liked My Dad Is Dead. And mine is.

It can happen. My wife and daughter are best buds now that Sarah's grown up, and really have been that way for years. (xpost)

this thread reminded me of something really touching (in a weird, indirect way) that my stepdad said to me a few days ago. when i was about 13 and studying the US civil rights movement at school, me and my bestfriend got totally into it and were quite obsessed with martin luther king and malcolm x. this lasted for about a year. the other day i was talking to my dad on the phone about movie soundtracks and he says to me "'malcolm x' is on maori tv tonight". i guess i just found it really cool that he'd remembered that it was something i was so into, so long ago.

i have a great relationship with my stepdad, but it's taken a LONG time to get there. he married my mum when i was 5 and we basically didn't speak to each for the first 8 yrs. then one day we just started getting along. however, my crazy mother didn't like this at all, and did everything in her power to sabotage it (including making some truly horrible accusations that i can't even bring myself to repeat here). but we survived it. he wanted to take me to see faith no more play when i was 16 but mum 'forbade' it. years later, we went to see red hot chilli peppers and had a fantastic time.

but i guess the downside is that he's more like a big brother than a dad. i'm not sure how to articulate that statement any further.

as for my 'real' dad - that fucking asshole told my mum to get an abortion when he found out she was pregnant, or he'd leave her. obv he left. 15 years later he decides he wants a relationship. i dodged it, but when i was 19 and going through an identity crisis i decided to go spend a week with him and his wife. it was absolute hell. the guy was a cheating, lying creep. it made me sick to my stomach to know i have half this guy's genes. i haven't spoken to him since. i guess it sounds emo and cliched to say this, but i'm pretty sure most of the insecurity issues i've had with my romantic relationships have stemmed from having 'abandonment' issues in regards to my father. your dad should be the one male figure in your life you can always count on, and if you can't it makes you wonder how you can rely on any other important male figures. i can tell myself over and over again that my father not being around has nothing to do with me as a person, but it's a wound that just never seems to really heal.

fuck, too much information! sorry, guys :/

oh, and xpost to nathlie: i TOTALLY know where you're coming from! but that's a whole 'nother story, and i think i've poured out enough of my personal problems for one night ;)

your dad should be the one male figure in your life you can always count on, and if you can't it makes you wonder how you can rely on any other important male figures

Ohmigod, so poignant. I'd like to say OTM, but it feels miserable and sad to think about it.

:-) I'm not saying my relationship (with my mom) was bad per se. In hindsight I do realize I worshipped her a bit too much and we were too co-dependent. It took me a really long time to break away from her - in fact it took my mom moving away to Japan to establish a healthier relationship. We would literally tell eachother every single fucking thing. So it does frighten me having Ophelia, knowing how fucked up a mom-daughter relationship usually is. :-)

rubyred, I don't (always) buy the "genes" thing. I mean, what if I divorced my husband, who do I blame it on? Srsly, I know what you mean, but I look at my dad and how he was treated (beaten, ridiculed,...) by his parents and he never did this to me. NOT ONCE. He would never and will never hit me. So the genes thing? It can suck a pine tree. :-)

masonic boom: you're right. i try not to let this affect my relationships with guys, but it's such a deeply ingrained belief, it's hard to shake off.

nathalie: my mum and i had no closeness growing up. then i left home and i *thought* we had grown closer over the years. i started to confide in her more. but some bad shit happened to me last year, and i found out from my little sis that my mum had been saying some not-very-supportive, in fact some quite nasty stuff, about me behind my back. i've never bothered confronting her, because she has no sense of introspection or healthy discussion. i just made a decision to remain polite but distant after that - i.e. i tell her nothing remotely personal about myself anymore.

man, parents really suck sometimes.

and also, nathalie: thanks for genes to 'suck a pine tree' thing - i like your stylez ;)

Hey, I'm being honest! :-)

Oh man, that's just shitty. :-(((( I mean, in a sense I should stfu about me being too close to my mom. Better being too close than like your mom. I could always rely on my mom (and dad). She would literally walk through a fire for me. So would my dad.

I've always worried about the extent genes affect things, somewhat unnecessarily, not because of my dad, who's just useless, more because of my (maternal) grandpa, who was a real scumbag. I don't plan on having any kids though so it's kind of moot really. Just used to worry when I was younger I'd somehow turn out like him. This doesn't seem to have happened so far!

I know we could argue nature vs. nurture all day long, but... I'd like to tell all bad things about your antecedants to "suck a pine tree" in terms of their being genetic, but... lots of things (being a scumbag, etc.) are NOT genetic, but some propensities (alcoholism, mental illness) absolutely are genetic.

The problem is, so many of these behaviours and beliefs are so deeply engrained that it doesn't matter if they're learned or innate.

