Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

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Girl I work with is chatting to a male customer in friendly fashion as she serves him. He leaves, then me and her have this conversation.

Annoying Girl: "I hope people don't get the wrong idea!"
Me: "Eh?"
AG: "About me and the guy. I hope people don't start thinking we're going out, just because I'm friendly to him when he comes in."
Me: "Eh, I don't think people will assume that."
AG: "You don't think the bosses would fire me for it? You know, for being too friendly with the customers?"
Me: "Eh, no." (Thinking: Christ Almighty!)
AG: "I'm really worried now. They wouldn't fire me for it, would they?"
Me: "I doubt it."

A few minutes pass...

AG: "I'm still really worried. They wouldn't fire me, would they?"
Me: "NO!" (Thinking: leave me alone, you neurotic freak!)

Then this crazy elderly man, a regular customer, comes in. He was in a car accident which left him, (how shall I put this?), barking mad. He thinks he's a real estate owner, and I'm one of his tenants, despite the fact that he asks me for money for tobacco every time he comes in. He proceeds to tell the annoying girl about all the houses he owns, and how I am one of his tenants etc, etc, while drooling and smelling terrible! He leaves.

AG: (genuinely) "Was that true, what he was saying?"
Me: "Oh my, no."
AG: "It could have been..."
Me: "I'm pretty sure it wasn't" (Thinking: Christ! I think I'd know if I was one of his tenants!)
AG: "Appearances can be deceptive..."
Me: "No, I'm pretty sure he's barking mad."
AG: "But-"
Me: "NO!"

It was a long day at work. I feel better now I've got it off my chest! Now it's your turn to bitch.

What makes it even more irritating is that she's a very NICE person. No harm in her at all, just really annoying and stupid. So I feel bad for bitching about her, yet I am compelled to do so!

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Thursday, 28 November 2002 22:19 (10 years ago) Permalink

One of the managers at the petrol station once called me outside for a smoke and to talk to me, it was a bit like the Warden Norton/Tommy scene in Shawshank Redemption.

Boss:"Ronan could you comb your hair next time you come to work"

Me:"eh in fairness the contract doesn't say anything about me having to comb my hair"

Boss:"yeah but I mean you're a student now yeah? this job isn't so bad. they look after you well, it's a good wage, I'm happy with my lot"

Me:"I don't think there's any chance of me ever working here for a living, long term"

Boss:"Yeah and they pay your health insurance, it's not too difficult a job either"

Me:"Yeah no I'm never going to want to work here, to be honest I was planning on quitting as soon as I start college, or maybe even sooner, you needn't tell the main boss that"

Boss:"Oh don't worry, whatever is discussed here stays here. *long David Brent style lecture* I know what it's like to work WITH people and AROUND people, and I know that this station is not being run as effectively as possible, it's a clique, and I'm sure you can see that too Ronan. But quitting isn't going to change that. You quitting will not make this a smoother operation.

Me:"Eh I don't care about this job, I'm not sure what your point is"

Boss:"All I'm saying is, think about what I've said to you yeah? Just think about it"

Me:"............ok"

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 28 November 2002 22:45 (10 years ago) Permalink

Is it only DCU students who work with stupid, annoying people?

― DV (dirtyvicar), Thursday, 28 November 2002 23:50 (10 years ago) Permalink

no, its anyone who has ever worked in bars with no-neck, arrogant-for-no-reason wankers, with no brain function other than the tiny amount required to raise a beer to their filthy mouths after a shift.

― donna (donna), Friday, 29 November 2002 04:26 (10 years ago) Permalink

Hurrah for it is the last day of the CompulsiveEatingBurpingCulotteWearingTactlessJollyCoWorker today!!! What will hopefully be my last annoying conversation with her happened first thing on Wednesday morning:

CEBCWTJCW: Morning Rachel!!! Oooh! What have you done to your NOSE??

Me: What? Oh yeah, it's a spot.

CEBCWTJCW: No! You've cut yourself or something! It's really RED.

Me: No, really, it's just a big, shiny, noticeable spot.

CEBCWTJCW: It looks really BAD!

At this point I gave up all hope of having a good day.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 29 November 2002 09:17 (10 years ago) Permalink

Day one at my new job.

Woman At Next Desk: Oh, you used to live in London? So did I. I moved back after my daughter started school and, to be honest, I'm really glad I did. The education you get in London is terrible.

Madchen: I've heard inner city schools are, er, challenging.

WAND: Oh yes. I mean, she was one of only three white faces in the class.

Madchen: Oh. (Mutters something under her breath about 1 in 4 Scots).

― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 29 November 2002 09:26 (10 years ago) Permalink

My co-worker Oh, I'm not being funny.... but could you only buy your lunch from the shop across the road from now on? When you go anywhere else it takes too long. Maybe you should bring a pack up from home.

Me (in my head): No, fuck off you food fascist. You're the one who is consistantly 15 minutes late back from lunch every day, and I know I'll spend the last hour of the day sitting around doing nothing listening to you go on and on and on so it's not like we're really busy. And God, just never speak to me again!

Me (in reality): Yeah, no problem.

― Madeleine (Madeleine), Friday, 29 November 2002 10:29 (10 years ago) Permalink

Maddie, immediately invent an obscure food allergy that REQUIRES you to go to a different shop! Oh , and then KILL HER.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 29 November 2002 10:50 (10 years ago) Permalink

haha, madchen, fuck you! ;)

― dwh (dwh), Friday, 29 November 2002 10:52 (10 years ago) Permalink

What the hell? Why, precisely, was that necessary, dwh? Christ on a bike.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 29 November 2002 10:57 (10 years ago) Permalink

Maddie, your co-worker is EVIL. There's only one place you should go for an off-site lunch and that's THE PUB!

― robster (robster), Friday, 29 November 2002 10:58 (10 years ago) Permalink

Rule 2858 in a series of obscure rules:

Office twats who preface statements with 'I'm not being funny' should recognise that everything following the phrase comes with its own virtual kill file.

My other suggestion would be to canvass other coworkers for a pizza delivery one Friday and exclude her blatantly.

― suzy (suzy), Friday, 29 November 2002 11:10 (10 years ago) Permalink

I want to invent a food allergy but then I'd be like her! She's allergic to garlic, alcohol, traffic fumes, manmade fibres, "still air" (this means we have the fan on in the winter so the air circulates and her eyes don't "gum up"), some other stuff that I forgot and, of course, EVER DOING ANY WORK. She is allergic to getting off her arse, I fear.

And the "I'm not being funny/I'm not having a go/I don't want you to take this the wrong way...." rule. I reckon if you have to start a sentence with any of these statements, you shouldn't be saying the sentence at all!

― Madeleine (Madeleine), Friday, 29 November 2002 11:30 (10 years ago) Permalink

Oh, and I can't canvass others to share food. There's only me and her in the whole shop. And when it's quiet she talks to me like we're friends but we're not. It's all very unfortunate.

― Madeleine (Madeleine), Friday, 29 November 2002 11:32 (10 years ago) Permalink

Haha 'still air'????

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 29 November 2002 11:37 (10 years ago) Permalink

This stupid stupid woman sent every single person here an email saying that she left 60 centimes in the coffee machine and asking for whoever finds it to bring it to her office. What a scrooge!

― Miss Laura, Friday, 29 November 2002 11:58 (10 years ago) Permalink

it wasn't sincere, liz, it was just a grumble about the allegation that 1/4 of scots are racist, y'know. the 'haha' was meant to temper it, sorry.

― dwh (dwh), Friday, 29 November 2002 12:39 (10 years ago) Permalink

Allegation? My personal experience is this:

I work in a room with two people. Person 1 said to me all the stuff I wrote above. She thought nothing of saying it to a stranger (the assumption, I guess, being that I would think the same). Person 2 laughed along merrily. Also, I have come across numerous people in Glasgow who tell me they get scared in London because there are so many black people around. Again, the way they express themselves implies they feel no sense of shame whatsoever - they just don't see there's anything wrong in expressing obviously prejudiced opinions.

I'm not denying for a second that racism doesn't exist elsewhere (and I'm not forgetting that the survey found 3 in 4 Scots aren't racist) but this is the only place I've encountered bigots who have the expectation that my opinion must be the same as theirs.

― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 29 November 2002 13:17 (10 years ago) Permalink

Try the deli counter at S**n**ury's. I get so many customers who expect me to agree with their racist opinions simply because I am white. Twats.

― alix (alix), Friday, 29 November 2002 17:42 (10 years ago) Permalink

e-mail from my boss: "when I came in on Monday, the Threepenny Opera files were not online. I expect that when I assign a task that it will be completed. Don't let this happen in the future."

reply from me: "actually, on Friday we both determined that we had the wrong CD and would have to special order a new copy. On Monday."

reply from my boss: "There must have been some miscommunication here."

yeah, between your ears and your brain. moron!

― Dave M. (rotten03), Friday, 29 November 2002 17:56 (10 years ago) Permalink

Suzy, you aren't generalising wildly enough: yes, anyone who says "I'm not being funny, but" is best punched, hard and often, but this applies to most other sentences on the "I'm not being [X], but" model. X=racist obviously means "I am a loathsome racist", most obviously and clearly. Try 'sexist' or 'nasty' too.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 29 November 2002 19:18 (10 years ago) Permalink

Happily I've been blessed with a slew of great co-workers. I will say that some years back the news that someone was departing from our neck of the woods to go elsewhere was greeted with quiet relief, though.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 29 November 2002 19:30 (10 years ago) Permalink

Maddy, if she's your boss and only other co-worker then it sounds like she needs you more than you need her. POINTEDLY go to other shops to get your lunch. I say ignore the instruction.

― suzy (suzy), Friday, 29 November 2002 22:55 (10 years ago) Permalink

Annoying Coworker: Yes, well, that account would be able to fund your entity if you hadn't taken money from it without telling me.
Me: What?
Annoying Coworker: (holds up wire) See? $147,000 from my account.
Me: No, we gave you money.
Annoying Coworker WHO GETS PAID LOTS MORE THAN ME: NO YOU DID NOT. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't write wires without telling me in the future.
Me: Did you look at this? You account is on the credit side. Management (nb: my account) is on the debit side!
Annoying Coworker: Whatever, just don't do it again.

What the fuck?

― Ally (mlescaut), Saturday, 30 November 2002 06:50 (10 years ago) Permalink

1 month passes...

We've got two new people here this year - one of whom is very cool and I hardly see, so we get along really well. The other one, though - a nightmare. She's the epitome of simpering little girl-ness, speaks to me (and most everyone else) as though I'm a retarded child when in fact I've been doing the job that she's just begun (and is completely incompetent at, I might add) for 12 years. She's one of those people who has never met anyone as fascinating as herself in all of her born days and if she doesn't calm down, stop being a stupid bitch and stop second guessing every word I say to her, I will hit her in the head with a brick.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 14 January 2003 19:26 (10 years ago) Permalink

The receptionist keeps telling everyone she's going through post partum depression.

Despite the fact that she's obviously still pregnant.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 02:47 (10 years ago) Permalink

My head hurts.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 02:49 (10 years ago) Permalink

How about the dumbass cockfarmer that came into the library coughing and sneezing in such an ostentatious way it's like he intentionally planned a big Outbreak scenario? Now I'm at home running a fever and I think I might have bronchitis again.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 02:49 (10 years ago) Permalink

Hm. Find him and kill him.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 02:51 (10 years ago) Permalink

I was depressed about being unemployed until I saw this thread. Thank you everyone. :)

― fractal (fractal), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 03:06 (10 years ago) Permalink

I was also informed that I wasn't authorized to approve payment on technological items.

However, I AM authorized to purchase them, however I want, whenever I want.

What does that even mean?

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 03:13 (10 years ago) Permalink

It means you got the kingdom, you got the key. Order yourself everything you ever wanted and don't share.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 03:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

people should post more on this thread. i like it.

― Maria (Maria), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 04:23 (10 years ago) Permalink

What follows is an email that was sent to some friends last spring, after a particularly bad morning with co-workers.

SUBJECT LINE: I gotta get outta this place
...if it's the last thing I ever do (feel free to hum along.)

After a delightful morning spent discussing why someone:
1. Shouldn't open a printer paperfeed drawer, while the printer is printing;
2. Shouldn't send emails to everyone on their mailing lists about Church-related emails;
3. Should let others know when they need the printer instead of deleting documents in the queue;
4. Shouldn't tell someone "this is urgent" so they work really late to get it finished, when really, it isn't urgent at all and in fact, doesn't need to be done at all; and
5. Shouldn't take someone else's lunch from the refrigerator and leave it on the counter to make room for "extra drinks in case we have visitors,"
I have now experienced the conversation to top them all (and really, you have to laugh at this one. I did. Once I calmed down, imbibed chocolate and nicotine, and thought "well, at least it's not quantum physics?). So....here it is:

A Dialogue between "M" (yours truly) and "S" (Otherwise known as Scarett/Princess/Arch Nemesis/The Scarf Lady/etc.)
S: Hey "M"!
M: Yes?
S: You know how to work that digital camera yet?
M: Yeah, figured it out last week.
S: How long does it take to get those photos developed?
M: What?
S: I need some photos really fast, so I can photocopy them and make notes on the back. And get duplicates too, in case they get messed-up.
M: What? What pictures do you need taken?
S: I need to you take pictures of my computer.
M: Why?
S: I need to know what's on my computer.
M: (sigh) You are looking for a file?
S: No, I need to know what is on my screen thing.
M: (dawning awareness) You need screen captures?
S: No, I need pictures of my computer.
M: For....?
S: I need to know what's on my screen, 'cause these instructions don't make sense and I want to make notes.
M: Okay, then you need a picture of the information on your screen, that you can print and add notes to?
S: Yes.
M: Okay, we don't need the camera for that. We can just do screen captures. It's easy.
(M walks over to other office, taking deep and soothing breathes all the while, and explains how to "CTRL+ALT+PrtScn" - runs into trouble with explanation of holding down all keys at the same time. Eventually resolved and screen is captured.)
M: Now open Word and set the page to ?Landscape.?
S: My computer won't do that.
M: What? Yes it will.
(M goes through brief discussion of "portrait" vs "landscape" and how to perform operation in Word. Discovers part of problem is that S doesn?t know how to open Word because the icon isn?t on her desktop.)
M: Now just hit "Shift+Insert" and your screen shot will be inserted.
M: No, you need to hold down both keys at the same time.
M: I don't know, that's just the way the program is designed.
M: Yeah, it is find of frustrating.
M: Okay, now you have it. Just insert a new page for each of the next screen captures and then print the file.
(M returns to own desk and gets back into rhythm of formatting proposal.)
S: M! It isn't working. I want you to take the pictures for me.
M: I don't have time to take the pictures right now, I have to get this back to _____.
S: Well, I don't have the time to use the camera, so I guess this won't get done and _____ will be mad.
M: Yeah, I guess ___ will be mad, but I'll explain the problem to him.
S: Can't you do these thingys for me?
M: No, not right now. I have to get this done.
S: You know, it's your job to do this.
M: No, actually it isn't. I am sorry, but I really can't do it right now. If I have time later I'll come over and see what we can do. In the meantime, why don't you look under the "Help" menu to see if those instructions are better.
S: Oh, my computer doesn't have any "Help" on it. I keep telling ____ he needs to fix it, but he won't.

(M decides, for sake of sanity, to not try and figure out what that last comment means and returns to her editing, swearing all the while.)
End of original email.

And here are additional interesting tidbits about ?S?:
She claimed on her resume to be ?Microsoft Certified,? but was unable to explain what that meant;
She wrote all of her correspondence in Excel, because she didn?t know how to open Word (the icon wasn?t on her desktop);
When she came into work each morning, she made herself a pot of tea and sat in her cubicle reading household decorating magazines and drinking tea for the first two hours: and, best of all
She was once asked to provide a file that she had finished working on to another co-worker. The file was not on her hard drive for, as she explained, she ?didn?t want to fill it up with things? (and it was a 20 G HD!) File was eventually determined, by her, to be on a floppy. But floppy was blank when co-worker opened it. Eventually ?S? showed supervisor where she stored all of her floppys containing important info. She was attaching them to the metal parts of her cubicle with large magnets, so she ?could always find them.?

~ Laura (who is thankful that she can claim to be a happy rat, that abandoned the sinking ship in time to move to a much cushier and affluent ship, and is now ridiculously happy with things)

― LCD (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 05:13 (10 years ago) Permalink

She was once asked to provide a file that she had finished working on to another co-worker. The file was not on her hard drive for, as she explained, she "didn't want to fill it up with things" (and it was a 20 G HD!)

I've met a few people who have done basic "computer literacy" courses at colleges and Adult Ed. places who do this. What seems to happen is: the college says "don't store your files on the hard drive [of our lab computers], use a floppy" and the person absorbs this without understanding *why* they're being told it.

These sort of courses always seem to produce people who can't do anything except exactly what was on the course, and then only if their computer is set up exactly like the college ones were. Hence, not being able to start Word if it doesn't have a desktop icon.

(of course, the other stuff shows that this person seems to be a fuckwit regardless of that)

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 10:49 (10 years ago) Permalink

Laura, that's fantastic.

The ex-receptionist at my office once printed out an email so she could type it up in Word.

― Alfie (Alfie), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 11:02 (10 years ago) Permalink

is that why she's an ex-receptionist?

― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 11:30 (10 years ago) Permalink

awwwwww, usually this stuff would make me mad, but today i want to find them all and help them and give them tea.

it's a sappy day.

― g-kit (g-kit), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 11:42 (10 years ago) Permalink

Heh, you'd think so wouldn't you. In actual fact, it wasn't until she went on holiday for 6 weeks and nobody noticed her absence that it became the MD realised that we could do without her.

― Alfie (Alfie), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 11:48 (10 years ago) Permalink

sounds familiar - we had a Communications Executive who never did any communicating.

― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 11:54 (10 years ago) Permalink

We also had an account executive who used to wander around the office to kill time. He had this time-consuming trick of getting up from his desk and finding a bin in another part of the building to throw his litter into (rather than the bin under his desk). Another trick was to go down to the fax machine to send a fax, return to his desk, wait a couple of minutes and then return to the fax machine to collect the piece of paper.

― Alfie (Alfie), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 12:00 (10 years ago) Permalink

One of my new colleagues is, to all intents and purposes, Jade. I quote:

1. "What does agriculture mean?"

2. "I was so annoyed. Someone threw themselves under my tube yesterday. People that do that must be mad."