When I was younger, I was quite keen on "sod genetics being destiny, we are at least aware of our problems, and therefore will do our best not to pass them on to our children, making us better parents than most people who bumble in to it..." but the more I've found out about the genetic components of mental illness (and tracing it back through both sides of my family) the more I'm convinced that I am doing the future a favour by not propegating my faulty genes.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say and I'm sure I'm expressing myself badly.

xpost to nathalie; no way dude - never feel bad or think you should stfu about knowing you can count on your folks. that's a great thing, and it makes me happy to know there are parents like that, because it means i could be a parent like that.

i think my 'issues' were certainly not helped by the fact that my mum told me when i was maybe 6 or something, about my father wanting her to have an abortion, and her going to the clinic and being denied one after a couple of psych assessments. i was just too young to hear that shit, and i always knew that she considered my dad the big love of her life, so i kinda ended up carrying this guilt that i was the reason she lost him. obv as an self-aware adult, i no longer feel this way, but shit - it really fucked me up when i was a kid.

your dad should be the one male figure in your life you can always count on, and if you can't it makes you wonder how you can rely on any other important male figures

I don't agree with this. It would obviously be *nice* to have a good dad, but it's not the end of the world to not have one. It doesn't have to affect other relationships.

it made me sick to my stomach to know i have half this guy's genes

On the other hand, I know exactly how this feels. I do buy more into the nurture than nature point of view, but there's always a nagging worry that something's going to snap and I'll end up like my dad. Too many nasty similarities already, to be honest...

xxpost you're not expressing yourself badly at all. i think in a lot of ways you're right. but there's a distinction to be made between genetic 'diseases'/dysfunctions, or whatever you want to call them, such as mental illnesses and alcoholism, or susceptibility to addicition, and then there's just plain old mean character traits.

Interesting posts. I don't know if I have much to add, honestly, beyond saying my dad rules, which he does.

Colonel Poo, I think a lot of fathers never planned to have kids. Start sucking pine cones!

xxxpost no it's not the end of the world - i'm a relatively (ha!) well-adjusted person and i think i'm self-aware enough to recognise when i'm letting stupid childhood baggage fuck me over. but that doesn't change the fact that having kids is a privilege and not a right (imo). parents owe it to their kids to be the best they can be. anyone who's got a crap dad and still manages to have healthy romantic relationships should be applauded, because it's not easy. i haven't given up on the idea that i will get over this bullshit eventually, and i guess maybe i'm still reasonably young (?) so it will happen - with some work - one day.

some propensities (alcoholism, mental illness) absolutely are genetic.

xpost to KN, yeah mine obviously didn't! But my wife is adamant she doesn't either, which means if it did happen it'd be a visit to Dr Coathanger.

Bipolar has one of the strongest genetic components, actually...

Anyway, I've just been thrust deep into hypocrisy on that other thread because I've been SELFLESSLY offering to have a torrid affair with Boris Johnson and have his illegitmate children as a SELFLESS act to generate a scandal that would stop him from becoming mayor of London.

xxpost - Sorry, Rubyred, I hope I didn't sound dismissive. I guess I'm in a similar-but-different situation. My mum was pretty good at handling parenting on her own (better than she would have been staying with my dad), plus I don't really remember my dad from when I was a kid, and our one meeting before he died was stupidly uneventful (it was like meeting a stranger, no emotions at all).

i didn't think you were being dismissive :). i think you should be pretty proud of your mum for being able to raise you well on her own - and proud of yourself for not letting an absent father negatively impact your life. i'm not saying everyone becomes damaged goods due to the absence of one or the other parent, but many do, and i'm definitely in agreement that an absent father is better than a bad father. maybe i'd be even worse off if i did have my biological father in my life. the guy's a total loser.

It would obviously be *nice* to have a good dad, but it's not the end of the world to not have one. It doesn't have to affect other relationships.

exactly ... although that's easy for me to say, i suppose, given that i'm fortunate enough to have a good relationship with my folks.

what i don't understand is why people whose parents are wankers feel any need to keep in touch with them. same goes for other family members: brothers, sisters, cousins, whatever. i mean, my maternal grandfather was a grade-A platinum-plated cock; from the age of 14 i had nothing to do with him, and when he died the other year i felt nothing other than: "well, the world's maybe a slightly better place now, isn't it?"

i dunno. people allow their families to upset them in a way they'd never let their friends do. i can sort of see how it happens, but i genuinely can't understand it. we were talking about this the other night; the notion of unconditional love. i don't really get that: if someone's an irredeemable knob-end, fuck 'em, whether you happen to share some of the same genetic make-up or not.

i think you're right - which is why i haven't spoken to my older brother in years (oh god, MORE of my family problems :/), and why i have nothing to do with my real dad. as for my mum, well it's hard to avoid her if i want to stay in contact with my stepdad, and younger bro and sis. so that's why i've settled on polite distance. i've sacrificed a relationship with my two neices in order to avoid seeing my older brother. now, whenever i go back home i have to orchestrate clandestine visits to his house when he's at work, in order to see his girls. but it's a sacrifice that i had to make.

ok, i'm going to sleep now before i spill any more of my guts ;)

So the genes thing? It can suck a pine tree. :-)

Amen. It's taken 20 years or so to realize that I'm not going to abuse my children just because my father did.

i dunno. people allow their families to upset them in a way they'd never let their friends do. i can sort of see how it happens, but i genuinely can't understand it. we were talking about this the other night; the notion of unconditional love. i don't really get that: if someone's an irredeemable knob-end, fuck 'em, whether you happen to share some of the same genetic make-up or not.

Well it's complex really, isn't it? I don't get on well with my parents and our relationship can be very frosty and distant, but I can recognize that they did a pretty good job of bringing me and 4 siblings up and they *do* love me in their own way. They're old now, with the worries and fears that that brings and they deserve the benefit of the doubt, and some love and support. I'm sure that they're disappointed with the way things have turned out, especially when they see friends who have very close relationships with their children. For years I would rather have severed the ties, but I now see that they did the very best that they could, and that cutting myself off would have been ruinously hurtful, and something that could probably not be repaired.

Having your own children does alter your perspective on things, but probably not as much as seeing them grow old, and growing older yourself.

seeing them grow old

Your parents, I meant.

Some kids do as they please
They don't know what life really means
They don't listen to what the ones who really care have to say
They just go and do things their own way

Who are parents?
Parents are the ones who really care
Who are parents?
Parents are the ones who are always there

Some kids think their parents are cruel
Just because they want them to obey certain rules
They start to lean from the ones who really care
Turning, turning from the ones who will always be there

Who are parents?
Parents are the ones who really care
Who are parents?
Parents are the ones who are always there

Parents do understand, parents do care
We must remember
Parents are the ones who will always understand
Parents are the ones who really care

< / twee >

very interesting Dr. C

my Daddy died when i was 8 and at 24 i'm still looking for him. maudlin i kno

And for the men here who are all aware of this, are we gonna be able to have better relationships with our own children? If so, how?

i sure hope so. i am trying to do two things differently: 1) don't be beaten down by life. retain a love for life and interests and new experiences, and share them with my kids. that way, even if they're horribly embarrassed by dad, they have funny and hopefully fond memories later in life. 2) don't teach that "fitting in" is the most important thing; teach them a little more self-respect than that. related to that, don't have a "perfect" offspring type in mind, only to get mad when said offspring goes off in a different direction.

mostly i just want to cause the least damage possible while raising them. i'm trying.

It's my dad's birthday today. He's on holiday somewhere.

what i don't understand is why people whose parents are wankers feel any need to keep in touch with them.

What's not to understand? In most cases your parents were the first people there for you. Even if they didn't love you, they still brought you in this world, fed you and more or less were there for you. That said, my father doesn't really care one way or the other, even though they "drop by" from time to time. My mother however does feel some sort of responsibility (for what I do not know, my "granny" is/was a class A bitch who dumped my mom cause she had no time for her even though she was a housewife). So I can sort of see how your statement is true in one case (my dad's) but not in my mom's case. I know why: my mom always feels responsible (towards her family). My dad? Well, it's harder to tell cause he was raised by his grandfather. Then again mom was raised by her granny and later on inb boarding school. Hmmm. I think what am I saying: it's never easy.

What I strongly feel now and makes it easier for me to "cope" with my insecurities as a parent: realizing that this is a "human" relationship. As much as you try, you're two human beings with your own personalities and sometimes they don't mix (and hence clash). That said, I bloody hope we do get along. :-)

my dad is somewhat difficult to get along with. he has a whole inferiority/superiority complex thing going on that drives me bananas, and he is a "what if..." sort of guy, whereas i'm more like, "why not?" he can also be vicious and start verbal arguments with me over nothing. so i stay away when this sort of thing happens.

but sometimes, he is a great guy. great to go on walks with (he knows the names of all the birds!!). loves old obscure soul music, steely dan, depeche mode, and a lot of disco, too. also a priceless resource when talking about history or geography... the latter, for example: he can tell you the route numbers and major cities that EVERY SINGLE highway in North America passes through. guy likes to drive.

What did you ending up buying your dad for his birthday?

xp

I feel like I have a fairly good relationship with my dad. More and more I've come to see how his interactions with my mom explain a lot of things about how things were growing up. I've always thought I was more like my mom but lately I've noticed a lot more dadlike tendencies in myself.