3. Me: "Just tell them to put the web address in and it will take them straight into the site."

Her: "What address? Their address?"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 12:06 (10 years ago) Permalink

I can't decide whether to post this to the annoying colleague or the B.O. thread, so I'm going to post it to both! Anyhow, in one office where I worked we had a guy with a B.O. problem and the managers had to have words with him in private on a couple of occasions. And yes, on those rare occasions when my sinuses were clear (one day in seventeen approx) it was quite annoying and offensive to me. However, it was NOT NEARLY AS ANNOYING AND OFFENSIVE as the colleague who used to go on and on about it all the bloody time whenever the guy with the problem walked out of the room! Not only that, but as soon as he left she used to reach for the can of air freshener which she kept on her desk *specially* and spray about a litre of it about the place! So instead of an office smelling of sweat we had an office reeking of air freshener!

― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 13:58 (10 years ago) Permalink

Mailroom guy who looks like a troglodyte - "I wanted 'digical'[pronounced thus] TV cuz I don't have enough channels! They were supposed to install it on Friday but they didn't - the whole weekend I had nuthin' to do! I was really looking forward to it too!"

― dave q, Wednesday, 15 January 2003 14:21 (10 years ago) Permalink

i don't want to help any of those people, though. far too annoying. the previous lot were quite sweet.

― g-kit (g-kit), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 14:45 (10 years ago) Permalink

I pretty much get along with my immediate co-workers, and none of them are so annoying that I can't tune them out. However, I once shared an office with a foot fetishist. No kidding; he was friggin' profiled in the Village Voice about it, and was completely calm and collected when I mentioned "so I saw the Voice today..."! I guess we all have our private interests, but we don't all alert the press about it!

Other things he did: worked at his cube standing up (making everyone around him very tense), unbuttoned his shirts halfway down his chest, commented on every phone conversation I had (work related or not), talked to himself, and played horrible CD-Rs of cabaret tunes he wrote and produced. I think the whole experience inoculated me against ever being annoyed by co-workers again.

― mike a (mike a), Wednesday, 15 January 2003 16:14 (10 years ago) Permalink

Okay, here's another example from today. We had a sales rep come in to demo a software package/online service that provides journal content. Anyhoo, I did a sample search, and one of the citations that got brought up was from an Ethiopian journal. She said (in all seriousness): "Wow! I didn't think that Ethiopians even had any paper, let alone journals!"

Unfortunately something this stupid is uttered in my office at least once a day...

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 16 January 2003 03:26 (10 years ago) Permalink

The amount of coworkers you've killed in your head must make quite the body count.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 January 2003 03:54 (10 years ago) Permalink

You have no idea. Entire populations have been erased.

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 16 January 2003 03:56 (10 years ago) Permalink

"As the final screams echoed away into caverns of oblivion, Nicole turned off her death rays and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. 'Should I have used so much napalm?'"

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 16 January 2003 03:57 (10 years ago) Permalink

my annoying co-worker went to the beach to 'monitor' coastal vegetation. One small patch of dunes one sunny afternoon. She's supposed to be training me in plant id, but didn't let me know. Which is fine, I have other things to do. But later a guy who did go with her mentioned it, saying he was surprised to hear I'd not been interested, since he knew I liked dune vegetation. She said she'd asked me to come and I didn't want to. Why is she inventing whole conversations?

― isadora (isadora), Thursday, 16 January 2003 04:15 (10 years ago) Permalink

One of our temps is completely nutso. She's nice but she's the definition of flighty. The best is how she asks like every day which person is Phil (she's been here like two weeks, mind). I'm like, "HE'S THE BIG TALL MAN WITH BRIGHT RED HAIR WHAT LOOKS LIKE OPIE". It's not as if he's an immemorable person!!

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 16 January 2003 04:54 (10 years ago) Permalink

I made this post to the "call somebody a cockfarmer" thread, but its sentiments belong here as well.

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 16 January 2003 23:19 (10 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

An attorney I work with to candidate for legal position, whose name is Sean: "Hi, Sean... Is that pronounced "Shawn" or "Seen"?

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 16:09 (10 years ago) Permalink

The old lady who just takes my newspaper off my desk and walks away with it all the while talking to me even though I can't hear her because I have headphones on.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 16:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

I'm a receptionist.

An old japanese woman wearing a baby dress and pigtails jumping and down in front of me at the desk. I just came in. Please, let me wake up a bit first. Or am I still dreaming?

― Erik, Wednesday, 2 April 2003 16:30 (10 years ago) Permalink

NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 16:37 (10 years ago) Permalink

We have a new girl at work. She's the assistant for the guy in the office right next to mine. Everyone is chatting her up like mad and I'm totally jealous. I think they think I'm much older than I am or something else depressing...

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 18:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

Not that I like making small-talk...

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 18:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

i dont have any coworkers

i feel like i'm missing out

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 18:21 (10 years ago) Permalink

you're not.

There's nothing like a five minute meeting with your boss in which he tells you that you've basically got like two months to turn things around with a mouth full of Mike n' Ikes.

― hstencil, Wednesday, 2 April 2003 18:23 (10 years ago) Permalink

Or how 'bouts getting taken TOTALLY advantage of because you're a volunteer...my boss seems to think that I came 2000 miles just to do all her work so she can edit mine and point out problems that I would have had ABSOLUTELY NO WAY of knowing about beforehand. Oh, and if I make a comment like "It would be really nice if I had Outlook on my computer like you do" I get a speech about how "this is the developing world" and I need to "get used to it." Fuck. It aint like I'm complaining about water outages and the goats running free everywhere...I want a bloody stupid crappy email program that she's got!!! Help me! I'm going insane!!

― cybele (cybele), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 19:14 (10 years ago) Permalink

Ex-coworker:

big flat mole on the left side of his face with 9 really long and scraggly hairs growing out of it. He was always playing with them... twisting and pulling on them (but not pulling them out.) Very distracting....

― order some disorder, Wednesday, 2 April 2003 23:19 (10 years ago) Permalink

I'm a systems analyst/programmer, and I was trying to specify changes we needed to make to a particular script. This was what I received by email from the person in charge of the results of this script:

"Please tell me if you understand what I am saying, at the moment in the exqualifier there are only a 4 digit code, you append another 3 in front of them I don't know where, but doesn't matter anyway to sort out the letter in the front for the new code."

I assure you it makes only 1% more sense to me than it does to you.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 3 April 2003 10:19 (10 years ago) Permalink

In the one office job that I've had, there weren't any really annoying people. Of course, there were people who I just didn't like very much, but they were manageable. The only colleague that caused me any emotional trouble was this extremely stressed administrator who used to shout "Don't fucking second-guess me! If you want to second-guess me then you can DO MY FUCKING JOB!" He would also crush pens in his fist when he was frustrated.

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 3 April 2003 10:54 (10 years ago) Permalink

The worst is the war talk. It's died down some this week, but last week they were talking about the POWs, and one mentioned that a 19-year-old girl was missing, making sure to mention that she was white. They said, "Oh, well you know what those Iraqis are going to do to her." Then someone else said, "The way they are, they probably do that to the men too." Utterly baseless, racist shit like that. Talking about how the antiwar protestors should be sent to fight in Iraq. I can't complain or say anything because it's a very small office and I have to work with these people every day.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Thursday, 3 April 2003 11:23 (10 years ago) Permalink

That sounds like a damn good reason to complain and say a LOT!

― toraneko (toraneko), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:18 (10 years ago) Permalink

Two of my coworkers almost got into a physical fight the other day. The male one has a lot of disgusting, annoying habits (chewing 20 pieces of gum at once loudly, chewing tobacco at his desk (!!!), banging really loud on his keyboard to look busy, reading porn all day, imitating people, etc). The girl one is very high strung and stressed. For some reason, it was deemed a good idea to sit them together. She tells him to stop being so noisy. He then proceeds to tell me and an unrelated coworker that he was going to be as annoying as possible to piss her off all day. Banging around, spitting tobacco loudly, etc. So at one point he leans over her cubicle and yells "SCOOBY DOO!" in her face. She pretty much dives over the cubicle yelling "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU".

THis goes on at least ONCE A WEEK in my office.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:35 (10 years ago) Permalink

Having accepted that Ally works in a sitcom, who is the character actor who plays Crunchy, the loveable old drunk security guard who comes in each week with his catchphrase, "Gimme my bourbon!" to massed cheers?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:40 (10 years ago) Permalink

Our security guards are 20 year old men who'd let in any attractive woman but stop all the men. I'm telling you, if the terrorists really want to succeed, they'll just send in 20 year old girls with bombs strapped to their asses.

Also, I don't think the owner's secretary knows how to use the phone properly, because she's always complaining that "the phones are down", but it's only her phone, apparently. And when someone comes in to test it, it works.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:45 (10 years ago) Permalink

20 year old girls with bombs strapped to their asses

I think you just identified the perv dream of far too many people in the world. But you'd have to give them guns too.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:47 (10 years ago) Permalink

Well I nominate the owner's secretary to test that out, cos she's hella insane.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:49 (10 years ago) Permalink

But the guards would notice the bombs if they were tied to a girl's ass, obv.

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Thursday, 3 April 2003 14:57 (10 years ago) Permalink

They should tie the bomb to her personality.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Thursday, 3 April 2003 15:58 (10 years ago) Permalink

he really chews tobacco? fer real?

― g-kit (g-kit), Friday, 4 April 2003 07:12 (10 years ago) Permalink

Does he have a spitoon?

― smee (smee), Friday, 4 April 2003 07:14 (10 years ago) Permalink

My co-worker made me cry (again) on Wednesday. She is just a big walking slapped arse of a woman. Who is able to reduce me to tears.

― Madeleine (Madeleine), Friday, 4 April 2003 07:29 (10 years ago) Permalink

Oh Madeleine. She is truly the spawn of Satan. Go to the Call Someone a Cockfarmer thread and do it.

The only really annoying thing my current co-workers do is send me ridiculous spam forwards about poisoned shampoo samples (normally originating from higher up in the Council!), then look sceptical when I explain that it's a dumb scaremongering thing to do. Also I have to tell them how to spell things all the live long day.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 4 April 2003 07:41 (10 years ago) Permalink

Someone at work has had 'restless' tattooed on their back in Goffick lowercase; apparently it's been there for a year and I've only just noticed it. NB I hate tattoos. Hate them.

― suzy (suzy), Friday, 4 April 2003 08:04 (10 years ago) Permalink

One day Maddie, one day... DragonArse will FEEL the vengeance of the massed Sinister/ILX chix0r!

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 4 April 2003 09:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

Haha I forgot the coworker (who I usually like) who got me to print out his entire NOVEL, on company ink and paper, on my time. AND he said as he gave me the disk, 'oh I had some problem with the headers and footers, can you just go through and tweak them for me?'

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 4 April 2003 09:18 (10 years ago) Permalink

Forward emails from within the company SuXx.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 4 April 2003 12:27 (10 years ago) Permalink

Business dude actually just came up with something funny, he and my boss are talking about some project, and the communication problems involved, my boss is like "are you having a problem w/Krystal?" "no, i kicked that habit!" I snickered and they all looked over at me.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 4 April 2003 15:29 (10 years ago) Permalink

Right. Lovely Doreen across from my is the team's adorably cantankerous aunt figure. Today and for the past couple she has been singing in her squeaky wavering voice NEARLY ALL THE BLOODY TIME and now it's really buttock-clenchingly annoying. And to think that I used to like Gershwin's Summertime.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 10 April 2003 10:42 (10 years ago) Permalink

Ally it could be worse our security consists of a bunch of 90 year old men. Like these guys are going to be able to chase down any terrorists? "Stop right there! " *gets on motorized scooter* One of them wears his friggin slippers, seriously. I'm always think that if a situation arises he may just throw a corduroy slipper at someone.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Thursday, 10 April 2003 10:52 (10 years ago) Permalink

The office manager is out of town, so now the chirpy kiss-ass girl in our office has taken it upon herself to be "in charge." She's delegating work and shit, but she has the same position as everybody else. Argh.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:04 (10 years ago) Permalink

Nick, tell her to "delegate this" and point to your crotch.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:06 (10 years ago) Permalink

I discovered today that my annoying co-worker had switched the sound off on my phone, so I've missed a day and a half's worth of calls. I asked if she'd mind putting a note on my desk next time so I'd know what she'd done and she took Major Offense and hasn't spoken to me since. This is the same woman who, when I told her Ally's flat had been freezing cold all weekend and the landlord still hadn't fixed it asked if the landlord was a Paki. Nice.

I have found that replying to annoying forwarders with a link to Urban Legends stops them dead in their tracks.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:27 (10 years ago) Permalink

Offence, bah.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:28 (10 years ago) Permalink

She is out of the office the entire day today. Boo-yah!

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:28 (10 years ago) Permalink

Hi Madchen!

One of our senior partners asked me to scan some pictures for his daughter this morning, first thing - they were from medical books, examples of colostomys, I still feel ill.....

― smee (smee), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:31 (10 years ago) Permalink

The new guy, Steve, who sits across from me is always talking to himself. It's like, this job ain't all that stressful, dude. But, headphones are a god send.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 10 April 2003 11:36 (10 years ago) Permalink

To answer the questions upthread: yes, he chews tobacco at his desk and spits it into either an emptied Snapple bottle or his trash can! It's disgusting.

Not so much technically a coworker, but our auditors. There's this one who is the biggest prick bastard on the planet. He actually came and TOLD ME OFF because the company didn't order enough of the type of soda he enjoys - keep in mind A) this is not a supermarket B) this is not his actual workplace. Very nasty like too, I ended up telling him "YO, WALK YOUR ASS TO THE FUCKING FOOD EMPORIUM AND BUY YOURSELF SOME COKE".

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 10 April 2003 13:12 (10 years ago) Permalink

There's a woman in our office (our AP clerk) who's going to quit if our new CFO doesn't give her an unpaid day off next week. I'm trying to figure out who's more unreasonable here. Our auditors are so nice that they're surprised that we provide them with air to breathe while they're working.

― Bryan (Bryan), Thursday, 10 April 2003 13:21 (10 years ago) Permalink

My (nice enough) co-workers are currently crowing like idiots at the arrival of a new desk. Happily, I'm only here until the end of April.

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Thursday, 10 April 2003 13:22 (10 years ago) Permalink

Ally, I thought you were quitting that job?

― Carey (Carey), Thursday, 10 April 2003 13:24 (10 years ago) Permalink

oh god, the stupidity five feet from me. People people people.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 10 April 2003 14:12 (10 years ago) Permalink

I like my coworkers - what the hell is wrong with me?

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Thursday, 10 April 2003 14:22 (10 years ago) Permalink

Maybe you're the stupid annoying co-worker? HA! Just jokes.

― Bryan (Bryan), Thursday, 10 April 2003 14:24 (10 years ago) Permalink

okay stupid c-w near me turns every topic of conversation into something about her and how she knows everything. it's killing me. i was having a serious discussion about the cinema (e.g. Hitchcock and Marx Bros) with a colleague and she butts in with "you know what movie I like? Steel Magnolias."
And totally killed the conversation. I should get her to log on to ILX, she'd be popular.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 10 April 2003 15:00 (10 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

Rather a strong smell of bullshit in my office this morning. Creepy tedious boss is having a meeting with some orange-faced, power-suited crone who just said "I have whinges, but I have solutions. I *never* whinge without solutions."

I had to do the "no, I'm not snorting with laughter, I'm coughing" thing

And hey up, here comes smug, minging, briefcase-carrying 22-year-old rugby player that likes to touch my shoulder.

Ten more working days until I leave multinational corporate hell.

― j0e (j0e), Friday, 25 April 2003 09:50 (10 years ago) Permalink

oh and orange-faced power suit has the most annoying way of saying "yes" I have EVER heard. she is saying "ee-yop. ee-yop. eeyop" fucking constantly - it sounds like the mating call of a haughty toad

― j0e (j0e), Friday, 25 April 2003 09:52 (10 years ago) Permalink

So, this morning I'm kind of asked about the milk in our fridge here, right? Now, we had about 3/4 of a thing of half&half, a half of skim, and about 1/3 of regular milk, so it really wouldn't be necessary to get more anyway. So I informed the coworker in question, who is quite possibly the most obnoxious man in the universe*, that really our policy is to only order on Mondays because it goes bad sitting around over the weekend, and that I thought we had enough anyway, but I would check and see how much they had downstairs. So I go downstairs, have a chat with some of the people, see they have the same amount we had upstairs in the milk area, and returned upstairs. I'm promptly yelled at about the milk. I go into the fridge and see that there is NO MILK LEFT. Meanwhile, there is a suspicious white film in the sink.

The motherfucker dumped out the fucking milk to prove a point.

* This person also imitates everyone's voices all day, chews tobacco at his desk, and looks at hardcore porn, openly, at his cubicle.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 25 April 2003 14:17 (10 years ago) Permalink

Kill him - it's that simple.

― smee (smee), Friday, 25 April 2003 14:21 (10 years ago) Permalink

I already informed someone that if he shows up in the East River, I need an alibi.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 25 April 2003 14:24 (10 years ago) Permalink

You were fishing.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 25 April 2003 14:27 (10 years ago) Permalink

I want a 'Bring your Ally to work day.' Every office needs an Ally!

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 25 April 2003 14:28 (10 years ago) Permalink

He sounds hideous, what a cockfarmer - you have my sympathy.

I was fishing also, with you and Chris V...I flew over just to fish....

― smee (smee), Friday, 25 April 2003 14:30 (10 years ago) Permalink

I just had an hour long meeting with a supervisor about this. He basically agreed that the guy has gotten to the point that, not only does he do nothing, but he actively harrasses his other coworkers, particularly the females (a day doesn't go by without him making a sexual comment towards me, on top of this cockfarmery behavior), and it's making everyone miserable. SO WHY IS HE NOT FIRED? WHO KNOWS!! IT'S THE MYSTERY OF MY WORKPLACE!

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:31 (10 years ago) Permalink

I got your alibi, Ally

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:42 (10 years ago) Permalink

Haha I feel like Pee Wee Herman. "What's the significance? I....DON'T....KNOW!"

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 25 April 2003 15:55 (10 years ago) Permalink

I have a co-worker who looks at porn all day, too. I'm not a prude or anything, but he doesn't have a cubicle and I don't need to know about his ass fetish. People have to walk past his area, so they can't avoid noticing it. This is the same guy who printed out his sex chats and left them in the communal printer. One woman told him to keep it at home, she didn't need to see that and he said, "people from the south side are such prudes!"

Meanwhile, I am on top of the office statscock in production. Porn guy is taking his revenge on me by rearranging his work area so that he can see my terminal at all times. He seems baffled, though, that someone would check a BB or news site instead of porn or sports.