I would say we are pretty open with each other, though the times when we are most open can definitely be uncomfortable. He can be a pretty hilarious guy when he's in the mood but can be a real son of a bitch as well. There have been a lot of times where I think my dad has been off the ball when it comes to being a "good" father, but I can think of just as many times I wasn't the best son also. I guess it evens out. I wish I'd paid more attention and interest to helping him with various tasks and learning from him, but I still got a great amount of that in. I could never keep up, though, dude's a workaholic.

On a related note, I'm going to visit him (and mom) this coming weekend. We're going to work on a deck they're building. I'm really looking forward to it, and to hearing his take on things.

Did any other dads, when you went to a restaurant, sit by a window with a view of the car to 'keep an eye on it'?

i put this on my fb but for the unfriended, my dad texted me last night: "it's your mother's wedding anniversary, you should text her."

sounds fair enough to me!

My old man always reminds me that "my mother's" anniversary is coming up.

Can't believe I never posted to this one tbh. I can't decide if my relationship with my dad is ridic complex or whether that's actually a given (he's your dad FFS) and our relationship is ridic simple.

Anyway he's a fishing captain, was always away throughout large portions of us growing up (7-8 weeks away, 3 weeks home) and was my hero growing up, like any young fella I suppose- his job always suited him, he's the type of guy that's straight out of that deadliest catch programme, a guy's guy and the boss. His dad made him stay in school to do the inter cert, when he finished with honours he was told he was going to be a priest. he left for dublin that night, alled them from norway the next day and didn't see them again for two years when he returned home with his fishing ticket. growing up he always seemed larger than life, centre of attention, known around the place for singing, stories and the craic.

It's probably a typical sentiment, but as I hit adolescence and my relationship with adults in general changed, he seemed to .......diminish somehow. Exacerbated by a very messy relationship with my bipolar alcoholic mother (and wasn't being left in her sole care throughout childhood fun for all involved, one thing we've never resolved tbh), ensuing problems such as an awful divorce, a bad falling out with his own brother (who was also his employer) and subsequently moving abroad for work took an awful lot out of him, and left things pretty complicated between him and his four sons.

I always get the notion that he expected us to go on to great things, I always get the notion that it's surprised him that he didn't himself. Maybe that's normal too!

He lives in the states now, has apparently settled with a very nice lady and her three kids. We don't argue, we talk every few weeks on the phone about work, football, what's in the news. I guess he's just a normal dad, which is maybe all I could have hoped for given the period 1990-2005 tbh.

As I get older the one thing that I find funny/annoying about my dad (and I mean lol funny with my other siblings) is how fucking rude he can be! It's not like even intentional, just like, you'll go for a walk with him or something, on his enthusiastic suggestion, like "lets go for a walk!" and for the entire walk he'll be monosyllabic or close down avenues of conversation. If you want to get him talking you have to talk golf, rugby or football (and bring up matches or players he likes, eg "jim furyk is a great competitor" is always a good starter for 10!) or memorable family incidents/stories, eg holidays in the early 90s.

Anyway we're all sort of used to this and he shows his kindness in other ways, not least unbelievably generous. But my sister told me when he first met her husband over in Glasgow, after they'd been together 3/4 years and were living together, her husband thought it'd be a good bonding exercise to go to a football match and have a few pints or whatever. He's a big St Mirren fan. So when he proposed this to my Dad my Dad just was like "ah no I think I'll just stay in and watch At the Races, I've a bet on a horse." He then sat on his own in their living room all day...

I'd prefer that to watching St Mirren as well, tbh. Wise decision.

Staying in to watch paint dry is a valid alternative too

haha knew someone would say that!

Funnily enough, following St Mirren's 1987 cup winning run with my dad was probably the closest we ever got... and we weren't even St Mirren fans

her husband thought it'd be a good bonding exercise to go to a football match and have a few pints or whatever

tbh this effort at 'forced bonding' always makes me want to back out too, wld run a mile.

yeah if you look at it like that i hear you, but on the other hand, watching a match and having a few beers, not that tough a thing to do with your daughter's longterm bf is it!

now i can only go on my own experience, but certainly it appears to have been a pretty harrowing option for any of my gf's dads tbh.

St Mirren's cup winning run in 1987 was the first time I ever won money off a bookie - gave my dad £1 to go and put a bet on them winning after I saw them play Caley in an early round. I never bet on Celtic ever, even now, but decided if someone that wasn't them was going to win, I might as well get some money for it. I was a wise kid back then.

(not that wise, actually, only went to see St Mirren because the guy I fancied at school was a St Mirren fan and I thought he might talk to me if I'd gone to see them. He didn't.)

Oh, and one of my husband's first bonding sessions with my dad was taking him to see St Mirren! Actually to see Clyde, who were playing St Mirren, but there you are. It's a thing!

my dad smokes, right. thing is, he tries to hide it from me and my siblings. he'll say he's going out to the car to bring some shopping in, or that he's just putting some rubbish out, but i can hear him lighting up, and see him lingering outside the back door. i actually walked straight into him smoking one time, and for the next few minutes he was walking around the kitchen with a pen in his mouth, as if to convince me that i'd just seen him sucking a pen whilst contemplating something, and that i hadn't seen him smoking at all. i know smoking aint exactly a massive sin (although i'd obv rather he didn't do it), but... the fact he can't even, i don't know, tell me he smokes is really fucking weird to me. and like no matter what happens i'll always have this thing in the back of my mind that for some reason he can't be honest with me. i want to confront him about it but fuck it. then there's the strained relationship with my alcoholic bro.

St. Mirren - Bringing People Together Since 1877 (xp)

re dads who smoke: my dad smokes, and uses nicotine replacement gum as well - i think he gets more nicotine now than he did when he was 'a smoker'. He has been successfully hiding this from my mother for YEARS. Quite recently she found out that he was smoking and came to me all 'did you know?!!', to which the only available response is a shrug because, well, of course i knew, but there was no way i would have told her.

She then told me that she's suspected it before because he always seemed to have lighters lying around but that he had explained to her that that was so he could lend them to me if i needed one. This appeared to be a completely reasonable explanation to her! I just cannot fathom what she thinks our relationship is like if she expects my dad to be so desperate to be of help to me that he buys lighters he does not need on the off-chance that I will find myself without one and be incapable of buying myself some matches. (also when he told her this i hadn't been smoking for like six months and had been living in a different city entirely)

My dad smokes, always has. Has quit a few times but has never lasted very long. He's had 2 heart attacks and refuses to quit because he swears the second attack was CAUSED by quitting smoking. I absolutely hate that he smokes and I hate smoking and tell every one of my friends who smokes or starts smoking that they should quit BBBUUUUTTTT I do have this pleasant association with the smell of cigarette smoke mixed with sweat because of my dad and even though it sounds nasty whenever I smell it on a guy I kinda get all moony. The end.

im trying to fathom how your mom is mad your dad smokes but is okay with you doing it

(xp)

my dad is grebt, but he has become extraordinarily inflexible. i guess this is a thing when one gets older -- i can kind of see it happening to me even now -- but still. he is a car guy and will not take his car anywhere where the roads are substandard or there's a remote chance of someone bumping his car (he rented a car to come to my wedding). he hates traveling and has not visited me in six years, even though there are plenty of things here that would theoretically interest him. he pretty much refuses to do anything he hasn't already done before.

that said, he's one of the smartest, well-read people i know. he has a kindle and an ipad and all yon gadgetry. a few years ago he got into astronomy and bought a telescope (and started complaining about rampant light pollution). during hockey season, he mails me clippings of all the articles in the local paper -- it's so cute i haven't had the heart to tell him i can read them online.

anyway, he's pretty cool. wish i saw him more, and feel bad that while my mom is very kind and loving, i don't really enjoy being around her that much.

I find it sad that every so often, emails from my dad which are normally nice and chatty, descend into weird incomprehensible rants that are an amalgam of every Daily Mail story from the last 6 months (latest was that my brother can't get a job because the govt have let in 'all and sundry' and are closing post offices and how talking about immigration gets you branded a racist - which I think is one of the most successful myths the DM have ever peddled - so no-one brought it up in the election campaigns). I mean I'm almost making it sound like it makes sense here but at the end of it I have no idea what he's actually trying to say or why.
BTW my brother has no qualifications, no real skills afaik, no common sense or initiative, and got fired from his last job for doing something unbelievably dumb, in a rural area where unskilled jobs were like gold dust even before the recession. Which obviously means that he needs someone who knows what they're talking about to help him into employment and I seriously doubt my dad's attitude is helping.

Does anyone actually talk openly and normally with their dad?

i met my dad maybe 12 years ago. long story. he's a good man. i'm very glad i connected with him and my west-coast family. i'm not sure how "openly and normally" we talk, but that's perhaps because the dynamic between us is so informed by the odd circumstances. he feels so guilty for the time lost, despite my reassuring him that it's okay. i'm so determined to let everyone know that i take care of myself and my family that it tended to get in the way of real dialogue. i'm better about that now. i have to be: he deserves better than that. maybe i do, too.

he's had health problems lately (now in hospital, recovering from infection). it's strange -- now, at 42, i feel sad about not having had a father growing up.

I think the moment that I realized how much I really love my Dad was when I brought my husband back to Australia to visit after we had been married.