― Kerry (dymaxia), Friday, 25 April 2003 16:03 (10 years ago) Permalink

Annoying papertaking lady, still bugs me. Today I farted right before she walked into my cube. She left quickly.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 25 April 2003 16:04 (10 years ago) Permalink

Ally, you're the milk monitor *and* the bathroom monitor? Whatever they pay you it isn't enough.

I really like my fellow teachers. We keep each other sane. Our principal however is a cockfarmer of the highest order. He cracks us up.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Friday, 25 April 2003 16:07 (10 years ago) Permalink

Am I the only one who works somewhere where looking at porn is a fireable offence? Its a serious breach of HR policy, and if anyone dobbed someone in for trawling porn and having sex chats at work they'd be out on their ear instantly (I would hope). Ew.

This whole thread makes me like my job again. Its hilarious. Especially MsLara's story about the cow-orker sticking floppies to the filing cabinet with magnets - classick! I used to love reading the tech horror stories at www.rinkworks.com - stuff very much like this.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:50 (10 years ago) Permalink

Ally and Kerry, both of your co-workers are breaking the law and exposing your companies to lawsuits. Tell your bosses about the potential cost of liabilities to settle a sexual harassment suit, and they'll fire these guys quick enough.

― hstencil, Friday, 25 April 2003 23:53 (10 years ago) Permalink

hstencil, my bosses are already aware.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:55 (10 years ago) Permalink

I know I'm late to this, but:

"I'm telling you, if the terrorists really want to succeed, they'll just send in 20 year old girls with bombs strapped to their asses."

In other words: "Take my thong off and my ass go BOOM"

I wish I had some good coworker stories, but the only problem I have is the one who sings along to the radio all the time and jokes about hanging a big "GO AWAY" sign on the Statue of Liberty.

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:52 (10 years ago) Permalink

Forward emails from within the company SuXx.

Not as much as e-mails to the entire company, saying something like "I lost my favorite pen in the 5th floor conference room; if you see it be sure to bring it back to my desk." One thing I'm not going to welcome if I ever get a regular job again.

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:55 (10 years ago) Permalink

Our security guards are 20 year old men who'd let in any attractive woman but stop all the men.

Oh, this reminds me of when I worked for that obstetricians and gynecologists association. This was before 9/11, but the organization was targeted by a number of anti-abortion groups, so you had to show a badge or be vouched for by a staffer to get in the building.

Unless you're Santa Claus. One day in October a man in a Santa suit got past the guards without showing a badge or being accompanied. Given some of the security types I've met, it's entirely possible they still believed in Santa, and were afraid that he wouldn't bring them anything in December.

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 26 April 2003 01:02 (10 years ago) Permalink

Our company points out its right to monitor us in stickers on every computer, and certainly browsing porn would be a serious offence. The only time I've had porn in my browser at work was when there was a tube strike once. I wanted to visit the London Transport site, and typed in londontransport.com - this led to a porn site. .co.uk, of course.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 26 April 2003 10:04 (10 years ago) Permalink

Papertaking Lady this morning : "Guess What?"
Chris : "What?"
PTL : "I'm going to see Cher!!!"
C: "Great."
PTL : "What you don't like Cher?"
C : "Not exactly, look at my cd's does it look like it?"
PTL : "What the hell is this music, its probably all that "rap" junk isn't it. I'm stealing your paper..."
C: *puts headphones back on*

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 11:51 (10 years ago) Permalink

But, Chris - Don't you BEEEELIEEVE in life after Love?!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 11:53 (10 years ago) Permalink

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 12:02 (10 years ago) Permalink

ha HA :)

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 12:17 (10 years ago) Permalink

Can't you feel something inside yourself? I really don't think you're strong enough, Chris.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 13:15 (10 years ago) Permalink

die

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 13:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

Well, first of all, h., I don't really want to get someone fired. He's an okay guy, he just doesn't have good self-control. I don't feel "harassed" by his behavior - he's not trying to intimidate anyone. I feel more sorry for him than anything. Oh, he also did phone sex at work once with someone he met in a chat room. He seems really unhappy and this is an escape for him.

I don't like going over people's heads and playing boss unless they're bullying me, which he's not. Furthermore, he seems to have very low self-esteem and doesn't try very hard to boost his job skills - either that or he just doesn't know how - so he would have a difficult time finding another job, I think. He's just one of those people who hasn't adapted well to office culture and doesn't seem to get it. He's hurting himself more than anyone. I did privately speak to a male co-worker who is sort of friendly with this man, intimating that if x would listen to anyone, it would be another man.

I'd just rather have my own cubicle that is more than six feet away from him because I am toooo aware of his problems. I feel a little better about it lately because I have a new boss who seems to be a little more sensitive to my situation.

Secondly, he would never get into trouble for s.h. because it's a verrrry liberal environment and no one does anything like that. The only time someone got fir@d was when this woman, who was a hypochondriac and habitual liar, said that she lost relatives in 9/11 and needed to take some time off to grieve, which was just about the last straw.

Finally, I walked in on the dept. head looking at soft-core porn, so no one is going to point the finger at someone else. Since we partly deal in "erotica", I'm sure he could just say he was doing important research for the collection.

― look upthread, Wednesday, 30 April 2003 13:19 (10 years ago) Permalink

I happen to have the cd single of Believe by Cher in my cd player right now. It's a good song.

― toraneko (toraneko), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 13:35 (10 years ago) Permalink

yes, it looks like April 30 is yet another day when hstencil comes about this close *pinches thumb and index finger together* from walking the fuck out of his office, never to return.

― hstencil, Wednesday, 30 April 2003 17:52 (10 years ago) Permalink

Well, I go into the bathroom today and there are pennies all over the place, like 20 of them. I find this weird and then realize one of the stall doors will not lock anymore. OUR BATHROOM DOOR WAS BEING HELD TOGETHER BY PENNIES. I don't know how or why but WE BUILD BUILDINGS FOR A LIVING HERE, PEOPLE.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 17:55 (10 years ago) Permalink

that is amazing, Ally.

― hstencil, Wednesday, 30 April 2003 17:59 (10 years ago) Permalink

I don't know how you even hold a door together with pennies. I think McGuyver must work here.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:07 (10 years ago) Permalink

if he did, he'd sexually harass you with a pocket knife, household bleach, and a foot of yarn.

(sorry)

― hstencil, Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:08 (10 years ago) Permalink

No, then it would be chewing gum and a paper clip.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:09 (10 years ago) Permalink

what, he works at your office then?

― hstencil, Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:09 (10 years ago) Permalink

If this bitch tries to go over my head with one of her ridiculous requests and keeps second guessing every fucking thing I say, I will dump her over the balcony on the 16th floor. The end.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:10 (10 years ago) Permalink

Are you kidding? The morons I work with barely know how to tie their own shoes, much less be useful at fixing anything.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:11 (10 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, I bet your coworkers wouldn't invent penny mechanisms to hold together locks.

Now somehow it is my responsibility to fix this? I guess since I am the bathroom monitor. BETTER BUST OUT MY PIGGY BANK!

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:16 (10 years ago) Permalink

Try nickels.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:18 (10 years ago) Permalink

I find nickels to be particularly useless change to begin with, does anyone ever actually use them?

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:23 (10 years ago) Permalink

no. Nickels and pennies should be destroyed.

If it was my office, my co-workers would complain "Oh, we don't have the budget for nickels!" People, we work at a bank with a $110 BN market cap. Don't be afraid to spend some money, for chrissakes.

― hstencil, Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:25 (10 years ago) Permalink

I sort of like them, I don't know why.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:28 (10 years ago) Permalink

Yesterday, I was sitting at a toll, and I dropped my dime in between the car seats. I had exact change! So I was fumbling around when someone who works the tolls came over to my car (as I was holding up traffic). I told him what happened. He reached his hand in the rejected coins container and pulled out a nickel. Then it turned out they accept pennies too and I had 5! So I was happy to have my little coins around.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:30 (10 years ago) Permalink

I'm listening to my co-worker tell me all kinds of stories about big, gnarly spiders she's seen, run into, squashed, whatever, and ok, I'm a baby, but I fucking cannot deal with spiders, real or imagined. I've asked her to stop, and she's just not. I think she likes seeing me wigged out. Bitch. My plan is to set off a smoke bomb and belly crawl my way out of here.

Failing that, I'm going to vomit on her.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:08 (10 years ago) Permalink

Yesterday, about a half-hour after I found out I won't be working in this group much longer, I was in a hour-long conference call (was supposed to be a satellite broadcast, but it got fucked up by whomever here is in charge of these things) in which my co-workers basically hooted, hollered and laughed through the entire thing. This wouldn't normally be so bad, except the project the call detailed is basically, in a sense, what I've been working on, albeit Bank-wide instead of our division. Thanks for the send-off, guys.

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:24 (10 years ago) Permalink

Oh, this thread is so classic. Thank you for sharing your horror stories; it makes me feel so much better, i.e. I'm not the only one here.

I have a co-worker who tut-tuts whenever I pass her cubicle. She's one of these people who absolutely has to wear designer fashions and who thinks I'm below her because I wear Cheap Generica. She also wears the most obnoxious-smelling perfume I have ever had the misfortune of smelling. I would rather smell someone else's perspiration, it's that bad.

Another co-worker of mine is an overgrown boy. He stashes comic books all around his cubicle, plays computer games every chance he gets, and tells pathetic, juvenile jokes we've all heard 1,000 times before but that he seems to find funny. If it weren't for the fact that he always manages to get his work done (he handles the paychecks for oncology, which is this huge department with hundreds of employees), I would be ticked off at him. As for now, I just roll my eyes and consider him pathetic while wondering how he manages to do it all.

Oh! Who around here has to share a printer with several other people? I do, as I'm sure many of you do, and what always ticks me off is when someone just throws around other people's print jobs without thinking, "Gee, maybe someone might actually want to find all of their printed pages. Perhaps I could leave a neat pile after picking up my print job, instead of leaving this messy pile where nothing is in order." I have my suspicions of who the culprit might be, but I've never been able to catch the person and I don't think it's one of the aforementioned people because the woman is a total neat freak and the man doesn't share the same printer with me.

Still, at least it's not that bad. I can manage, and sometimes I feel that all of the above add a bit of color to the work environment. And my bosses are fab. I lucked out there; in my telesales job, I had bitches on wheels for bosses. In fact, everyone there was bitchy, because we had to deal with a lot of bullshit from people. Never again.

― Dee the Semi-Lurker (Dee the Lurker), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:37 (10 years ago) Permalink

In my office, if a FAX comes through unaccompanied by a cover sheet, it tends to be tossed straight away. It's rather embarassing when I'm on the phone with another agent and she says, "But I sent that fax a week ago!" And I have to ask, "Did it have a cover? No? It was probably thrown away." "But I wrote your name at the top!" "OH, sorry, it was probably thrown away none-the-less."

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 13:42 (10 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

Me again! We have this new guy who is situated at a cube directly across from my office door. He is LOUD as hell. He's been cold-calling all day and using the same lines and jokes in every call trying to pick up sellers (as I'm in real estate). He even started one call with, "Hey! Remember when we used to go out??" Then he laughs REALLY loudly and obnoxiously in this very fake-sounding way A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT. AND he stands up at his cube so that his voice projects around the office instead of sitting the Fk down. Thank you. THat is all for now.

― Sarah Mclusky (coco), Wednesday, 21 May 2003 19:12 (10 years ago) Permalink

We were just doing a big singing and dancing routine to "White Lines" and my boss came out and told us to turn it down and knock it off. FUCKING KILLJOY.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 22 May 2003 18:17 (10 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

the woman in the cube next to mine has listened to I Will Always Love You repeatedly today, and at one point was kind of humming & singing long quietly.

it's not that annoying, really, but just sort of huh office space is REAL.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Friday, 6 June 2003 16:06 (9 years ago) Permalink

So, which version? Dolly or Whitney?

― Sarah MClusky (coco), Friday, 6 June 2003 18:00 (9 years ago) Permalink

Whitney.

And aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiistill goin strong, 5 hrs and cou-in'

oh she just hummed along with a melisma there.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Friday, 6 June 2003 20:04 (9 years ago) Permalink

the stupid annoying co-worker has just found out I'm single again and so responded by saying "I suppose you'll be off to (insert name of Oxford niteclub here) tonite then?" which I wouldn't have minded if anyone else had said it, but as it was the stupid annoying co-worker I felt like whacking him around the head with my chair.

― MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, 7 June 2003 13:25 (9 years ago) Permalink

I emailed a file to someone today. I was later informed she was "way too busy" to print it, and was told to print it out ten times and walk it to her (in a building 3 blocks away). Keep in mind I'm going to be here til about ten tonight (she isn't) and I had to give up one of my two vacation days because it wasn't "acceptable" for me to take both.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 20:47 (9 years ago) Permalink

There's one guy here who stubbornly, steadfastly refuses to have ANYTHING to do with computers other than the most cursory things. He once asked me, in all seriousness, "Does g*ldmansachs.com have a website?" Unfortunately, he also is the main designer for a bunch of our projects for tech-inclined clients: I shudder in horror to think how clueless he must come off to some of them.

― Michael D*ddino (epicharmus), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 22:56 (9 years ago) Permalink

Maybe I'm just irritable today, but everyone is bugging the hell out of me. I jokingly-but-not-really yelled at my coworkers because they've been bitching about the Xerox machine not working right for the past three weeks, but no one has called the repairman. When I mentioned this, they were like "Well, did you call him?" No, but I haven't been the one griping about it.
Also, there apparently hasn't been a nonrainy weekend in Richmond for the past two months. How do I know this? Because the ladies at the front talk about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Incessently talking about the fucking weather, the fucking rain. Yes, we have windows in the office, we can see that it's raining outside. And even days like today, when it's not raining and there's even a little sun, they're like "Well, it's probably really muggy."
Finally, no one in my office learned about indoor voices in kindergarden. Everyones normal speaking voice seems to be a low bellow, which is great when you're sitting at your desk trying to read a report and everyone's yelling across the office about the rain and low-calorie recipes and Michael Jackson.

― NA. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 14:30 (9 years ago) Permalink

NA - IT'S BLOODY RAINING AGAIN! *ducks*

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 18 June 2003 14:36 (9 years ago) Permalink

Ha ha! sorry I complained about the weather first thing after stepping off the Greyhound yesterday, Nick! :)

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Thursday, 19 June 2003 12:02 (9 years ago) Permalink

there's a guy a couple cubes down who's in a blues-rock cover band. He talks to me abt it occasionally. Today he was playing his new demo cos there was suddenly really loud passable amateur versions of Midnight Hour and some Santana song I think ringing throughout the office. People were oohing and aahing abt it.

abt an hour ago he came up and gave me a cd and told me to listen to his new demo. I'm hoping it's a COPY that I can just take home and not like the actual THING that I would have to listen to promptly and then talk to him about.

sigh.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:11 (9 years ago) Permalink

goddammit he just came by to ask what I thought.

his solos are crap.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:24 (9 years ago) Permalink

Did you kick him in the nuts and say, "That's what I thought, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-yotch!"?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:27 (9 years ago) Permalink

fuck i'm gonna have to divert him with another gear conversation. "so what kind of mic setup did you use YOU DELUDED BOOMER HOBBYIST BORE"

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:34 (9 years ago) Permalink

or I could kick him in the nuts.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:34 (9 years ago) Permalink

SMOOTH OPERATOR seriously what the fuck am I gonna say?

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:37 (9 years ago) Permalink

ask 'im if it goes up to 11.

― hstencil, Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:40 (9 years ago) Permalink

yeah tech conversations are probably your best bet. What is the demo for...getting gigs or what?

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:43 (9 years ago) Permalink

Tell him that you are the A&R rep for a major label, and that you've just been working undercover at your office in order to scout out new talent. Then tell him his band sucks and kick him in the nuts.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:46 (9 years ago) Permalink

yeah, gigs I guess. PEOPLE I AM IN SERIOUS SHIT HERE COME ON. I think he has the inkling that I'm not really in the jake n elwood demographic, but he's obviously proud of his thing, too.

GAAAH ok the horns on Midnight Hour are really keyboardy and fake, but that's nothing I can compliment him on.

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:49 (9 years ago) Permalink

I mean the horn break ends up sounding like late Undertones!! a little < /rationalizing>

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:50 (9 years ago) Permalink

Oh yeah if you want to fuck with him a little tell him the brittle keyboards are satie-like in their jarring simplicity or some such.

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 19:59 (9 years ago) Permalink

Not stupid or annoying, but I had one of these weird moments at work when you realise your values and ideas are incommensurable with someone else's. One of our senior managers dropped me a line thanking me for some good work I've been doing, and said he'd make sure that it gets a mention in the director's 'weekly brief', his notes to the division. I had a moment thinking 'why?' before realising this was his idea of a reward, of some prize I'd earned. I do want him to tell the director about my good work, but that's because the director will have a very big say in whether I get promoted or not in some months, but the 'brief' thing is 100% irrelevant.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 20:04 (9 years ago) Permalink

ok, it's over, he came by, I said it sounded good, nice and clean (eugh), the woman on the sade song has a good voice, drums were mixed well, etc.

him: "our version of midnight hour I think improves on the original. the old one is kinda slow, you know? ours is more modern"

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 20:13 (9 years ago) Permalink

okay now you get to kick him in the nuts.

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 20:16 (9 years ago) Permalink

For maximum effect, get him to stand in front of your chair as you sit in it, lean back and pummel his crotch with double-barrell tantrum kicks.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 20:33 (9 years ago) Permalink

I love this thread. Alas I no longer have anything to contribute. So far, all of my new co-workers seem great. DAMMIT.

― j0e (j0e), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 20:44 (9 years ago) Permalink

i think you should really go along with him enthusiastically on it being better than all 60s and 70s soul ever, in an intense and creepy way

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 21:16 (9 years ago) Permalink

Then kick yourself in the crotch!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 21:23 (9 years ago) Permalink

my commitment to living theater only goes so far

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 24 June 2003 23:00 (9 years ago) Permalink

him: "our version of midnight hour I think improves on the original. the old one is kinda slow, you know? ours is more modern"

You've got to play him the Jam's version, explain that it was done fully 20 years ago, then kick him in the nuts.

― nickn (nickn), Wednesday, 25 June 2003 06:40 (9 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

The agent in the office next to mine (our walls are paper thin) was just on the phone yelling. It went something like this:

"GET me my money! That's all I care about, ok? Get up, find someone who can find me my money! I'm sick and tired of talking to you! You obviously aren't listening to a word I say! Not a word! Nobody is able to tell me where my money was, and to be frankly honest, I don't care for this whole process one bit....Get ME MY MONEY! I really hate this. Where is my money? Where did it all go? Haven't you ever heard of an electronic check? I have records of it! So where is IT??? Give me someone else. Give me someone else to talk to. I don't want to talk to you any more. I mean, I'm sorry but this isn't gonna cut it. I want my money NOW!"