The family had all met Clay, but not spent a great deal of time getting to know him, so the visit after our wedding was a longer visit, designed for everyone to get to know each other a little better. My Mum and my sister were incredibly standoffish with Mr Veg, which is sort of a weird family thing that I never noticed until I'd been away (and realized immediately that I'm the same way, and after seeing it from the other end vowed to change it immediately). Like, Mum would ask him weird official-sounding questions about his parents or whatever, but there was such an obvious uncomfortableness about it that it just made it feel more like a job interview than a casual conversation. Mum hates smalltalk, and Mr Veg isn't the chattiest of Kathies...it was just hard to watch. My sister barely even spoke to him. It wasn't that they didn't like him....I think they just couldn't get past their own uncomfortableness of not knowing him, you know. But it drove me crazy, and I found it kind of embarrassing.

But my Dad? From the first day, he chatted away with Mr Veg like he had known him for years. I have a vivid memory of him standing outside watering the garden, Mr Veg standing nearby having a ciggy, both standing there with big grins, a laugh every now and again...Dad put Mr Veg at ease almost immediately. Not fake or forced, just genuinely happy to get to know Mr Veg and worked off the basic theory that if I was marrying the guy then he must be alright. I was so proud of him.

And here's the thing: all my life Mum had mocked Dad's geniality. "He'd talk the leg off a table if he thought it had played football with him". It was a running joke that he'd talk to anyone about everyone who'd ever lived, died, farmed or played football and she hated that he was always so nice to everyone, even people Mum hated, and that he didn't hold a grudge. And I had always bought into it, because Dad had a fairly weak position in the family in general. We always sort of mocked him, because Mum viewed him with such disdain. (Their relationship was pretty dismal...but they stayed together somehow, and individually were both pretty good parents to us. They just kind of sucked as a team. At least that's how I rationalized it)

But that friendly, talkative quality in my Dad that had always been mocked, it now means the world to me. Whatever failings there were in his relationship with Mum, those weren't failings that he passed onto us kids...as a Dad he was always there for us. I'm happy that I got to realize what a genuinely nice person my Dad is before, you know, it is too late. It made a huge difference.

aw, your dad sounds like a great guy

He really is.

My Mum and my sister were incredibly standoffish with Mr Veg, which is sort of a weird family thing that I never noticed until I'd been away (and realized immediately that I'm the same way, and after seeing it from the other end vowed to change it immediately).

pretty sure this is an australian thing

sunny - bcz i'm young, i guess? i mean, she was never happy about it, but she smoked until her late 30s and i guess felt like she has/had no room to talk, and that i'd stop eventually, whereas my dad is in his seventies.

aw VG that is an excellent story, good on your dad.

<3 i was just at the grocery store and i heard a boy say, dad! you read my mind! and the dad said, it wasn't hard, there was hardly anything in there. and then later they ended up behind me in the checkout and had a gossipy discussion about whether or not brendan fevola (football disaster) was divorced, the dad said he thought he was and the boy (who was about 8) was adamant he wasn't. there was also a little sister with curls and a bold face who was sitting on the trolley and swinging her legs. then they all had a quick discussion in pleased voices about what a large supply of snacks they had bought.

Yes, VG, that's a great story. Your dad sounds exactly like my dad - it sounds cliched, but everyone he meets likes him, always has done. He just has the knack of conversation, of laughing, of just being open and likeable and receptive to new people (and of having a million anecdotes built up over his 70+ years to keep conversations going). He's always tended to leave the tough parental stuff to my mum, but by God can he step in and be all dad-like when he has to. They work pretty well as a team.

Your mother sounds like my mother-in-law: this ( Like, Mum would ask him weird official-sounding questions about his parents or whatever, but there was such an obvious uncomfortableness about it that it just made it feel more like a job interview than a casual conversation) is how I feel every time I'm in her company, even after ten years with her son. I've never quite been able to describe the stiltedness and awkwardness and the absolute lack of free-flowing conversation, but that's as good a description as i can imagine.

Having come from a family which was full of laughter and casual conversation and interest (or at least feigned interest) in each others' opinions and actions and lives, I cannot bear it.

http://img638.imageshack.us/img638/2396/80stvmytwodads.jpg

The grocery store story is so nice. I was at the shops recently and a dad and his little boy were near me when Toploader's 'Dancing In The Moonlight' came over the tannoy and the kiddie got all excited, and the dad was all: "Yeah! You like this song! Yeah!!!". Toploader! That's something to aspire to, that kind of uncomplicated always-good-times dad.

on flag days, I sometimes see dads out there with their kids wearing the big collection box, and my heart gets so big

my dad hasn't always been the greatest, and has brought the family to the brink a few times, but here are my fond memories of my dad:

-when I was about 6 or 7, my dad brought me to toys r us and bought me a g.i. joe vehicle, I think it was some kind of swamp racer thing. when we got home and my mom found out, she flipped out and immediately left to take it back to the store. I cried in my dad's arms for a good hour.
-at around the same age, he brought back a bootleg vhs tape of the lion king, because he had heard it was popular with kids. he didn't know anything about it, I guess somebody had just recommended it at the video store he went to in chinatown. I watched it once and didn't really 'get it' at the time but looking back that was a really great thing to do.
-he would always take me to the best buy to buy me a CD after the weekly piano lesson. I think he took me to buy my second ever CD too - metallica's reloaded - and patiently waited outside the cd store in the hip part of town while I went inside.

My dad was just plain outstanding without being show-offy about it. He had the quiet knack of doing what was right and on those few rare occasions when he put a foot wrong, it was a huge surprise, he was normally so steady. In my private memories, I always think of him as The Dear Sweet Man, but he could also be a lion for courage when that was required. I miss him, but not too badly, since I got the benefit of him for five decades before he died.

Being Steady is one of the most enduring and memorable qualities of dads, I think. When a mom has to be the rock of the family, it makes her admirable but it sort of implies that the dad wasn't ready or able to be that for her. It's not fair because everyone has their own qualities to combine to the mix and that should be enough, shouldn't it? but somehow just being there, ready to act when necessary is such a Dad thing.

yeah. that's a good summary of how i see the "Dad thing" in the context of my being a dad now.

My parents had a deal about the bodily fluid aspects of parenting: my mom thinks nothing of the diapers and the throw-up ("It's just a baby, this is what babies do!") and my dad handled all the blood & trauma episodes. He could keep calm and administer the first aid, drive us to the ER, decide what to do immediately, and never let on how fearsome the situation was. He was always the one to wash off our wounds and determine whether stitches would be needed, or just a band-aid -- my mother couldn't look and would hover to the side, talking to us to show that she was there and we were loved, but it was my dad's hands that sluiced off the blood and held us still.

He'll think of a way to fix just about anything using only the materials already on the property or somehow sourceable from neighbors (although he'll admit, sometimes his jury-rigging or over-confidence with experimentation created the problem in the first place), and he doesn't appear to have any problem with a full day of hard labor & constant application to some job or other. He gave all of us the idea that you should be engaged & busy with something up until the moment your eyes close, basically, although these days he tires out around 8pm and falls asleep in the middle of every movie he watches.

He was the first person in a family of blue-collar craftsmen to go to college (maybe even to finish high school), and being a slightly aspie engineer is probably the most significant aspect of his personality. A rigid code of personal honor and the reluctance to admit to an emotional inner life wrap it up, although in his old age (joke) he's getting downright bookish, which I encourage whenever possible.

I very much want his company to turn into the brilliant success that his intellect & labor deserve because right now there's no sign that he can afford to retire, and that big job that will secure their future is always on the horizon....

Laurel, my dad was also the first in his family to finish high school and also to finish college. He had nine siblings, most of them younger, and was exceptionally good with kids. He taught my mom how to change a diaper!

anyone else's dad get the daily mail every day to get whatever free cd or dvd they're giving away that day, even though they're never going to listen to it or watch it?

My dad had his hip replaced a couple of weeks ago. He was terrified before the op - he doesn't 'do' being ill or doctors or hospitals - but it went really well, and I'm proud of how he's doing his post-op exercises and stuff. He's a very quiet man and we don't have all that much in common in many ways, but I love him.

Around 2003-2004, my dad was called on to give evidence at a public enquiry into a large scale construction project that had gone massively overbudget. The body responsible for comissioning the project had given him a completely unjustified roasting (to cover their own backs) and the press were printing outright lies about him and his firm on their frony pages. An extremely stressful time for him. And when I met him one morning, not longer after starting my first proper job, on the train to Edinburgh, him on his way to give evidence, me on my way to the photocopier, he took me for breakfast and we chatted. He never let on the pressure he was under - I only figured it out much later. My dad: a total pro. Me: now less self absorbed.

fuck my dad and his archaic, homophobic views.

sorry, had to get that off my chest.

He doesn't buy the Mail for the DVD at all, you're saying?

lols, gets it primarily for the dvds, but i'm sure he has a quick scan of the headlines an' all.

the aul fella has been emailing me a couple times a week form his latest gig, i tihnk he's trying to make me jealous. tonight: acapulco.

txt from dad:

Tomorrow is our 36th
wedding anniversary
I bought ___ a bar of
chocolate but did not
notice it said spiced chili

aw

more:

Also I bought a chocolate
mousse cake which turned
out to be all mousse so
when I removed the plastic
around its sides it looked
like a sad cake

However I did buy her a
Coltrane CD and I hope
she likes it

Is your dad william carlos williams

forgive me
I did not notice
it was spiced chili

Dad: Is it possible to file class action on behalf of a voter who believes his elected executive branch is being steam rolled by the congress with regards to conducting foreign policy?

Me: No

Dad: Thank you

My Dad got me a book about Fidel and Che for Christmas.