I was half-expecting him to say SHOW me the money. OH, well.

It was all very gangsta-sounding, but that's probably just because of the special russian mafia double episode of Law & Order I watched last night.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 13:03 (9 years ago) Permalink

"I think I'm one of those type-A personality adrenaline junkies you hear about. Addicted to stimulation, you know? Like when I'm surfing the net I usually have about 8 windows open at once!"

― dave q, Tuesday, 26 August 2003 18:28 (9 years ago) Permalink

Her*: Can you straighten me out here?
Me: What's the problem?
Her: We've billed this guy $24**, he called and wants to know what it's for.
Me: He added that tractor to his policy. It's additional premium.
Her: Okay, but what's the $24 for?
Me: The additional premium on the tractor.
Her: (long pause)
Her: So what should we do about this?
Me: Tell him to pay the $24.
Her: How should he do that?
Me: Tell him to send a check payable to us in with his bill.
Her: What bill?
Me: The bill that he called us about.
Her: What's the bill for?
Me: (in my mind) GOD DAMN IT JUST RETIRE NOW YOU USELESS BAG OF FLESH
Me: (slowly) That bill is for the additional premium on his policy for the addition of the tractor.
Her: So...(pause) does he need to pay this?
Me: Yes. If he wants coverage for his tractor.
Her: Are you sure he wants that?
Me: Are you sure you're asking me the right question? It's not that complicated.
Her: Have you been listening to me?

*she has been very stupid all her life, now she's stupid and senile

**it's. just. 24. dollars. FERKRISAKE!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 19:16 (9 years ago) Permalink

The woman at the desk next to mine has been working on this project for a while. Granted, it's a shit project, falling apart and full of problems. But she's been working on it from the start, so if it's shit, it's at least partially her fault. So if I have to keep listening to her moan "I hate this!" and sigh and make fake crying sounds every 15 seconds, I am going to beat her face in with her own sense of self-importance. WE'VE ALL GOT SHIT TO DO SO CHILL OUT.

― NA (Nick A.), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 19:24 (9 years ago) Permalink

THere is another newspaper stealer here now. Except when she steals it, she never puts it back in its proper place on my desk. She just leaves it wherever. It drives me nuts.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 15:14 (9 years ago) Permalink

I just stopped by the free lunch that the office next door is throwing us. A woman had come by earlier begging me to come. There are 10 pizzas, every single one a different flavor, but none one of them is meat-less! And I'm so hungry. Bah.

― Sarah Mclusky (coco), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 15:42 (9 years ago) Permalink

"GET me my money! That's all I care about, ok?...I want my money NOW!"

hee hee.

"If Dirty want his money,
Y'all should give him his money..."

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 19:40 (9 years ago) Permalink

OK, I am working on a little freelance job, updating HTML and ASP pages on a simple web site. I can't connect to the right server to upload the pages myself so that they go live. The reason is, of course, the website is behind a firewall on a departmental server and I am not connected to their network on my PC!

This person I agreed to work for does all Web work through FrontPage. Has NO CONCEPT of the code behind pages or the fact that you don't have to do everything using FrontPage. Tells me that my problem for uploading files is that I have "not logged on to FrontPage." I patiently try and explain, over and over, that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FRONTPAGE. He doesn't believe me.

Then, he suggests I try and "get a copy" of FrontPage off of a techie guy he knows who used to work for Microsoft. You see, this person who specializes in business is now asking me to obtain illegal copies of software for his convenience.

The ironing is delicious. I am this close to saying, next time he insists on FrontPage, if YOU KNOW SO MUCH about how this crapsh!t software works why did you HIRE ME?

― daria g (daria g), Thursday, 28 August 2003 00:20 (9 years ago) Permalink

I had fun like that when I was a freelance web designer. I did very simple work, I wasn't aufait with backend or anything, but once I did this site for a so called "web design" company (who were useless shits), doing up a basic page for a drycleaning firm.

I was asked to scan in and include full colour pics of the (incredibly unattractive) staff, and so I did (even though I tried to tactfully suggest this wasn't a good idea), but they came back complaining that all the photos looked really bad, blotchy and/or black and white. They looked perfectly fine on various machines I used and it then ocurred to me they were probably looking on a shitty old 16 colour monitor.

So I explained this to the so-called web design co. I was freelancing for and they simply said "make the photos better quality, the client isnt happy". WTF!??!?! They were already 256 colour good quality jpgs.

I rather wisely told them to shove theit freelance work up their arses not long after. The end client having no clue is one thing, but the design company also having no clue was a downright hoot.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 28 August 2003 00:54 (9 years ago) Permalink

Don't even get me started on the person who wanted me to build a database-driven cataloguing system for their department's video library fiefdom complete with a front-end Web interface, access control, and on the cheap without a server or any software better than FileMaker 4.

They didn't understand why it's useful to upgrade for under $100 to FileMaker 6 because "we just upgraded three years ago."

No, I will not fix your computer.

― daria g (daria g), Thursday, 28 August 2003 01:03 (9 years ago) Permalink

Oh, and my other favorite thing is that since I am a student, nobody expects to pay me any more than the appropriate wages for a student employee. This is absurd! If anything, I need the money a lot MORE now; the same job you get $20-$25 an hour for in the corporate setting, you get $12/hour for now, because that's comparable to what miserable stipends pay.

The university system is totally fuX0red.

― daria g (daria g), Thursday, 28 August 2003 01:06 (9 years ago) Permalink

For those computing types, can I just mention the specification that wanted "an information-holding database", and the form entitled "Data Maintenance", which didn't seem to narrow it down a lot.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 28 August 2003 16:20 (9 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

grr fume fume fume just seconds ago the woman in my office who a) i hate more than nearly anyone else living and b) is convinced i am one of her friends in the office (see where quiet self-effacement gets you?) just left my cube after her weekly 'hey geoff, i haven't talked to you in a while, let me bother you with an update of the same sisyphean inanitites of my life as last time, even though your complete lack of eye contact or multisyllabic replies, and sudden absorbtion in your work, would suggest you don't, and in fact have never, wanted to hear or see me in the least' routine.

she is completely fucking unconscious to any human experience save her own. so blithely chucklingly STUPID that it's hard not to read it as coldhearted viciousness. [nb: she works the phones in the hr dept of the fiscally-haemhoragging laborbashing byzantine ratmaze of a public ed inst where i work]

"oh did you year about MY BIG CRISIS on friday? a man called threatening to kill himself! i mean, i guess he wanted his retirement money to go to his family. it's so funny though, we just had a workshop abt difficult customers and one of the things was someone threatening suicide, and i'm like 'no way, that never happens.' anyway, i guess someone from his office took him to the hospital. this job is so STRESSFUL sometimes, i don't know how i do it! okay, byee!!"

anyone know people like this? everything they say is like listening to someone else's unreliable narrator? let me laugh bitterly and relate this one: "i call my friend [whoever] AAALL the time, but it's their cell phone, and maybe they don't have it on a lot, or it's old and doesn't have caller id, but i have left SOOO many messages about, you know, lunch or something, and they haven't EVER gotten back to me! it's the wierdest thing!" CAN YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF NARCISSIZE OVER THE GNASHING OF MY TEETH YOU FUCKING CUNT?!?

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Monday, 3 November 2003 20:36 (9 years ago) Permalink

I'm currently getting really annoyed by one of my coworkers who can't stop talking about getting drunk, and how drunk she was, and how she likes to go out drinking, and alcohol.

I'm also being irritated by this guy who's over 60 and looks down on me because I'm less than a third his age. It's as if I'm not allowed to have an opinion simply because my brain hasn't deteriorated as much as his has. Bah.

― Someone (enneff), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 05:39 (9 years ago) Permalink

4 months pass...

I am trying to think of things that would be more annoying than constantly going on about the price of property and how difficult it is finding and buying a flat. STOP IT!

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 18 March 2004 16:07 (9 years ago) Permalink

Oh crumbs. The (probably really actually disturbed, so I know it's mean to be weirded out) crazy lady from the other end of the corridor (down which, with all the intervening doors closed, one could hear her SCREAMING ARGUMENT with her supervisor the other week) keeps telling me about how her job is so stressful that it's giving her an ulcer and she can't sleep at night. She's a medical secretary. She picks at her hair all the time she's speaking, and always has scratches and bruises on her neck, and regards me as the only sympathetic ear in the building. I don't know how much more I can take, particularly as she has no chitchat resources, but instead launches into a tirade about her managers instantly whenever she comes into my office to use the fax machine. Eurgh and her lipstick (far too bright, really badly applied) is always collecting in the corners of her mouth with flecks of her deranged spittle. Argh.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 18 March 2004 16:35 (9 years ago) Permalink

Every fucking day at 2:00.. 'crunch crunch crunch crunch' .. what in the FUCK is she eating?

― dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 18 March 2004 16:38 (9 years ago) Permalink

Goddmammit - it's early today. What the fuck is that? If I'm going to go postal, it's going to be because of that goddamned motherfucking annoying as fuck crunching, every fucking day.

You read it here first.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 19 March 2004 17:48 (9 years ago) Permalink

3 weeks pass...

I read this entire thread and thought it was hysterical...man...I have these co-workers around me who do nothing but type WAY too loudly on their computers, and eat like fockin' animals and slurp, etc. God, THANK GOD for headphones. There is one person in particular who is starting to resemble a serial killer....very bad karma, if you know what I mean. GET them all away!!

― Maven, Tuesday, 13 April 2004 15:30 (9 years ago) Permalink

Annoying guy who comes into our office to chat says to one of my students : "I didn't know you were Norwegian! Where IS Norwegia, anyway?"

This fellow has a Master's degree and was NOT joking.

― Kerry (dymaxia), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 15:45 (9 years ago) Permalink

Jeez, don't you people know your geography? It's right next to Finlandia.

― Sengai, Tuesday, 13 April 2004 15:51 (9 years ago) Permalink

I despise a certain pretentious fuck who works here and she's currently blabbing all about how awesome she is and all the people she knows and is also hacking up and NOT covering her mouth.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 15:56 (9 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

STOP WHISTLING

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 28 June 2004 14:01 (8 years ago) Permalink

The things my boss was singing at the top of his voice:

07/02/2003 : "And in those angel eyes"
"Gimme gimme gimme"
13/02/2003 : "Now you're giving me the WILL to survive"
17/02/2003 : "Come fly with me lets fly lets fly away, choo choo choo choo"
18/02/2003 : "Lost and lonely"
"Now you call my name umm hmm hmm hmm"
"DA DA DA DA DA DA (REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY) MAAGIIC MOMENTS"
27/02/2003 : "My darkest hour, I just get lost"
28/02/2003 : "You came into my liiiife" (quite tuneful this one).
03/03/2003 : He appears to be humming the theme tune from batman, but I could be wrong.
05/03/2003 : "And then you start to scream 'Give it to me'"
07/03/2003 : "You say it best-ah when you say nothing at all"
"Cos breaking up is so"
"You know that I need your tender touch"
10/03/2003 : "Wish you wanted my..." CLICK CLAP CLAP "dum de dum"
12/03/2003 : That Muppets tune followed by...
"You say that you love you love me but then you say you don't
You say you'll come on over but then you say you won't"
13/03/2003 : "Two hearts living in two separate worlds da dap dadap dap"
14/03/2003 : "That's where I'm gonna go when I die CARDIO-VASCULAR!"
"Mr Saturday Dince (?) da da da da daaaa da da da da da da da da da da"
"Doo doo dooo dooo dooo don't get around much any more"
17/03/2003 : "It's a beautiful day"
19/03/2003 : "Every do do do do do dooo do do la la la la la la"
20/03/2003 : "These are the days of our lives"
21/03/2003 : "Is a name I call myself a long long way to run"
"A DROP of golden sun-ah!"
"Nanananana You win again! Mmmmm-hmmmmm"
27/03/2003 : "Alone to the pyramids at night"
"I don't care what they say.... Tomorrow!"
01/04/2003 : "Love! Lift us up where you belong"
08/04/2003 : "Who knows what tomorrow brings"
"All I know is here and now morning ruth"
"Do you need someone to love, bom bom bom bom"
10/04/2003 : "Devoted to you hooom"
14/04/2003 : "No you can't take that away from me"
15/04/2003 : "And if you should discover that you don't really love her"
"Take good care........ of my baby"
"Be just as kind as you can... veee"
16/04/2003 : "RIIIAG NONA RIIIAGGHHH!"
17/04/2003 : "The lambs of mist"
25/04/2003 : "Got my fingers got mah"
06/05/2003 : "In my hour of darkness"
"There will be an answer, let it be"
07/05/2003 : "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good"
08/05/2003 : "I say yes you are wonderful"
27/05/2003 : "I don't care what they say I'm gonna love you child any old way"
"I'll give you dee dee dee I don't care, Yeah!"
30/05/2003 : "Love the one you're with"
02/06/2003 : "Talkin' about..."
"I can't go on..."
05/06/2003 : "Do the little ordinary things that anyone ought to do ba bom ba bom"
"The very thought of you and I forget you the ordinary things"
"I'm living in a time of day"
"Tell me that you'll come on over"
25/06/2003 : "Women of a certain age"
27/06/2003 : "You don't neaaad me"
"Baby now that I've found you da la dela go"
30/06/2003 : "My love won't ever be the same"
"I sit and watch"
"It's not the way you smile that tears me apart"
01/07/2003 : "Don't break my heart"
"Build me a buttercup"
02/07/2003 : "My cherie amour pretty as a summer's day"
03/07/2003 : "And words are all I ha-ave to take my heart away"
04/07/2003 : "THE RISE AND FAAAHHHL! do do do dodododododo" (v. loud)
07/07/2003 : "My back's turned to the sun"
08/07/2003 : "I hope I die"
"The writing's on the wall dldldldldldlddedld"
09/07/2003 : He is singing the match of the day theme tune.
10/07/2003 : He is muttering "Porche" to himself.
11/07/2003 : "I will never let you see"
"I will never let you go"
"How my broken heart is how many good one's we got Frank?"
"Oooh heartaches and pains"
"I'll do my crying in the rain"
"All my heartache and pain"
15/07/2003 : "Well I know in times of trouble... mothermarycomestome"
22/07/2003 : "I will never ever let you go, oh Nikita I love you so"
23/07/2003 : "You tell me that you'll come on over then you say FRANK!"
"Please don't please da da dada da da"
24/07/2003 : "You know that I need your tender.... touch"
"I'll give her to you one more time..." (makes farting trumpet noise)
"You're lonely like a hurricane"
"Then you say you don't"
"Galveston oh Galveston"
25/07/2003 : "The way you smile tears me apart... doesn't matter what you say"
"I'm gonna love you girl any old way"
"I don't care what they say about yooou"
"Foulll! Bobby Charlton!"
30/07/2003 : "You got a long long way to go... ah-ha"
"Yes you will pay a price but look how much it changed"
"I can do anything, I am STRONG!"
"I am strong, I am invincible"
01/08/2003 : "Doesn't matter what they say, gonna love you child any old way"
04/08/2003 : "Still crazy after all these years"
"Deee it be nice to hmmm hmmm hmmmm"
05/08/2003 : "Lalalalala it's not the way you smile that.... tears me apart"
"I'll have a little band of gold... that you are mine"
02/09/2003 : "You get a little weary when the sun goes down"
09/09/2003 : "There's a truth in your eyes saying how are you young lady?"
"Say you'll never leave me"
10/09/2003 : "I had the time of my life, and I never felt this way before"
11/09/2003 : "Love is the right thing to DOOOOO! right..."
15/09/2003 : "I'm beginning to see the light"
18/09/2003 : "Start off the day with pie and scar father jones" (?!?)
19/09/2003 : "I don't know why"
23/09/2003 : "Why d'you pass me by-hy"
24/09/2003 : "I'm so happy I almost died"
25/09/2003 : "Stop look and listen, dat-ta-da"
26/09/2003 : "I got my self a da-waag oh woah woah woah"
08/10/2003 : "Little darling... Little darling... ... ... Little darling"
"Little darling"
"Little darling"
"Little darling... It's been a long long"
"Little darling"
10/10/2003 : "Your mod soul... The day the muuuuuuuuuuuuuuusic died"
"The day the music died... Do you believe in god above"
13/10/2003 : "HIYA! Baby I know..."
"Oh how can I"
"and I'll cry if I want to. Cry if I want to. You would cry too if it hap-"
"dedididuedidue" Followed by weird snort noise - what the hell was that??
16/10/2003 : "It's a beautiful day"
"It's not the way you smile that tears me apart"
"What can I do"
"I don't care what they say about you... Cheep... tra la-la la-la
they say you've never ever been true"
17/10/2003 : "I'm sendin' out an SOS"
20/10/2003 : "Pick up the phone"
22/10/2003 : "Happy end of the day. Yes I'm certain that it happens all the ti-i-iime"
24/10/2003 : "Talking 'bout my girl. (Spoken) I got sunshine on a cloudy day"
"I know you'll say"
"In the month of may"
"I've got so much love... hea hea hea hea hea"
31/10/2003 : "It's another lonely daaay"
"I don't care what you say about tomorrow"
03/11/2003 : "Lean on me when I'm not strong, de la la la"
05/11/2003 : "My darkest hour, baby I want you"
"I just can't live without it"
"You're the guiding light and suh-duh-duh my darkest hour"
"I just can't-ah live without... You love-uh and affection"
07/11/2003 : "de-de-da-da-da-da Move ooooooon up"
14/11/2003 : "Back in the USSR, I know how lucky we are"
17/11/2003 : "It's very superstitious, the writing's on the wall"
18/11/2003 : "At the end of the line"
26/11/2003 : "Who's gonna take you home"
27/11/2003 : "I win again"
"'Cos I need you the whole time, yeah!"
28/11/2003 : "Welcome to my world"
02/12/2003 : "I'm gonna make believe it came from you"
"I'm gonna sit right down"
"If a picture paints a thouuuuu-sand words"
"Then why can't I paint you"
"I remember yoooooou"
04/12/2003 : "And the laugh's on you"
"Saga 106.6 fm"
05/12/2003 : "I should have to-ooold you myself"
(Spoken)"Don't you know? That I heard it through the grapevine"
"It takes me by surpriiiiise what you say"
"I took you by surprise"
"Just about to loooose my mind, honey honey"
08/12/2003 : "Time on my hands do do do do do-do"
12/12/2003 : "I'll give it to you one more time"
16/12/2003 : "Lookin' swell"
17/12/2003 : "This gun's for hire, do-do do do do do"
"This is mah song"
"I wonder ... ... I wonder ... ... I wonder"
23/12/2003 : "I'm crazy right now"
24/12/2003 : "I remember all my liiiiife, dal-al-al-al daaaaa daaaa daaaaaa"
"I remember, how you doing Alan?"
"Oh Mandy you came and you-"
05/01/2004 : "I can tell you're gonna cry, is it over me"
"By the look in your eyes, I can tell you're gonna cry"
"Cos I'm the kind of guy who's always on the roo-aaaa-oooo-ddd"
"Wherever I lay my HAT"
06/01/2004 : "RIGHT! Baaaa-aaaayyy-beee!"
09/01/2004 : "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, it's been three long years"
12/01/2004 : "In New Yooooork City... Yap"
13/01/2004 : "You took me my surpiiiisee I might say, when I found out"
(spoken)"I bet you're wondering how I knew"
16/01/2004 : "When I've got that feeling"
"There'll be no while flag upon"
"There will be no while flag upon this ship"
"Tell me tell me lies"
"Tell me tell me lies tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies"
19/01/2004 : "I bet you wondered how I knew"
21/01/2004 : "I'm talkin' 'bout my baby"
"I'm not talkin' 'bout my baby"
22/01/2004 : "Gotta get a WITNESS! Especially you girl"
26/01/2004 : "I'm TOO busy thinkin' 'bout my baby"
29/01/2004 : "Aye poy poy riiiaaagh for a while"
"Do you believe in this rock and roll"
"I was a lonely teenage bronkin' buck with pink carnation and a pick-up truck"
"Do you believe in god above"
"The good old boys are drinking whisky and rye"
30/01/2004 : "The day the music died"
02/02/2004 : "Love hurts"
"When I saw you"
"Cry-ay-ay-ay-ing over you"
"It was alright... For a while"
03/02/2004 : "The day the music died"
"Why why miss american"
04/02/2004 : "Love hurts, love dies"
"And even so it takes a..."
05/02/2004 : "It's a hard day"
06/02/2004 : "You're unbelievable!"
10/02/2004 : "Out of my head"
"Here comes the sun I say"
11/02/2004 : "LATIN!"
12/02/2004 : "I'm coming out of the kitchen, rawwr grrr ggrrr rawwr urrr rawwr"
"No I need a place
20/02/2004 : "You gotta take my breath away"
24/02/2004 : "About your plans to make me blue"
"I'll bet you wondered how I knew... Nop shnop nop"
25/02/2004 : "Give me just a little more time and our love will surely grow"
26/02/2004 : "On broadway!"
"The neon lights... On broadway"
He's clapping really loudly whilst singing "On Broaaaaadway!"
"In the air on broadway... aaaaaooooohhhh BUGGER!"
27/02/2004 : "There's a girl I know lala lala dadada"
03/03/2004 : "Holding back the years"
"Sooner or later"
"The revoluuuution's here"
05/03/2004 : "A kiss... Is still a kiss"
08/03/2004 : "This old heart a' mine"
"A hundred times I'll take it out"
"A hundred times I'll take you back"
10/03/2004 : "Diamonds are a girl's best friend"
12/03/2004 : "Loving you is easy 'cos it's beautiful"
15/03/2004 : "Loving you... is easy"
16/03/2004 : "I'm gonna wait 'til the midnight hour"
19/03/2004 : "Bet you're wondering how I knew, about your plans to make me blue"
26/03/2004 : "Here I am stuck in the middle with you"
"I don't know where it is at night"
"Cos it means that much to me, you took me by surprise I must say"
"I bet you wondered how I knew"
"I'm just about to loooose my mind"
"I bet you wondering how I knew 'bout your plans"
30/03/2004 : "Bringing on baaack the good times"
"I wanna spend some time"
"Want somebody who will spend some time"
31/03/2004 : "I'm gonna wait until the midnight hour"
"If a man could be places at one time I'd be with you, woah woah dooo"
07/04/2004 : "Do I love you? Yes I do"
"You took me by surprise I must say"
08/04/2004 : "Night and day... Think it's all over"
"Every night and day"
"I think we're alone now... Ah lehh le lehhh do la bah"
"There'll be night and day"
13/04/2004 : "I think we're alone now"
"Every night and day" CLAP CLAP
"Remind me baby of you"
"On the dancefloor " CLICK "Remind me baby of you"
15/04/2004 : "I took you by surprise I must say"
16/04/2004 : "I die each time... I hear this song... Here he comes"
"That's for sure"
"The only trouble is"
"I can make you mine I can..."
"The only trouble is, gee whiz, I'm dreaming my life away"
"Any time night and day, the only trouble is gee whiz"
"I can taste you lips of white, and (sic) time night and day"
19/04/2004 : "Anyone who ever hurt me"
"I'll never fall from the sky, right into your arms"
"I hope you comprehend"
20/04/2004 : "I'm so busy talkin bout my baby"
"Aint got time for something else"
21/04/2004 : "There's a girl I know"
28/04/2004 : "You took me by surprise"
29/04/2004 : "It don't impre-eh-es me"
"That don't impress me much"
"You don't impress me much"
"Talking 'bout my baby, hmmm mnnn mnnn hm hmm hm hm"
"Where the river...."
30/04/2004 : "The tracks of my tears"
"Be so nice to come home to"
06/05/2004 : "Going out for another drink"
"It's a whiter shade of paaale"
"You're simply the best, neh neh neh"
"Simply the best"
"Tell me that you're gonna love me baby, then you say you won't"
"You say you donnnnnnt"
"I love you like a hurricane"
07/05/2004 : "There you were"
"Too busy thinkin' bout my bay-beh-heh"
"Too busy thinkin' about my baby"
"Where the river ends"
11/05/2004 : "Foo once in my life"
12/05/2004 : "I don't know why"
"Too busy thinking bout my baby, I ain't got time for uuuuooooppp"
13/05/2004 : "Ah de doh da, because I'm jive talking"
14/05/2004 : "R.E.S.P.E.C.T."
"R.E.S.P.T."
"Just a little bit"
17/05/2004 : "There'll be no wan"
"There'll be no white flag"
18/05/2004 : "Hello, is it me you're looking for"
"I can see it in your eyes, but I haven't got a clue"
19/05/2004 : "Where I right or wrong" CLAP
"I'll be down on my knees"
"If I were a tower of strength"
27/05/2004 : "I want to break free"
"Love is nature's way of giving UUUAAH reason"
"Love is a many splendoured thing"
"It's the april rose that only grows in the early spring"
28/05/2004 : "In the land of the"
"In the land of the"
"In the land of the" -- I don't think he knows the rest
"I really know"
"I really know" -- he's not doing well with lyrics today
03/06/2004 : "Won't you come home baby... Please come home... You pay the rent"
"And I'm gone pay the rent"
04/06/2004 : "Your candle burned out lo"
"Goodbye Norma Jean"
"Goodbye Norma Jean, we're on the 22nd floor"
"When love comes to town gonna"
07/06/2004 : "Sunshine on a rainy day... yeah"
09/06/2004 : "I need someone"
"I need someone to love. do dodo do do"
10/06/2004 : "It's just an-o manic monday"
"This gun's for hire... do do do do do"
11/06/2004 : "Baby I shouldn't love you"
14/06/2004 : "Two of us guys you know I love you more.... Huhum"
"Took me by surprise.... I must say"
"I bet you're wondering how I knew"
15/06/2004 : "I love you and I love you more"
16/06/2004 : "You took me by surprise I must say"
"I bet you wondered how I knew"
21/06/2004 : "The wedding bell"
23/06/2004 : "It's twelve o'clock in the morning"
24/06/2004 : "Here I am! Signed, sealed... delivered"
"My babe wrote me a letter"
"That's the way it is"
"That's the way it is.... (Spoken, in bad american accent) Bruce Hornsby!"
25/06/2004 : "You make me blue"
"Bet you wondered how I knew, about your plans to make me blue
with some other guy you know before"
"I welcome the selter of someone's arms"
28/06/2004 : "Lay lady lay, lay across my"
"Come come come into my life"