I always feel slightly worried about people who describe their dad as a "friend". Just seems slightly creepy to me.
He's a great guy, my father, but we're from two different worlds, so unless we're talking about football, we've got nothing in common.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Friday, February 27, 2004 5:06 PM (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I am a dad and my two-year-old son recently told me I was his best friend. It might be my favorite thing anyone's ever said to me!

dads!

a few years ago after my my dad's mum died, i was in the back of my his car with my three siblings, very squashed, and my mum and dad in the front. we all had a few drinks after the funeral and it was a long and emotional day, tinged with a bit of strange family stuff, but as we drove back to my granny's house, where we were staying, the stories about granny and dad's childhood continued. he was telling us how they used to keep a couple of greyhounds, which we knew, but he had never gone into detail about how much he loved these greyhounds. he began to talk with real animation and passion about getting up early before school to walk them, washing them, feeding them, and how loyal they were, about how he and my grandad used to take them to the races and always be hoping for a winner. then he described how eventually they had this one hound that was brilliant, it won every race, and they loved it. he said they had real personality, the dogs, and this one was an individual. it won some big race in dublin and a trainer made a huge financial offer for it, and they sold it and were able to buy a television and a washing machine for my granny with the money they got. he went on to say how they never had any dogs again after that because himself and my grandad missed this one hound of genius. he was kind of repeating himself with joy about what smart animals they were and i think myself, my sister and my two brothers were asking him questions to keep him going, so glad were we to see this outpouring of love and nostalgia from a normally reticent man. "why was that dog better?" "did they need much training?" "what age were you when you walked the greyhound?" "was it difficult to keep it under control" "how did you train them?" - all these questions were met with various answers, some factual, some long-winded, some still lost in the same nostalgic wonder.

then i wondered "why did you never get a dog when we were growing up dad?"

deadly serious: "A DOG? SHIR A DOG IS WORSE THAN A CHILD! YOU COULDN'T EVEN GO ON HOLIDAYS WITH A DOG!"

He's got a point.

i grew up in a house with dogs.
my parents gave more TLC to the dogs than they did us kids.
to the point that everytime my sis/me asked if we could go somewhere as a family the response was always : 'nope, cos of the XYZ re the dogs'.
so, i agree totally with your dads response.

Great great story

Having lunch with old dad next week

My dad actually wants a book about motorway services for Christmas
#dads

hopefully tebay gets plenty of space devoted to it

Centra dad

My dad actually wants a book about motorway services for Christmas
#dads

..and your problem is ??

after years of usual Dad crap xmas presents i decided to set up an amazon wish list.
i added loads of stuff i wanted (mastodon/lcd/dj hell/soulwax/heliocentrics/judge dredd/tank girl), and sent the link to various family members.
the response : "i am not buying you any of that crap".
basically, us dads cannot win.

tonight is my first respite in 15 years, where I'm actually pissed and it isn't irresponsible behaviour. Got 2 of these nights a month now (　＾∇＾)

He's always been a little Partridge-esque at times but this is peak dad.

He did get mildly interested in golf about 10 years ago but that was just a fad. A dad fad.

Hi 5 calz go nuts

I would like to buy him something fun/cultural! but he always asks for a Halfords voucher or some slippers.

A dad fad.

buy him a metal detector and seasons 1-3 of the detectorists.

When I was about 8 he bought me a kids' metal detector! He then borrowed it to find where the pipes were in the walls before knocking through various walls.

My dad was a horrible man having only improved slightly

When I was about 8 he bought me a kids' metal detector! He then borrowed it to find where the pipes were in the walls before knocking through various walls.

sounds like its about time he needs a new detector.

My dad no longer lives with the partner references upthread tho he's still in touch with her kids. She married a woman since so I'm told.

He's now in Seattle and lives with a very nice woman there the past few years. They share caring duties for her teenage son who is profoundly disabled but she seems to be pretty wealthy and they have enough help to travel a bit and live well, he doesn't seem to need to fish any longer, which at 63 is a relief.

If your dad is 63, then I am literally old enough to be your father. This is moderately surprising, but not disturbing.

Didn't think my age had been a secret at any stage but I can understand where my decrepit WDYLL performance may have thrown you somewhat

Your crust is beyond your years.

dads

Sounds like he has earned it dmac

He's there anyways I dunno. He took extended breaks from parenting between 1980 and say 2005 in order to stay fresh is one way I'd look at it maybe.

<3

Thks

Anyway:

dads

― Roberto Spiralli, Friday, 8 December 2017 00:00 (forty minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Otm

My dad actually wants a book about motorway services for Christmas
#dads

― kinder, Thursday, December 7, 2017 5:06 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Did he happen to mention the title of the book?

Mine has bladder cancer and has to put a catheter in on a regular basis
Something to look forward to

Sorry to hear that

My dad has a "Keith Richards for president" shirt. He's got dadditude.

can u get me one of those shirts plz & thank u