I know you might think it's sad of me to have written all this down, but it's the only way I can think of to stop myself PUNCHING HIM IN THE EFFING GOB.

― Steve.n. (sjkirk), Monday, 28 June 2004 14:34 (8 years ago) Permalink

wow, bravo!

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 28 June 2004 15:21 (8 years ago) Permalink

genius

― ambrose (ambrose), Monday, 28 June 2004 16:30 (8 years ago) Permalink

I hope this is all from memory.

― Gear! (Gear!), Monday, 28 June 2004 16:40 (8 years ago) Permalink

When he's not singing, he walks around muttering "yep, yep, yep" to himself and making strange noises with his throat. My favourite is the "That's where I'm gonna go when I die CARDIO-VASCULAR!" one though.

― Steve.n. (sjkirk), Monday, 28 June 2004 19:02 (8 years ago) Permalink

There's a guy in my office, who is obsessed by cars and anything to do with cars, I do not share this obsession yet he considers it perfectly valid to go on and on about cars to me at any given time. However if there is a cricket match on and a fellow cricket fan co-worker and I are having a conversation about it he will interject in a loud voice from the other side of the room about how boring cricket is, he also a tennis fan and feels it urgent to go on about the tennis.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 09:47 (8 years ago) Permalink

Crazy lady from above, yesterday: "Can you look something up for me on your internet? Yours is better than mine, I can't find anything on it. I didn't know the right address, so I just typed in some of the company name, but it didn't come up with anything."

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 10:21 (8 years ago) Permalink

Alas I bitched not realizing that she was just around the corner able to hear everything. :-(

― jesus nathalie (nathalie), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 10:25 (8 years ago) Permalink

Oh dear.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 10:26 (8 years ago) Permalink

where is the thread where ally vented about her lunatic workmates? i loved that thread, but can never find it through 'search'...

― stevie (stevie), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 10:39 (8 years ago) Permalink

GET A PROPER HAIRCUT YOU INDIE FUCK AND EAT A PROPER MEAL YOU ARE MADE OF PIPE CLEANERS AND WADDED UP TISSUES OH AND DO SOME WORK!!!!

― benito mussolinington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 10:50 (8 years ago) Permalink

haha stevie I actually read that whole thing again when I searched for this thread--do a search for 'workers' and you'll find it. It's just as brilliant as you remember.

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 10:52 (8 years ago) Permalink

thanks teeny!

― stevie (stevie), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 11:09 (8 years ago) Permalink

I suspect it's all going to kick off in my office this afternoon. We have a meeting to discuss 'staffing issues' which is likely to be hijacked by people wishing to discuss Pamela's contract not being renewed. These people think the director has a personal vendetta against Pamela. Pamela's contract is actually not being renewed because she is consistently late, regularly (at least once a month) off 'sick' and spends large portions of the day making personal phone calls in a loud whisper, presumably thinking that whispering means we won't notice her, whereas it actually means we notice her more.

I have been stuffing myself with flumps and refresher bars to power up before the meeting. I will probably keep quiet and squirm through it.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 11:16 (8 years ago) Permalink

Cor blimey I would not remain in any meeting if people started discussing just one person's contract. Boring AND bad form. Good luck L!

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 11:18 (8 years ago) Permalink

Not having any serious problems with co-workers here at the mo, except that evil boss is persisting with her blatantly discriminatory policy of not allowing any staff without children to take time off during July or August grrr. (Though actually I have sneaked in 4 days in July and she won't notice because my department may as well be invisible to her.)

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 11:22 (8 years ago) Permalink

The least annoying thing about my current boss is the way he can't make a phone call without putting it on loudspeaker. Like he wants everyone else in the office to know how well he can conduct a conversation.

There's so much more but I think if I get started I'll never stop.

― beanz (beanz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 11:48 (8 years ago) Permalink

whattaya gonna do, work?

― teeny (teeny), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 12:46 (8 years ago) Permalink

Said boss has just come back from lunch drunk. He's calling up his clients to tell them. He's also singing "i get a kick out of you" (the bit about I get no kick from champagne) but with the lyrics all mixed up and saying "good thing i can hold my drink" over and over.

― beanz (beanz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 14:12 (8 years ago) Permalink

One of my co-workers always says over the intercom, "Paul, dial 348. Dial 348." I think that we've had touch-tone phones here since at least the early eighties, but I digress.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 14:38 (8 years ago) Permalink

It has all kicked off.

― Madchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 14:40 (8 years ago) Permalink

This is the all new thread about Ally's Stupid Coworkers.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 15:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

1 month passes...

New zero tolerance policy on:
1) coworkers who open every unknown email and attachment they recieve, then wonder why they have a virus
2) coworkers who announce EVERY item of spam they receive, each time acting like they are the only person in the world to be harassed in this way
3) coworkers who skulk away from the photocopier when it jams instead of reporting it

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 6 August 2004 09:44 (8 years ago) Permalink

Will you be stapling copies of this policy to the foreheads of offenders? I certainly hope so. Particularly photocopier skulkers.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Friday, 6 August 2004 10:09 (8 years ago) Permalink

Grr, OTM. So many people seem to think photocopier/printer unjamming is somehow akin to bomb-disposal in terms of complexity and danger. Maybe it should be taught in school.

― robster (robster), Friday, 6 August 2004 10:30 (8 years ago) Permalink

him: 'what's the password?'
me: 'calypso'
him: 'doesn't work...'

spent the next 15 minutes checking .ssh/authorized_keys, hosts.allow, iptables config, mysql.user and mysql.db tables in minute detail and demonstrating that it works from my pc.

turns out that he doesn't know how to spell 'calypso'.

― koogs (koogs), Friday, 6 August 2004 10:45 (8 years ago) Permalink

Haha I forgot that on my way back from Cambridge (ie Monday of my week off) my boss phoned my mobile because she couldn't find something.

On Friday I had put this something in her office and said 'I've put the thing in your office'.

Later on Friday she moved the something back to my (reception) desk and said 'I'll put it there, then I'll be able to find it on Monday'.

Arrrrgh!

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 6 August 2004 11:24 (8 years ago) Permalink

Another part of my policy is NEVER to phone any staff member on their mobile when they are not supposed to be at work, unless they have SPECIFICALLY said I could. My boss texted our technician when he was in *Russia* to ask some dumb q.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 6 August 2004 11:36 (8 years ago) Permalink

A conversation that took place fifteen minutes ago:

Me: "I can't make the changes on this one page because it's a PDF file. Can you email me the original you made the PDF from?"
Her: "I don't have it - maybe look on [name of laid-off web designer here]'s computer?"
Me: "Already did. Only the PDF version is there. I need the original so I can make the changes"
Her: "I don't know where it could be"
Me: "It's a pretty detailed form [it's a three-page application form with lots of stuff dense-packed in] and it would be a major pain to redo from scratch."
Her: "Well we didn't want anyone to make changes on it once it was done"

*head hits table*

And people ask why I'm leaving.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Thursday, 12 August 2004 20:57 (8 years ago) Permalink

i get kinda giddy when work people phone me when i'm away on holiday actually! it's like wow i'm so important they have to call me even when i'm in Hong Kong! wow!

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 August 2004 21:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

This morning our volunteer girl phoned in sick - she is usually incredibly reliable, ridiculously conscientious, and extremely efficient. My boss's reaction on being told: [rolling eyes and tutting] 'well, was she here on Monday?' 'Yes'. 'Hmmm.' Jeez, give the girl a break, she doesn't HAVE to be here at all.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 13 August 2004 07:35 (8 years ago) Permalink

STOP PUTTING ON THAT STUPID EASTERN EURPOEAN ACCENT, IT IS NEITHER FUNNY OR ALLURING, YOU MUPPET.

― Porkpie (porkpie), Friday, 13 August 2004 07:51 (8 years ago) Permalink

Totally right about calling people while they're away, Archel. Very sore point with me at the moment. The only time I want to be phoned is if the place has burned down and they need to tell me not to bother coming back for a while.

― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 13 August 2004 12:07 (8 years ago) Permalink

A few minutes ago the three women in front of me:

B: "Did I tell how good a movie Scary Movie 3 was?"
D: "I know thats one of the best movies."
C: "I've never seen it, should I?"
B&D: "Absolutely!"
B: "I also love that Steve Martin movie Bringing Down the House. Queen Latifah is such a good actor."
ME: "Are you fucking serious?"
BD&C: "Yes, and besides you like all those WEIRDO movies like The Duke Tennenbaums."
ME : "Im going to smoke bye."

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Friday, 13 August 2004 12:12 (8 years ago) Permalink

Velveteen, surely the trick is not to get involved in these conversations at all.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 13 August 2004 13:03 (8 years ago) Permalink

Boss asks Airhead Temp Bloke to get 5 copies of a document
ATB goes to copier. He copies the document 5 separate times because he can't work out how to do multiple copies.
All of them are shite copies because the toner is low/done in the copier. He knew the first one was crap but decided to do the other 4 anyway because that's what he was told.
Boss tells ATB they are crap because the toner is low and tells him to get him another 5 copies so ATB copies the document again *on the same copier*!
Boss asks him how fucking stupid he is and tells him to do it again on a different copier. ATB goes to a different copier and copies one of the crap copies five times. Boss asks if he's taking the piss.

This is one of many incidents my then girlfriend used to tell me about. She hated his guts but I looked forward to finishing work and hearing about him.

He was a tight fisted lad as well, he used to go out with them for a pub lunch and not order anything. He would sit with a half pint (or a pint if someone else was buying) of lager then eat everyone's leftovers.

If someone bought a pile of cakes for everyone in the office he would take a bite out of all of the surplus ones in the fridge so that no-one else would eat them.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 13 August 2004 14:42 (8 years ago) Permalink

if he hadn't gone and copy the other 4 times it would actually have been clever of him (or at least he could pretend that it was) to copy it once first!!

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 13 August 2004 14:48 (8 years ago) Permalink

ok nice guy but my new co-worker CONSTANTLY files the cds in the wrong place, it's so so fucking annoying, especially when you actually see him just flinging one back into the right section but not filing it at all and you want to scream.

I'm not an obsessive tidier but there's nothing more annoying than not being able to find a cd when a customer asks for the listening copy of it.

Also since I'm simply his co-worker I don't know how to say it. I've been meaning to mention it to the boss but then I'm telling tales and as I said he is a nice guy.

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 13 August 2004 14:51 (8 years ago) Permalink

The two girls behind me are such a pair of dippy giggling idiots that I couldn't believe they were aged 23 and 24 as opposed to like 14. And they keep doing the worst impression of the 'ned' accent I have ever heard. And their smarmy friend comes over to talk to them while inserting his annoying bellow of a laugh at the end of every second sentence he says. And they open every unknown email and attachment they recieve, then wonder why they have a virus. And everyone in here thinks their Frames CDs make them fucking musical connoiseurs.

― fcussen (Burger), Friday, 13 August 2004 15:31 (8 years ago) Permalink

that sounds like hell on earth.

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 13 August 2004 16:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

A lot of the commercials we play on the radio station are obtained through company websites where they'll post an mp3 of their spot, and everyone can download it. One of my co-workers was accused of "stealing" a client's spot. Not in the RIAA/Napster sense, but in the sense that he downloaded the spot and now it's not on the website anymore.

!!!

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 13 August 2004 16:21 (8 years ago) Permalink

Coworker #1: What movies should I rent while my husbands away for 10 days?
Coworker #2: Oh my god, rent "The Truth About Cats & Dogs! It's like the BEST movie ever!!!
Coworker #1: OH, okay--sure, I'll write it down
Me: (dying inside) ... seriously, best movie ever?
Coworker #2: YES IT IS SO GOOD
Me: I thought it was kinda dumb.
Coworker #1: WELL YOU HAVE BAD MOVIE TASTE ANYWAY!! You didn't even like TITANIC!

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Friday, 13 August 2004 16:33 (8 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

You know what I hate?

Co-workers who make it seem that their daily tasks are "incredibly difficult but dammit, they do it anyway, no problem at all, hey you gotta pay your dues", doing this only to impress the higher-ups.

i.e. this girl I work with who makes it seem like her daily chores of assembling footage notes and keeping in contact with the transcription company are tasks that will take her ALL FUCKING DAY, and she's very sure to be very nice and act "tired" but "hey, it's cool...", plus compensating for the fact that she doesn't do any fucking work by coming in a little earlier and staying a little later. And all she does is surf the net! Hey I surf the net too obviously but I also work constantly! damn.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 27 August 2004 20:38 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'm glad I don't work with Gear :(

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 27 August 2004 21:14 (8 years ago) Permalink

My co-workers are my stupid and annoying than yours.

― adam. (nordicskilla), Friday, 27 August 2004 21:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

more

― adam. (nordicskilla), Friday, 27 August 2004 21:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

I should amend the above statement, Markelby, to say that she also implies other people who don't make a lot of noise about the fact that they do work hard are in fact not doing their job and are lazy, which I think is a successful endeavor on her part.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 27 August 2004 23:09 (8 years ago) Permalink

He's not here anymore, but a former co-worker has no idea how badly I wanted to slap him due to his endless David Icke-style blathering about "reptilians" and "media bias" and "That's what they WANT you to believe".

One day I screamed at him that all he wanted was a) more money, b) a job in his field of study, and c) to sleep with the girl he'd been flirting with all that fall.

That shut up him for a day or two, but no more.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 28 August 2004 19:38 (8 years ago) Permalink

My coworkers decided to have a big potluck lunch today but didn't tell me about it or invite me to participate. Am I being totally irrational for having hurt feelings about this?

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Monday, 30 August 2004 16:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

Plus, I am now convinced that my new boss hate me.

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:32 (8 years ago) Permalink

I would be irritated about this, yes.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:36 (8 years ago) Permalink

Plus, I am now convinced that my new boss hate me.

She hates me. Or maybe I should stick with "She hate me" but that movie sounds rub.

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:37 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'll kick her ass, Nicole.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:52 (8 years ago) Permalink

Thanks Luna, I'll keep that in mind...

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:58 (8 years ago) Permalink

If I was a postal worker I would be going postal just about now.

― adam. (nordicskilla), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:50 (8 years ago) Permalink

what do you do¿

― dyson (dyson), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:51 (8 years ago) Permalink

He is a postal PLAYA.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:52 (8 years ago) Permalink

Try my hardest to keep my job. While, yeah, posting on ILX more than the average person should.

xpost

― adam. (nordicskilla), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:53 (8 years ago) Permalink

I met an ILXer the other day who said to me "surely you can't have a job?". but yes! I do!

― adam. (nordicskilla), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:54 (8 years ago) Permalink

ISN'T IT CRAZY?

― adam. (nordicskilla), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:54 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'm tired of bitching, I just want everyone to go to hell.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:59 (8 years ago) Permalink

The folks at my work used to ask around the office when they were ordering out to have food delivered here. Then the VP scolded them for disrupting work. HA HA! So now, people just keep feeling left out when others order food without them.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 30 August 2004 19:59 (8 years ago) Permalink

Apparently working hard at my office requires shouting, "I'm drownding over here!" every 5 minutes and running around the office like a chicken with its head cut off, but not actually doing any work.

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Monday, 30 August 2004 20:11 (8 years ago) Permalink

I missed this earlier -- personally I think Nicole is right to feel aggreived, while at this point I'm considering building a nuke for Elvis T to use. The least I could do.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 30 August 2004 20:31 (8 years ago) Permalink

I can't help but feel that I'm becoming the target of the co-worker hate due to the fact I've done very little work coz I'm ADDICTED TO THIS THREAD DAMMIT

― the impossible shortest special path! (the impossible shortest specia), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 12:33 (8 years ago) Permalink

Oh, I'd forgotten this one.

Our boss actually said at the end of a staff meeting that "If you're checking your personal web mail, or reading forums, or webchatting while you're here... then you're stealing from me."

We all had a good laugh after he left, and "stealing from (boss's name goes here)" has became a code phrase for "illicit" web activity.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Wednesday, 1 September 2004 17:01 (8 years ago) Permalink

1 month passes...

I got up to get some papers off the printer. I stopped dead in my tracks because I saw a resume on there. The last name was the same as one of my coworkers, but the first wasn't and it had a junior afterwards and this is a female coworker. Also, she has a very common last name. So I think maybe my company is hiring out a position without telling us, which they've done several times before.

So then I pick it up to look at the cover sheet to see if it says what the position is.

So then the coworker comes over (it was hers after all) grabs it up and says, "Don't look at anything that doesn't have anything to do with you!" I go over to her desk and say, "I'm sorry. I thought maybe they were going to hire someone else without letting us know."

Then next time I go to get something off the printer, she's standing there. She flips through and takes her things out. Then she gets to an order I printed out and drops it immediately back down on the printer saying, "I don't read things that don't concern me!" I thought she might be joking, so I started to laugh, but then she huffed and stormed back to her desk.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 18:14 (8 years ago) Permalink

nuts

― Tous Les Garcons S'Appellent Little Lord Travolta (nordicskilla), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 18:45 (8 years ago) Permalink

Hmmm.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 19:03 (8 years ago) Permalink

There's this guy at work that I've stopped talking to, at least to the extent that I can and still get work done. He was just being too suggestive and touching me as much as possible (ie: sneaking up and putting his hand on the small of my back - ick!), and it creeped me out. Might I mention he has three daughters, all older than I am.

Anyway, I was just alone in the kitchen eating my lunch and reading. He came in and was quiet for like a minute. Then he interrupted me and was like, "Sarah, we haven't been having our talks any more." Whatever that means.

He got around to talking about my band. He asked something to the effect of, "Are you trying to make it big?" Before I could say anything in response, he shook his head and say, "Oh, no, I guess not, much too late for that. Now you have to get married and start having kids. Plus, you have this job now."

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Thursday, 14 October 2004 18:22 (8 years ago) Permalink

SARAH YOU NEED A NEW JOB SHOCKA!!!

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 14 October 2004 18:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

YOU NEED TO MAKE IT BIG - STAT!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 14 October 2004 18:28 (8 years ago) Permalink

why does every office have the innappropiate touchy-feely person? i know some people like casual physical contact, but keey-rist can it go overboard.

― Sir Kingfish Beavis D'Azzmonch (Kingfish), Thursday, 14 October 2004 18:31 (8 years ago) Permalink

I feel I've moved up in the world because my manager at my first job slapped my ass all the time, whistled, and called everyone baby. That's food service for you though.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Thursday, 14 October 2004 18:35 (8 years ago) Permalink

(long rant)

One of our offices is having Printer Problems. One of their printers died yesterday, and we've been trying to decide what to buy them to replacement. Anyway, this morning me and another IT staffer are in their office, and the office supervisor says:

"If you don't get that printer fixed by tomorrow, you've got a big problem. We've got to print our weekly reports tomorrow, and that's the only printer where we can get it to line up with the form on the paper."

We explain that, as we're going to have to buy her a new printer - which we told her yesterday, there's no way it will be replaced by the morning.

"Well, it's your problem. You're welcome to try lining up the paper on the other printer, but I don't think you'll be able to."

So, we retire to the IT office. "Total bullshit" says our manager. The co-worker offers to donate his printer to the cause of inter-office harmony, and I swap them over. I go to her and ask what one of these reports looks like, exactly, and which computer they want to print it from. I do a test run; it lines up exactly, first time; so I explain that the printer that's now sitting on the desk across the room is a different one (she hadn't noticed me lugging the old one out and this one in) and that it will therefore have a different name on-screen. And then, I go around the office setting everyone's computers up to use the new printer.

Ten minutes later, I'm printing a test page from one of the other computers, and she gets up to go over and see what it is.

"Are you trying to print something?"

"Yes, but it doesn't seem to be working."

"Which printer are you trying to print to"

"Oh, I don't know," she says, getting a bit louder. "Printer X, Printer Y, you've moved them all around, you keep saying that what we've been calling Printer X for years we should actually be calling something else! It won't print! Look, I'm trying to print an email and it takes THIRTY SECONDS to send it to the printer! This is a busy office! I don't have time to wait that long each time I have to print an email"

"Um, couldn't you do something else whilst you're waiting for it to print"

"Like what, exactly?"

"Well, I don't know - I don't know what work you have to do whenever"

"Can't you just fix it? Why can't you get it to print straight away"

"Um ... well, I could try altering one of the settings. I can't promise to make it faster, though."

"Look, I've had it up to here with your ARROGANCE. It's A FUCKING PRINTER, NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. YOU'RE IN I.T., YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET IT WORKING. You're just TOO ARROGANT ALL THE TIME." And she picked up her packet of fags and stormed off to the smoking room. Her staff - there are normally four or five other people in the same office - sat in deathly silence.

Our manager had, I knew, already complained to hers about her telling us that we "had a big problem" earlier. The next time I popped into his office, coincidentally, both of them were having a chat; so I casually mentioned that she'd "got a bit shouty" with me, and told them what she said. Mwahahaha.

(this office supervisor often phones me up complaning that the fax server isn't working because a fax she sent ten minutes ago hasn't been sent yet. The answer is almost always "the other end isn't answering the phone", which isn't exactly something I can help with - although she does often say "isn't there anything you can do about it?")

― caitlin (caitlin), Thursday, 28 October 2004 11:22 (8 years ago) Permalink

I currently work in a small windowless office answering phones next to a large flatulent women who never stops eating. It's not even 8am yet and she's already gone through the first of her two sleeves of saltines, which will undoubtedly be followed by one or two bags of mini cookies (who knew how gassy those things could be?). And then she'll go to lunch. This wouldn't be so terrible if our job wasn't talking on the phone which is difficult to do with a mouth full of tiny delicious cookies.

During those rare moments when she's not eating, she's barely intelligible and mumbling on and on, never really finishing a sentence.

Oh, and today she's wearing her stinky pants.

― Charlie Rose (Charlie Rose), Thursday, 28 October 2004 11:41 (8 years ago) Permalink

I've just been given a formal apology! Woohoo!

― caitlin (caitlin), Thursday, 28 October 2004 12:42 (8 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

You know what? I don't give a shit about Scott Peterson.

I was just informed of the verdict by someone who sounded like he was delivering me news of the Hindenberg crashing. Puh-lease.

But then again, at least I don't have to deal with Mimi Smartypants' co-workers:

Yesterday I was peeing in the office bathroom when someone else came in, went into a stall, and started doing her thing. I finished and was washing my hands when A Rude Noise erupted from the mystery person's stall. Immediately, the mystery person said, "Excuse me." I have several issues with this.
(a) If you can't make rude noises in the bathroom without making the customary verbal excuses, where can you make them?
(b) To be honest, I am not sure I ever want to hear "excuse me" or a sheepish ownership claim from makers of rude noises, even when we are face-to-face, even when it is obvious what has happened. Rude noises are embarrassing enough---must we dwell on the topic?
(c) Most horrifying of all: when the rude noise occurred, I had no idea who was in the stall, since I had not seen her come in. But when she said, "Excuse me?" I KNEW. AND I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Ewww.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 12 November 2004 21:57 (8 years ago) Permalink

3 months pass...

Dear T1m, thanks for your moody demeanour, your talking down to me, your general lack of social graces, but most of all your way of delivering apparently noteworthy information to me regarding our working relationship a week after the fact like I should already know, ignoring facts YOU should know about my role (specifically, it's very short tenure) and for being a sad, sad imitation of Gareth Keenan in Keith's body (and mind).

― Logged out, has letters 'i' and 'a' in name, Thursday, 10 March 2005 11:40 (8 years ago) Permalink

my co-worker always tells me how he is 'right with the lord'. ugh.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 10 March 2005 14:38 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'm going to punch that guy if he calls me "Big Daddy" or "Catfish" one more time.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Astonishingly, I am not finding any of my coworkers either stupid or annoying at the moment. Wuv!

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:28 (8 years ago) Permalink

Ha ha ha! All afternoon my coworkers have been abusing the office mailing list to send smutty jokes about our cut off watermain jokes, grrrrrrrr... however, all this has been forgiven now that the Head Honcho has decided to quench our parched throats by OPENING THE OFFICE BAR!!!

Woo-hoo! Free booze for all! Do they really think we'll gte any work done now? My data analysis is getting abit shoddy after too much red wine. I've decided to name my querystring MONEY so I can be happy when my database is on it. Heh.

― Masonic Cathedral (kate), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:33 (8 years ago) Permalink

Your new job sounds kind of great, Kate :)

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:34 (8 years ago) Permalink

My new job is actually great. I mean, we have an Office Bar!!!

I heart ad agencies!

OK, I have to work like a bloody dog, and I'm probably going to be here until at least 6, but, hey... FREE BOOZE!

― Masonic Cathedral (kate), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:35 (8 years ago) Permalink

I want to work where Kate works. Booze at work? FREE booze at work? That would make my work a whole lot more bearable.

(xpost)

― ailsa (ailsa), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:36 (8 years ago) Permalink

I get free booze at work sometimes, I mean we have to have an excuse but it can be pretty thin... we have a fridge full of wine and nibbles just in case.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:37 (8 years ago) Permalink

We used to get the odd bottle of wine on a Friday, but the last time we had an excuse to do this, my colleague just got to go to the pub on company expenses instead whilst I stayed in DOING HIS JOB THAT HE WASN'T DOING BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE PUB. Grrrr.

― ailsa (ailsa), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:39 (8 years ago) Permalink

At the last Ad Agency where I worked, the first day, the company's owner took out me and the former Sys Admin and we drank two bottles of wine between the three of us. There was office drinks all the time, not counting FAPs and Leaving Doos.

The first day here, they gave me a spreadsheet with 270 photos of rubbish bands on it and said that it was the office challenge to see how many I could name. I got 190, which was the second hightest in the office (after the boss of course).

I had *forgotten* all the good things about working in Advertising.

― Masonic Cathedral (kate), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:42 (8 years ago) Permalink

Show me the ~~money~~ booze!

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:44 (8 years ago) Permalink

Man. What I'd give to work at a real agency again.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:49 (8 years ago) Permalink

One of mine was talking about her clowning group going to a prison during lunch today, and then switched to clown "strip-tease." I just kept thinking "eyes down, read the paper, eyes down."

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:52 (8 years ago) Permalink

Clowning group?

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:19 (8 years ago) Permalink

Phone guy has apparently decided that the problem was him being on his CELL phone - now he's on the work line instead. Genius!

Asshole.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:20 (8 years ago) Permalink

Fuckface

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:21 (8 years ago) Permalink

Last week, someone decided to collect all the Vietnamese names from the company directory (we're a huge company, 7000 in Montreal alone) and send an email urging us to vote for him in the Asian Idol contest. I really don't have a problem with that: click and delete. What I *do* have a problem with is when all these people decide to click "Reply All" and tell Asian Idol Guy that they do not wish to receive any more of his mail. THEN, more idiots click "Reply All" to tell us to use "Reply" instead. This went on for two days straight.

― alex in montreal, Thursday, 10 March 2005 21:36 (8 years ago) Permalink

>FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU MORANS!!
>>If you don't like it, just hit the DELETE BUTTON.
>>>Don't look at me. I didn't write any of this.
>>>>I wanted to TELL ALL OF YOU TO STOP. THAT'S WHY.
>>>>>Oh, but you can?
>>>>>>Please stop doing this. ALl of you.
>>>>>>>You replied all to us all again to say that you're a hypocrite?
>>>>>>>>I mean, shit. Sorry. Call me a hypocrite!
>>>>>>>>And just by writing that, you've rplied to us all again.
>>>>>>>>>I know that. I was trying to tell this guy to not e-mail me this.
>>>>>>>>>>YOu don't have to hit reply-all to unsubscribe

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 10 March 2005 21:51 (8 years ago) Permalink

Haha yeah I've seen exchanges like that at my last job before.

What I never got too, is in Outlook, hitting reply is easier than reply-all, IIRC. I couldn't understand why someone would mess it up.

It was especially excruciating when the orig callout was from a teamleader asking for some kind of personal feed back from each of us and some dork would reply-all with some whine we weren't meant to see... haaha, sucker.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 10 March 2005 22:25 (8 years ago) Permalink

God reading all this, I seriously dont want any kind of 9 to 5 job again. I want to work from home or something. If only.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 10 March 2005 22:26 (8 years ago) Permalink

C/D: The co-worker who announces "I have to go to the bathroom SO bad" whenever they have to relieve themselves

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Thursday, 10 March 2005 22:35 (8 years ago) Permalink

I work with this woman. She is in her, I would say, mid-50's. She's pretty annoying. She sits at her desk and talks to herself, screeches things for no reason and then laughs like she made a joke, makes desperate chit-chat, basically just tries incredibly hard and desperately to ingratiate herself but apparently is half insane so it doesn't work. Until last week I basically just thought of her as being irritating but maybe someone who was just lacking some social skills. But last week the office manager came to me to say that our boss had complained about me playing on the internet at work, and about me reading the paper at my desk. Now I'm not an idiot. Of course I don't do EITHER of those things when my boss is around. Which means someone else went to the boss and said I was doing those things. And because the crazy woman is the only one who ever comes into my office in the morning when I'm looking at the paper (which takes like 10 minutes), it means it was her. I hate people who try to act like they're your friends but will bitch you out if it will make them look good.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 11 March 2005 01:34 (8 years ago) Permalink

And I know I'm an ass for reading the paper at my desk, but everyone else spends that time talking about whatever episode of Lost or House or whatever they watched last night.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 11 March 2005 01:42 (8 years ago) Permalink

And I know I'm an ass for reading the paper at my desk

you're not anything of the sort. i would spit in the face of anyone who objected to me reading the paper at my desk.

― shine headlights on me (electricsound), Friday, 11 March 2005 02:02 (8 years ago) Permalink

Yeah what Jim said. Especially if a) you really do only do it for 10 mins first thing in the morning and b) everyone else is in the tea room at that hour for 20 minutes gabbing, which usually seemed to be the case where I worked.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 11 March 2005 02:03 (8 years ago) Permalink

As George Carlin once said "The first 20 minutes belong to ME!"

― nickn (nickn), Friday, 11 March 2005 08:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

my boss reads freaky trigger and ilx over my shoulder and sez stuff like: "how do you know all the interesting sites?"

i like all my co-workers a lot: we have a good time

― mark s (mark s), Friday, 11 March 2005 09:55 (8 years ago) Permalink

There's this girl in here who only talks to you when SHE feels like it, looks pissed off if you interupt her while she's reading a book on her lunch break, she spends most of the day on ILX and doesn't go on works nights out. She looks forward to the day she gets pregnant so she can leave here and all she talks about is babies. She's off twice a year with the cold and never volunteers for overtime.

― Rumpsy Pumpsy (Rumpie), Friday, 11 March 2005 10:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

That bitch.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 11 March 2005 10:39 (8 years ago) Permalink

Yesterday I had to pitch an idea to v.senior management. It involved a marketing plan and some pretty detailed financial analysis to back it up. I asked a (more senior than me) co-worker in whose interests it is that the plan is adopted to come into the meeting and back me up on some of the details of the plan. (Basically she has been hassling me to get the idea in front on them for weeks).We talked for 30 mins before we went in, we agreed who would say what, we agreed that she would stay out of the financials and concentrate on backing me up with evidence to show that the marketing was appropriate for both the sales team and the market.

We go in. I start on a fairly methodical, but OK, pitch. Two minutes in she contradicts me on whether the market is growing or declining - she says -30% decline over past 2 years, I say +2% growth. I KNOW I am right as I never go into these things without knowing the answer to this sort of basic question. I say, here's the data, look it shows a slight increase. She says, well your data must be wrong! This is urgent and key to get right as you would have fundamentally different plans for growing and declining markets. Management are not impressed. I manage to get off this point and onto the detail of the financials. She contradicts me again and sez - this isn't what we'd agreed, why don't you keep me up-to-date? IN FRONT OF THE SENIOR MANAGEMENT! SHE@S SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME! It goes from bad to worse.

We eventually get out. I have managed to save a moderate amount of dignity by agreeing to confirm the market data and re-model the data for a second go around next week. We get out of the room and she has a go at me for not keeping her up-to-date. I lose it TOTALLY. It's best not to into what I said, but it wasn't pleasant.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 11 March 2005 10:43 (8 years ago) Permalink

Now another co-worker has told me 'she's mad at you after yesterday'!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 11 March 2005 11:55 (8 years ago) Permalink

I guess I am a bit of a bitch. God I only come here to work. And look at ILX.

― Rumpsy Pumpsy (Rumpie), Friday, 11 March 2005 12:25 (8 years ago) Permalink

I remember the day I discovered Am I Hot Or Not. The owner was out of town and almost the entire office went through the site together for over an hour straight! Aside from the owner there was basically all the other higher-ups in the room yelling out what to rate people - it was loads of fun!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Friday, 11 March 2005 16:35 (8 years ago) Permalink

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

OK, this is not a co-worker, but still someone at one of our vendors, upon whom I rely to do my job. I've been here a week. He has YET to send me a report which is totally correct and hasn't had to have me query him, or more often, have him resend it with new data.

This vendor is the one that supplies almost every single client! So I can't do ANY of my work on time, and it makes me look like an idiot.

I'm still waiting for him to get back to me on the last one - and only then am I going to get to go home. Grrrrrrrr. I hate him, want to punch him in the nose!

― Masonic Cathedral (kate), Friday, 11 March 2005 17:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

Dr. C that sounds like a nightmare!

I just came onto this thread merely to complain that there's a guy who keeps saying "soup to nuts" "soup to nuts" "I'm just here to HELP, know what I mean?" "soup to nuts" --

yr blood must still be boiling Dr. C. Is she insane? Doesn't she realize she's sabotaging herself with that kind of behavior?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 11 March 2005 17:16 (8 years ago) Permalink

SICK PEOPLE GO HOME, DO NOT MAKE ME SICK AS WELL

― Sven Bastard (blueski), Friday, 11 March 2005 17:18 (8 years ago) Permalink

OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE, THE COUGHING OR THE SQUELCHING

― Sven Bastard (blueski), Friday, 11 March 2005 17:24 (8 years ago) Permalink

it's the SNNMMPNGGGHHHK NGH NGH NGH SNSSMMSMMPCK *swallow* all day long, is what it is

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 11 March 2005 17:49 (8 years ago) Permalink

**yr blood must still be boiling Dr. C. Is she insane? Doesn't she realize she's sabotaging herself with that kind of behavior?**

My blood isn't boiling today, I tend to let these things go pretty quickly. It's only work - we live to fight another day. I spent today doing a fair bit of digging around to see what the damage was, and I think she is looking more of a fuckwit than me. And I happen to know that this loss of face matters a whole lot more to her than it does to me - she is very ambitious, highly political etc. I view it as just a job to be done to earn money. Mind you, I won't give her another chance to get me into that kind of shit again. She can do her own crashing and burning.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 11 March 2005 21:32 (8 years ago) Permalink

He's back after being gone for a week and I have realized two things:

1 - I had no idea I was as irritated as I am by him until he wasn't here for a whole week; and

2 - the sounds he makes while eating are enough to make me want to shove a stapler through his temple.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 21 March 2005 18:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

2 months pass...

There is a man on the floor I work on who can’t work vertical blinds, he pulls the strings so they wiggle up and down a little then after a good few attempts, he sits down. It’s not just the fact that a grown man (who incidentally has not long to go before he becomes a qualified solicitor) can’t work a simple piece of furniture; it’s the fact that he has been doing this for more than a year without the blind actually going up or down. I can’t ignore it because I can hear the metallic crashes & automatically look up.

Am I being unfair on this guy, or is my rage just?

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 26 May 2005 14:29 (7 years ago) Permalink

but vertical blinds aren't supposed to go up and down...

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 26 May 2005 14:36 (7 years ago) Permalink

assuming you meant venetian blinds... maybe you should teach him how to use it, and he won't be annoying anymore :)

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 26 May 2005 14:37 (7 years ago) Permalink

Oops! I meant to say horizontal ones but yeah, venetion they are. The thought of showing him has come into my head, but he thinks he’s something special so I rather see him make a fool out of himself, even though it’s making me bald through stress.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 27 May 2005 07:19 (7 years ago) Permalink

There are a good few people here like that....I have a little internal laugh at their stupidity rather than let it annoy me, and reflect on the fact that a million years ago they'd have been a quick and tasty meal for a passing Sabretooth.

There is a born-again type who used to sit near me who, on occasion, leaps into a conversation, into which she hasn't been invited, where an opinion that doesn't agree with her particular brand of repressive Christian lunacy has been expressed and starts quoting wildly inappropriate passages from the Bible at the participants. This doesn't annoy me as much as the effort I force myself to make to restrain myself from being unbearably rude to her...

― Stone Monkey (Stone Monkey), Friday, 27 May 2005 11:06 (7 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

I just went to the fridge to get my lunch and somebody has nicked my sandwich!

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:24 (7 years ago) Permalink

Was it Tannenbaum Schmidt? I always knew he was shady.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:25 (7 years ago) Permalink

Does Tannenbaum Schmidt have a penchant for cheese coleslaw?

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:32 (7 years ago) Permalink

Stone Monkey, i know who you're talking about.

I’ve been quoted at also, it’s hard not to say “oh fuck off, it’s not even real”

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:36 (7 years ago) Permalink

Do lunch-stealers actually check what they are stealing before they steal it?

― caitlin (caitlin), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:37 (7 years ago) Permalink

a woman I can’t stand & who pretends to know everything is sitting next to me for the day & keeps asking me what to do. She’s also one of those people who says "I’m just gonna type this, I’m just going to the copier" in her loud obnoxious voice, like I care!

Also she’s just said "I don’t mind staying til after six"

FFS!

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:40 (7 years ago) Permalink

Maybe they do it blindfold for fun surprises! (x-p)

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:41 (7 years ago) Permalink

Pop quiz:

Say you're the manager of a bistro. Is getting drunk after work and telling your assistant manager to "fuck off, you think you're so fucking clever, just fuck off" IN FRONT OF STAFF

a) Just fine?
b) An astonishingly stupid thing to do?

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:50 (7 years ago) Permalink

Depends if said manager is more popular than said assistant or not. Who were you in this scenario?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 16 June 2005 10:52 (7 years ago) Permalink

The assistant

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 17 June 2005 14:35 (7 years ago) Permalink

We can assume you are utterly blameless, right?

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 17 June 2005 14:50 (7 years ago) Permalink

"oooooooooh...posting on the in-ter-net!!! Aren't you so FUCKING SMART. Eat shit, eat my shit!"

― giboyeux (skowly), Friday, 17 June 2005 14:54 (7 years ago) Permalink

Regardless of blame it's ridiculously stupid, incredibly unprofessional, extremely bad for morale, and hopefully he will realise this when sober and make amends to all staff.

― Vicky (Vicky), Friday, 17 June 2005 14:57 (7 years ago) Permalink

By being fired, hopefully, giving Matt the manager's job?

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 17 June 2005 14:58 (7 years ago) Permalink

but if Matt got the manager's job he wouldn't be able to go to Clitheroe and find heavenly wines, would he?

― Vicky (Vicky), Friday, 17 June 2005 15:06 (7 years ago) Permalink

3 weeks pass...

um, new air conditioners have turned up so cow-orkers annoyingly dropped everything to unpack and set the gaia-destroying things up and turned the place into ice-station zebra. (and don't air conditioners need the rest of the windows to be closed?)

these same people will put milkbottles back in the fridge with two molecules of milk left in them in order to save themselves having to rinse them out and put them on the side.

― koogs (koogs), Thursday, 14 July 2005 09:50 (7 years ago) Permalink

like clockwork, horse (that's what we call her) will use the restroom close to my desk. we call her horse because that's what it smells like she eats. and then she tries to cover it with this lysol-ish spray, which only makes it worse. i gag everyday around 2:30 p.m. like clockwork. she does not shut the door when finished.

the same person, ugh, ok, i've been working on a dictionary and i've been storing everything on floppy. she took a magnet and rubbed on the floppy and asked, "does it really mess up these things to rub a magnet on them?" all of my hard work, destroyed.

i. can't. see. clearly. when i'm near her.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 14 July 2005 13:22 (7 years ago) Permalink

I would say that last thing is a complainable offense. Like to a boss or something. FUCKED UP.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 14 July 2005 13:31 (7 years ago) Permalink

the horse, she just doesn't think before she speaks or acts. i mean, she's nice, but really really thick. in a way, i pity her, but she makes me so upset. she also has a bad habit of picking up things off of my and another co-worker's desk and breaking them. like pencils, pens, STAPLERS. i contribute this to the fact that she's naturally hyper. oh, and the diet pills. good grief.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 14 July 2005 13:44 (7 years ago) Permalink

this person sounds like she needs to be put down

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Thursday, 14 July 2005 13:51 (7 years ago) Permalink

I would say that last thing is a ~~complainable~~ punchable offense.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 14 July 2005 14:19 (7 years ago) Permalink

Kill her. Eat her heart.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 14 July 2005 14:26 (7 years ago) Permalink

they've closed the windows and it's hotter than ever unless you're stood < 5 feet in front of aircon. memo around this afternoon saying they'll get some fans to supplement the air conditioner. THAT'S ALL WE EVER NEEDED. what's the point in having aircon + fans when fans + windows open would work fine and keep the fuel bills down?

― koogs (koogs), Thursday, 14 July 2005 14:58 (7 years ago) Permalink

x-post

ok, right? and here i am, trying to learn patience and she gets sent my way. i would love to punch her in the throat, i would.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 14 July 2005 15:02 (7 years ago) Permalink

even when she's on the phone with her friend, it's unnerving. i am going to angrily make copies, excuse me.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 14 July 2005 15:08 (7 years ago) Permalink

she's naturally hyper. oh, and the diet pills.

― carbon (carbon), Thursday, 14 July 2005 15:11 (7 years ago) Permalink

that's right, diet pills. but she was mental before those came along. it's such a shitty combo.

and one more thing, and i'm done. she practically eats pens. she leaves these chewed pens on my desk! all of the time. i have to use a tissue to pick it up and return it to her. the scary thing is is that these pens have been chewed down, meaning that they are a lot smaller than original size. i'm done. i promise.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 14 July 2005 15:14 (7 years ago) Permalink

i've just had an e-mail from someone saying they can't open the plain text file i sent them. "what's .txt? it doesn't agree with my computer."

jesus wept.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 14 July 2005 15:15 (7 years ago) Permalink

> she took a magnet and rubbed on the floppy
> all of my hard work, destroyed

yikes. part of me thinks that someone who trusts the only copy of their work to a *floppy* almost deserves to lose it. email copies to yourself regularly at the very least.

― koogs (koogs), Thursday, 14 July 2005 16:12 (7 years ago) Permalink

fair enough. yet it doesn't make her less stupid, less annoying, and less co-worker.

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 14 July 2005 17:24 (7 years ago) Permalink

We have a new girl at work and she's the annoying 'why are you so quiet? why don't you talk more?' sort. Grrr.

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Thursday, 14 July 2005 18:06 (7 years ago) Permalink

Tell her she wouldn't want to hear the things you'd want to say to her.

Working with anyone on diet pills is the worst thing ever. I had one of those at my first office job right out of college, and I thought I might kill myself. She was always shaking and snippy and frazzled.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Thursday, 14 July 2005 18:13 (7 years ago) Permalink

Space is limited so I'm sitting at the desk of a director who has the day off and he wears so much cologne every day that there is a miasma of men's cologne floating around his desk that I can actually taste. And his phone gives me a headache.

― pullapartgirl (pullapartgirl), Thursday, 14 July 2005 18:16 (7 years ago) Permalink

i don't have any recent stories about my annoying co-worker because he got let go for being extremely annoying.

but i want to hear more about the new air conditioning saga! as a texan i find british tales of air conditioning endearing.

― fortunate hazel (f. hazel), Thursday, 14 July 2005 18:22 (7 years ago) Permalink

we have a bathroom bandit as well. she's a young woman with a hideous skin condition (think 'two-face,' the batman villain) and minor dwarfism. she also seems to have some abandonment issues (was born korean and left for dead, presumably due to her physical abnormalities, then adopted by a fundementalist x-tian couple who apparently have raised a wide range of similar cases) and is a complete nightmare socially. she says 'fire in the hole!' each day before she gets up to head for the bathroom, and is fond of the ace ventura style 'do NOT go in there!' she is completely oblivious to the fact that everyone that sits around her can scarcely supress gags.

stories are legion from female coworkers who, not realizing she was using the toilet stall (her feet don't touch the ground, see) walked in on her doing her business. she's also infamous as an office informant (someone once wrote 'narc' on her computer monitor in orange highlighter) and is absolutely impossible to communicate with.

argh

― feverdream, Thursday, 14 July 2005 19:34 (7 years ago) Permalink

someone once wrote 'narc' on her computer monitor in orange highlighter

This sounds like a good story!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 14 July 2005 19:55 (7 years ago) Permalink

oh it is. a guy from another department was visiting and had heard the stories, but didn't know her personally. she was taking her daily bathroom break and wasn't expected back immediately so he picked up the marker and went to work. i guess she finished early though because the pitter patter of her tiny feet alerted him that she was nearby, and so he scrambled to hide under an adjacent desk. she took one look at the monitor, scowled, and then SPRINTED to the PRESIDENT'S OFFICE, skipping about 5 links in the 'chain of command.' had anyone else done this they likely would've been escorted from the building, but given her condition he was sympathetic and thus began a weeklong investigation into the crime.

the perp was terrified that he'd be discovered and actually ended up quitting out of fear. thank f*ck i was out of the office that day, or i would've surely been fingered for it.

she's also an avid juggler!

― feverdream, Thursday, 14 July 2005 20:10 (7 years ago) Permalink

jesus

― scout (scout), Friday, 15 July 2005 06:31 (7 years ago) Permalink

i'm so glad i have an office to myself. so so glad.

― gem (trisk), Friday, 15 July 2005 06:36 (7 years ago) Permalink

sorry, ai lien, you're right that you shouldn't really have to protect yourself from malicious idiots.

> but i want to hear more about the new air conditioning saga!

got in this morning and we seem to have reverted to using the windows as windows and the ac isn't even plugged in. (mind boggles at waste of money but is happy that we aren't wasting more).

― koogs (koogs), Friday, 15 July 2005 07:59 (7 years ago) Permalink

tories are legion from female coworkers who, not realizing she was using the toilet stall (her feet don't touch the ground, see) walked in on her doing her business

Doesnt she lock the stall door?!?

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 15 July 2005 08:45 (7 years ago) Permalink

THE SECURITY GUARD WHO SAYS HELLO TO ME EVERY MORNING HAS A GOOGLY EYEBALL AND SHRUBS GROWING OUT OF HIS EARS.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 15 July 2005 13:09 (7 years ago) Permalink

THE SECURITY GUARD WHO SAYS HELLO TO ME EVERY MORNING HAS A GOOGLY EYEBALL AND SHRUBS GROWING OUT OF HIS EARS.

he sounds very polite.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 15 July 2005 13:14 (7 years ago) Permalink

im not sure if he is saying hello to me though because of his googly eye.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 15 July 2005 13:16 (7 years ago) Permalink

you never can tell which i to look at can you?

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 15 July 2005 13:22 (7 years ago) Permalink

ONE GOES LEFT AND THE OTHER GOES RIGHT? IM NOT SURE HE'S EVEN LOOKING AT ME. I THINK HE IS SAYING HELLO TO THE TV.

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Friday, 15 July 2005 13:25 (7 years ago) Permalink

My annoying colleague wants us to get Linux in for all of our desktops and servers because she has heard that it's really cheap. She knows nothing at all about computers. She rings me up to tell me how cheap Linux is. Like I haven't heard all this years ago. Like no-one has ever suggested this to our company before. Like she's the first person to ever think of running Linux on the company's machines.

I hate it when I have to talk to people.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Friday, 15 July 2005 16:58 (7 years ago) Permalink

He's sitting four feet away from me and dropping the worst assbombs and then just getting up to walk away... I'm on a conference call and therefore chained to my desk and sitting amid the stink oh god send help eyes watering death imminent ...

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 15 July 2005 17:03 (7 years ago) Permalink

Cue the Gap Band.

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Friday, 15 July 2005 17:07 (7 years ago) Permalink

Why do my coworkers always give me spreadsheets to update but then not close out of them on their computers?! The dumbesT!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 15 July 2005 17:19 (7 years ago) Permalink

I had an intern who was 5 years older than me, and a whole level-of-education up on me, and balding a bit--just enough of all of the above to make me feel utterly unqualified to be telling him what to do. Until I discovered he is utterly unable to do what I tell him to do. Or probably tie his shoes (albeit untested).

We once asked him to call a whole slew of actors to get their social security numbers, which he recorded on the spreadsheet from whence he got their phone numbers. This took 4 hours. The spreadsheet was sort of a public document, so we told him to take the social security numbers off there, as they are private, etc. Which he did, with success. Except he DID NOT RECORD THEM ANYWHERE ELSE. And then just left. Successfully undoing his entire days work.

He looks exactly like Buster from Arrested Development.

― now now now, Friday, 15 July 2005 17:38 (7 years ago) Permalink

Some days I think I am working on a suicide hotline that operates out of a high school locker room.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Friday, 15 July 2005 18:11 (7 years ago) Permalink

My coworkers are reasonably okay, a lot of overgrown sorority girls really. I just don't like it when they talk to me in their batshit approximations of an English accent (yes this old chestnut). They say "hallo A-dom!". I don't pronounce my name anything like "A-dom". Shut up you.

― L@@K !! *RARE*!! (nordicskilla), Friday, 15 July 2005 18:20 (7 years ago) Permalink

They don't know that you're Scottish?

― Dr. Glen Y. Abreu (dr g), Friday, 15 July 2005 18:22 (7 years ago) Permalink

Every time I think it would be nice to have coworkers again, this thread gets revived. Thanks.

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Friday, 15 July 2005 19:04 (7 years ago) Permalink

My colleague is a 23 year old called Caroline. She's not lazy. She's a know-it-all and a braggard. She loves to correct what you say. Recently she told me I couldn't possibly have checked in 2 hours before my flight from Heathrow as check in was apparently 3 hours. Never mind what my actual experience was. What she says goes.
There is nothing in the world you can do, or have, or know, that she can't top. Every single conversation with her ends the same way. And if she can't personally claim to have a 12 inch waist be able to speak Cantonese, you can bet she'll have a friend or a cousin who does. Here's a selection of some of her more memorable boasts.

Workmate: I think Irish accents are really sexy.
Caroline: I know someone from Ireland
W: I like Spanish accents too.
C: I've got a friend who's Spanish
W: And West country accents
C: My grandfather was born in Bristol

Me (to a colleague) My car broke down in ***** (an exclusive area in our town)
C (from across the room) Why are you talking about ****?
Me (resigned to inevitable brag) My car broke down there.
C: My friend lives there.

Workmate: Old John's so switched on, he can speak 4 languages.
C: I know someone who can speak 5

Workmate: So I'm off to Las Vegas for my hols. I can't wait!
C: I know loads of people who've been there.

Workmate: My mum's tiny, lucky thing. She's only a size 8
C: My sister's a size 6.
(the week before her sister's height was apparently 5' 11". At size 6, she really needs to see a doctor)

Caroline also catches the spirit of the age. When our manager's brother left the army to join the clergy, Caroline suddenly had a grandfather who is a C of E vicar. When the Pope was dying and everyone chatted about it at work, suddenly Caroline's family became devoutly Catholic, with her describing a fire and brimstone upbringing completely at odds with her earlier portrayals.
And Caroline plays on her age. At 23 she's the youngest in our department and mistakenly believes that it makes her beautiful and nubile. If you saw her you'd think otherwise. She makes constant comparisons to my age (29) and seems to imply that I'm over the hill. If an oldish song comes on the radio and you say: "That reminds me of a great holiday in 1997", Caroline will say: "I was only 15 then." and I feel like replying: "So what? Were you a fat wallflower then like you are now?"
With the more senior of our colleagues, Caroline will ask what year a certain song came out. When the answer is 1974 or whatever, Caroline will say: "I was minus 8 then." and it's her chance to catch some envy that she mistakenly believes these women have of her.
Some colleagues actually manufacture conversations in order to watch Caroline jump through hoops in order to impress. It can be quite funny but more than anything it drives me crackers.

― Beverley Nicks, Sunday, 24 July 2005 17:00 (7 years ago) Permalink

That sounds infuriating, but I think your coworkers have the right idea. Goad her into one-upping absurd things and contradicting herself. Surely such transparent insecurity cannot be too difficult to manipulate.

― Laura H. (laurah), Sunday, 24 July 2005 17:25 (7 years ago) Permalink

right, but then you'd have to talk to her.

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 24 July 2005 17:34 (7 years ago) Permalink

she sounds like my older sister... always trying to prove her superiority as the oldest child.

i am off in a few minutes to a baby shower for my very annoying pregnant coworker. this girl is several years younger than i, got herself knocked up by her stupid boyfriend (who already has another child with whom he has no involvement), and they fight every single day. i get to hear about their arguments (or maybe i should just say argument since it's always the same thing over and over and over) all day at work. she's also continued to smoke newports for the duration of her pregnancy, and then complains about how she doesn't feel well and is uncomfortable. occasionally she'll call at 1 am, crying over something ridiculous, and the other night she asked at 12:30 if she could come over to "talk." NO! STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! i feel bad because she really is a nice girl, just stupid and rather naive; however, i really do not feel like going to an annoying baby shower to pretend to be all excited about this kid.

― famous and fabled, left to right (tehresa), Sunday, 24 July 2005 17:41 (7 years ago) Permalink

I have to confess Beverly, if I had a co-worker like yours I would be merciless in my interrogation of her to try and catch her out like Laura suggests. Also, I fear I proabably would have made the "fat wallflower" comment to her face.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 25 July 2005 00:17 (7 years ago) Permalink

i can't really answer this thread question and that makes me very, very thankful.

― joseph (joseph), Monday, 25 July 2005 01:28 (7 years ago) Permalink

(well, for my current job anyway, i have a whole backlog of stories from the two years i worked at a pizzeria)

― joseph (joseph), Monday, 25 July 2005 01:30 (7 years ago) Permalink

My only beef would be with my main freelance client, who always overrules subtle, tasteful design choices with loud, gaudy technicolor stuff. But as far as our working relationship, no complaints.

― Truckdrivin' Buddha (Rock Hardy), Monday, 25 July 2005 01:49 (7 years ago) Permalink

but if Matt got the manager's job he wouldn't be able to go to Clitheroe and find heavenly wines, would he?

As of September 19th Matt will HAVE that manager's job. The trips to Clitheroe will only increase, that wine list isn't going to know what hit it.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 25 July 2005 09:37 (7 years ago) Permalink

and nor are the chefs, for that matter

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 25 July 2005 09:49 (7 years ago) Permalink

just stop getting up and walking around, cunt.

― N_RQ, Monday, 25 July 2005 12:45 (7 years ago) Permalink

I work in hospital admin. One of my duties includes making appointments for patients over the phone. Most are normal, pleasant people but we get a small percentage of morons, nutcases and rabblerousers. Like this one:

Patient (in a strange, sarcastic sing-song voice that would continue throughout the call) I'd like to see the Consultant this week.
Me: Sorry, I'm afraid he's fully booked up.
Patient: My next appointment isn't for another three weeks. Why the hell should I wait that long?
Me: Looking on our system here, Mrs Smith, it appears that you've cancelled a number of appointments before now...
P: So?
M: This is why you've had to wait so long. You keep cancelling your appointments.
P: I'm a busy woman. I have school runs to do. I also have shopping trips to make. Every appointment I've been given is on a Wednesday. I can't come that day.
Me: Unfortunately that's the only day the Consultant has a clinic. If your condition needs urgent treatment you should go to ******** hospital (the nearest A&E)
P: Well that's not good enough, is it? What am I supposed to do?
Me: What we tell all patients Mrs Smith, is that if they really need the hospital appointment they will have to make time in their private lives to come in.
P: I don't believe this. Listen to me, My husband is a (middle ranking man in the Services) and I see no reason why I should be kept waiting so long.
M (nonplussed and pissed off) I'm afraid your husband's status is neither here nor there, Mrs Smith. Patients are seen on medical priority only.
P: I am a very busy woman.
M: The consultant is very busy too. This is why an appointment system is in place.
P: Why can't he see me tomorrow?
M: He doesn't run clinics on Tuesday. He'll be in threatre.
P: Let me speak to him.
M: He's not here, in our office.
P: Well where is he?
M: I'd imagine he's operating as we speak. Now can I take it you will be coming to see the Consulant in three weeks' time?
P: I am a wife. I am a mother. I don't have time for this. Are you going to tell me exactly who is going to pick my children up from school if I do?
M Well many other patients arrange for a friend or a relative or a child minder to do it.
P, now shreiking: Are you telling me how to run my life? How dare you be so patronising. What's your name?
M: I'm not t rying to patronise you. You asked me a question-"
P: The conversation has now moved on. I asked for your name."
M: Beverley.
P: Thank you Beverley. Must get your name right if I'm getting you your marching orders.

This conversation took place around three months ago. Nothing's come back on me so i know I did nothing wrong. But I'm left wondering if this woman goes through life rubbing up ppl the wrong way. A colleague, oblivious of my encounter with "Mrs Smith" came back from reception duties to say she'd just dealt with a patient in clinic who was the rudest she'd ever encountered. Yes it was Mrs Smith. But apparently the sight of the Consultant made Mrs Smith come over all girly, a la the sketch on the Fast Show.

― Beverley Nicks, Wednesday, 27 July 2005 20:24 (7 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

I think I have steam coming out of my ears today, and well, maybe it's not REALLY the stupid annoying coworkers' fault, just my bad hormones. But fuck it.

Coworker 1 brings back some CDs I'd labelled for him, apparently complaining they are wrong. Each CD is in fact labelled exactly according to what he wrote on the disc. Since I am not at my desk he leaves a post-it note on each CD telling me what the label SHOULD be. The post-its are entirely unintelligible. I copy them exactly anyway, but doubtless they will be 'wrong' again.

Coworker 2 wants lever arch files. But the lever arch files I have in the stationery cupboard are too tall. She wants short ones. I already told her last month we don't get different sizes. In some cases I might do a special order, BUT she doesn't even really work here any more, and as such isn't entitled to ANY stationery. Kindly, though, she has put lots of photos from a party last term onto CDs for all of us. But wants me to reimburse her for the CDs. Arrgh you are a very nice woman but STOP TAKING THE PISS.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 16 August 2005 12:02 (7 years ago) Permalink

2 weeks pass...

It's half-five on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm trying to have a nap, when the work phone rings.

"I'm in Word, and I'm trying to write a letter, and the text is too small, and I don't know how to make it bigger."

GRRRRRR. I do not work Saturdays. We do not have such a thing as "on call". Moreover, I should not have to explain things like "press Ctrl-A then look for where it says '8' on the toolbar and change it to '12'" EVERY BLOODY TIME YOU TRY TO WRITE TO SOMEONE.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Saturday, 3 September 2005 15:38 (7 years ago) Permalink

You should've told them the only way to get bigger text is to buy a bigger monitor.

― internet comedy novice (Matt Chesnut), Saturday, 3 September 2005 16:27 (7 years ago) Permalink

Hah. No, because he would have expected me to go into work there and then to fit one.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Saturday, 3 September 2005 16:28 (7 years ago) Permalink

ask him if he has a licence to be operating the computer. when he says no, suck air through your teeth and tell him he's in breach of the internet act 2004, and risks arrest should he continue.

anyone that fucking stupid will almost certainly believe you, leaving to to kip in peace :)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Saturday, 3 September 2005 16:42 (7 years ago) Permalink

Must he dramatize the fact that he is chewing peanuts. Chw-chw-chw.

― Rockist_Scientist (RSLaRue), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 12:50 (7 years ago) Permalink

My god, FP, that is mad! Why are they allowed to call you on Saturday?!

I'm sure upthread somewhere is the time when my colleague called me ON HOLIDAY to ask where a folder was. ('Under your biscuit tin' turned out to be the answer but I wouldn't have known that.) And when Matt was called by someone asking him where the scissors were. Haha.

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 12:56 (7 years ago) Permalink

Greatest idea in the entire universe: When someone responds to a mass email using Reply to All, send another Reply to All to ask people to stop using Reply to All - except make a typo so that someone else Replies to All to ask for clarification. Clarify using Reply to All.

― robster (robster), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:29 (7 years ago) Permalink

"Hi there! You appear to be pressing Reply To All! 90% of the time this will make you look like a moron! Are you sure? Y/N"

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:46 (7 years ago) Permalink

GRR grr, there was that time my former boss, who had not been my boss for six months, called me on holiday, knowing I was on holiday because she'd already spoken to people in my new office, to ask details about a spreadsheet I had not looked at for six months and was not able to look at just then either because I was ON HOLIDAY, grr GRR.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:47 (7 years ago) Permalink

hurray! my co-workers aren't here today! it's just me!

― ai lien (kold_krush), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:48 (7 years ago) Permalink

there was that time my former boss, who had not been my boss for six months, called me on holiday

But that would be great, because you could tell him to go fuck himself with a melon baller, without repercussions!

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:54 (7 years ago) Permalink

Nah, that only works if you've gone somewhere completely different. I had moved department and building but was still in the same faculty. However, it did mean I could Make A Complaint.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:56 (7 years ago) Permalink

Hm. Thread connections ahoy: I suspect that the super-indulged noisy brats from the other thread will grow up to be the stupid annoying coworkers of tomorrow. That classic 'world revolves round my needs' attitude...

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:56 (7 years ago) Permalink

OMG I just read that as "world revolves around my neds".

And verily I was sore afraid...

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 13:58 (7 years ago) Permalink

Soon I won't be having to put up with said co-workers, or (best of all) the more annoying customers. I told some (patronising, unpleasant, golf-club frequenting, impossible to please. The sort who really get a kick out of ordering waiting on staff around, the sort who say "make sure the white is cold, will you?" despite knowing perfectly well that in the five years they've been eating here they've never once had a warm bottle of white) regulars that I was leaving and they asked me what I was going to do.

"Well" I said "the day after I leave, I'm going to track down every customer who's ever been needlessly unpleasant to me, and beat the living daylights out of them"

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:01 (7 years ago) Permalink

Woot!

And God I hate that. It's like saying 'oh and make sure the sun sets tonight, will you? I can't STAND it when it doesn't and I Am Very Important you know.'

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:06 (7 years ago) Permalink

Dear Guy Over There On Other Side Of Room:

1) Please turn volume of ring tone down by at least three bars

2) Please change ringtune from Bodyrockers to something more enjoyable and cool e.g. pneumatic drill

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:09 (7 years ago) Permalink

I like my co workers, although there is this weird guy upstairs called Stevie who keeps talking to me and stuff.

― Raston Warrior Robot (alix), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:14 (7 years ago) Permalink

OMG I just read that as "world revolves around my neds"

I thought it was "world revolves around my nads."

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:14 (7 years ago) Permalink

Dear Chef, please follow Stevem's advice PRECISELY Kthnxbye

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:32 (7 years ago) Permalink

please be aware that design documents that take you 5 minutes to change may require more than a day to re-implement. and raising 3 bugs an hour for things that are now wrong depsite being exactly how you wanted them to be last week, well, just don't be surprised when things aren't ready for two weeks time, ok?

and stop tapping your feet, the suspended floor means it's making my whole world shake. kthxbye.

― koogs (koogs), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 14:44 (7 years ago) Permalink

the woman who sits behind me, back to back with me, is the ed. of the fitness section at the paper here. she runs everywhere. in the office, i mean. she doesn't get up and walk anywhere. she leaps up and bursts. it's disconcerting, but i didn't really get bothered by her until she got rid of her normal office chair and replaced it with...

it's ridiculous. she's constantly adjusting her position on it and squirming around or sitting on it in weird squeaky ways. and every single time she leaps up to dash somewhere, this fucking ball rolls over and bumps into the back of my chair. every time. 30 times a day. month after month. i'm easily annoyed, i admit, but this sucks. i really want to put a pin hole in it so it will deflate slowly over time. i've also considered leaping up out of my chair 30 times a day and pushing it as i run off so that my chair bumps into her. over and over. i'll never do this, of course.

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:14 (7 years ago) Permalink

Ahahaha. God. Surely having large spherical objects loose in the office could constitute a H&S hazard? Report her.

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:17 (7 years ago) Permalink

the moment i hit submit on that, she leapt up, her ball hit me, and she went "ack! it's always after you, andrew." ugh.

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:19 (7 years ago) Permalink

Does she work on a computer sitting on that thing? I mean, that can't be good. I'm stunned.

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:24 (7 years ago) Permalink

maybe it's supposed to strengthen abdomial muscles or improve posture or something. i dunno. normal office chairs have served manking for thousands of years! it's good enough for the rest of us. i want to pop your swiss health ball so badly!

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:29 (7 years ago) Permalink

manking=mankind

manking sounds kinda cool though.

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:31 (7 years ago) Permalink

That reminds me of the great mystery that is mankind. Break it down: "mank" and "ind" .. gets us no closer to undderstanding what it means. Yes mankind is truly mysterious.

(paraphrased, obv)

― when something smacks of something (dave225.3), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:33 (7 years ago) Permalink

good god, someone who sits on a swiss ball? we too have a fitness fanatic here, who insists in wandering around the office in her running gear (not a pretty sight), but that takes the biscuit. wow.

puncture it. go on. do it.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:34 (7 years ago) Permalink

yeah, really, do. Or just lay a little minefield of drawing pins behind your chair so that next time it approaches you - 'whoops! oh well, occupational hazard of NORMAL OFFICE LIFE now get one chair you freak.'

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:37 (7 years ago) Permalink

you need to kill her, andrew. or pop her ball.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:43 (7 years ago) Permalink

andrew m you just don't get it do you

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:46 (7 years ago) Permalink

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:49 (7 years ago) Permalink

and every single time she leaps up to dash somewhere, this fucking ball rolls over and bumps into the back of my chair. every time. 30 times a day. month after month

30 times a day, month after month

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:53 (7 years ago) Permalink

yet still don't get it

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:53 (7 years ago) Permalink

her ball hit me, and she went "ack! it's always after you, andrew." ugh.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 7 September 2005 15:53 (7 years ago) Permalink

SHE